Gethsemane to Golgotha

I haven't done this since 2005.

10. Jayden Jaymes (Monster Curves 3, Pornstars Like It Big 5)



If there’s one thing that can be said about me, it’s that I have an irresistible and uncontrollable attraction to the wrong women. And make no mistake, Jayden Jaymes is THE wrong woman. Any pornstar cliché you can think of, Jayden wears it well and it likely fits her as snug as a pair of Kanye West’s skinny jeans. However, this vapid, materialistic and self-important drama queen has the goods onscreen and really, that’s all that matters. With her photogenic face and prototypical pornstar body, she correctly came to the conclusion that she is entitled to be porno royalty and she’s not only eager but ready, willing and able to wear the crown.


9. Asa Akira (FornicAsian, Too Small To Take It All)



So perfect it appears specially handcrafted by the good Lord himself, it seems almost sacrilegious to put Asa’s mischievous mega-watt smile and equally glowing personality ahead of her fantastic body when it comes to naming all the things I love about her. The only thing keeping Asa from breaking into the top five is that most find her sexually unadventurous (read: no anal, no IR). She’s constantly and consistently on her game but it’s her game’s limitations that currently frustrate even her most loyal followers. It looks like we may have another graduate of the Nautica Thorn School of Fucking on Film.


8. Julia Ann (Busty Housewives 2, MILF Next Door 4)



After spending nearly the entirety of her career as a contract girl at Wicked Pictures where anal and interracial sex materialized about as often as heterosexual American Idol winners, a newly-invigorated and contract-free Julia Ann re-emerged this year and this incarnation seems as down to fuck a guy who sleeps on a park bench covered in newspapers as she was to screw Brad Armstrong and Randy Spears in five features a year. I, for one, welcome the sudden change in direction. Until now, watching a Julia Ann scene was always akin to the lingering frustration and regret of not really fucking your first girlfriend as good as you think you should have.


7. Priya Rai (Big Wet Tits 8, Filth Cums First 4)



After a less than stellar start and my predictions of an early porno “death” for her, Rai eventually settled in and shattered every single one of my expectations of her and finds herself in this placement on my personal mid-year list. Somewhere along the way, her eyes got opened and her performances underwent a complete 360. It was like witnessing the Red Sea part, looking down and seeing the sand was made of gold, brown sugar, bacon and all red gummy bears. These days, even if some fans find it annoying, Priya lets it ALL hang out on camera and has added squirting to her repertoire which keeps her constantly booked and calling her own shots on shoots.


6. Isis Taylor (Black Assassin 5, Every Last Drop 9)



You’ve got to like the buzz currently surrounding this Peruvian/Scottish/Israeli newbie. I get more emails commenting or asking about Isis than I got condolences when my grandfather passed away. Without doing a single thing, Taylor’s so hot I feel like I should slather my skin in sun block before watching her fuck. I almost wish she would STOP working because my cock and right hand both need a breather. If it’s not too early to start mentioning it, she has to undoubtedly be leading the pack of girls most likely to be robbed of a Best New Starlet nomination in January. For right now, pencil her in.


5. Mason Moore (Rack It Up 3, Sweet Cheeks 11)



Right now, Mason Moore versus nearly any male performer will turn out an affair as lopsided as Bobby Brown’s hair during the “Every Little Step” days. Mason is a dominator who either leaves her male co-stars so impressed that they offer her THEIR phone numbers when the cameras stop rolling or running down to their local courthouse to file “hit and run” charges against her after they regain consciousness.


4. Charley Chase (Deep in Latin Cheeks 3, Juicy Latin Coochie 2)



She blows guys like she’s got a severe protein deficiency, has perhaps porn’s most telegenic tits and though her androgynous name might lead you to believe she’s part of the male cast, believe me when I say Charley Chase is ALL woman, proving it more and more with each passing performance. Were I a director that had to shoot her, I’d make sure I covered my entire set in plastic beforehand: to catch all the assorted fluids that inevitably fly whenever she does her thing and to more easily dispose of her partner’s body when everything is said and done.


3. Angelina Valentine (Head Master 3, Throated 17)



Adult’s deepest throat just might be the sexiest and most voracious tattooed brunette performer to EVER grace our screens not named Katrina Kraven. Mind you, Valentine is in possession of just as many performance limitations as talent I criticized earlier but my dad always told me, ”you don’t step over a dollar to pick up a nickel” and Angelina is a fuckin’ C-note. She doesn’t do much but what she does do, she does so well it makes her peers resemble so much loose change.


2. Ava Rose (Apple Bottomz 6, Battle of the Asses)



One of porn’s oldest yet constantly recurring stories is that of the contract girl released back out into the gonzo wild, unfettered, unshackled, rejuvenated and suddenly putting on the sorts of performances that wins her legions of new fans and makes her old admirers fans all over again. Finally free of Adam & Eve and dragging so much junk in her trunk these days that her ass is literally taking up entire box covers, Rose is red-hot and her resurgence might have even possibly been the impetus that convinced baby sis, Mia, to come out of “retirement” to join her. The Roses have played a pivotal role in restoring balance to the Force.


