Gethsemane to Golgotha

From an AOL instant messenger conversation:



"I'm sitting here listening to Vanity 6's "Nasty Girl" and I swear there's no way to hear this song and not think about some freaky slut/whore/bitch you knew in the past or currently know.

... just having it on makes me feel like my ears are getting an STD."

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Before the Teagan piece, I had a bit of writer's block and decided to loosen myself up with a little writing exercise. In an idea blatantly stolen from one of my favorite websites, AVClub.com and their regular feature, Random Rules, I set my iPod to shuffle a few days ago and wrote some comments about whatever happened to pop up. I've done this three times so far. Here are ten of the more interesting things that played:

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1. Make Me a Song (feat. Timbaland) - Kiley Dean - I wish I could tell you what happened to poor wig-tastic Kylie Dean. Timbaland provided this little white girl with a banger right here but maybe it was much too soon after Aaliyah's passing and the Britney Spears backlash for her to be singing, "Can you give me a song like Rock the Boat, Rock The Boat, Rock the Boat...Can you give me a song that you and Missy wrote, Missy wrote, Missy wrote...something like Get Ur Freak On..." It's really too bad because the girl could sing. I saw the video exactly ONCE and that was in a CHAMPS shoe store. Stick around for the end of the video to hear/see a minute or so of Kylie's "Cross the Line" tacked on at the end, which borrows from Jay-Z's Timbaland-produced "It's Hot (Some Like It Hot)" from Vol. 3: Life and Times of S. Carter.






2. That's How It Is - Casual - Casual is a member of the Oakland, Ca crew the Heiroglyphics (Souls of Mischief, Del tha Funkee Homosapien, others) which automatically makes him wack. He's probably in the studio working on something real HYPHY right now. PSYCHE! I used to LOVE these niggas and couldn't believe they was even FROM the West Coast. When this came out, this is what we referred to on the East as a "jeep beat": heavy rolling bass that just sounded real good in your ride. And even though Cas is from the West, he knows what he's got on his hands; check out the convoy of jeeps in the video. I'm a sucker for scratching and sampling classic tracks and that's why I love this song; the hook is a vocal sample of Milk D from the group Audio Two ("Put It 2 Music") gettin' cut back and forth.






3. Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down) - Nancy Sinatra - Any song that automatically transports you back to a movie as cool as KILL BILL will always be in my good book. Friends still freak out when I play this intentionally and sing along word-for-word. G-Unit's Young Buck sampled this for a song ("Bang Bang") on his debut, Straight Outta Ca$hville.






4. Am I The Same Girl - Swing Out Sister - I don't know anything about Swing Out Sister. I think they're English/British. All I know is that this lady, Corinne Drewery, is singing a Dusty Springfield (and later Barbara Acklin) cover over Young-Holt Unlimited's instrumental track "Soulful Strut" (sampled by Pete Rock and C.L. Smooth for their "One in a Million") and that I really like this song. It's such a feel-good tune that I once told my ex-wife (while we were still married, no less) that I'd play it at her funeral if she died before me and celebrate her passing rather than mourning. *shrugs* I guess you guys can see why things didn't exactly work out. Heh.






5. Basketball - Kurtis Blow - A musical time capsule of the league at the time. I can't believe Lil Bow Wow had the audacity to remake this for his Like Mike movie (though, Fabolous did straight RIP his verse). If you don't know the first two bars of "Basketball", don't ever say you like hip-hop. Hell, don't even bother saying you dig the actual sport of basketball. Blow's delivery on the next-to-last verse is something special. You can actually hear the love and excitement in his voice when he says, "...when Willis Reed stood so tall/playing D with desire...It's BASKETBALL!" Check out cameos by Whodini and The Fat Boys near the end of the video.






6. The Touch - Stan Bush - This one immediately brings to mind two movies, Boogie Nights and Transformers: The Movie. In Boogie Nights, Mark Wahlberg's Dirk Diggler hilariously re-records this song when he tries his hand at another career after porn. In Transformers, it begins right as Optimus Prime transforms to make his last stand against Megatron ("Megatron must be stopped. No matter the cost!"). Either way, it just makes me laugh whenever it comes on.






7. 2 Become 1 - Spice Girls - For all the shit they caught from fair-weather fans and the music media, the Spice Girls were actually capable of putting together a decent song or two when they wanted to. This is one of them. The chorus is money. I would put this on a mix CD of slow songs/ballads and not feel the least bit bad about it. A friend in the UK (Good lookin', Declan!) recently hipped me to the fact that there are two versions of this song.






