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Wednesday, July 04, 2007 

Big Things Poppin' in Springfield...um, Bladensburg

Upon seeing the crowd for myself and in person, all doubts I had in my mind about 7-11 perhaps not making their money back on this Simpsons tie-in/marketing scheme were quickly put to rest.

In case you hadn't heard, a few 7-11 stores across the nation dug into their own pockets and converted themselves (until the 30th of this month) into formerly-fictional Kwik-E-Marts in an effort to help promote and drum up interest (all while making a KILLING if what I saw today is any indication) in The Simpsons Movie (official site), dropping on July 27th. The Simpsons have been around since 1989 (I was 13 years old), possibly a bit longer than most people reading this blog have even been alive. They are, without a doubt, an American institution and I would consider it a tad un-American if there was a soul out there who didn't have at least a passing interest in their big screen, feature-length debut after waiting 18 years for this moment to finally arrive.

So the minute I heard there was one such Kwik-E-Mart about 28 miles from me (in Bladensburg, MD - why on Earth they chose this place, I'll never know. A truly disgusting little ghetto of a town but I guess it's better to have it here than to risk a bunch of traffic congestion and whatever else by putting it in the heart of D.C.), I had to make the pilgrimage. Odd that "mecca" would be a 7-11 of all places.

I pulled up and was immediately greeted by COMIC BOOK GUY reading (surprise!) a comic and holding some nachos. The sign next to him reads "5 Minute Parking." Of course, violators will be towed at their own expense.

Oddly enough, the first thing I saw when I walked inside was the youngest member of the Simpson clan, MAGGIE crawling across the frozen foods. The freezer is located all the way in the back of the store but her head is so huge, it catches your eye immediately. God forbid she loses her balance and that thing falls on someone.

When I got myself situated and refocused I found myself standing in front of a huge display of KRUSTY-O'S which were limited to 2 boxes per customer and going for the oh-so-modest price of $3.99. I instictively picked up a box and continued my journey...

I turn to my right and there he stands in all his plastic and shiny glory, Kwik-E-Mart proprietor APU stationed near the magazine rack and standing next to an empty folding/director's chair. The sign behind him politely reminds customers "This Is Not a Library." It was at this point that an actual Indian lady put her child in the chair and handed me her disposable camera to take a picture of them together. I happily obliged. Far be it from me to disappoint or keep a family apart by not snapping them with a relative.

I "buzzed" by the BUZZ COLA display (which, as you can see, doesn't actually have a BUZZ COLA dispenser...I think they may have been selling it in cans, though) in search of the Holy Grail...

NOT the Holy Grail but instead Grandpa Simpson's retirement home cohort, JASPER literally "chilling" in the freezer.

Don't think I didn't knock those little rugrats there down to get my SQUISHEE on. I got whatever those two flavors on the far left are...blue something and red something. I don't remember. It was blue and red! I'm black. That's all I needed to know.

On my way to the counter to pay for my merch, some redneck patron voluntarily told me that usually they actually sell a HOMER donut but that they're always sold out. Hence none being pictured. I wish I had, however, taken a picture of that hick's truly disappointed face.

As I inched closer to the register (which had four clerks on duty, it was CRAZY busy! I've never been in a 7-11 that had more than two people working), I happened upon a super SPECIAL DEAL: 3 For the Price of 3!!!

Me, my Krusty-O's, a Squishee and notorious numbskull HOMER SIMPSON enjoying a few hot dogs. I was NOT sitting in that chair but the girl who took the picture for me was more than happy to give me her number after I handed her my iPhone to snap the pic. YES -- iPussy!

The Goods back at the pad. I don't know if I'll ever even eat that damn cereal but that Squishee container is already empty - it was hot and it's a long ride to my brother's house. The side of the box reads: "Krusty's Nutrition Guarantee: I guarantee I was paid to say this stuff is nutritious!" Not encouraging in the slightest...

Find a Kwik-E-Mart in your area.

Damn dude, you missed out. Those pink donuts were fucking tasty. I actually just picked up a couple more today, not at the Kwik E Mart (when I went in Burbank I had to wait in line for half an hour), but at a regular 711. You should see if anywhere in your area has some, cuz seriously...mmm, donuts. I get it now.

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