Wednesday, July 19, 2006 

What if Pornstars Were Drafted?

What if the adult entertainment industry were like professional sports? Had there been a draft in 2003 (the best class of new starlets EVER) how would it have gone down?

I have attempted to predict what may have transpired but with the benefit of meticulous and methodical research and the good fortune of seeing the vast majority of each performer's work over the ensuing three years. Every lady's resume is frankly outstanding -- I would have expected no less from this crop -- and amazingly, every one of them remains at least semi-active and relevant now at a point in their careers where most girls in their whore heels would have called it quits or their acts grown stale. I based my picks on:

Quality of Performance/Sexual Ability - Did they display a willingness to push the envelope, themselves and/or their partners in an effort to make themselves, their partner and/or the scene better? Was there anything sexually they were especially good at and/or known for? Did they innovate anything new sexually?

Activity/Longevity - How often did they work? Are they still at it and going just as strong or did they hang it up after only a short while?

Looks - Physical attractiveness from head to toe.

Diversity - The variety of work they've done and/or different acts they branched out to perform.

Impact/Influence - Have they changed the business and/or affected stars of the present and/or future in any significant or major way?

What follows are the ladies who would've been my personal Top 10 picks in an '03 draft scenario.


The Picks:

1. Ariana Jollee

Then: This phenomenal new talent from New York with a soft natural body and two great handfuls for tits quicky made a name for herself with her infectious smile, terrific attitude and insatiable appetite for sex. She worked like a pro right out of the gate. AVN magazine said, "You can always tell in porn when a girl is fucking because she loves it or when she's merely picking up a paycheck. Right from her start in the spring of 2003, it was clear that Ariana Jollee loved it - every stroke, every cumdrop. The petite, small-breasted brunette is a committed and electrifying performer. There's something of the waif about her and something of the demon." Adam Film World called her a "turbo-charged ultra cunt" who "does all her porn positions with true magnificence." and "a super-duper sperm scooper with an always-open pooper."

Now: A little less active nowadays, she's since moved on to directing but not before adding squirting to her repertoire. She went on to become XRCO's '04 and '05 Superslut of the Year.

Standout Scenes: 50 Guy Cream Pie (so many guys show up to fuck her they have to rename the movie 65 Guy Cream Pie and Ariana fucks them all anyway), Un-Natural Sex 11 (an uncharacteristically hot double anal with Jay Ashley and Tony T, not the two guys you want to toss a brand new girl to. But Ariana doesn't sweat it. She says, "Two guys in my ass...I am so fuckin' lucky!"), and The Gangbang Girl 35 (Anabolic revives a series that had been dead for a year to help Ariana celebrate her 21st birthday by fucking twenty-one guys). She made me a believer in Ass Cleavage 3 and I won't soon forget the way she made David Luger tremble and howl at the start of Swallow My Pride 3 from a mere blowjob.

2. Katja Kassin

Then: Katja's very first scene was Straight to the A #4...where she did double-anal. A native of the former East German city of Leipzig, Katja took everyone by surprise by allowing her superior posterior to be constantly cornholed and showing fans that there is room in porn for women with bodacious backsides. ADT poster BSD said it better than I could ever hope to:

"The unprecedented phenomenon that is Katja Kassin.

"Nothing can stop an idea whose time has come." (With apologies to Victor Hugo).

When beauty, talent and ambition, meet up with opportunity, at the exact right moment and place, you get Katja Kassin . Within two years after her initial appearance in American porn, Katja was arguably the most popular porn girl in the world, not named J.J. She was enthusiastic, she was hard working, she had a sparkling personality, AND SHE DIDN'T LOOK ANYTHING LIKE the leading porn ladies of the time, or that had gone before her. She was European. She was short. She was thick. She had smallish breasts. And God knows she had a big butt. All the things that had worked against mainstream porn success for a girl before, were now embodied in the biggest star in gonzo porn.

And the big butt fanatics went wild. And that really opened the door and made it possible for women of all shapes and sizes to have a viable career in gonzo porn."

