Friday, March 28, 2008 

The (Hidden) Stones That The Builder Refused...

The Boondocks Season 2 Episode 14
The Hunger Strike

In an effort to have BET removed from the air completely, Huey takes a stand and goes on a hunger strike. His protest catches the attention of media monger Rev Rollo Goodlove, who reappears to once again hitch his spotlight-seeking wagon to the publicity and media circus surrounding the event much to the chagrin of the network's inept executives, Weggie Rudlin & Deborah Leevil.

The Boondocks Season 2 Episode 15
The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show

BET gives Uncle Ruckus his own reality show in their bid to further brainwash and de-educate their black viewership. Eager to confirm his true heritage, Ruckus visits a genealogist who reveals a shocking least, to Ruckus.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 

Buy Any Jeans Necessary

Kanye West is an easy guy to hate.

Despite the great music and crafting possibly the best hip-hop album of last year in GRADUATION he's still an annoying and arrogant prick. You can argue all you like about it being justified but that doesn't erase the fact that the personality that he presents in public, despite his signficant and considerable talent, is still very much that of an asshole.

But you've got to give it to the guy when it comes to self-promotion. And if you didn't hear about his Listening Party for GRADUATION before it dropped, the word is if you weren't there...well, then you missed out. In addition to doing the customary "party to my all-new music" thing, West set his songs to a few classic works of science fiction and anime, creating a listening "experience" that has now been leaked to the 'net. As you will witness below, the marriage was marvelous.



2001: A Space Odyssey.



Sunday, March 16, 2008 

When They Reminisce...

In the orgasmic clutches of the Excessive Machine: Jane Fonda, Barbarella (1968).

Jesus Quintana (John Turturro) in The Big Lebowski (1998). That creep can roll, man.

Takeshi Kitano (aka Beat Takeshi) and the boys and girls of Class 3-B in 2000's Battle Royale. Not pictured: their grisly and violent deaths.

Friday, March 14, 2008 

Pornification Globalization

Not only is porn big business, it’s worldwide business. But when most fans think of foreign-born talent, the majority of the names on the tips of their collective tongues come from Prague or somewhere else in or near the Czech Republic (Angel Dark, Jane Darling, Monica Sweetheart, Silvia Saint, Nikita Denise, Liliane Tiger, Sharka Blue, Laura Lion, Daria Glower, Barbara Summer) Hungary (Michelle Wild, Rita Faltoyano, Mandy Bright, Cynthia Pendragon, Laura Orsolya) or perhaps even Germany (Ana Nova, Katja Kassin, Annette Schwarz) and France (Melissa Lauren, Katsumi) and we’ve even managed to import a few Canadians (Shyla Stylez, Lauren Phoenix, Lanny Barbie) to all take part in our morally corrupt flesh trade.

Personally, I have a weakness for British accents. Seriously. Like, I’ve seen SPICE WORLD from start to finish an embarrassing number of times just to hear those girls speak. It’s pretty goddamn ridiculous. I can still get my fix currently with stars like Alexis Silver, Savannah Gold and Leah Jaye but I still miss the days when I had options like Destiny Deville, Michelle B., Jamie Brooks, Carmel Moore, Alexis May and Hannah Harper (or even Cathy Barry, Kirsten Halborg and Denise Davies on occasion).

The following girls are five of my favorite dirty birds from the UK to ever get "buggered" on these shores and a few of their best scenes when paired with stateside talent.

US vs. UK

5. Sophie Dee
Llanelli, Wales
Born: January 17, 1984
Like most pornstars, Sophie was a bit more voluptuous when she first arrived here but the one thing that will never change is that adorable, bashful smile and her oversized, electric blue eyes. Her DP at the hands of Mark Wood and Alec Knight in “Ass Appeal #5” (Hustler, 2007; dir: Van Styles) is what two-on-one sex should look like, while if you ever wanted to know what it might be like to do Sophie yourself, check out “Filthy Anal POV #2” (Acid Rain, 2006; dir: Benjamin Brat) which pits her versus Tony T.

4. Holly Wellin
Wigan, England
Born: July 4, 1986
Ten years my junior and ironically enough born on this country’s independence day, Manchester, England native Holly Wellin has long been a personal favorite; I’ve gone so far as to say her glory hole scene in Belladonna’s “Cock Happy” (Evil Angel, 2006; dir: Belladonna) with Mark Ashley was the most enjoyable outing in the bunch and in my eyes, stole the entire show, even with it being the living legend Belladonna’s triumphant and long-awaited return to boy/girl sex. She’s matched against Jerry & Mark Wood in “Gaped Crusaders” (Hustler, 2006; dir: Van Styles) and once again, Van ends up capturing yet another stroker’s time capsule-worthy DP.