1. Kristina Rose (Pornstar Workout, Teenage Spermaholics 6)



Sometimes a performer’s ascent seems almost predestined...preordained, as if arranged by a higher power. I still remember meeting and getting to hang out with Kristina Rose before she was KRISTINA ROSE and I saw her potential firsthand immediately. Once she was actually out of the gate, a constant stream of Rose-related fanboy hyperbole made me back off of her a bit; with the slim pickings currently strewn about the current adult landscape it felt more like fans needed someone, anyone to latch onto and MAKE the next “one.” But certain facts cannot be denied. Kristina is a “throwback” of sorts to “real” pornstars and is perhaps porn’s current most solid all-around performer. Regardless of the reasons, this “Dirty Girl” is the queen until further notice.

If there is one truism in the adult industry, it is that you can count on there never being a shortage of eager, young female talent; some chomping at the bit to make a name for themselves, others wanting nothing more than to avoid notoriety and remain under the radar so as not to arouse the suspicion of family and friends while they obtain a quick financial jumpstart. Girls rush this sordid sorority for any number of reasons and just as often make unceremonious exits for reasons equally as complicated. But for as many women who find themselves carelessly careening on the most uncaring carousel of California's flesh circus, only once in a great while is the business blessed with a talent that is utterly and truly unique.

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete and everything after you bears your mark."

Whether currently active or enjoying "retirement" there are only a handful of names that still evoke strong reactions and fond memories whenever they are mentioned. Of course, the Vanessa Del Rio's and Nina Hartley's go without saying. But in this millennium alone we've had our share of personalities who will likely be remembered as legendary. Belladonna. Taylor Rain. Ariana Jollee. Jenna Haze. Sasha Grey. If porn were sports, its pornstars "sexual athletes" and you were one of their peers, these are the names that you would undoubtedly feel honored to be mentioned amongst. These are the Larry's, Magic's and Jordan's of their field during their era.

The field becomes even narrower when you focus on a single genre. For me, my predilection has always been to lean towards the more buxom and busty end of the spectrum. If porn has never hurt for fresh faces, it's suffered even less for a magnificent and endless procession of extraordinary breasts (this list expands exponentially if we venture beyond these shores). Whether natural (Charley Chase, Sativa Rose), artificially enhanced (Carmella Bing, Velicity Von) or downright dubious (Amy Ried), we've seen our fair share of some truly amazing tits in recent years. Fantasies in the flesh, they are the reason we watch porn in the first place: impossibly beautiful, cartoonishly built and the filthiest of fucks who do the dirtiest things we can only dream about to their lucky castmates. But if I had to narrow it down to five sets that completely changed the landscape, dominated the market and stole every box cover once they were unveiled, they would be:




5. Cassandra Calogera ('07) - The "newest" star on my list, this is a girl I once called the "future" of this specialty scene. If fucking were an organized sport and the powers-that-be were looking to aggressively market their best and brightest to attract new fans, Calogera (The Naughty Cheerleaders Club) would already have a variety of million dollar endorsements with Nike kicking off a campaign of clever commercials featuring a puppet version of herself (Hell, she and Jenna Doll could have been the Kobe/Lebron of the genre but Doll subtracted herself from the equation when she proved to be practically allergic to semen).

In Big Wet Tits 6 (Elegant Angel, 2008), I noted: "Number one, her eyes are simply mesmerizing. I find it nearly impossible to look directly into them and not be hopelessly and helplessly entranced. Secondly, her mouth is a marvel; perfect, pouty and the more I see of it, just plain perversely passionate when it’s got a prick trapped between her fantastically full lips."




4. Natasha Nice/Whitney Stevens ('06) - Immediately breaking my own rules, I couldn't narrow the list down to simply five because I couldn't, in good conscience, bring myself to leave either of these cuties off of it. Just when the big bust market was in danger of starting to sag and become stale, these two soft-skinned doe-eyed ingénues, neither old enough to legally purchase alcohol at the time of their debuts, burst onto the scene with shy smiles, drool-worthy and full floppies and injected new blood into a niche that for the two previous years had been in an unrivaled and undeniable stranglehold by the three women below. Catch them both in Jonni Darkko's BOOB BANGERS 4 (Evil Angel, 2007).




3. Sara Stone ('04) - "She's always struck me as someone who has lots of energy but rarely puts it to good use. I've never found anything she does particularly exciting or in any way above average but I have to admit to liking Sara Stone (Young Ripe Mellons 8, Big Titty Woman 2), at least physically."

A somewhat tame and tepid performer at best (with no interracial or anal sex in her repertoire to speak of, either), Sara nonetheless managed to amass a fan base as sizeable as the mounds on her chest strictly on the strength of those glorious globes and a smile capable of simultaneously melting your heart and sending enough blood to your crotch to stiffen your nether regions and loosen your grasp on your wallet. She retired briefly in '07 only to return in late '08/early '09, much to the delight of big boob connoisseurs everywhere.