Now: Still going strong and an easy choice for boxcovers still. She only seems to get better and better looking with time. Adam Film World Guide named her their Female Performer of the Year in '03 and AVN finally gave her her due when she won Best Solo Sex Scene in '05 for Jonnni Darkko's Anal Showdown. AFWG describes her as a "breathtaking, hot-bottomed, redheaded German with a deliciously voluptuous baby-fat-coated body" and a "bottomless pit of lust; a back-door bandit who gets a kick/jolt/lift from ass-to-mouth sessions. The perfect whore and slut of all sluts."

Standout Scenes: This is a chore when someone is so consistently entertaining. Try Big Wet Asses 1, Slayer Unleashed 3 and Bet Your Ass 1.

3. Lauren Phoenix

Then: This native Canadian caught viewers' eyes with a model-gorgeous face, hellaciously uninhibited performances and an ass you couldn't ignore...all on a 5 foot and 10 inch frame. AFWG noted that she seemed to "live for rough sex, anal and DPs." They went on to describe her thusly: "Lauren is a sweet-faced gal, a cutie with smallish all-around looker with an awesomely thin waist and a great, big, marvelously yummy bubble butt" and "is an ever-consistent joy to behold in action...with an awards-winning bumper." I remember getting my first look at her in Double Dip'er 2: "...she’s the picture of wholesome innocence but don’t let that leggy frame and adorable face fool you -- this girl is LOCO."

Now: Not quite as active as she once was, Lauren started a talent agency that didn't last very long and tried her hand at directing as well. Adam Film World Guide and XRCO named her their Best New Starlet and she was nominated for that same honor at that year's AVN awards. She took home XRCO's Orgasmic Analist award in '03 and was named XRCO Female Perfomer of the Year in '04. Lauren Phoenix finally took home the big one in 2005 when she won AVN's Female Performer of the Year.

Standout Scenes: Internal Cumbustion 2 (takes on Ben English and Manuel Ferrara in a threeway she readily admits left her immobile for a few days afterwards), Buttwoman iz Lauren Phoenix (christened with the honor of becoming Elegant Angel's new Buttwoman and is in every scorching scene) and Ass Worship 5 (worth seeing just to see her work alongside another fantastic piece of ass, April Flowers, under Jules Jordan's direction).

4. Missy Monroe

Then: I used to describe Missy to my friends as the girl with the "girl next door" face but the "trailer park" body. It wasn't meant as an insult. AFWG called her "a cutie with a soft, curvy, voluptuous bod." I guess I could've said the same thing but I liked my euphamism better. She had the frame of a chick you'd definitely fuck and definitely wanted to fuck, it just wasn't hampered by any time spent in the gym -- it looked like a naturally good ol' time. From Vegas, Missy made everyone stand up and take notice with those floppy tits of hers, genuinely horny performances and by squirting all over the place when she got REALLY turned on.

Now: Like Katja, Missy's only gotten better. Unlike the three ladies above her, Missy's output hasn't slowed an iota and she's still sought after, perhaps due to her knack for constantly reinventing herself and changing her look. She's the winner of XRCO's '05 Best Group Sex Scene for Baker's Dozen 2 while being nominated for everything from Best New Starlet, Female Performer of the Year and Best Group Sex Scene from AVN to Teen Cream Dream from XRCO in '05.

Standout Scenes: Hands down, you must see her scene with Tiana Lynn, Erik Everhard and John Strong in Mike John's Semen Sippers 3. In Barely Legal Corrupted 1 she takes on Brett Rockman, Brian Surewood and Mark Wood and is double-teamed by Alex Sanders and Sascha as a hot blonde in ATM City 2 and then as a brunette in Jam It All The Way Up My Ass 2.

5. Gia Paloma

Then: Blessed with a frame very similar to Missy Monroe's, Gia was a brunette with mouth-watering natural tits and a big wide jelloey ass. She had a sexy mouth custom made for cock insertion, sexy bedroom eyes and an absolutely voracious appetite for hardcore sex that saw her holes pummelled viciously on a regular basis. At one time she was thick enough to be cast in a few "chunky" flicks but she always displayed the same verve and natural aplomb for being mercilessly and savagely dicked down in any and all positions. AFWG said "this voluptuous fuck pig loves getting her hair yanked, as well as being spit upon, choked and having her big, fair-skinned ass cheeks smacked to a fire-engine red." I recently described her as having a "big 1000-watt smile and wide-eyed, child-like enthusiasm" in every single one of her performances.

