Saturday, September 29, 2007 

My Dixie Wrecked

As a guy, it’s a difficult thing to explain. But one thing that every excuse in the history of premature ejaculation excuses has in common is that it’s never our fault. It’s a humiliating and confidence-depleting experience; one that, after going through it, we wouldn‘t dare wish on anyone, not even our worst enemy. Which is exactly why we can’t help but laugh when it happens to someone else. Especially, a so-called “professional.”

One of the first girls I ever saw make a guy just come (or cum, depending on just how vulgar you want this to get) completely unraveled was Shyla Stylez. It was early on in her career and she wasn’t nearly the voluptuous blonde glamazon she is today. As flat-chested and skinny as she was back then, her sexuality was that rare pure and raw kind that made it difficult to even be in the same room with her, much less be tasked to actually fuck her. I recall watching her locked in a DP with two guys and one of the men, try as he might, just could not get it together. He’d dip in for a few strokes and almost always had to immediately had to pull out. Then he suddenly decided to get brave and go against that strategy. He should’ve known better. It ended badly.

As Morpheus told Neo in the original Matrix, “Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.”

One of the latest times I’ve seen this phenomenon was, once again, with Shyla Stylez (hence this new stat being named after her) in A-List 2 with Sascha. So it goes that The Shyla Stylez Index is named after a girl who has solidified her place amongst the greats by making Manuel Ferrara pop twice in Evilution 2 and is a measurement of the likelihood of a particular porn star to make either the viewer (or in some cases, their onscreen partner) orgasm prematurely. While not necessarily a good thing, it’s always a funny thing to witness and in a unique sort of way, an accomplishment of sorts for the female talent. Should such a statistic become widely used or accepted, I know I’d be a proud little starlet if I ranked high on this list. In a profession where the opportunities for bragging rights for individual performers are few and far between, I’d take what I could get.

So here’s the meat (yes, I realize I am not at a loss for bad word choices today) : I’d wager the average length of a sex scene nowadays is about twenty minutes. If the average scene is about 20 minutes and you (or the guy in the scene) “lasts” the entire time, that’s an SS index of 100 (which with this sort of stat is a negative; the objective is to make the guy climax quickly, the faster, the better, in fact). However, if the viewer doesn’t make it and ends up looking for Kleenex about five minutes in, that’s an SS index of 25. Ten minutes would d be 50, fifteen minutes would be 75 and so on. So the lower the number, the better.

Let's do Gianna:
5.5 (the average time in minutes the viewer might “last”) divided by 20 (the length of an average sex scene) = 27.5 (Shyla Stylez Index)

To what end would a consumer/viewer use these numbers? To choose which stars’ scenes to watch and to rank their favorite stars’ skill level. It would also serve as an indicator and somewhat accurate predictor when determining a particular “pairing” and it’s possible excitement level. For example: If Rebeca Linares (SSI: 32.3) and Bree Olson (SSI: 28.2) are in a scene together, chances are, you won’t hold out very long.

It can also be used to gauge a performer’s marked improvement or steady decline. Kimberly Kane (whose current SSI probably hovers around 99.5) was hot when she started (Fresh New Faces 4, Who’s Your Daddy 4, Vouyer Vision 1) but now (apparently, she’s g/g crazy and her rare b/g forays aren’t even a fraction as hot as they used to be) she’s just garbage. The flipside to that coin would be performers like Harmony (SSI: 40.2) and Annie Cruz (SSI: 46.6) who started somewhat mediocre but now burn up television screens and computer monitors on a frighteningly consistent basis. Exciting performers, regardless of their looks, partners or any other circumstance, most times equal relatively exciting and satisfying scenes.

This formula has only a few qualifiers. I only consider the last ten most recent scenes I’ve seen the performer in; that gives the best indication of what a performer is capable of currently. That, and the woman must be currently active. That’s it.

Gianna, Shyla Stylez & Carmella Bing: A combined SSI of .001

Eva Angelina, Nikki Benz & Rachel Roxxx: You do the math.

