Friday, February 22, 2008 

The Miseducation of Eva Angelina

A screenplay by Crucifixio Jones


All the requisite sights pass over a car’s windshield; the gleaming pyramid that is the Luxor, the huge lion head of the MGM Grand, the dueling pirate ships that front Treasure Island and the jumping, high-sprouting fountains of the Mirage. The windows, tinted pitch black on this SUV, don’t allow us to immediately see the figure driving inside.

The camera slowly travels up the body of an unidentified but very bronzed female; up from her immaculately pedicured feet as they work the gas and brake until it reaches a familiar heart-shaped tanline over her left breast where it lingers for a bit before finally gliding up to reveal the face of EVA ANGELINA, a 22-year old, 5’3”, Chinese/Cuban brunette whose glistening white smile lights up the dark interior and the clear Vegas night.

I’ve come a long way since I first started in this business four years ago. Back then I was just 18-years old and I hardly knew a fraction of what I know now. Hell, the only thing about me now that’s the same as back then are the glasses on the tip of my nose. So much has changed and I’ve come so far. Or should I say “cum”?


The lyrics seem to take on special significance as the images of Eva next to Teagan in Red Light District fare “Cum Swapping Sluts 7” flickers by or her scene with Mark Ashley in “Just Over Eighteen 10” and her turn with Mark Ashley AND Mr.Pete in New Sensations’ “Teen Dreams 7.” Spears continues to coo seductively over each sex scene: “All you people look at me like I’m a little girl/Well did you ever think it’d be okay for me to step into this world?” seems eerily appropriate. It’s evident from the clips that while Eva is young in age, she’s a more-than-capable performer. She knows her partners’ bodies, she’s in tune with her own and she seemingly just knows sex. Period. She looks like a natural phenomenon, pulchritudinous poetry in motion. Even at this early stage, she looks like a professional. Which she is.

Those were the good old days and while my personal life threatened to keep my star from rising, I persevered. Not only did I come back wiser and stronger than before, I reinvented myself. [laughs and jostles her boobs in her bra] It was like starting all over again, brand new but this time I knew what to expect. And as a result, I think my fans came out even bigger winners than me.


“N-n-now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger…I know I got to be right now, ‘cause I can’t get much wronger...” The beat drops and an explosion of highlights bursts forth. When Kanye belts “I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!” choice bits from Evil Angel’s “Angels of Debauchery 4”, Platinum X Pictures’ “Big Giant Titties 1”, Elegant Angel’s “Cum Drenched Tits 2” and Zero Tolerance’s “Double Decker Sandwich 6” speed by in rapid MTV-style edited succession. This is, without a doubt, a different talent than we saw in the first montage. It’s the same person, sure, but she’s no longer the somewhat flat-chested little girl. She’s very much a young woman now and every inch looking every bit the part.

And now? I can’t be ignored. I don’t think anyone would want to. 2006 was great but I’ve had a year unlike any other before in 2007 and finally I’m due to get what I deserve come January. I’ve worked my ass off. Upload. Big Wet Asses 12. Bikini-Clad Cum Sluts. Big Wet Tits 5. E For Eva. And of course, Operation: Desert Stormy for my homegirl! I don’t know how this crazy documentary ends but if I had to imagine...


Congratulations to Eva Angelina, winner of AVN's Best Actress (Video) award for her role in Sex-Z Pictures' UPLOAD.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 

Remember The Time II

Dechiphering Over 20-Odd Years of Personal Preference

G.I. Joe's The Baroness in 1985. POV Fantasy 2's Eva Angelina in 2005. In 20 years what's really changed?

I've often been accused of falling for the same type of woman. They could have, as one friend puts it, all come off the same assembly line. And as much as I deny that opinion, I've recently come to realize that it's something of a fact. It's true. I tend to fall for women who are, at least physically, very similar. But this also isn't a new occurence; it's been this way for a very, very, very long time. I might be giving away a bit about my age but what follows are a few of my childhood crushes I'd like to share. Personally, I'd argue that these three ladies are nothing alike: one is Italian, the other is Chinese and and one is the product of Irish and Iraqi-Chilean parents by way of London, England. But taking a good look at them today, I'd wager it's a safe assumption to say that I definitely have a "type." It just goes to show that it's true when people say the more things change, the more they stay the same and you really can't run from who you are.

Ornella Muti

FLASH GORDON (1980) was one of my favorite movies as a kid! I'm not sure how old I was when I first saw it but I can at least say I’m not so old that I saw it when it was originally released. I think it might have actually been one of the first movies I caught once my parents finally got cable. However old I was, it seemed like this movie had everything and I must’ve watched it (along with STAR WARS and GALAXY EXPRESS 999) whenever it came on, likely checking those tiny monthly cable guides for each showing to make sure I didn’t miss it. Back then I couldn’t tell you WHY I liked Princess Aura so damn much, I just knew I did. I liked her long, dark straight hair. I liked her almond-shaped eyes. And I was in love with her deep and husky, seductive accent and her deliberate, just-above-a-whisper voice. I didn’t know what I would do with her once I had her but even back then, I knew I wanted her.

For something.


Charlotte Lewis

By the time THE GOLDEN CHILD dropped in 1986, Eddie Murphy could do no wrong in my eyes. And to a young and impressionable 10 year old that had already seen him do his thing on Saturday Night Live (I still remember all of my cousins and myself huddled around a tiny black & white television in my bedroom the night that Buckwheat got shot), DELIRIOUS, 48 HOURS, TRADING PLACES and BEVERLY HILLS COP, he was probably the funniest man on Earth. It was a no-brainer that I’d see THE GOLDEN CHILD. What I didn’t expect to see was Kee Nang, his athletic and mystical Tibetan sidekick who just happened to get drenched by a ruptured water pipe during her first action sequence in the movie, magically transforming her crisp white summer ensemble into a dripping wet, see-through fetish outfit that clung to her every previously-hidden curve like warm poured latex. AND she could fight!

The infatuation had begun in earnest.


Joan Chen

In 1990 I was just starting my second year of high school and I guess you could say I was more or less finding out who I was and following my own tastes and interests instead of going along with the crowd. Thank God for that because if I hadn't, I might not have known who David Lynch was until much later in life or ever watched what my parents referred to as that "dry-ass show," TWIN PEAKS during its original televised run. Nowadays there isn't much left to say about the show that hasn’t been said a million times over already, especially since its recent re-release to DVD. But when I wasn’t gushing over how different, how weird and strange and how good this odd new show was to anyone who would listen, I was telling them how they had to tune least long enough to see fine-ass Jocelyn ”Josie” Packard who owned the saw mill. Growing up in a small town that was eighty percent white, I’m not sure if I had ever even seen an Asian woman before. I recall Chen having this quiet dignity about her but at the same time being just flat-out sexy, smoldering and sensual.

I think I’ve been chasing similarly enigmatic and exotic women ever since.


More as my crushes develop.

Or not.