3. Alicia Rhodes
Manchester, England
Born: September 8, 1978
After hearing so much about and eventually seeing her performance in “7 The Hard Way #2” (Red Light District, 2003; dir: Vince Vouyer), I felt almost proud to plunk my money down on the counter and purchase “Double Dip’Er #2” (JM Productions, 2003; dir: Francesca Le) where she also happens to front the box, the poles of Mark Wood and Scott Lyons filling both of her holes. I’m generally not a fan of gangbangs (or anything where the amount of cocks outnumber the pairs of tits present) but the 40 minute-plus endurance trial she puts on in ”7 The Hard Way #2” with Brandon Iron, Dick Delaware, Randy Spears, Steve Holmes, Tony Tedeschi, Benjamin Brat and Scott Lyons made a strong and long-lasting impression on a lot of people. How can you not love a slut who readily admits, “I’m a filthy whore and you’re my fucking rent boys!!!” while being stuffed airtight by a basketball team plus two?

2. Roxy Jezel
London, England
Born: June 5, 1982
If there’s one universally recognized fact about Club Jenna girl Roxy Jezel it’s that she simply does not tire. You can NOT wear her out. She’s a hummingbird on crystal meth, something that was first brought to my attention in ”Banana Cream Pie #2” (Video Team, dir: David Aaron Clark) with Brian Surewood, Brett Rockman and Brian Heston. I hadn’t ever seen Roxy in action before and I was genuinely taken aback by her boundless energy. Then came “Asian Bang” (Video Team, 2005; dir: Xavier Blaze).

I said, ”The coup de grace here is Roxy Jezel. The girl is simply a Duracel battery...who ends up fucking the absolute shit out of [Brian Surewood] in a one-on-one on his desk. Their tryst alone would be enough to satisfy most viewers but then Surewood invites in Steven French, Jack Venice and Buster Good and all. Hell. Breaks. Loose. Of course, she's humped silly in every orifice, wailing and shrieking for more every second of the way. I mean, honestly, I can only think of two words to describe the finale and that is "Jesus Christ." Roxy is in a performance class all her own as we all know but Lord, I haven't seen her fucked this well by multiple partners since DAC's "Banana Cream Pie #2."

1. Isabel Ice
Cardiff, Wales
Born: April 15, 1982
When you’re talking about a girl like Isabel Ice it becomes difficult to cite too many specific perfs as highlights because when you’re a performer like Isabel Ice, every scene is a highlight. If the adult entertainment industry had its own Sportscenter-like television show, Isabel, while she was active here in the States, would have been in the Top Plays of the Week EVERY week. Check her out in “Fully Loaded #2” (Red Light District, 2004; dir: Michael Stefano) with Mike Stefano, John Strong, Erik Everhard and Juan Cuba or “Tear Me A New One” (Platinum X Pictures, 2005; dir: Jake Malone) with Brandon Iron, John Strong, Michael Stefano, Mr. Pete and Steve Holmes in a show that ends with all the guys giving Ice anal cream pies which she squeezes out onto a dinner plate and licks up. It might not get me off personally but you've got to appreciate and admire the depravity.

Monday, March 03, 2008 

Kittens on a Hot Tin (Grind) House

or Further Deconstructing My Unhealthy Obsession with Brunettes...

You might not know it by looking at her now but Elizabeth Taylor was super-fine back in her day.

I was on a Paul Newman kick of sorts at the time and screening CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF (1958) in ‘97 when I got to see for myself for the very first time just how sexy Liz used to be. In the clip above witness a surprisingly-curvy Taylor slip out of a form-fitting beige ensemble, saunter around in just her white satin slip (do women even still wear slips under their dresses nowadays?) and continuously throw herself at hard-drinking Paul Newman to no avail (I liked this movie so much, in fact, that I named my first dog “Brick” after Newman’s character here).

Premiere magazine says, "Famous for her violet eyes, radiant looks, love of jewels, and many, many marriages, Taylor's onscreen legacy (she grew up onscreen, from National Velvet to Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) is matched by her larger-than-life celebrity. And in her prime, she was a lushly sexual star — watch Cleopatra; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; Suddenly, Last Summer; and Reflections in a Golden Eye to see why her many, many husbands got down on one knee."

And while I openly lament the lack of true movie “stars” in Hollywood nowadays, I’ll gladly take some of the fly-by-night substitutes we’ve gotten in their place. Case in point: Electra and Elise Avellan.

For those of you who don’t know Electra and Elise, they are director Robert Rodriguez’s nieces and made their first (and so far, only) appearance in GRINDHOUSE as Marley Shelton’s “Crazy Babysitter Twins.” They had limited screen time and very few lines but I can’t think of one guy who saw them that didn’t want to see a WHOLE lot more after PLANET TERROR ended. Here’s that “more.”

...and they’re 22 years old, just in case you were wondering if they were legal. Sure, neither Electra nor Elise will ever be Elizabeth Taylor but in 2008, I figure they'll do in a pinch.

Saturday, March 01, 2008 

Cowboys To Girls

AKA “The Sins of The Father”

After all these years, I’m starting to realize that maybe as a kid I sold my dad a bit short.

But then again, don’t we all?

Of course we all know there is no way our parents could have ever been as cool as us or knew as much as we did; time has obviously passed them by and they as may as well had been trying to make our dinner by rubbing two sticks together as far as we were concerned. And their personal taste in everything from clothes to food to movies and television? Good God. No contest.