Shyla Stylez Index Leaders
1. Gianna27.5
2. Bree Olson 28.2
3. Sienna West30.9
4. Rebeca Linares32.3
5. Claire Dames34.0
6. Harmony40.2
7. Ava Devine45.1
8. Annie Cruz/Sandra Romain46.6
9. Flower Tucci/Tory Lane48.3
10. Roxy Deville49.9

Dynamic personalities and compatible sexual styles make good scenes and there are many intangibles that comprise a great scene. But as far as raw data and stats go, CJ’s Shyla Stylez Index isn’t such a bad guideline.

Monday, September 03, 2007 


For most adult authorities, the time of year has come where they begin their nomination processes and look to award the superlative performers and performances of the past year.

Having been a part of such selection committees in the past, what better time to give my expert opinion on such matters but in a way that offers a bit more explanation and validation than a simple list.

What follows is the most recognizable and common periodic measure of one's performance: report cards. I've selected who I have determined to be fans' favorites of 2007 and applied the typical grading scale. The grades themselves weren't used to decide their rank or placement; their presumed popularity with the casual viewer was the basis for that.

Also, while this list isn't a personal top ten list (as in, I'm not personally a fan of everyone who made the cut), the assessments are all my own.

So who made the grade and who needs Summer School?


1. Bree Olson

Before the recent Adam & Eve contract, Bree Olson (Big Wet Asses 10) was the name (and a few other choice body parts) on everyone's lips. Blonde, blasphemous and anything but bland, Bree'll be sorely missed amongst the gonzo ranks. I've been singing her praises endlessly and incessantly since first laying eyes on her and Olson's likely a shoe-in for Female Starlet of the Year in January. In the meantime, you will soon be able to catch her alongside Carmen Luvana and Ava Rose in Eden, A&E's shot-on-location in Hawaii, big-budget feature that will be seeing a lot of press (and awards) before year's end.

1. Ability: A-
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: A
4. Diversity: B
5. Influence: C

1. Brianna Love

I gave both Ivan's Sweet Cheeks 8 and Sam No's Massive Asses five-star reviews. The common thread? Talented direction and Miss Brianna Love.

Don't call it a comeback! Her Shane's World title sums up Love's entire performance year: Brianna Love Comes of Age. With the help of some high profile appearances in a few Elegant Angel productions (her work in Big Wet Asses 11, It's a Daddy Thing 3 and Blow It Out Your Ass 2 have all but erased the memory of former Elegant Angel stalwart and now-contract performer with Nasty, Flower Tucci), Brianna's returned with an ass that's bigger and better than ever. It really has been her year. First, she's been tapped to be in John Leslie's Brianna Love: Her Fine Sexy Self feature. And in the ever-capable hands of William H. and "Sam No", Brianna Love is Buttwoman should be THE magnum opus befitting a performer of her looks and caliber's re-emergence.

1. Ability: B
2. Looks: B+
3. Activity: B
4. Diversity: A-
5. Influence: B-

3. Jenna Haze

Still riding a crest of momentum largely built on her return to b/g (due to the dissolution of Jill Kelly Productions, where she was an exclusive g/g-only performer) and the wildly popular, critically-acclaimed Jenna Haze Darkside, Haze is still going strong and even managed a mainstream appearance in "Superbad" (alongside Aurora Snow; Jules Jordan fans, how fitting is that?) as one of the Vagtastic Voyage girls. Still, there have only been a few notable perfs in '07: Evil Anal 2, Crack Addict 6, A-List 2, Internal Cumbustion 10 and another title featuring her as the sole performer, Interactive Sex with Jenna Haze.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: B-
5. Influence: B

4. Annette Schwarz

It should come as no surprise that a woman who goes by the nickname "Circus Pferdchen", with her dreamy and perpetually half-parted eyelids and kewpie doll-ish good looks, is as unrepentently slutty as she is. Take into account her origins. This native German came into the game the old-fashioned way; literally baptized into the business in Europe in John Thompson's infamous GGG movies. Since then, the "circus" has been stateside now for about two years. In '07, Schwarz blessed us with perhaps THE Performance of the YEAR in William H's Big Wet Asses 11 with Manuel Ferrara. The powers-that-be at Elegant Angel must have been similarly impressed; they crowned Annette their new Slutwoman shortly thereafter. Directed by a newly-rejuvenated and recently re-invigorated Mason, it streets on September 25th.

