Saturday, July 28, 2007 


Gonzo "it" girl BREE OLSON's recent signing to Adam & Eve has gotten a lot of people (at least those who bother to pay attention to such "news") talking.

Sadly and predictably, it's the same type of gum-flapping that takes place whenever such an incident occurs. Every masturbating miscreant that ever, in their most private moments, sat alone in his grandparents' basement and blew a "goodnight" load into those striped socks with the toes in'em that their great aunt was nice enough to mail them with that check for twenty-three dollars on their birthday, watching that innocent-looking yet simultaneously insufferable and insatiable blonde ingenue take a thick and veiny pork sticker in her distended poop chute knows in their heart of hearts, despite their best intentions, the eventual fate of their favorite fantasy.

Even though long-time fans have lived through this scenario time and time again, dating back to the very first contract girl, it amazes me that there's still a sect that continues to hold out hope that "this time'll be different." Both the contracted star and the signing company play into offering loyal consumers this fools' gold. "We love Bree's dirty side. That's one of the main reasons we went after her! She'll bring a new edge to our productions...we definitely don't want to tame her!" read the press release heralding the announcement. How many times are we expected to swallow such obviously empty promises? Whether it's A&E's "style" that ends up becoming the cause or our own precious Bree turning into yet another way-too-comfortable, complacent, spoiled and lazy "star", she will not remain the same nor will she change for the better. Bet your crusty jerk socks on it.

Still, fans foolishly wish against all semblance of what normal people would call logic that a company whose sole purpose is to produce the very tame and vanilla, nearly softcore couples fare that most of us openly abhor is suddenly going to change its mission statement and start shooting bukkakes, double anals and interracial gangbangs because they acquired the exceptional and one-of-a-kind services of the current flavor of the month. If that had even a remote chance of happening then why weren't Vivid and Wicked ever knocking down the doors of Sandra Romain (who's retiring) or Audrey Hollander (who had to start a company with her husband to work as much as she does)? Here's a clue fan boys: your current favorite couldn't give a fuck about you. The corporate machine, to no one's surprise, cares even less.

In fact, I'd wager the only time a performer sincerely does care what a fan has to say or thinks is when it serves to bolster their rapidly growing ego.

Keep in mind, you're talking about a girl who is actually in the business, not an outside observer. But even if she were a simple fan, a young girl in this wacky biz, just like you still has the good sense to know what a life under contract would more than likely entail. She's seen Jenna Jameson and maybe even Tera Patrick on television once or twice. It's been said before but a contract only serves the chick who signs it. If they truly wanted to keep doing what makes their fans happy, they wouldn't sign a contract in the first place since they know it would effectively put an end to all those nasty things they supposedly love to do and tell us with a straight face fills that little hole in their hearts that's been empty ever since they ran away from home, their ex-boyfriend fucked them over or their dad walked out on mom so many years ago. But the truth is, I'd imagine a girl breathes a long and exasperated sigh of hard-earned belief when she signs her name on the line that is dotted. Finally, they can leave all that dirty gonzo work behind. They want to arrive at signings in the company limo, wear the glamorous gowns, take pretty pictures, sit in the fancy booth for a change in Vegas and have a line of horny twenty-somethings out the door waiting impatiently just to say they saw her. Going into wardrobe, getting dressed up and memorizing lines like a "real" actress sure as hell beats going to the same house every few weeks to have twenty different unattractive mopes jerk off over your face while you force a smile and pretend to be genuinely happy. Tommy Gunn and Jean Val Jean aren't exactly George Clooney and Brad Pitt but they'll do.

A young lady would be a fool to not work less, make more contractually guaranteed money and receive a shot at that ever-elusive crossover, mainstream popularity. Girls who have been on both sides of a contract will debate the first two. But the third, while having a legitimate possibity of happening, won't happen with Adam & Eve. Who has A&E ever "made"? Take a hard look at their roster and it might just open your eyes. Carmen Luvana who is a stunning girl and remains somewhat popular amongst fans of features, for all intents and purposes, has been the face of the company for years now and is hardly a household name. Mari Possa's fifteen minutes of notoriety was a product of her being a regular on Showtime's "Family Business" with significant other, Seymour Butts; A&E just wisely hitched their trailer to that wagon after the fact.

Ava Rose, a gorgeous brunette from Alaska, entered the business with her younger sister in tow and by a great many, was seen as the superior sibling in the performance department. But all it took was hooking up with Adam & Eve to change public perception. Under contract for a little over a year now, Ava is now persona non grata on the lips of her former fans and has switched places with lil sis Mia Rose in their hearts. Without question, she received more love from the people who watch and buy her movies when she was a freelance fuckette. Say hello to Lanny Barbie and Katsumi in obscurity for me.