I can’t tell you how many frustrating weekday afternoons I spent silently simmering in my own bedroom, watching “Tranzor Z” or “Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors” on my dinky black and white because my dad, drinking an after-work cold one and relaxing in the living room watching the big TV, would commandeer that space to watch Rawhide, Bonanza and The Rifleman every afternoon. As someone who just wanted to see five robot lions form one giant robot around 5:30pm while ignoring his homework, I just couldn’t figure out the appeal of shows that were intentionally in black and white (if he wanted black-and-white so badly, why not just switch places with me?) that took place in an era my father didn’t live and quite frankly, wouldn’t be welcome. What was the fascination? How on Earth could he relate?

The older I get the more I’m finding out that it’s true we somewhat become our parents, as scary as that thought is, especially to those of us who don’t necessarily even like our folks. Be that as it may, I’ve gained an appreciation for the uniquely American Western genre over the years and finally, maybe me and pops have something in common after all. A love affair that began for me in 1992 with Clint Eastwood’s UNFORGIVEN has continued right on up to today and James Mangold’s 3:10 TO YUMA remake (coincidentally, I once compared Mangold’s second directorial effort, COP LAND, to a Western. Thus YUMA seemed a natural transition and perfect fit for him) with no end in sight. In fact, I just recently purchased the MAN WITH NO NAME trilogy...for a second time.

”This country’s getting’ old and it’s time to get old with it. Now The Kid don’t want it that way. Might be a better man for it. I ain’t judging.” - James Coburn as Pat Garrett

I’m no stranger to Sam Peckinpah or his unique brand of violence but recently cable afforded me the opportunity to DV-R two of his more controversial classics, STRAW DOGS (1971) (which I’ve seen hundreds of times but hadn’t for years) and PAT GARRETT & BILLY THE KID (1973), which I had never seen. It won’t mean much for me to say I was impressed considering how much praise this movie and the man responsible have had showered on them over the ensuing twenty-five years since its release but I will say that I was much more impressed than I ever expected to be. I didn’t start watching until nearly 5AM and fully expected to fall asleep (I was DEAD tired) before it ended but it more than kept my attention for the duration.

Starring Kris Kristofferson as unpredictable but likeable outlaw Billy The Kid (It’s too bad that today’s generation only knows Kristofferson as the crusty, old mentor to a black vampire hunter but for some reason, I kept seeing Kurt Russell when I would look at young Kris’ mannerisms. Even more sad that the same people are more likely to remember the Jock from THE BREAKFAST CLUB as William H. Bonney than Kristofferson but then again, we’re talking about a group whose generation-defining movie is AMERICAN PIE not PORKY’S and their coming-of-age more closely resembles CAN’T HARDLY WAIT than SIXTEEN CANDLES) and James Coburn who looks like, well...a younger but never really “young” James Coburn (but does on occasion remind one of Lee Van Cleef in THE GOOD, THE BAD and THE UGLY when he allows his mustache to grow out about midway through and takes to dressing in all black) all the familiar Peckinpah themes are in place (the scene with the children merrily and innocently playing on the noose that is set up in the gallows to hang Billy The Kid recalls the opening of THE WILD BUNCH (1969) where the street kids set some scorpions on top of a hill of red ants) and of course, the bright red Shaw Brothers-like blood flows (and looks) like paint. Once it actually began, I doubt that PG&BTK went more than 7-10 minutes without someone getting shot and dying. The deaths range from meaningless (but not truly without meaning, just...needlessly futile. A hopeless sort of pointlessness, if you understand what I’m saying) to poignant to ultra-violent.

I cried: I accidentally rubbed UTZ Red Hot potato chips powder into my right eye as I watched. I laughed: mostly at the way the women were portrayed. It seems as if they only exist in the world presented here for the sole purpose of being random and disposable; ready, willing and anonymous sex objects to sleep with and discard. It was either that, get slapped around, raped or in some cases, all three. And that was by “heroes” and “villains” alike, though at times, lines blur and it becomes increasingly difficult to tell who is who depending on your point of view.

The only woman who didn’t fit into this mold (or anything else at this point despite starting her career as an absolutely gorgeous woman who would easily qualify as “my type”) was Katy Jurado. Part of a three-person posse that consisted of her husband, Sheriff Baker (played by Slim Pickens), Pat Garrett and herself, Mrs. Baker was her husband’s no-nonsense, shotgun-toting deputy and a woman of few words. Watching her rough-and-tumble exterior peel away before your very eyes as she watches her husband slowly succumb to a mortal wound suffered during a gunfight attempting to interrogate a few of Billy The Kid’s old running buddies is one of the more touching death scenes of not only this movie, but in my recent memory. There’s nothing trivial or glamorous about dying here. And it’s the people you least expect who show deep regret in their eyes and in their gait when they’re forced to take a life.

It was a worthwhile watch and now, no doubt, a purchase. I just hope my son wasn’t as upset with me while I watched it and he wanted to see HAPPY FEET for the millionth time. History has a weird way of repeating itself. Life's funny that way, I'm finding out.