1. Ability: A+
2. Looks: B-
3. Activity: B
4. Diversity: A+
5. Influence: A

5. Rebeca Linares

They simply don't come much sexier than Spanish-born Rebeca Linares. Like most stars from other countries, she got her start doing movies in her homeland, getting her first break by being friends with someone who was friends with Evil Angel director/performer and Belladonna's ex-fiance, the notorious Nacho Vidal. Eventually, it only made sense to come to where the industry lives and thrives, so Rebeca made the inevitable move to the City of Angels permanently. In a recent AVN interview Rebeca revealed that her family knows about her career and that her mother is a Sandra Romain fan. It just struck me as weird because I don't think I'd want to know what performers my parents preferred... Easily spotted by the tan-lined heart on her right butt cheek, Linares made waves this year in Manhandled 2, Blow It Out Your Ass, Gaped Crusaders 2 and Iodine Girl.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: A+
4. Diversity: A+
5. Influence: B

6. Gianna

Gianna's Big Pretty Titties are worthy of Titty Worship.

It's starting to look like measure of one's individual performing success is to be such a standout talent that a director wants to center an entire movie around you and only you. Brianna Love has hers now. Jenna Haze's boyfriend made sure she got hers. But I wonder if either will match the excitement I felt when I saw that one of the best shooters in the game today, Jonni Darkko, had hand-picked my personal favorite porn star, Gianna, to headline his G For Gianna. Able to get by on her great enthusiasm, aggressive nature during her scenes and her fabulous rack, it won't be long before fans start demanding Gianna open her backdoor for business (an act she has yet to allow) to remain popular.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: B-
4. Diversity: B-
5. Influence: B-

7. Sasha Grey

Having one's first on-screen sex in the sequel to legendary director John Stagliano's award-winning Fashionistas would be an unbelievably daunting task for most. But not for then-18-year old "existentialist" Sasha Grey, who was selected personally by Stagliano's wife, Karen (former AVN-Award winning performer Tricia Devereaux). Grey didn't disappoint then and hasn't since, going on to win XRCO's Best New Starlet and two AVN Awards, including one for her participation in a marathon orgy scene in the aforementioned Fashionistas Safado: The Challenge.. The self-proclaimed "Fuck Junkie", fan of French New Wave and Italian Neo-Realism movies set out to change the world's perception of the industry, find herself sexually and has articulately defended her decadence on The Tyra Banks Show and The Insider. Much has been made of her but I figure anyone who's a fan of Jeanna Fine can't be all bad. The world eagerly awaits the as-yet still unreleased The Awakening of Sasha Grey, a film that promises to contain all the extreme, hardcore sex Grey favors, lensed by Sasha's idol, friend and mentor, Belladonna.

1. Ability: B+
2. Looks: B+
3. Activity: C+
4. Diversity: A
5. Influence: A

8. Belladonna

If you don't already know the past seven years of the legendary Bella's resume, gladly return to the rock you crawled from under. You should know the story already...the baseball bat, Nacho, the Primetime interview and then after many years of filthy, frivolous and unbashed whoring, marriage and directing/performing while pregnant in her own g/g-only movies...yadda, yadda, yadda. Sadly, after a recent scare, Belladonna "retired" from performing. Well, at least she will...right after she's finished filming The New Devil in Miss Jones 2 for Vivid and her own "psychotic-thriller" feature that has, according to her, been in the conceptual stages for at least three years. She will, of course, also continue to direct her Deadly Nightshade productions to be distributed exclusively through Evil Angel.

1. Ability: A+
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: D
4. Diversity: A
5. Influence: A+

9. Eva Angelina

I'm generally not one for girls bucking to land themselves a contract but I consider it a grave injustice that someone has not yet gone to great lengths to lock up Eva Angelina's services since reinventing herself a few years ago with breast augmentation surgery. While she may not do everything under the sun sexually, Eva's a Chinese-Cuban stunner who still manages to turn in very spirited performances time and time again despite her limited on-camera repertoire; she's a talent that's hard to not get behind, figuratively and literally. The highly photogenic O.C. gal engaged in a few anal forays in '07 but only for members of her website.