2. Brandy Talore ('04) - I first caught the adorable and lusciously thick Brandy when she was just doing the nude modeling and solo masturbation thing for SCORE magazine. When she made the decision to finally make the leap to hardcore (beginning with Lethal-Hardcore's BUILT FOR SEX 2), I was ecstatic...that is, until I saw her first few performances. She was pretty boring to watch to say the very least and I soon and often wondered if all my excitement was for naught. With time, though, came slight but steady improvement. Fortunately for her fans today, the timid newbie with the super natural chest is long gone and in her place stands a spectacular 5-year veteran who has finally got her act down pat. Her best assets, to me however, are those fantastic nipples. Each one looks like a tremendous gooey gumdrop, begging to be pinched, tugged, licked, gnawed and creamed on. Those things are amazing.




1. Gianna ('04) - An indomitable force so immediately recognizable, so spectacular, she needs only a single name (even if she's been saddled with the last names "Michaels" and sometimes "Rossi" throughout her career). George Bernard Shaw has been attributed with saying, "The goal of an artist is to create the definitive work that cannot be surpassed." Well, if God can be called an artist, consider Gianna His definitive work.

Five-foot ten-ish and every inch of it all-natural and plush WOMANHOOD, Gianna (”G” For Gianna) consistently and constantly exudes a fun and playful vibe while simultaneously maintaining the appearance of a voracious and insatiable genuine thirst for sex during her scenes. She is by far, the most pro-active and energetic on-screen screw on this list. She can be smiling and laughing (and oh my, what a laugh it is) one second and then the minute a guy (or guys) finds her spot, she's suddenly staring a hole through them (directly into their SOUL, it seems at times) with a transfixing and seductively hypnotic gaze, intensely concentrating on getting herself off. And those otherworldly tits of hers just never stop bouncing, jiggling and/or swaying back and forth the entire time. She recently made the decision, after five-plus years of performing and Pavlov's dog-like salivating and boundless anticipation from her die-hard fans, to finally open up her backdoor in Elegant Angel's upcoming BIG WET ASSES 15.

I said of her performance in Martin Del Toro’s BANG MY TASTY TWAT (Platinum X Pictures, 2006): "She twists Chris Charming's cock as she strokes the nut up out of it and literally slurps it out right from the head of his dick. He, in turn, reacts like she just sucked his LIFE FORCE out. She EMPTIED him and left HIS legs shaking.

Then she laughed.

God, I love that bitch."


See what I mean in this clip from Devils Films’ Titty Worship

"I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home sick."

Spend any amount of time talking to me about movies and eventually I'm going to feel the need to bring up Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure what I'll say first or in what order I'll assemble my praise but an adulation shower will be forthcoming so have an umbrella handy. I'll talk about how his talent was basically unknown to me until he started doing movies because I was never a fan of "3rd Rock from the Sun." I'll praise his brave career choices and his opting to do small independent movies like "Mysterious Skin" and "The Lookout," marveling at how he somehow managed to embody such commanding screen presence growing up in the world of television sitcoms. And inevitably, I'll make my way to the hard-to-categorize whodunit, "Brick" (2005).



“Emily said four words I didn't know. Tell me if they catch."

The first thing people notice (and write about, and now I've somewhat inadvertently joined them) about Rian Johnson’s “Brick” is the language. "I gave you Jerr to see him eaten, not to see you fed," Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Brendan Frye says at one point. And even though it is during a somewhat heated argument between the two of them, even his assistant vice principal has to compliment him. “Nicely put." Brendan smugly gives credit where it is due: "Accelerated English." It is just that type of hard-boiled inside vernacular that teenagers use to block and insulate themselves from adults (and their multiple, rapidly-changing meanings) that actually set this whole tale in motion. After Brendan receives an unexpected, vague and panicked phone call from his ex-girlfriend and shortly thereafter finds her dead body, he begins his own private investigation, determined to make sense of her cryptic last call to him and find her killer.



"I need words."

JGL is a teenaged version of Jack Nicholson's gumshoe Jack Gittes in "Chinatown" just decidedly more deadpan and glum with a heap of intensity and attitude simmering just beneath the surface. Mostly an outsider aside from the only associate of his we see (appropriately nicknamed The Brain, who assists him in unraveling this mystery and with whom he shares some typically slick back-and-forth banter with), but Brendan isn’t necessarily ostracized. His loner status is completely voluntary. You get the impression that he willingly resides at the fringes of the pack because he feels he shares nothing in common with his peers. Or maybe he doesn't view them as his "peers" at all. He seems to understand in a very mature way that the cliques and parties and social circles and events don't matter in the long run but he still adheres to the hierarchy, politics, knows who's who, the various ins and outs, while standing back and at times, even appears slightly amused at how the puppet theater all plays out.



