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Sunday, June 22, 2008 

Today It Rained Champagne

...or The Who’s TOMMY aka “the movie responsible for fucking up my life.”

Ann-Margret's snifter (and maybe more) needs filling.

I might be revealing my age by asking this question but do you remember the HBO series, “Dream On”? In the opening credits, you see the main character put in front of the television as an infant by his mother and proceed to see him grow up in front of that very same set while real life around him passes him by. As a result, during his adulthood when faced with certain situations his mind flashes back to various clips from old movies, television shows and commercials. The great and unique part of the show was that these flashbacks were situationally appropriate and often used to hilarious effect. If a woman made Martin mad, you might see that classic clip from “The Public Enemy” where James Cagney smashes a grapefruit into Mae Clarke’s face, for instance.

What do baked beans, laundry detergent and chocolate have in common? Ann-Margret inadvertantly made them all a part of one of my earliest masturbatory fantasies.

I totally related because my childhood wasn’t unlike Martin’s. I was exposed to so much I probably shouldn’t have been at a such an impressionable young age because my parents basically let the idiot box babysit me. That’s not to say they were bad parents but with no supervision and no such invention as the V-chip during my formative years, I watched nearly EVERYTHING. And as a result, I got my brains scrambled in one of the worst possible ways. There’s no way a steady diet of tentacle-rape hentai, LSD-influenced rock operas and ‘80s-era softcore porn can be good for human being in the single digits. I’m no psychologist but the odds of you turning out “normal” are decreased exponentially, I’d wager.

I can assure you, love's got NOTHING to do with what you're about to see from this Nutbush, TN native. View at your own risk.

But nothing and I mean NOTHING, probably freaked me out more as a kid than seeing TOMMY. I can’t even single out a particular scene (though, the scene that shows what initially traumatizes young Tommy is pretty powerful stuff); it was ALL screwed up to me. As an adult, it’s obviously a little less scary (albeit only a little) but no child should be voluntarily or even inadvertantly subjected to that movie. The scene with Tina Turner (“The Acid Queen”, the original Krazee-Eyez Killa) stuck with me my entire LIFE until I was old enough to see the movie in my late teens and make sense of it. But as a 7-year old? That scene was frightening. Absolutely HORRIFYING, actually. It was as if someone finally came up with a method to film a NIGHTMARE. Incidentally, I’m STILL terrified of Tina Turner to this very day as a result. The silver lining, depending on your point of view, is that I’m still very much attracted to older women...and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret influenced your favorite porn stars not only with her skin-tight mesh outfits but by hanging around creepy and old bearded pervs before it was cool.

I guess the moral is, if you’re reading this and you’re anywhere near my age, it’s likely you have a few children of your own. And if you do, I beg you, please be more responsible than my parents were. Watch what your kids are watching. Monitor their viewing habits. Young minds are fragile, easily influenced and even more easily warped. I’m living proof. And you don’t want your kids to turn out like me. Trust me.

some reason I just now realized that in the first Blade movie they ripped off that part in the Tina Turner scene you speak of.

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