Saturday, August 18, 2007 

Random Ish

Five Slow Songs I Can't Stop Playing:

1. Usher - Anything really. I'm just feelin' the kid this week for some reason. "Burn" especially but "U Got It Bad" is equally as timeless.

2. Amerie - I Just Died (All I Have) - I don't know if it's a subconscious thing with me because I happen to know that Amerie is a local girl or what, but her voice does something to me that not many current R&B singers do. Every time I rave about a new song of hers (or in most cases, even an old one), a friend of mine just explains it away thusly, "I don't know, and Amerie just got some kinda connection I guess I don't understand."

I imagine if I grew up in D.C. with A, she'd have been the skinny, shy girl that sure, everyone thought was cute, but wasn't really trying too hard to get with because she didn't really have a bangin'-ass body. Then a few years after you two graduate high school, you happen see her at the local carnival one summer and immediately regret your decision, kicking yourself for being so young, so foolish, so shallow so many years ago. But it's too late. There she is, late-blooming Amerie Rogers is all grow'd up now and the ensuing scene looks like something straight out of a Kodak or Cialis ad. You watch from afar, literally boiling over with the greenest kind of envy as she smiles her picture perfect Crest-white smile at some tall, dark Tyson Beckford-lookin'-ass nigga, looking genuinely happy as she holds his hand in hers and some fluffy pink cotton candy in the other. Meanwhile, Blackanova carries all the various stuffed animals he's won for her, knocking over old-fashioned milk bottles with his overly muscular arms. Or maybe listening to this song makes me imagine Amerie as "the one who got away" way too much.

3. New Edition - With You All The Way (All For Love) - This song moves along at just the right tempo, culiminating in a powerful crescendo by the time Ralph, going for dolo here, reaches the chorus. And best believe, Tresvant fuckin' pours on that innocent schoolboy falsetto that had so many underaged and confused girls' panties wet long before that thing was even supposed to happen to them. You'ze a singin'-ass mafucka if you can jumpstart PUBERTY in the opposite sex. Thanks to Mr. Sensitivity, I probably shaved a good couple of years off the time I would have normally had to wait to lose my virginity. VH1's Behind the Music might've taught us that NE never really got paid but they got CJ laid and in the end, that's all that really matters.

4. Omarion - The Truth (21) - I find myself lost in the moment whenever O's ballad to how awesome his girl's "love" is comes on. Example: I was driving home one Friday afternoon and got stuck in traffic (a similar situation once resulted in me conceiving Kanye's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" remix with Young Jeezy before it actually happened. Point being: good things happen when CJ is stuck in traffic singing), when I noticed the people in the minivan next to me staring inside my car. I thought it might have been the dried loogie on the back passenger's side that didn't quite clear the car when I spit it directly into the wind a few minutes earlier but they didn't seem to notice that dried and crusty green stuff splattered across the dirty glass. That's when I realized I had been singing what I considered the "best part" of this song ("Oh girl, you are the one, that is no doubt -- you're what my momma was talkin' 'bout!") at the top of my lungs, fantasizing that I was peforming this song to perfection, trademark Omarion dance steps and all, on American Idol, winning not only the entire competition but this whole country's undying adoration.

What? I can't dream in my own car?

5. Ne-Yo - Get Down Like That (Remix) (feat. Ghostface) (In My Own Words) - Watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien the other night, guest Tina Fey told an interesting story about her show "30 Rock." She said that Ghostface Killah had been on the show twice (Tracy Morgan, another of Fey's co-stars, is good friends with Ghost) but he's basically been appearing for free because he doesn't bother to fill out the paperwork that would allow him to be paid for his guest spots. She claimed it wouldn't be a tremendous amount anyway (likely around $500 she estimated) and while I can understand that netting an extra five hundred bones wouldn't necessarily be a priority for the Wally Champ, who'd likely just go out and blow it that same afternoon on a baby blue bathrobe with "Tony Starks" in rhinestones and sequins across the back, oversized aluminum gauntlets painted gold and an order of ravioli to-go from Carraba's, I couldn't help but wonder how many larger opportunities have passed where Ghost's "g was just 'too futuristic'" to handle his business. The way Ne-Yo ripped the chorus of "Back Like That" for Ghost (especially on the Kanye-assisted remix), I can only hope that the Ironman did this verse for free, too.