8. Mickey - Toni Basil - No, this is not here because of fuckin' Bring It On (not that Gabrielle Union and Eliza Dushku don't look good as FUCK during those end credits). I was actually into this song when it was released. Hard to believe that Basil herself was damn-near 40-years-old when this finally hit big in America. There's something undeniable about the energy of the song and the way the music steadily escalates as you approach the hook. It's definitely on some throwback '60s sock-hop-type shit. I think Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" vibe and video owes a lot to this joint.






9. Genius of Love - Tom Tom Club - Chances are if you're not my age, the only thing you'll know this song for is that Mariah Carey sampled it for "Fantasy." But if you're super-old school like myself, I think you'll recognize that Grandmaster Flash used it for "It's Nasty", too. An irresistable groove that has managed to get the party started for going on over nearly three decades now with no signs of stopping.






10. Rolling Down My Face - Amerie - I thought Amerie's second effort, Touch was going to propel her and producer Rich Harrison's careers into the stratosphere. Especially when you think about how big "One Thing" was for her. But that's me; always rootin' for the hometown peeps. This was one track that I really took to on this album. The first recognizable thing you'll hear are the horns from Ed O.G. & Da Bulldogs' "Be a Father To Your Child" (which sampled Roy Ayers' "Searchin'") right before Rich hits you over the head with some serious bass for an "R&B" song. This shit is just funky and Amerie's sweet and unique voice drives it over the top.

With all of the fanfare preceding her entrance into the business Teagan Presley should be, by now, one of the most recognizable faces in adult. Emerging out of the clear blue in late 2003 (just in time to catch everyone's eye at AEE 2004 before they even saw any of her work) the then-18-year-old barely legal Britney Spears lookalike (an unfair comparison, to be honest, spawned more by the schoolgirl attire Presley seemed to prefer wearing early on more than any actual physical similarities) had legions of soon-to-be fans and ardent admirers anticipating the release of her first scenes.



While her early performances were proof-positive that the young-in-age and new to the "performing arts" Presley was a mere novice (by her own admission, she only had sex with three guys before porn) and still very much green in front of the camera, her fanboys kept an unbelievably long thread going in her honor at Adult DVD Talk and the as-of-yet undeserved hype machine kept right on rolling. She's provided her fans (the ones able to overlook her pained grimace and timid virgin-like performances. Think: her face throughout her entire scene in Lethal-Hardcore's Just Turned 18) a few strokable perfs: Jules Jordan's Weapons of Ass Destruction 3, Chris Streams' Internal Cumbustion 4 and Joey Silvera's Service Animals 18. These only served to raise her profile and soon the internet darling was snatched up and signed to an exclusive contract by Digital Playground (and received the requisite breast implants soon thereafter). Since that time, they've released a whopping five movies featuring her, one of which is one of their signature Virtual Sex DVDs. Unfortunately, all of these outings have been uneventful, proving that the fanboy faithful were once again overzealous in their coronation of a new Queen much like they have lately been in a hurry to hand the crown to the likes of Amy Ried and the Sashas -- Knox and Grey and constantly insisting that Taryn Thomas and Hillary Scott are the Second Coming.

But is any of this Teagan's fault? Not quite. And here are the five reasons why you can't lay this all at her feet:



5. Hype: There was almost no way someone as inexperienced as Teagan could immediately live up to the lofty expectations placed upon her. Touted as "The Next Big Thing" based solely on her looks before she ever stepped foot on a set or anyone actually saw her in action, perhaps the naive youngster herself bought into the overwhelming hype and thus didn't feel as compelled to give her all since her name was already on everyone's lips and she was in such demand.

4. Outside Distractions: Not long after signing to Digital Playground, Teagan in an ironic twist, became pregnant only a few months after her celebrity doppleganger (Spears gave birth in Sept '05, Presley in November of that year). So far, motherhood has managed to fade both stars appeal and the time off wasn't helpful to either of their careers. An Evil Angel director/performer like Belladonna might have the option of continuing to perform while with child but a Digital Playground contract star does not. Sidelined, Teagan's popularity suffered and fan chatter concerning her waned as she remained increasingly out of the public eye.