"The ape blows or I clam."

As far as the world Brenan inhabits, his high school isn't at all like Beverly Hills 90210 or even Dawson's Creek. Rather it is an unseemly and seedy, David Lynchian alternate universe where murderously criminal-minded kids run the local underworld; where “bulls” are cops, a “burg” is a town and a “yeg” is a tough and it's not uncommon to see students cutting backroom deals with the assistant vice principal (coincidentally portrayed by another famous private dick, "Shaft"'s Richard Roundtree). Only here could a student say the town’s drug kingpin is “supposed to be old…like 26” without a hint of irony and have it be taken with even a modicum of seriousness. Brendan navigates this somewhat unpredictable territory, filled with an assortment of sirens, jocks, bullies and burnouts, with a quiet and determined intensity and encounters all manner of Mickey Spillane and Raymond Chandler-like clichés. You’ll find, like the classic detectives of the past, he’s also capable and willing to mix it up physically when he has to, as well.



"You're a quite a pill. Why'd you take a powder the other night?"

The resident femme fatale, Laura (Nora Zehetner), exudes a natural and demure girlishness that belies her possible deadliness. Zehetner does a superb job of emulating the demeanor of vixens past, lowing her voice to a slow and deliberate, yet sophisticated and seductive muted whisper, making cryptic comments that hide ulterior motives and saying just enough to make you wonder if she really doesn't know anything or if her entire lexicon is just naturally filled with a library of unintentionally inviting double entrendres. Brendan isn’t so easily swayed and immediately identifies her as a potential liability. "I'm not heeling you to hook you. I. Can't. Trust. You. Brad was a sap, you weren't. You're with him, so you're playing him. So you're a player. With you behind me, I'd have to tie one eye up watching both of your hands. I can't spare it."

"Better stop meeting me in the open, too. I'm gonna start getting visible. I need you on the underneath.”

Rookie director Rian Johnson’s debut feature and tribute to noir set in a San Clemente, CA high school won the Sundance Film Festival’s Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision in 2005. Not only does it have style to burn but it’s a very dark and smart homage that stands on its own as opposed to being some run-of-the-mill indie movie where the young actors pretend to be grown ups and do adult-like things for the amusement of those who might familiar with the genre’s typical conventions. It would also be a great way to introduce a curious teenager to detective stories. And if you don’t believe that the kid from “3rd Rock from the Sun” can carry a movie or be a convincing leading man, brace yourself for a very pleasant surprise.

I did it 365 days ago... I can do it again!!!

Ones to watch in 2009

10. Madelyn Marie


Age: 21

I love it when images speak for themselves. Physically, Madelyn's utter perfection from head-to-toe.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass Titans (Evil Angel, dir. Raul Cristian), New to the Game 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Stoya Atomic Tease (Digital Playground, dir. Celeste), Fresh Outta High School 13 (New Sensations, dir. Greg Lansky), Fresh Breed 5 (Gina Lynn Productions)

Internet - 2 Chicks Same Time, Fast Times at NAU, My Sister's Hot Friend (Naughty America), Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

Christian Sings the Blues about Madelyn Marie.


9. Katie Cummings


Age: 19

Five feet and five inches of robust and voluptuous Miami-bred, Cuban-flavored womanhood.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big White Bubble Butts 4, I Like Phat Buns 4 & Big Tit Brotha Lovers 14 (Exquisite), Deep in Latin Cheeks 3 & Wet Juicy Asses 4: The Latin Edition (Jules Jordan Video), Teens With Tits 13 (Diabolic), What An Ass 7 (Digital Sin), Big Bubble Butt Cheerleaders 8 & Big Bubble Butt Latin Sluts 6 (Evasive Angles), More Cushion for the Pushin' 3 & Plump Rumps 3 (Lethal-Hardcore), 110% Natural 17, Wasted Youth 7 & Smothered N' Covered 7 (Red Light District), Work It Work It Get It Get It 2, Juicy Latin Coochie & Slutty and Sluttier 8 (Evil Angel), Poolside Pussy & The Whole Enchilada 3 (Vouyer Media), Fresh Out The Box 11 (Mercenary Pictures)

Internet - Monster Curves (Reality Kings)

Christian Sings the Blues about Katie Cummings.


8. Dylan Ryder


Age: 27

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big Ole Titties (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Soft in the Middle (Digital Sin, dir. Tyrone Shuz), Cheating Wives Tales 11 (New Sensations), Truly Nice Ass 8 (DVSX)

Internet - Big Tits In Sports, Doctor Adventures, Milfs Like It Big, Mommy Got Boobs (Brazzers), Big Tits Boss, Milf Hunter, Monster Curves, Milf Next Door (Reality Kings), Milf Lessons, Milf Soup (Bang Bros), 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Big Sausage Pizza, Big Boobs POV

Christian Sings the Blues about Dylan Ryder.

and...

