Sunday, August 17, 2014 

Se Acabo

12 years is a long time. Just ask Solomon Northrup. Twelves years also just so happened to be the age difference between myself and my now ex-girlfriend. And honestly, the age gap was literally the least of our troubles. When you show love for the STAR WARS prequels, that's sort of a deal breaker. But I digress...

About a month ago, after nearly three years, the worst and least reciprocal relationship I have ever had the displeasure of being in came to an end. By both party's admission, it should have ended long before now but the difference is, I knew a lot sooner than I ever let on. One could say I'm exaggerating but the truth is, I knew from Day One that we were incompatible but I'm not a quitter and when I set my sights on something or someone, I tend to persist until I have it. In this situation, once it was mine, I crossed my fingers and just hoped for the best. Lesson learned: the last thing you should do in a relationship is wait for the other person to change.

Every story has two sides and I'm sure that if you spoke to the other side of this particular story, they would also have their laundry list of complaints. Fair enough. I never claimed to be perfect. But for a guy who can be a bit emotionally closed off at times and sometimes an irresponsible procrastinator, I'd say I wasn't a bad boyfriend. It wasn't uncommon for me to drive all over creation any time of day or night because she didn't have a car, bring my girlfriend breakfast in bed nearly every Saturday morning, surprise her with dinner or a gift and all the other normal, regular stuff that boyfriends do like going out dancing, to the movies or to nice restaurants for dinner. Anything she asked for, if it was within my means, I made it happen. Of course, her response to that would be "I didn't ask for any of that" which is about the most hated and immature response one can give in my book. Had I not done those things, how far would the relationship have gone, how long would it have lasted? Don't act like I could've gotten away with NOT doing those things and everything would've still be okay. But anyway...

The trouble began when I noticed she would act like a petulant teenager whenever I had any favor to ask. When she had relationship concerns, I was supposed to be all ears and I was, and eager to correct whatever it is that needed fixing. However, if I had a problem, my issues were met with immediate derisiveness and all-out scorn. "If you don't like me then go date someone else!" was the most common response. If I asked her to simply make the bed we slept in, she compared it to being in "boot camp." When she and I lived together, if something came up where I was going to be late or not come straight home from work, I often dropped her a text to let her know. When I suggested it might be nice to give me that same courtesy, I got labelled as "controlling." If I became frustrated with her lack of attention where it concerned my feelings, I was deemed "angry." Are you seeing where this is headed?

Listen: I don't want to make this a laundry list of petty complaints. I could talk about her complete lack of respect for anyone's time other than her own (she's literally late for EVERYTHING except her job because, of course, that would impact her directly. She hates to wait on others but everyone should expect to wait an extra hour for her because hey, that's just "how she is" and the world should accept it and be on her timetable. And it would be understandable if important work made her late or something urgent came up, but I was present to observe: ten times out of ten, it was because she wanted to lie on the couch and watch another episode of some reality television show). But that being said, my girlfriend was selfish in the absolute worst ways and saw zero room for improvement within herself and therefore was above any sort of criticism, constructive or otherwise. Anything I said that shattered that false perception was considered a "personal attack." Check it out: people don’t grow if they aren’t willing to challenge themselves about who they really are. And growth takes a certain degree of humility. You can’t see yourself as perfect all the time, or in all honesty, even nearly perfect. The same way you wouldn’t attempt to have a serious conversation with someone who was drunk or high, it was equally futile to attempt to have one with someone so full of themselves. She was literally incapable of believing that she was in any way to blame for anything ever.

In her mind, just by virtue of being someone's girlfriend, she expected and deserved to be pampered and spoiled non-stop for the duration of the relationship. However, if you so much as said, "Hey, I just worked 12 hours and my hands are full, do you mind taking the trash out?" (which was, at the time, a fifty yard walk down the hall) and you would think I slapped her. This is a girl who was so high maintenance she once complained my dinner plates were too heavy (too big and heavy for her to WASH, ended up being the real reason). Last I checked, plates sat ON a table. You're not holding it; you're eating off of it. What does it matter what it weighs? I should have expected this, actually, considering her two previous long term relationships were in high school and college, both with guys who had never had a girlfriend before. I'm certain she ran roughshod over both of these boys with her ways and now, looking back, I pity them. Her college boyfriend used to actually pick her up at the Metro station where I parked because she'd ride back to that station with me. I used to pick her up from there often, too, once we started dating. Now I wonder how many times she duped me into doing the same thing. Considering she used to lie to me about the true nature of her relationship with one of her exes so that they could continue to be "friends", I surely don't put it past her.