3. Lack of Direction: Pre-Digital Playground, at the start of her gonzo "career", who was handling Teagan's business? Who was advising her and around to make the hard decisions an 18-year-old can't and shouldn't be counted on to make on their own? Without handlers to warn her against doing otherwise, Teagan was only 30-40 movies in before we had seen her do it all including the two acts most new starlets hold off on until they can find a way to get paid for it being their "first": anal and interracial. Teagan took Mr. Marcus and Brian Pumper, two black male performers, in her ass in Anabolic's Up Your Ass 22 before I even knew she existed. Where on Earth were the people to steer Teagan down the right path back then?

2. Her Looks: Teagan's exceptional beauty may have been part of her undoing. Attractive women aren't a rarity in this business but when one comes along as striking as Teagan, everyone wants a piece of her (ask the Jenna Jamesons and Tera Patricks of the world). In addition to being on nearly every box cover of every movie she took part in, the very photogenic Teagan had other obligations. Interviews, photo shoots, various press events, signings and other opportunities that involve the mainstream media don't leave a lot of time for actual "work."



1. Behind Her Time: You read that right. Teagan definitely wasn't AHEAD of her time. The fact is and unfortunately for Teagan, she came along at a time where nearly every other performer working was stronger than her. Her competition was simply too great. Katja Kassin, Lauren Phoenix, Katrina Kraven, Tiana Lynn...the list goes on and on. Nearly every single one of her peers outworked her onscreen. Both her own close friend Nadia Styles and a bespectacled, formerly flat-chested Eva Angelina outshone her in Teen Dreams 7 and she was literally left in the dust when placed side-by-side with Ariana Jollee in Share the Load and then embarrassed again working alongside Eva Angelina in Cum Swapping Sluts 7. Any movie you picked up with Teagan in the cast, she was guaranteed to always be the least-experienced and most sexually-inhibited member and you could count on her to have the most mediocre scene of all of those included, regardless of whether her devoted faithful wanted to admit it or not.

Five ladies who changed the game at their peaks...then came back and did it again because they couldn't get enough the first time.

The word "comeback" tends to evoke a lot of emotion people regardless of the context. Most times we are happy and nostalgic that our heroes have decided to rise from the ashes like the proverbial phoenix one last time; to show us they still have "it" and haven't lost a step. But sometimes, the returns are ill-advised and ultimately disappointing (Baltimore Raven Deion Sanders, anyone?). Ginger Lynn returned briefly in Size Queens a few years ago and disappeared as quickly as she re-emerged. Nici Sterling surprised us all this year with a one-off in Manuel Ferrara's Evilution but was it the nasty Nici we all adored in her prime? Can either of these outings be considered successes? Or do we, as fans, set the bar too high and pine for the impossible?

To be fair, we don't want or need another Michael Jordan on the Wizards. That's an embarassment. We want more than a glimpse of past greatness, we deserve more than a shadow of your former selves. We expect the same as before, if not better. We expect magic. We expect excellence. The passage of time is not a forgivable excuse. If you can't cut the mustard, you should've stayed away. We won't accept you "quitting on the stool" like the recent Mike Tyson debacle in D.C. So thank God for those for whom that competitive fire still burns bright within and fuels an intense desire to please the ones who matter most - the fans.

What follows are my personal picks for the most satisfying returns in adult entertainment. These returns went beyond "successful." In every case, the performer matched or outdid their previous run in the business and gained the support of fans who likely didn't exist on their first go-'round. These five women proved that the porno comeback is no misunderstood folly or foolish misadventure. They all rose from the stool proudly, answered the bell like true champions and K.O.'d their competition. They deserve standing ovations for proving that you don't need to be an 18-year-old, 90-pound waif to be successful in today's marketplace and for that I thank them profusely. I'll now recognize them the only way I know how:


5. Rayveness


Known for her porcelain china doll complexion and natural 34D tits, 34-year-old Rayveness is an alabaster southern belle from North Carolina who has actually taken a few breaks over the course of her on-again, off-again career. After doing only a few scenes in '92, she took some time off to focus on her exotic dancing career and then returned in late '94 to do movies in earnest before disappearing again in '96. In '03 she was once again back with a vengeance, catching people's attention in Busty Beauties 9, Van Styles' I Like It Black 4 and Double Decker Sandwich 3. It was appearances in Mike John's POV Pervert 3 and her exemplary performance in his No Cum Dodging Allowed 4 that put milky-white Rayveness back on everyone's collective radar and allowed them to see that she was still a sexual force to be reckoned with. You can also find her in Boob Bangers 2, Boobaholics Anonymous, Swallow Me POV 3, MILF Squirters 2, Young Ripe Mellons 6, Titty Worship, Cheating Housewives 1 and Desperate Mothers and Wives 1.