Adam & Eve have given me no cause for joy or celebration and no reason to make me believe they'll suddenly reinvent the wheel with the acquisition of Bree Olson.

So some big bad adult entertainment corporation locked down your darling and you're wondering how to deal? Move on. A new one will have your rapt and undivided attention in week's time or less anyway. Your former girl will be fine, trust me. In the meantime, here's what you can do: go and find all your DVDs with Bree Olson and stack them up next to all the movies that feature your hot co-worker or that chick you always see at the mall but never have the balls to talk to. I bet that Bree pile is a LOT taller. So be happy she did even ONE movie at all, stop pining for her, mourning her like she's dead instead of simply having a new, single employer and enjoy what she's left behind. Then get up, get out and start working on making that other stack reach as high or higher than Bree's. Take my word for it, you'll be over Ms. Olson in no time.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007 

Big Things Poppin' in, Bladensburg

Upon seeing the crowd for myself and in person, all doubts I had in my mind about 7-11 perhaps not making their money back on this Simpsons tie-in/marketing scheme were quickly put to rest.

In case you hadn't heard, a few 7-11 stores across the nation dug into their own pockets and converted themselves (until the 30th of this month) into formerly-fictional Kwik-E-Marts in an effort to help promote and drum up interest (all while making a KILLING if what I saw today is any indication) in The Simpsons Movie (official site), dropping on July 27th. The Simpsons have been around since 1989 (I was 13 years old), possibly a bit longer than most people reading this blog have even been alive. They are, without a doubt, an American institution and I would consider it a tad un-American if there was a soul out there who didn't have at least a passing interest in their big screen, feature-length debut after waiting 18 years for this moment to finally arrive.

So the minute I heard there was one such Kwik-E-Mart about 28 miles from me (in Bladensburg, MD - why on Earth they chose this place, I'll never know. A truly disgusting little ghetto of a town but I guess it's better to have it here than to risk a bunch of traffic congestion and whatever else by putting it in the heart of D.C.), I had to make the pilgrimage. Odd that "mecca" would be a 7-11 of all places.

I pulled up and was immediately greeted by COMIC BOOK GUY reading (surprise!) a comic and holding some nachos. The sign next to him reads "5 Minute Parking." Of course, violators will be towed at their own expense.

Oddly enough, the first thing I saw when I walked inside was the youngest member of the Simpson clan, MAGGIE crawling across the frozen foods. The freezer is located all the way in the back of the store but her head is so huge, it catches your eye immediately. God forbid she loses her balance and that thing falls on someone.

When I got myself situated and refocused I found myself standing in front of a huge display of KRUSTY-O'S which were limited to 2 boxes per customer and going for the oh-so-modest price of $3.99. I instictively picked up a box and continued my journey...

I turn to my right and there he stands in all his plastic and shiny glory, Kwik-E-Mart proprietor APU stationed near the magazine rack and standing next to an empty folding/director's chair. The sign behind him politely reminds customers "This Is Not a Library." It was at this point that an actual Indian lady put her child in the chair and handed me her disposable camera to take a picture of them together. I happily obliged. Far be it from me to disappoint or keep a family apart by not snapping them with a relative.

I "buzzed" by the BUZZ COLA display (which, as you can see, doesn't actually have a BUZZ COLA dispenser...I think they may have been selling it in cans, though) in search of the Holy Grail...

NOT the Holy Grail but instead Grandpa Simpson's retirement home cohort, JASPER literally "chilling" in the freezer.

Don't think I didn't knock those little rugrats there down to get my SQUISHEE on. I got whatever those two flavors on the far left something and red something. I don't remember. It was blue and red! I'm black. That's all I needed to know.

On my way to the counter to pay for my merch, some redneck patron voluntarily told me that usually they actually sell a HOMER donut but that they're always sold out. Hence none being pictured. I wish I had, however, taken a picture of that hick's truly disappointed face.

As I inched closer to the register (which had four clerks on duty, it was CRAZY busy! I've never been in a 7-11 that had more than two people working), I happened upon a super SPECIAL DEAL: 3 For the Price of 3!!!

Me, my Krusty-O's, a Squishee and notorious numbskull HOMER SIMPSON enjoying a few hot dogs. I was NOT sitting in that chair but the girl who took the picture for me was more than happy to give me her number after I handed her my iPhone to snap the pic. YES -- iPussy!

The Goods back at the pad. I don't know if I'll ever even eat that damn cereal but that Squishee container is already empty - it was hot and it's a long ride to my brother's house. The side of the box reads: "Krusty's Nutrition Guarantee: I guarantee I was paid to say this stuff is nutritious!" Not encouraging in the slightest...

Find a Kwik-E-Mart in your area.