Jayden Jaymes


Age: 21

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass For Days 6 (Diabolic, dir. Greg Allan), Oil Overload 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Chris Streams), Naughty College School Girls 49 (New Sensations), Big Wet Tits 6 (Elegant Angel), Big Pretty Titties (Exquisite)

Internet - Ass Parade, Big Tits Round Asses, Big Tits Cream Pie, Fuck Team Five (Bang Bros), Baby Got Boobs, Real Wife Stories, Doctor Adventures, Big Tits In Sports, Big Tits At Work, Big Tits At School, Pornstars Like It Big (Brazzers), Naughty Athletics, Fast Times at NAU (Naughty America), Monster Curves, Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

These two remarkable big boob brunettes aren't exactly new but after suffering a "false start" of sorts when they first began, they both came back last year and returned not only hardly recognizable from their previous incarnations but better than ever. Reinvigorated, rejuvenated and repackaged, Dylan and Jayden have both re-emerged and watched their relevance rebound from remission. Recognize.


7. Mz Berlin


Age: 29

The enigmatic Mz Berlin is obviously more into fetish and BDSM than 'conventional' b/g, which is an almost crying shame because she's got a body seemingly specifically designed for that sole purpose. You can check out my favorite mistress, her flaming red hair and contrasting alabaster skin at her blog where she does a great job of detailing her goings and cummings.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big Boobs Are Cool 2 (Burning Angel Entertainment, dir. Mitch Fontaine)

Internet - Big Naturals (Reality Kings), Big Tits Round Asses (Bang Bros), Doctor Adventures, Big Tits at Work (Brazzers)

Christian Sings the Blues about Mz Berlin.


6. Lucky Benton


Age: 31

Every so often someone comes along with gigantic, swinging, pendulous mammaries so glorious and unbelievable we all have to stand and take notice in slack-jawed wonder and amazement. Gianna. Brandy Talore. Whitney Stevens. Cassandra Calogera. 2009 might end up being remembered as the year we all got Lucky.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Cheating Wives Tales 12 (New Sensations, dir. Mario Rossi), Milf Date (New Sensations, dir. Eddie Powell), Monster Tit Sex Zombies (Wicked, dir. Mark Stone), Double Vision 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Erik Everhard), More Cushion For The Pushin' 3 (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze)

Internet - Big Tits at School, Mommy Got Boobs, Real Wife Stories (Brazzers), Naughty Office (Naughty America), Cougars in Heat, Soccer Mom Score, Mr. Big Dick's Hot Chicks, Big League Facials, Chubby POV


5. Mya Nichole


Age: 24

Mya's a wiry yet busty do-it-all freak who's been making her name by appearing in a steady stream of Evil Angel movies (Anal Acrobats 3 (dir. Jay Sin), Evil Anal 7 (dir. Manuel Ferrara), Gape Lovers 3 (dir. Jay Sin) and Fuck Slaves 4 (dir. Jake Malone) and apparently has no aversion to creampies as evidenced by her romps in Internal Cumbustion 14 (Zero Tolerance, dir. Donnie Cabo), Internal Damnation 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Chris Streams), Internal Injections 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox) and Incumming 15 (Diabolic, dir. Gregg Alan). At his blog Christian says, "When you click on my model link to LA Direct, check out what she will do......good fucking gravy, what WON'T this chick do? You have to appreciate her willingness to do anything and everything on camera."

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass Cleavage 10 (Zero Tolerance, dir. Mike Quasar), Squirt in my Gape 3 (Elegant Angel, dir. William H.), Deep in Latin Cheeks 3 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Alexander Devoe), In Thru The Back Door 5 (Vouyer Media, dir. Vince Vouyer), Hot Sauce 7 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Obscene Behavior 5 (Red Light District, dir. John Strong), Need For Seed 3 (Diabolic)

Internet - Big Tits Cream Pie (Bang Bros) Big Butts Like It Big (Brazzers), Naughty Athletics, 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Porn Fidelity


4. Hanna Hilton


Age: 24

Before Steve Hirsch's real evil empire, Vivid, signed her to an exclusive performer contract, it was easy enough to see upon very first glance that the mind-boggling top-heavy Hilton was a true revelation. Scenes featuring her are in frighteningly short supply as of right now, especially pre-Vivid ones but even in those rare appearances it was readily apparent that the great state of Indiana might have possibly blessed us with a second straight busty blonde Best New Starlet. Check her out in the upcoming Bounce directed by B. Skow.

Perfs of note thus far:

Internet - Real Wife Stories (Brazzers)


3. London Keys


Age: 19

This thick and soft half-japanese teen with a downright dazzling smile wears her delectable 'Freshman 15' oh-so-well over her tat'd and pierced bod. This rarity (a naturally busty asian teen?) was brought to the adult world's attention by Anabolic director Ivan after shooting her for his Nice Rack 17. I've been watching her career with great interest ever since. She's got some scorchers dropping soon in Ass For Days 7 (Diabolic, dir. Gregg Alan), Real Racks 6 (3rd Degree, dir. Danny Case) and Bounce (Vivid, dir. B. Skow).