4. Roxanne Hall


An Essex, England import, 30-year old Roxanne Hall's been in the adult industry since '94, getting the latest start of the five ladies mentioned here but turning out to be the most prolific with over 400 credits to her name. It's hard to imagine that the woman I recently saw in Sodomania 42 is the same girl I saw way back in Sodomania EIGHT. Time certainly flies. Believing herself to be HIV positive in '95, Hall returned to her native England. As luck would have it, her false-positive was the result of a testing error and she returned to the States to become Elegant Angel's Slutwoman. After falling off the map some time in '98, Roxanne returned in '03 in Elegant's Slutwoman's Revenge and has been putting on incendiary perfs ever since in the likes of Booty Duty 11, A Line, one helluva an outing with Cytherea in Squirtwoman 1 and Tails of Pervisity 11, all for Elegant Angel. She can also be seen in Double Decker Sandwich 4, Fishnets 2, Ass Wreckage 2, Busty Beauties 11, Cheating Housewives 1 and looking extra slender, super-fit and dynamically toned on the cover of Zero Tolerance's Grand Theft Anal 7.


3. Lisa Ann


Another passionate, busty (38DD) and tiny (5' 2") performer, 34-year-old Lisa Ann used to be an exclusive contract performer with Metro Home Video. Italian with dark hair and an exotic complexion, the Pennsylvania native left the business in '96 after being active for nearly two years. Lisa Ann, with that unmistakable smile spread wide across her face, returned just this year, citing that the girls of today just "weren't cutting it." Since her comeback, Lisa has been showing them all how it's done and being shot like crazy, most notably for Zero Tolerance. She's been in five of their titles since coming back: Double Decker Sandwich 8, Fishnets 4, Lick It Up 3, Wet Dreams Cum True 5 and Tits Ahoy 3. You can see more of Lisa Ann in Black Owned, Cheating Housewives 3, Desperate Mothers and Wives 4, Who's Your Momma, Porn Fidelity 5, Juicy Juggs, Slut Diaries, MILF Squirters 2, My First Sex Teacher, Housewife 1-on-1 and DD's & Derrieres.


2. Francesca Le'


I think the oft-used term "lusty latina" was coined specifically for 35-year-old Francesca Le. Always known as a notorious wildchild, Francesca's a high school dropout who soon found her way into stripping and hardcore performances and took to them both like a fish to water. After wowing the world with her innocent look yet absolutely filthy performances, in '93 she walked away from it all after only one year in the biz. Working as a sales manager for Extreme Associates she met her life and business partner, Mark Wood, and came back in '03 as a director/performer, performing only in her own Le'Wood-produced lines like Butt Quest, Double Dip'er, Flesh Fest, Negro Problem, Gringo Dicks in Latin Chicks and Juggies. It took nearly a decade for the rest of the porn world to catch up with Francesca's libido and vision of hardcore sex but we should all be thankful it did. Francesca's as hot as she ever was.


1. Tiffany Mynx


With over 400 movies to her credit over the span of a fourteen-plus year carer and about as fan-friendly as a performer can get, the now-34-year-old living legend Tiffany Mynx took a short break to concentrate on raising her children. When she resurfaced in Jules Jordan's Once You Go Black...2 in 2003, she was no longer the shy blonde who once considered herself too average-looking to make a mark in her chosen vocation. Mynx returned as a voluptuous and confident redhead ready to take on the world and silence the naysayers who doubted she could thrive in today's gonzo environment. She went on to prove them wrong and THEN some in Jordan's Ass Worship 5, Flesh Hunter 8 and Weapons of Ass Destruction 3. She shifted her focus over to another Evil Angel director, Jonni Darkko and then took part in his Boob Bangers, Bet Your Ass 2, Bodacious Booty and an all-Tiffany project entitled Tiffany & Cumpany. Mynx rustled up Brandon Iron with the help of Roxy Jezel in Evil Angel's Tales from the Crack before taking her show over to Van Styles' crib in Ass Appeal 2 and then Take It Black 2, where she meets the monster known as Mandingo for the very first time. Manuel Ferrara has had the honor of taking Tiffany to the limit a number of times, as well: Anal Romance 2, Ultimate Asses 5, Christophe Clark's Beautiful Girls 20, Slave Dolls 2 and Cumshitters. She didn't shy away from the preeminent interracial production houses, Evasive Angels and West Coast Productions, either, taking part in their Big White Wet Butts 2, Bomb Ass White Booty and Hittin' Dat White Azz 5.