Friday, July 03, 2009 

The Mid-Year Top Ten

I haven't done this since 2005.

10. Jayden Jaymes (Monster Curves 3, Pornstars Like It Big 5)

If there’s one thing that can be said about me, it’s that I have an irresistible and uncontrollable attraction to the wrong women. And make no mistake, Jayden Jaymes is THE wrong woman. Any pornstar cliché you can think of, Jayden wears it well and it likely fits her as snug as a pair of Kanye West’s skinny jeans. However, this vapid, materialistic and self-important drama queen has the goods onscreen and really, that’s all that matters. With her photogenic face and prototypical pornstar body, she correctly came to the conclusion that she is entitled to be porno royalty and she’s not only eager but ready, willing and able to wear the crown.

9. Asa Akira (FornicAsian, Too Small To Take It All)

So perfect it appears specially handcrafted by the good Lord himself, it seems almost sacrilegious to put Asa’s mischievous mega-watt smile and equally glowing personality ahead of her fantastic body when it comes to naming all the things I love about her. The only thing keeping Asa from breaking into the top five is that most find her sexually unadventurous (read: no anal, no IR). She’s constantly and consistently on her game but it’s her game’s limitations that currently frustrate even her most loyal followers. It looks like we may have another graduate of the Nautica Thorn School of Fucking on Film.

8. Julia Ann (Busty Housewives 2, MILF Next Door 4)

After spending nearly the entirety of her career as a contract girl at Wicked Pictures where anal and interracial sex materialized about as often as heterosexual American Idol winners, a newly-invigorated and contract-free Julia Ann re-emerged this year and this incarnation seems as down to fuck a guy who sleeps on a park bench covered in newspapers as she was to screw Brad Armstrong and Randy Spears in five features a year. I, for one, welcome the sudden change in direction. Until now, watching a Julia Ann scene was always akin to the lingering frustration and regret of not really fucking your first girlfriend as good as you think you should have.

7. Priya Rai (Big Wet Tits 8, Filth Cums First 4)

After a less than stellar start and my predictions of an early porno “death” for her, Rai eventually settled in and shattered every single one of my expectations of her and finds herself in this placement on my personal mid-year list. Somewhere along the way, her eyes got opened and her performances underwent a complete 360. It was like witnessing the Red Sea part, looking down and seeing the sand was made of gold, brown sugar, bacon and all red gummy bears. These days, even if some fans find it annoying, Priya lets it ALL hang out on camera and has added squirting to her repertoire which keeps her constantly booked and calling her own shots on shoots.

6. Isis Taylor (Black Assassin 5, Every Last Drop 9)

You’ve got to like the buzz currently surrounding this Peruvian/Scottish/Israeli newbie. I get more emails commenting or asking about Isis than I got condolences when my grandfather passed away. Without doing a single thing, Taylor’s so hot I feel like I should slather my skin in sun block before watching her fuck. I almost wish she would STOP working because my cock and right hand both need a breather. If it’s not too early to start mentioning it, she has to undoubtedly be leading the pack of girls most likely to be robbed of a Best New Starlet nomination in January. For right now, pencil her in.

5. Mason Moore (Rack It Up 3, Sweet Cheeks 11)

Right now, Mason Moore versus nearly any male performer will turn out an affair as lopsided as Bobby Brown’s hair during the “Every Little Step” days. Mason is a dominator who either leaves her male co-stars so impressed that they offer her THEIR phone numbers when the cameras stop rolling or running down to their local courthouse to file “hit and run” charges against her after they regain consciousness.

4. Charley Chase (Deep in Latin Cheeks 3, Juicy Latin Coochie 2)

She blows guys like she’s got a severe protein deficiency, has perhaps porn’s most telegenic tits and though her androgynous name might lead you to believe she’s part of the male cast, believe me when I say Charley Chase is ALL woman, proving it more and more with each passing performance. Were I a director that had to shoot her, I’d make sure I covered my entire set in plastic beforehand: to catch all the assorted fluids that inevitably fly whenever she does her thing and to more easily dispose of her partner’s body when everything is said and done.

3. Angelina Valentine (Head Master 3, Throated 17)

Adult’s deepest throat just might be the sexiest and most voracious tattooed brunette performer to EVER grace our screens not named Katrina Kraven. Mind you, Valentine is in possession of just as many performance limitations as talent I criticized earlier but my dad always told me, ”you don’t step over a dollar to pick up a nickel” and Angelina is a fuckin’ C-note. She doesn’t do much but what she does do, she does so well it makes her peers resemble so much loose change.

2. Ava Rose (Apple Bottomz 6, Battle of the Asses)

One of porn’s oldest yet constantly recurring stories is that of the contract girl released back out into the gonzo wild, unfettered, unshackled, rejuvenated and suddenly putting on the sorts of performances that wins her legions of new fans and makes her old admirers fans all over again. Finally free of Adam & Eve and dragging so much junk in her trunk these days that her ass is literally taking up entire box covers, Rose is red-hot and her resurgence might have even possibly been the impetus that convinced baby sis, Mia, to come out of “retirement” to join her. The Roses have played a pivotal role in restoring balance to the Force.

1. Kristina Rose (Pornstar Workout, Teenage Spermaholics 6)

Sometimes a performer’s ascent seems almost predestined...preordained, as if arranged by a higher power. I still remember meeting and getting to hang out with Kristina Rose before she was KRISTINA ROSE and I saw her potential firsthand immediately. Once she was actually out of the gate, a constant stream of Rose-related fanboy hyperbole made me back off of her a bit; with the slim pickings currently strewn about the current adult landscape it felt more like fans needed someone, anyone to latch onto and MAKE the next “one.” But certain facts cannot be denied. Kristina is a “throwback” of sorts to “real” pornstars and is perhaps porn’s current most solid all-around performer. Regardless of the reasons, this “Dirty Girl” is the queen until further notice.