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - No Cum Dodging Allowed 10 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Mike John), Boobaholics Anonymous 4 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Mike John)Natural Born Swallowers 3 (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Teens With Tits 13 (Diabolic, dir. Ray Bones), New to the Game 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Poolside Pussy (Vouyer Media, dir. Van Styles), Daughter I'd Like To Fuck (New Sensations, dir. Greg Lansky), Barely Legal 88 (Hustler, dir. Erica McLean), In It Goes, Out It Cums 6 (Red Light District, dir. Mark Wood)

Internet - Baby Got Boobs (Brazzers), Teens At Work (Mofos), 2 Chicks Same Time, My Sister's Hot Friend, Fast Times at NAU and Naughty Bookworms (Naughty America), 18 Years Old, Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings), Big Tits Round Asses (Bang Bros).


2. Mason Moore


Age: 23

A mostly unknown and mysterious quantity at this point, Mason, with her various and elaborate tattoos and midnight black tresses (in the tradition of Katrina Kraven and more recently, Angelina Valentine) is just my type. So far she has 2 romps for Brazzers latest venture, MOFOS (Can She Take It? and Day With a Pornstar) under her belt and has done 5 scenes for Brazzers (Real Wife Stories twice, Baby Got Boobs, Big Tits At School and Big Tits In Sports) which remains one of the few places you can catch her on a regular basis.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Wet Juicy Juggs (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Cruisin' for Latin Pussy (DVSX, dir. Juan Cuba), Tunnel Butts (Jules Jordan Video/Cruel Media, dir. Chris Rolie)

Internet - I Have a Wife, Housewife 1-on-1 and 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Big Tits Boss (Reality Kings), PornFidelity.

Christian Sings the Blues about Mason Moore.


1. Asa Akira


Age: 23

A full-blooded Japanese hottie, Asa has a magazine model's flawless face, a beautiful and ever-present smile and energy to burn in her scenes. Her upcoming performances in Asian Fucking Nation 3 (Evil Angel, dir. Jonni Darkko) and Gabriella Fox Nude (Digital Playground, dir. Robby D.) are poised to turn a lot of heads that haven't had the good fortune of seeing this cookie in action already.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Top Notch Bitches 7, Ultimate Feast 3 & Drowning in Bitch Juice 3 (Gina Lynn Productions), Control Freaks (Vouyer Media, dir. Vince Vouyer), Fetish Fucks 3 (Vouyer Media, dir. Van Styles), Bombshell Bottoms 4 (Vouyer Media, dir. Donnie Cabo), Make Me Creamy 4 (Vouyer Media, dir. Donnie Cabo), Shot Glasses (Zero Tolerance, dir. Mick Blue), Sticky Sweet (Digital Playground, dir. Robby D)

Internet - Naughty Office (Naughty America), Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

That's the picture that started it all for me. And by "all" I mean EVERYTHING. I think that single image jumpstarted my interest in women overall, brunettes especially...hell, anything "sexual" whatsoever. And I still remember the first place I saw it.

I couldn't have been any more than seven or eight years old and I was tagging along with my dad. He was at one of his buddy's houses, playing cards and drinking beer as was typical for him to do on Saturdays and I was roaming around this strange house, trying to find the bathroom. I don't remember the portrait but I will never forget the postcard that was jammed into the lower right hand corner of the frame that hung in that hallway. It was that exact postcard you see above. And no exaggeration necessary, it changed my life. I remember standing in that hallway, almost trying to memorize it, so that I could take that image home with me that night.



I became so infatuated with that voluptuous bikini-clad vixen that I began to dream about bronze-skinned brunettes whenever I slept and I started to target and focus on them just as much in my waking hours, as well. I recall having a matchbook with the legendary pin-up's nude image on it that I kept in my underwear drawer. My mother found it, made my dad have a "talk" with me about it and then made ME throw it away. My obsession eventually led to me finding out the name of the woman on that postcard and I remember that moment as being...well, it was akin to a heathen finally finding Jesus Christ. A weight had been lifted and it felt like the end of a very long journey or scavenger hunt. Little did I know, it was only the beginning.

It's always been my goal to educate those around me and the first chance I got, a written assignment in English class, I wanted to share what I had learned about Bettie Page and what I had learned, I thought, was a very interesting story and certainly one worth telling. Maybe not appropriate for 4th or 5th graders, which is what I was, but I didn't know any better. I gathered what information I could (and back then it was scarce, which is what made Bettie so mysterious and twice as interesting as say, Abraham Lincoln. In those days, people assumed Bettie, once one of the most well-known women in the world, had simply vanished at the height of her fame and popularity) and poured my heart into probably the best one or two-page biography ever written by a 10-year old. My reward? A trip to the principal's office and a phone call to my parents. At this point, it wasn't the first time such a thing had happened and it surely wouldn't be the last but this was the one time I didn't understand why.