Sunday, August 12, 2007 


While other companies continue to age or outright fold, a few others attempt to shake things up in a major way, deftly dodging becoming dinosaurs.

This is a tale of two companies. Each with illustrious and storied adult entertainment histories. But also two ships rapidly sinking and desperately in need of a way to right themselves.

Both Elegant Angel and Anabolic Video have found the means to inject a feeling of youth, vitality and freshness by handing the reins over to creative directors who, while their respective outlooks on porn may vary from the norm, the results can't be denied. The buzz is heavy and with good reason.

Elegant Angel - Quirky Yet Experienced Auteurs Don't Fight Change; They Face & Embrace It

After rocketing back to prominence on the strength of basing new and innovative lines around popular and dynamic performers, Elegant Angel has done it yet again, using their can't-miss formula to ressurect two of their classic and iconic lines and hand them over to two of the best directors to ever peer through a viewfinder.

William H is almost single-handedly responsible for Elegant's resurgence. He's shot camera or directed nearly every one of their releases since coming onboard with Heavy Handfuls 2 in 2002. I still remember the day I picked up Booty Duty 11 on a lark (seeing as how it looked much different than anything I had seen from Elegant in recent years and the cast was the SHIT) and I've been following the former Mr. Nutsack ever since. His resume is much too long to reproduce here but William has done every fetish, genre and niche movie you can think of since hanging his trademark bucket hat at Elegant. The recent installments of Big Wet Asses (previously created by former Elegant Angel director Thomas Zupko) are probably his best. Knowing asses like he does likely made him an easy choice to captain the new BUTTWOMAN movie starring Brianna Love.

Mason. Mysterious, enigmatic and William H's spiritual "sister", controversy and critical acclaim have followed this notoriously reclusive directrix wherever she has decided to don her identity-shielding burka. Frustrating at times to follow because of her frequent self-imposed hiatuses (she has been directing just as long as William H but has produced only a fraction of his output), Mason has worked at Patrick Collins' House of Ideas before, shocking the world with her two Dirty Trixxx and Lady Fellatio movies before disappearing and reemerging at Platinum X Pictures with Sexual Disorder and Riot Sluts. She was responsible for some fairly amazing scenes and more of what her fans expected (Riot Sluts 2 for PXP and Sluts at Excessive Entertainment) then suddenly resurfaced at Elegant Angel once again, this time cleverly disguised as SAM NO and blessing us with a more tame vision than her followers are used to with Massive Asses. That identity, thankfully, has been cast aside in favor or returning to her old familiar moniker to trumpet the crowning of a new SLUTWOMAN, Annette Schwarz and their Scorsese/DeNiro-like collaboration. A famously depraved mind paired with the most prolific performer to emerge from Germany since Katja Kassin, who willing nicknamed herself 'Circus Pferdchen' (Pferdchen translates as "little horse" or "prostitute" in German). I can't wait to see the results.

Anabolic - New Directors Tackle Historic Lines While Predecessors' Ghosts Loom Large

True fans of adult can't help but get a little misty-eyed when one mentions series like Bring Em Young, Initiations, Nice Rack, Up Your Ass, The Gangbang Girl, Women of Color, Balls Deep, Sweet Cheeks, Oral Consumption and the A Cum Sucking Whore Named... line (which has starred a virtual who's who of talent over the years: Katsumi, Belladonna, Shyla Stylez, Aurora Snow, Francesca Le and Adrianna Sage just to name a few). We all remember the halcyon days at Anabolic and their classic cadre of talent:

Mike John: Directed Up Your Ass 12-20 after Sean Michaels' run on 1-11 but is probably more noted for helming the Down The Hatch, Lewd Conduct and most famously, Perverted POV for sister company Diabolic before moving on to Red Light District where Perverted POV became POV Pervert and innovated No Cum Dodging Allowed and Semen Sippers amongst others before finally landing at Jules Jordan Video.