Now: While her distinct facial features are rather unmistakable, Gia's currently a far cry physically from the way she entered the business. Blonde now with enhanced tits and a hard body, Gia dubbed herself "The Animal" while she was briefly exclusive to Rob Black's new Extreme 2.0. Still sweet as can be but forever a rock star, Paloma shocked everyone when she OD'd at AEE '05 and returned THE NEXT DAY to sign autographs and accept an AVN Award (Best All-Girl Sex Scene for "The Violation of Audrey Hollander") that same night.

Standout Scenes: I'm a huge fan of her Big Wet Asses 1 scene and this is where I liked her body the most. She's blonde (but still natural) and her ass was goddamned magnificent in Ass Appeal 2. Oddly enough, I've probably launched the most loads during her performance as Rebecca Bardoux's daughter in Don't Tell Mommy 4 with Johnny Thrust. It's so unabashedly, unashamedly and deliciously trashy, it's great. What can I say? I like milfs and Paloma was the perfect slutty daughter. Watching those two double team and twist their tongues together around a hard cock was hot as hell.

6. Katrina Kraven

Then: Katrina Kraven was honest to God my main reason for even going to AEE '04. After seeing a plethora of stills, Double Dip'Er 2, From Her Ass to Her Mouth and Riot Sluts this was one woman I had to meet in person. She signed for Evolution Erotica and in stark contrast to her wild and reckless onscreen persona, Katrina was very bashful and quiet in person. She couldn't even believe she had fans. I was so caught up in meeting her the first time that I didn't even bother to get a picture with her; I had to sheepishly come back the NEXT day for that. I reminisced: "The nicest, sweetest and genuine girl you’ll ever meet with the rare ability, apparently, to go from zero to cum-starved erection-inducer in no time flat." AVN called Katrina "A charter member of a new crop (Lauren Phoenix, Ariana Jollee, etc.) of fearless, jaw-droppingly wanton super-whores who have expanded the boundaries (as well as their orifices) of what female talent will do, Kraven has made [audiences] stand up and take notice in just about everything she's done." and "other releases she's appeared in will almost certainly result in Kraven being nominated later this year for either Best New Starlet or Female Performer of the Year."

Now: Try both. Kraven was nominated for Best New Starlet AND Female Performer of the Year at the '05 Awards. The woman that AFWG described as an "all-around tramp who does anything" has slowed considerably, almost dropping out of sight completely. The only thing I'm aware of her shooting this year was DVSX's Sick Boys Need Sick Girls 2 and that was a four-girl lesbian scene. But at her height there was no one who gave you more than Katrina Kraven. A self-described sexaholic, she clearly enjoyed every load she took the face, every cock that came into her circumference. She had so many things that were unique to her: the coy biting of her bottom lip, her smile, her orgasm face and various random things she did that made me think she was channelling the late Anna Malle. I miss her.

Standout Scenes: You'll be hard pressed to top that Riot Sluts scene with Erik Everhard. He tore that girl apart and it hurt her so good. She and Mason are kindred spirits, it seems as Katrina had another of her best scenes with Manuel Ferrara and Denis Marti in Mason's Sexual Disorder. She's had some classic interaction with her '03 classmates, as well: Big Wet Asses 4 with Lauren Phoenix and Anal Showdown (with Tony T in the former, g/g in the latter) and The NarcASSist with Jackie Moore and Benjamin Bratt directed by Ariana Jollee.

7. Dana Vespoli

Then: My first look at Vespoli came in Tight & Asian 3. Besides being impressed with how well-spoken Dana was (she has a degree in comparative lit) in addition to her worldliness and poise, I noted her her "34A titties, bronzed complexion and expansive backside. Of Thai and Irish decent, Dana is so bottom-heavy...there was one shot of her in cowgirl where her ass literally took up three-fourths of my screen." Jon Dough and Brian Surewood couldn't handle this sexy and full-grown woman; they both came early and the pussy was so good they dove back in for seconds. I had no idea this lady was 30 back then. After doing her first onscreen anal with Erik Everhard and Lily Thai in From Her Ass To Her Mouth, Dana REALLY opened up, "starring in progressively more awesome, rough-sex oriented scenes." Vespoli took to more and more frequent anal poundings in that stupendous back bumper, becoming an anal queen of sorts and was soon known for her exorcism-like orgasms where her eyes rolled back into her skull and she rabidly licked her own armpits. Just as she hit her stride and seemingly peaked in her onscreen sexual self-discovery, she married fellow performer Manuel Ferrara and bid the porn world adieu.

