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Saturday, August 04, 2007 

Jackin' Pop Swagger

Why, with the world getting smaller and smaller by the fuckin' minute due to rampant and exponential advances in technology, does the adult industry always seem to be so woefully behind times?

Any time there's a pseudo-scandalous event or popular mainstream movie, some feature company corporate suit will no doubt and almost cartoonishly get a dimming light bulb over his dome and think to himself, not to mention convincing others, that shooting a "porno" version of either will somehow be a brilliant idea.

Three to five years later.

Damn guys, is your paperboy 85-years old and delivering your morning paper that late on his motorized shopping cart? Look behind your computer. Does your internet connection consist of chicken wire and two Campbell's soup cans? While I'm almost certain there is considerably less turnaround time to shoot an adult movie, author a few thousand DVDs and have it on the street in a timely manner than it is to do the same thing for a big-budget Hollywood movie, obviously, the adult industry has never heard of or rather simply refuses to pay heed to the old chiche about striking while the iron is hot. The only thing they seem to do right is get rights to distribute the latest "leaked" celebrity sex tapes. Which generally stink (except for purely sentimental reasons, John Wayne Bobbitt UNCUT, which in addition to its simple yet clever title, gave me a heaping helping of Veronica Brazil and Jasmine Aloha at a time when they were two of my faves back in '94 and I was finally old enough to legally buy my own stroke material instead of ransacking my mom and dad's bedroom whenever they dared leave the house for more than three minutes).

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completey down on this type of shit in the biz. SPACE NUTS deserved all its various accumulated accolades and I'm a huge fan of the early Jenna Jameson features when she laying down the blueprint for how a contract girl should put in work and virtually WAS Wicked Pictures. But these days it seems as if there's not an original bone in anyone's body that is responsible for supplying adult "entertainment."

The DaVinci Load (which has already spawned a sequel despite Tinseltown not even producing one themselves yet), The Ozzporns, The Sopornos, Cheating Housewives, Desperate Housewhores, From Lust Till Dawn, Hustler's Britney (urgh) REARS franchise, Naked Aces (damn. It's so bad they're even mocking BAD movies now)...the list is never-ending.

Jordan Septo (who probably still proudly wears a faux-leather fanny pack and Skidz parachute pants for all I know) and his Venom Digital Media are leaping headlong into the high definition AND feature end of the pool simultaneously in another month and a half or so with a release entitled PARIS & NICOLE GO TO JAIL. Well, not only is the title about as creative as the last ERNEST movie but Paris is long out of jail (and take it from me, I'd be hard pressed to call what she served as "real" time) but I don't think there's one -- not even the absolute bestest, slimiest, wall-scaling, royalty-chasing/Princess Di-murdering kind -- paparazzi alive or dead who has spotted these two unabashed media and attention whoring socialties in the same state or under the same constellation together since 2003. These sheisty bitches admitted to not even liking each other when we thought they were friends. But I was willing to forgive Venom and give Septo a pass if there was any indication that this would at least offer something different or even remotely enterataining. But no dice.

Says Septo: Aubrey Addams (Nicole) and Sindee Jennings (Paris) "find that life is different on the inside, and at first have trouble adapting, but soon learn how to get things in prison by becoming friendly with the warden, the guards, the inmates, things of that nature."


So in other words, it's a typical jailhouse-set porno. One that sounds suspiciously like EVERY OTHER flick or scene I've seen set in the hoosegow. So not only is this shit more stale than the Chick-Fil-A waffle fries from two days ago rotting in the wastebin by my feet, it's also a crazy hackneyed idea and uninspired, to boot. Please. Someone stop me from wringing my hands in masturbatory anticipation.

I blame myself. It's my own fault and I know it. Maybe I expect too much, you know, looking for a porno parody to be smart for once, offer a few funny jokes, twists or any semblance of originality. That's giving the wrong type of people too much of the right kind of credit. I should know by now that all porn will ever do is find some teen who sort of looks like a celebrity X, dress her up a bit to look even more the part, slap the celebs name on the box, have the chick suck a few dicks, send out the press release and wait for the cash (hopefully) to roll in. Rinse, lather, repeat. If they're lucky, recycle. Who needs social commentary, even from a pornographer, about the absuridty of those two know-nothing, do-even-less airheads, Paris and Nicole, even being famous in the first place? Gettin' that C.R.E.A.M. is what's really important. Let's try to focus.

Something to ponder, though, before I bounce: Behind the Green Door, Deep Throat, Chameleons, Night Moves...what do all of these classics have in common? Hint: they didn't rely on current events, pop culture or Hollywood to spoon feed them a direction or an idea or point the way. Yet for some strange reason, in 2007, we still have "respected" directors like Vivid's Paul Thomas remaking DEBBIE DOES DALLAS flicks nearly thirty years after the original was first released.

Shit like this is exactly why the "relax, it's just porn" set will never get the respect any other talentless two-bit entertainer or semi-celeb (ironically, just like the ones they want to parody here) gets. Because they don't take themselves even half as seriously and in actuality are more than equal. Instead, the cameras keep rolling, the brains get put away and the fans continue to be force fed every lame idea (NAPPY-HEADED HOES???) the brain trusts in Porn Valley churn out.

And they wouldn't have it any other way.