Lexington Steele: Balls Deep 1-7 and The Black Bastard were his calling cards as he presided over a few Initiations and also the classic Women of Color series. Created Iron Maidens at Diabolic. Started his own Mercenary Pictures after an ill-fated deal with Red Light District.

Jon Dough: Created the long-running Bring 'Um Young series and shot the first the majority of the first eighteen installments and also the first three volumes of Ass Cream Pies, Nice Rack 9 & 10. His Spring Chickens 1-5 and Un-Natural Sex 1-6 appeared under the Diabolic banner. Dough tragically committed suicide late last year.

Erik Everhard: Picked up Un-Natural Sex where Dough left off with 7-9, was the brains behind Sweet Cheeks 1-4 and 2-on-1 11-14 at Diabolic. Was a part of the exodus to Red Light District where he was responsible for the series Outnumbered, Sport Fucking, Ass Obssessed and others. Currently directs for Jules Jordan Video after a short-lived relationship with Evil Angel.

Directors Su, Sal Genoa, Yani Z and Rob E. Digital kept the ship afloat in the interim and provided some good porn (Teenage Anal Princess, Lascivious Latinas) and the less said about the way-too-long Chico Wang era the better. At least someone eventually recognized the leak in the hull and moved to patch it up before it was too late. When one takes into account their past, it's easy to see that their new directors will have huge shoes to fill. They are:

Ivan: Well-known for his work at Tom Byron's now-defunct Evolution Erotica and his Dawn of the Head and Texas' Asshole Massacre movies, he has since directed A2M 11, Sweet Cheeks 8 and created Cream Plosions at Anabolic. He continues to do big things, going the extra mile and releasing Anabolic's first two-disc set for his Nice Rack 15.

Whitney Stevens, Natasha Nice & Ryaan Reynolds

Ricky D: In late May, Rick Lovin officially moved from Diabolic and jumped ship to the Anabolic side of the house. While over at Diabolic, Ass For Days and Hot Sauce demonstrated his love for big butts and spicy latinas, respectively but he also managed to churn out 2-on-1's 22-27 and Incumming 6-12 (Incumming 6 was his first movie). Sweet and Petite 3 was his first Anabolic release and I'm anxiously anticipating his take on Bring 'Um Young with the upcoming #25.

Veronique Vega, Sativa Rose & Lela Star

Tony T: Previously reviled for his seeming mental instability, asshole-ish intensity and rough play during scenes, a maturing Tony has since dialed his antics back a notch and is rapidly emerging as a solid, reliable talent. He was the perfect choice to create a Gag Factor-like blowjob series called I Wanna Get Face Fucked while simultaneously shooting Sweet Cheeks 6, Up Your Ass 27 and Balls Deep 8 & 12.

Porn ain't dead. It just lives in two new houses.

Saturday, August 04, 2007 

Jackin' Pop Swagger

Why, with the world getting smaller and smaller by the fuckin' minute due to rampant and exponential advances in technology, does the adult industry always seem to be so woefully behind times?

Any time there's a pseudo-scandalous event or popular mainstream movie, some feature company corporate suit will no doubt and almost cartoonishly get a dimming light bulb over his dome and think to himself, not to mention convincing others, that shooting a "porno" version of either will somehow be a brilliant idea.

Three to five years later.

Damn guys, is your paperboy 85-years old and delivering your morning paper that late on his motorized shopping cart? Look behind your computer. Does your internet connection consist of chicken wire and two Campbell's soup cans? While I'm almost certain there is considerably less turnaround time to shoot an adult movie, author a few thousand DVDs and have it on the street in a timely manner than it is to do the same thing for a big-budget Hollywood movie, obviously, the adult industry has never heard of or rather simply refuses to pay heed to the old chiche about striking while the iron is hot. The only thing they seem to do right is get rights to distribute the latest "leaked" celebrity sex tapes. Which generally stink (except for purely sentimental reasons, John Wayne Bobbitt UNCUT, which in addition to its simple yet clever title, gave me a heaping helping of Veronica Brazil and Jasmine Aloha at a time when they were two of my faves back in '94 and I was finally old enough to legally buy my own stroke material instead of ransacking my mom and dad's bedroom whenever they dared leave the house for more than three minutes).