Now: The honeymoon, as it were, is now over and Dana is back. While she was never top-heavy, she's returned a bit leaner with a few more tattoos but the performances remain the same. She also recently directed Cock Starved for Digital Sin. AFWG calls her "an exotic sultry beauty" and "amazingly energetic."

Standout Scenes: Azz Fest 3 with Brian Surewood and Brett Rockman. She's plenty woman for one man but Dana, in my opinion, always excelled when faced with two. 2 on 1 #17 with Joel Lawrence and Mark Davis, Sweet Cheeks 5 with John Strong and Steve Holmes and never has her womanhood factored in as such an efficient tool than in her scene with a fresh and dewy Kayla Marie as they take on Sean Michaels in Service Animals 16 and then in a similar situation with Kimberly Kane and Julian in Fresh New Faces 4.

8. Roxy Jezel

Then: I remember not knowing what to make of Roxy Jezel when I first saw her. By her looks, she was definitely asian but when she spoke, a decidedly British accent emerged. I was intrigued. All-natural with a slight build AFWG says Roxy "fucks as prolifically and maniacally as a bunny on a steady diet of Spanish fly." This cocky and bawdy bird with the fiercely feline features showed me everything she had in David Aaron Clark's Banana Cream Pie 2, leaving Brett Rockman, Brian Heston and Brian Surewood a sweaty crumpled mass of men gasping for air at the scene's conclusion. I have since described her as being a hummingbird and a Duracell battery who has never lacked for energy and in a performance class all her own.

Now: Still at it and still full-speed ahead. There hasn't been as much of her work released at this mid-year point as there has been in past years but what I have been seeing is still the same old Roxy Jezel: giving 150% every minute that red light is on.

Standout Scenes: Weapons of Ass Destruction 3 (Jezel has Jayno Oso on a leash and then shares Michael Stefano with her), Tales from the Crack (she and fellow cowgirl Tiffany Mynx rustle up Brandon Iron), Asian Bang (she interviews for a secretary position with Brian Surewood but after he fucks her ragged, he calls in Jack Venice, Steven French and Buster Good to help him finish the job).

9. Kami Andrews

Then: Butt Quest 3. That was my introduction. And if you've seen the cover to that joint, you know that's about as perfect a first impression as one can make. Kami's another chick who hit the ground running, opening herself up for any and everything from her very first scene. Full of personality and rapier-like wit, Kami's just a plain blast. Her tendency to say the absolute WEIRDEST shit EVER during her scenes has endeared her to me. That and the fact that she actually pulled me out of a line in Vegas when she spotted/recognized me, which scared/surprised the ever-loving shit outta me at the time. Ever since then, I've wanted to visit Kamiland on a regular basis.

Now: After a short-lived stint as "Salome" at Extreme, the proud Pittsburgh resident landed at Elegant Angel where she has directed and starred in two installments of Who Let The Whores Out? and appeared looking better than EVER in their Big Wet Asses 8.

Standout Scenes: It's gotta be Riot Sluts with Brandon Iron. "She and Brandon Iron managed to make that scene so rough, so sexy, so real, I was actually FRIGHTENED. When it ended and Brandon shoved her in the trunk, I actually ran to all my windows and then peeked out of my peephole to see if anyone had seen me watch it. That's how DIRTY, how wrong, how guilty I felt after it was over; like I should have been ARRESTED for watching and enjoying it so much." Other than that (and lucky for moi) Kami seems to excel at taking big black cocks. Slayer Unleashed 3, Big Black Beast and Take It Black 3 all demonstrate my point perfectly.