They say people and personalities never really change and that particular aspect of mine was carved out from Day One. Today my parents are never really surprised at their only son's interests, the company he keeps or the types of trouble he routinely finds himself in. I'm not sure they'd trace it all back to the iconic Bettie Page and a postcard, either. But she had an impact, an influence on me and so many others that can't and won't ever be accurately measured, some of which we take for granted and don't even realize. I realize. And I am grateful.



R.I.P. Bettie Page April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008

For comic book collectors, past and present, 2008 has been an outstanding year of onscreen adaptations. This summer will be remembered as the one that gave us the first legitimate blockbuster of the season in IRON MAN (with Robert Downey, Jr. in the titular role), followed by the second highest grossing movie of all time in Christopher Nolan’s THE DARK KNIGHT. I’ve watched Guillermo Del Toro’s beautiful and entertaining HELLBOY II countless times since the DVD hit shelves and who would have ever thought we’d see Edward Norton as THE INCREDIBLE HULK? Even better, we still have WATCHMEN to look forward to in March of next year.

The question all fans tend to raise again and again is, however, in the pantheon of truly great superhero movies, how do these recent releases stack up? Where do they place alongside the universally accepted standards like the first SPIDERMAN or X-MEN 2, for example? And for every time I hear a case made for fare like SUPERMAN RETURNS or BLADE there is always one comic book/superhero movie that tends to get overlooked.

“Real life doesn’t fit inside little boxes that were drawn for it.”



As more and more adaptations find success by grounding themselves in gritty reality, M. Night Shyamalan’s (The Sixth Sense) UNBREAKABLE (2000) remains the most realistic depiction of what it might be like if a regular human being was suddenly imbued with very irregular superhuman powers. Not only that but it may also be Shyamalan’s personal best.

UNBREAKABLE’s characters, security guard David Dunn (Bruce Willis) and comic book art dealer Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson) lives intersect when a train on which David is a passenger derails and he emerges unscathed, the only survivor. Elijah hears about this miraculous incident and takes a special interest in David, who he sees as his opposite, since he himself suffers from an affliction known as osteogenesis imperfecta, a condition that renders his bones very brittle and easily breakable. Suffering in this way feeds his insatiable interest in the fantasy world of comic books and the escape they provide but it might also be responsible for his certainly eccentric and perhaps mentally disturbed nature. His mostly depressing childhood is detailed in a series of painful and heartbreaking flashbacks (In fact, the opening alone would be considered horrifying if it were placed as the introduction to any other movie. In a Philadelphia department store, a young black woman gives birth to a baby boy. A doctor (Eamonn Walker) enters the room to have a look at the still-crying newborn before the ambulance arrives. The mask of disbelief that suddenly covers his face tells the whole story. ”What happened during the delivery? Did you drop this baby?” ) while David’s past is shrouded in mystery and slowly unravels as UNBREAKABLE creeps to its conclusion.

David and Elijah are indeed connected and are very much opposites. While David has believed all his life that his frighteningly real gifts have just been a coincidence, it’s Elijah’s deranged notions and infatuation with comic books that, by coincidence, turn out to be real. When UNBREAKABLE finally reaches its legitimately shocking and heart-pounding denouement, David has found out who he truly is but he also finds out who Elijah is and despite his fragile nature, he isn’t quite as helpless or friendly as he appears.

In UNBREAKABLE we find M. Night using a few familiar devices and revisiting themes that would come to permeate nearly all of his future works (and I don’t mean the “twist” ending, either): young children in central roles (here it is Spencer Treat Clark as the son who believes his father is somehow special) and unexplained martial problems (Robin Wright Penn plays Willis' estranged wife). Throughout his career, Shyamalan, early on at least, was hailed as a young genius and has often drawn comparisons to the late, great Alfred Hitchcock. While I would personally never go that far, I will say that he has similar success at building suspense. He also has a great gift in that, while writers like Tarantino, Mamet, Smith and others write characters who supposedly talk like we talk, Shyamalan creates people who act like we act. He knows when to be “still” and let a character’s silence or being in thought, their movement and their actions be the only exposition the audience needs or will get. Night also makes interesting choices with his camera, often times choosing to shoot intimate conversations from a distance as if we were eavesdropping on the participants or shooting his characters’ individual perspectives from decidedly different angles. He also makes great use of color to differentiate between the worlds of Dunn and Price.

UNBREAKABLE is, without a doubt, what the world would look like if superheroes actually walked among us. NBC’s Heroes this ain’t. To quote Frank Miller, a person need not fly to be "heroic." If this were a comic book, it would be an origin story; a journey where someone finding something exceptional within themselves, a hero answering “the call” and it all plays out very realistically. The characters are your average, “everyday” people and, as Shyamalan himself says, exist in a world where the hero is “flawed” and the villain is “endearing.” In the end, we learn a simple truth: good cannot exist without evil. That every protagonist needs an antagonist and when one takes up his mantle, then so can the other. “Now that we know who you are, I know who I am,” Elijah says tearfully in one of his final bittersweet lines. It is a proud moment for him and after witnessing all of his life’s hardships, it would be a rewarding and uplifting experience for the audience as well...if it weren’t also so simultaneously unnerving and discomforting.