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completey down on this type of shit in the biz. SPACE NUTS deserved all its various accumulated accolades and I'm a huge fan of the early Jenna Jameson features when she laying down the blueprint for how a contract girl should put in work and virtually WAS Wicked Pictures. But these days it seems as if there's not an original bone in anyone's body that is responsible for supplying adult "entertainment."

The DaVinci Load (which has already spawned a sequel despite Tinseltown not even producing one themselves yet), The Ozzporns, The Sopornos, Cheating Housewives, Desperate Housewhores, From Lust Till Dawn, Hustler's Britney (urgh) REARS franchise, Naked Aces (damn. It's so bad they're even mocking BAD movies now)...the list is never-ending.

Jordan Septo (who probably still proudly wears a faux-leather fanny pack and Skidz parachute pants for all I know) and his Venom Digital Media are leaping headlong into the high definition AND feature end of the pool simultaneously in another month and a half or so with a release entitled PARIS & NICOLE GO TO JAIL. Well, not only is the title about as creative as the last ERNEST movie but Paris is long out of jail (and take it from me, I'd be hard pressed to call what she served as "real" time) but I don't think there's one -- not even the absolute bestest, slimiest, wall-scaling, royalty-chasing/Princess Di-murdering kind -- paparazzi alive or dead who has spotted these two unabashed media and attention whoring socialties in the same state or under the same constellation together since 2003. These sheisty bitches admitted to not even liking each other when we thought they were friends. But I was willing to forgive Venom and give Septo a pass if there was any indication that this would at least offer something different or even remotely enterataining. But no dice.

Says Septo: Aubrey Addams (Nicole) and Sindee Jennings (Paris) "find that life is different on the inside, and at first have trouble adapting, but soon learn how to get things in prison by becoming friendly with the warden, the guards, the inmates, things of that nature."


So in other words, it's a typical jailhouse-set porno. One that sounds suspiciously like EVERY OTHER flick or scene I've seen set in the hoosegow. So not only is this shit more stale than the Chick-Fil-A waffle fries from two days ago rotting in the wastebin by my feet, it's also a crazy hackneyed idea and uninspired, to boot. Please. Someone stop me from wringing my hands in masturbatory anticipation.

I blame myself. It's my own fault and I know it. Maybe I expect too much, you know, looking for a porno parody to be smart for once, offer a few funny jokes, twists or any semblance of originality. That's giving the wrong type of people too much of the right kind of credit. I should know by now that all porn will ever do is find some teen who sort of looks like a celebrity X, dress her up a bit to look even more the part, slap the celebs name on the box, have the chick suck a few dicks, send out the press release and wait for the cash (hopefully) to roll in. Rinse, lather, repeat. If they're lucky, recycle. Who needs social commentary, even from a pornographer, about the absuridty of those two know-nothing, do-even-less airheads, Paris and Nicole, even being famous in the first place? Gettin' that C.R.E.A.M. is what's really important. Let's try to focus.

Something to ponder, though, before I bounce: Behind the Green Door, Deep Throat, Chameleons, Night Moves...what do all of these classics have in common? Hint: they didn't rely on current events, pop culture or Hollywood to spoon feed them a direction or an idea or point the way. Yet for some strange reason, in 2007, we still have "respected" directors like Vivid's Paul Thomas remaking DEBBIE DOES DALLAS flicks nearly thirty years after the original was first released.

Shit like this is exactly why the "relax, it's just porn" set will never get the respect any other talentless two-bit entertainer or semi-celeb (ironically, just like the ones they want to parody here) gets. Because they don't take themselves even half as seriously and in actuality are more than equal. Instead, the cameras keep rolling, the brains get put away and the fans continue to be force fed every lame idea (NAPPY-HEADED HOES???) the brain trusts in Porn Valley churn out.

And they wouldn't have it any other way.