10. Cytherea

Then: "As far as adult industry sensations go, precious are the few who've created as immediate and earth shattering a stir as Cytherea, the 22-year-old enchantress whose signature talent - her propensity for expelling fluid like the fountains of the Bellagio when she climaxes- simply floors all who witness it." - AVN.

And therein lied her appeal. Cytherea's squirting orgasms, then, were so unique and world-rocking (for her and anyone watching) that you simply had to see it again and again and I imagine many a fan did. Over and over, we watched her lithe barely-legal body shake, quiver and convulse as endless streams of "female ejaculate" sprayed forth from her dripping snatch and she took several moments to collect herself after each explosion. She was an unstoppable force and I can't think of many starlets more popular or sought after during this time. She literally opened the floodgates for other "squirters" in the industry. Now squirting is a high-profile fetish and practically it's own genre. There were plenty of squirters before her but thank Cytherea, the Goddess of Gush, for the unbelievable popularity the phenomenon currently enjoys. How real is squirting? I don't know but I know many a talent, Cytherea included, who do it now but didn't when they first started performing.

Now: Since Cytherea snatched Best New Starlet away from odds-on favorite Teagan at the '05 AVN Awards much like Marcia Gay Harden in Pollock took it away from the all-but-crowned Kate Hudson in Almost Famous at the Oscars, I honestly don't know WHERE this woman is. She's fallen off the face of the earth. The rumor mill has her battling drug problems amongst other things and after seeing her in Pulse's Cytherea's Anal Whores in her first anal scene (which NO ONE made a big deal about) I'm apt to believe the water cooler scuttlebutt. She was NOT looking her best in that offering; jaw clenched tight, slurred speech and teeth grinding a mile a minute, it wasn't a flattering sight. A far cry from the woman who "usually winds up obliterating cameras, sofas and walls with such unruly cunt spurtings."

Standout Scenes: Anything from her three Squirtwoman movies or Swallow My Squirt 2 (with Tiana Lynn and Randy Spears) for Elegant Angel; Patrick Collins and his cadre of demented directors really did provide a perfect platform for Cytherea to shine once they realized there was money to be made. Director Chris Streams has been instrumental in capturing some of Cy's best work in Belladonna's Evil Pink, Zero Tolerance's Internal Cumbustion 3 and 3rd Degree's What Gets You Off.

Tuesday, July 04, 2006 

The Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame...

In my early days of watching porn, it was nearly an almost universally accepted fact that Janine Lindemulder was probably the most beautiful woman to ever enter the adult ranks (or ever would). We all know the history: the former Penthouse Pet enjoyed a level of popularity that rivaled, if not at times exceeded, that of Jenna Jameson's in the early '90s. I fondly recall her being with Vivid in their heyday and seeing her alongside all the girls of my wet dreams: Jenteal, Nikki Tyler, Chasey Lain, Asia Carrera, Kobe Tai, Raylene, Taylor Hayes and the like and her teaming with Julia Ann to form the legendary exotic dancing/performing duo of Blondage. Back then it was all about contracts, pretty girls and where the boys weren't. Janine "retired" in 1999 much to her loyal fans' chagrin but re-emerged in 2004, with both arms now covered in a sleeve of tattoos, finding times had most definitely changed and that it's true when they say you can't go home again.

In order to even register a blip on our collective radar, Janine would have to rescind the one constraint on her onscreen career that had practically gone hand-in-hand with her name since day one: Janine stopped being g/g-only and decided to do guys. "Monumental" would be one word used to describe the event. Overdue. Too little, too late. Eagerly anticipated. Whatever it happened to be for you, it at least had people talking. But the question remains, why? After enjoying so many years of girl/girl-only action, why suddenly decide to un-retire, come back and finally do what many male fans had practically BEGGED for her entire career? Was it to spite her ex-husband? No one but Janine knows for sure, though she has offered explanations in interviews.

Her words: "At the time I was coming back into the industry and I knew that I was bored…No, bored is a bad word, there is nothing boring about having sex with gorgeous women. I knew that I wanted something more though. The whole time that I was working with women only I would take a peek at a boy/girl scene and think "damn that looks like fun." This time around I was ready for something different. I am at a different point in my life and the thought of boy/girl agreed with me. I knew that the majority of the people watching my movies wanted something else and it was due time. I didn't feel like I had to, it just felt right, like something I could do with all my heart."