1. Ability: B-
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: C+
5. Influence: C

10. Alexis Texas

Look up there at all that. Buttworx. Massive Asses. Sweet Cheeks 8. Whatabooty 2. Apple Bottom Snow Bunnies. Big Butt Teaze. Guessed Alexis' best ASSet yet? Charlotte Stokely, eat your heart out. With a relatively threadbare resume (under some 30 scenes in a little under a year, though, a glut of her scenes seem to all be streeting at once, prompting talk of OVERexposure already), Alexis Texas has still managed to become a hugely popular starlet in her own right and is as in-demand as ever. Maybe barely working has its own set of benefits. With a bumper like hers, it's difficult to not keep coming back and still wanting more.

1. Ability: C
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: C
5. Influence: C-


1. Ability (workrate)
2. Looks (self-explanatory)
3. Activity (how often they worked)
4. Diversity (variety of work done)
5. Influence (the ability through their performances to affect others or somehow change previous industry-related norms)

Sunday, September 02, 2007 

An Unstoppable Force Meets An Immovable Object

Somtimes the greatest things can be found in the most unexpected places.

It's a meeting that perhaps should have been heralded with a little pre-scene build-up, some boxing-like hype to prepare the world for the first-time confrontation between these two carnal heavyweights.

In this corner, Ava "Diablo Córneo" Devine, a 33-year old Chinese-Italian force of adult nature hailing from Long Island, New York, the likes of which we have not seen from that state since Ariana Jollee and the closest thing to Devine's spiritual cousin, the legendary Vanessa Del Rio. Every inch - all woman, every curve - all dangerous.

Devine Retribution: All Your Nut Are Belong To Ava

Approaching thirty-two years of age, Manuel "Matador Sauvage" Ferrara is a multiple award-winning and reigning AVN Male Performer of the Year. The Frenchman has left more than his fair share of stretched out but extremely satisfied female orifices in his uncircumsized wake. He's every bit the aggressive destroyer that Devine's fans consider her to be but his frequent former parter, co-conspirator and debutante demolisher, Steve "Poppa" Holmes won't be able to have his back this time around with Ava. I'm not entirely sure it would even make a difference.

In recent weeks, citizens and media alike have made much ado about MIchael Vick and dog fighting. What they need to be concerned with are putting two pit bulls like these in the same arena together and turning them loose to have sex. It is similarly inhumane. It's not a pairing I would have expected from Naughty America and their "Diary of a MILF" website but here it is, nonetheless, and other than a familiar set, with the two principles involved it feels nothing like typical Naughty America fare. The set-up is unimportant (unless you somehow find bad acting enjoyable) as Manu attacks Ava in typical fashion, ravaging her bald twat with his fingers and tongue before Devine begins the game of physical one upsmanship by doing her best to swallow his beer can-sized cock. She screams (amongst other things) "I want that big cock in my pussy!" as she maneuvers herself onto Ferrara's lap for reverse cowgirl from the spoon position and uncharacteristically bares her breasts, something she has seemingly been reluctant to do since having somewhat unattractive and visible scarring from her reduction. There's more power-fucking of Devine's gash in cowgirl (people still tend to overlook Ava's absolutely marvelous, thick and meaty ass) and doggie and her hair begins to stick to her glistening face. Alot of kissing accompanies the missionary and Ava is a giddy school girl by the time Ferrara strokes several streams of semen directly into her mouth and onto her face. She's a shiny mess at the conclusion but that's Ava at the end of ANY scene. It's not often you see Ava meet her match but she got "handled" by Ferrara and that alone is enough to deem this scene somewhat historic and noteworthy.

Twenty-seven minutes and thirty-five seconds of pure mayhem courtesy of Naughty America. Check it out. It's due to be on their DVD release of Diary of a MILF: Vol 7.

Laura from Naughty America said: "Glad you liked it. Ava was literally unable to form complete sentences during that scene. Hot stuff."