'Zack & Miri Make A Porno' director Smith suffers from an identity crisis



Pittsburgh residents Zack and Miri have been slacker roommates and best friends since graduating high school ten years ago. After recent financial crisis, inadvertant internet celebrity and a chance meeting with a porn star at their humiliating high school reunion all conveniently intersect, Zack hatches a plot to use all of the above as the impetus to make his own amateur adult movie to get them out of debt. He enlists the aid of his co-worker Delaney (The Office's Craig Robinson, a scene-stealing machine) to act as producer, a hockey buddy Deacon (Jeff "Randall Graves" Anderson) as his cameraman and through an audition process hires "Bubbles" (a droll and boring Traci Lords), Stacey (the perpetually perky Katie Morgan), Barry (Ricky Mabe) and Lester (Jason Mewes, more than willing to provide the full-frontal male nudity) to round out the cast of -- what else would a porn parody be called in a Kevin Smith movie? -- "Star Whores." During the filming of their homemade project, Zack and Miri discover feelings for one another that they didn't know they had.

Don't believe the hype. For all the highly-publicized battles with the MPAA over the final rating, banned movie posters, television spots conveniently changing the title depending on what hour they aired and how outrageous and controversial Kevin Smith would like you to believe Zack & Miri Make a Porno is, it is completely underwhelming.



I went in expecting to be pleasantly surprised with non-stop and full-on hilarity in the same vein as Clerks II (a movie I thought would be a surefire disappointment and a self-serving grab at the cash) but Zack and Miri comes up short and ironically enough, this seems to be the movie where Smith is finally taking aim at crossover appeal. I didn't see anything here that would even warrant a very hard R much less an NC-17 rating. Other than the overabundance of coarse language (which feels it's there just for the sake of being there) that seems to have replaced the usual wit and pop culture ruminations of Smith's characters and the nudity, which is a lot less frequent than the title would lead you to imagine, I can't see how anyone would find this movie any more offensive than any number of potty-mouthed, toilet-humor movies that have preceded it. It's not that I wanted or needed anything more intense or graphic but the filming of the actual porno seemed fairly comical, over-the-top and tame considering all the fuss that's been made over the past few months.

It's as if Smith had a great idea for a romantic comedy but was missing something that would sell it so in between seeing cameos by the likes of Stormy, Nautica Thorn, Jenna Haze and Aurora Snow in Judd Apatow's movies (the 40 Year Old Virgin director who has seen significant more success than Smith following a slightly dumbed down version of the blueprint one could say Smith created yet Apatow improved upon it by having actual craft and utilizing way better comedic acting talent) and seeing Katie Morgan on HBO, he came up with the implausible "make a porno" slant and quickly jotted down the rest of this threadbare script on a napkin. This is very obviously an "I've got a cool title and I'll just write a movie around it" movie and it shows. In fact, Miri is so underdeveloped as a character that I still don't know what it is she even did for a living (which is a shame because Elizabeth Banks might very well be the best thing here). Apparently out of ideas, Smith even harkens back to Clerks (I know, surprise surprise) when "Star Whores"' first location gets destroyed and Zack decides to shoot the movie where he works after hours, the same way Smith famously shot Clerks at night in the convenience store where he was employed.



Zack and Miri isn't going to do itself any favors as far as other Apatow comparisons go, either; for the first twenty minutes I thought that's exactly what I was watching, not to mention Smith takes the liberty of casting about half of Apatow's regular and peripheral players (check out Gerry Bednob basically being "Mooj" from 4YOV all over again, this time as Zack's boss at the Bean-N-Gone coffee shop, Seth Rogen remains the very same unattractive yet sincere and loveable schlub he is in Knocked Up and that's just for starters). Smith has deviated from the conventions he more or less created to make an Apatow-a-like movie in an attempt to finally reach the broader audience that has managed to elude him but in the process lost the rambling yet unique dialogue and inherent charm that I go to see Kevin Smith movies for. On the bright side, there are a few comical cameos in the form of Justin Long, Brandon Routh, Tisha Campbell-Martin and for eagle-eyed porn fans, Pittsburgh's own Ricki Raxxx gets a few seconds of screen time.

It's a considerable stretch to believe that two life-long pals could only come to the realization they they're in love with each other after having their backs against the wall to the point where they have to have onscreen sex. But the promise of a Kevin Smith movie got me into the theater, which was entirely the point. But I should leave feeling satisfied that Smith delivered what he promised, not that I got duped. And ninety minutes later I felt more like a sucker than a proud Smith acolyte. This is not what I go to see his movies for. It's a shame that after years of inspiring others, Kevin Smith is no longer content to be himself.