Here are

The Top Five Reasons You Can't Blame...

Janine for Returning from "Retirement" to do Boy/Girl Scenes.

Sexual Fulfillment from better male talent. Vince Neil. Riki Rachtman. Jesse James. Come on. No way do these guys compare with Manuel Ferrara, Julian, Erik Everhard, Mr. Marcus, Sean Michaels or Mandingo in the sack. If Janine had an itch in her ditch after a messy failed relationship, coming back to tussle with the big dogs of the current porno landscape was the best way for her to scratch it.

Hotter Girl/Girl Opportunities. In the early ninties, Janine had the opportunity to work with some legit living legends: Jeanna Fine, Dyanna Lauren, Amber Lynn, Christy Canyon, Heather Hunter and others. And not to take anything away from any of these women but I think it's safe to say that while the performers of today sometimes lack when it comes to actually performing, no one can deny that the girls that choose to go into porn today are exponentially hotter and on the whole, better looking. Hey, it happens. Times have changed and people are able to take better care of themselves if they choose, it's not a knock on the ladies of yesteryear. If I had the chance to work with Angel Dark, Monica Sweetheart, Liliane Tiger, Sharka Blue, Rita Faltoyano, Paola Rey, Tory Lane, etc. I'd consider coming out of retirement, too. And Janine certainly made the most of her most recent g/g forays. See her with Haley Paige in The Villa or with Jesse Jane in Pirates for proof.

Unfinished Business. As comedia Dane Cook has noted, we all want to leave behind a legacy, something that we will all be remembered for FOREVER. Janine will be remembered. That much goes without saying. She is a Hall of Famer. She's stunning and she single-handedly changed the game in ways no one before her ever did (that's a sign of greatness -- doing things that no one before you has ever done and everything coming after you bearing your mark) not just because of her strict adherence to her g/g policy but also by forming the only exotic dancing tandem THE WORLD knows by name. But one has to wonder if part of her short-lived b/g return wasn't so that the caveat that she was strictly g/g her entire career wouldn't be brought up as a negative every time she was mentioned. Is it enough to be one of the most popular and well-known stars of all-time if people always end their discussions about you with "...but."?

Validation. This somewhat ties into the previous reason but doing b/g gave Janine an opportunity to cement her status once and for all as one of the best who ever did it. But before she came back, I'm sure there had to be questions. She had to see it as a personal challenge. This wasn't her bedroom. Manuel Ferrara isn't Riki Rachtman. There had to have been doubt. Can she do it at all? Can she do it successfully? Can she, at 36, still compete with the dewy and fresh-faced 18-years young things getting off the bus and overcrowding the barely legal market? Hell, can she even compete with fellow Vivid girl Savanna Samson? I think these were all questions that had to be asked and Janine stepped up to the plate to attempt to give us our answer: a resounding "yes."

Money. As I stated before, Janine, at the peak of her popularity, was easily on par with the woman many consider to be the Queen of All Things Adult-Related, Jenna Jameson. That's no small feat. And this was without so much as ever touching a cock on camera unlike Jenna. If one of the rules of show business is to always leave your fans wanting more then Janine had mastered it. The way some of her fans salivated at the very thought of her riding a dick in a movie was enough to send most into uncontrollable twitching spasms. It only made sense to hold off. The demand was CRAZY. So I'd assume that the same way a star might get a little extra kicked their way for doing certain sex acts, I'm sure Janine could name her price to finally get down with someone who had a real penis. This wasn't just anal. It was JANINE fucking DUDES. After thirteen years of NEVER doing it. Somehow, that actually manages to exceed whatever extreme circus act you can imagine: anal, double anal or a double penetration. And it's all because of who Janine is. I'm positive that with Vivid's deep pockets, Mr. Hirsch made it worth her while.

On a personal note, Janine remains attractive to me because she personifies womanhood. She's a family woman, very proud of her two children and carries herself with an air of class and dignity that all women, whether they've performed in adult movies or not, could take a cue from. I hope we haven't seen the last of her. Adult needs more genuinely beautiful women like Janine, who is gorgeous inside and out.