If it wasn't for her or benefit her in some way, she didn't do it. When we first met, she was one of those girls who tried to get you to park as closely to wherever it is we were going so as not to have to walk an extra twenty steps. It only stopped when she began walking to lose weight. And this might be TMI, but she always liked to make a big deal about how long she held onto her virginity. Check this out: this girl was the LEAST sexual person I have ever been around. To her, at least in the beginning, sex was a chore that was for someone else's gratification, not hers, so she had little to no interest in engaging in it. As long as her man still took her out and didn't ever expect anything in return, their dealings could be absolutely sex-less as far as she was concerned. So bragging that you didn't do it until later in life failed to impress me. That would be like me harping on the fact that I’ve never tried cocaine: if you were never in a hurry or didn't have a "taste" for it, then why should you be lauded for resisting a temptation that didn't exist? In fact, of all the people she’s had sex with, I remain the first and only one that she was actually in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship with at the time. Red flag numero THOUSAND.

I broke it down to one of my best friends thusly -- if you look at a relationship as a job of sorts, there are tasks. If we rank those tasks on a scale of one to ten, it might look like such: Vacations, shopping sprees, expensive dinners, these things would rank on the high end of the scale. Doing small favors, household chores, making meals; these things would be near the bottom. In my eyes, you can't constantly ask for and expect things that are consistently near the 10s when you aren't willing to do the stuff that's near the 1s. If you want me to take you on a vacation to another country, then maybe I shouldn't have to argue with you for a week or get sideways glances about washing dishes, is all I'm saying. You can't expect that I'm going to break out my wallet and say, "Hey, here's some money to get your hair and nails done this weekend" when if I even suggest that maybe we not eat out EVERY single night because you NEVER cook, I get a whole heap of attitude. Not to mention, it's not as if this girl was unemployed or an educator; she has a government job that pays her fairly well.

One of my close friends called her a "gimme girl" which made me chuckle. But in a sense, it's true. I'll wrap this up with a short story: about two weeks after we began dating, my girlfriend suddenly had an itch to get away. Other than studying abroad for a semester or so, she had never really traveled. So after a mere TWO WEEKS of dating, she was constantly on my back about taking her away on a cruise. In my mind, I knew I wasn't ready to make that kind of investment and I had just started a new job where I couldn't even take that kind of time off right away. I arranged a fairly nice weekend getaway for our "anniversary" to keep her quiet until I could determine if this was even someone I wanted to go away like that with (which she, in turn, despite enjoying herself and me spending, I guarantee, what a cruise might have cost, treated it like it was a poor substitution for what she had really been asking for). In the midst of this, my birthday rolls around. She takes me out to dinner and at the end of the dinner, she hands me an envelope. Inside is a birthday card and announcement for my gift, her crowning achievement and go-to story throughout this entire relationship. If I have to tell you what she got ME for MY birthday, what was in that envelope, then you just haven't been paying attention. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it was a cruise.

Towards the end, she once asked me why I always looked so unhappy with her. I no longer think that question requires an answer. She once had the audacity to tell me that she is a "relationship" person; that she prefers to be in a relationship instead of being single. Well, judging by her definition of a "relationship", I can see why that might be. Unfortunately, her idea of a relationship isn't really what one is supposed to be like. And trust me, she's much happier being in the streets and "dating"; looking for "love" in the club and between all the free drinks and dinners until she finds the guy that she finds worthy enough to do it on a regular basis. which likely won't take her long. She's still getting what she's really after either way. I told her once before and I still stand by it: a boyfriend to her was an accessory, like a new purse and the only reason she "loved" it or being around it was for what it could do for her.

Today, my friends notice the difference. I'm a happier guy. It’s amazing how much more laid back and less annoyed you can be without a heap of someone else’s selfish idiosyncrasies to deal with daily. I make it to events on time and when I go to the movies, I get great seats now. My stove top and oven are actually in use. A layer of dust no longer resides on my furniture and I don't have to stop my stories mid-conversation and give an explanatory history lesson because the person I'm talking to parents were so strict that the first eighteen years of their life was tantamount to living on another planet. I'm no longer around someone who thought their sole responsibility as a girlfriend was to simply be an ornament. It's a good feeling. I'm back.

Friday, August 19, 2011 

Unearthed: The Definitive Kristina Rose Interview

First, let me apologize for it being an entire YEAR since my last update but something tells me that after this, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. I haven't conducted a porn star interview since the Justin Slayer one FOUR years ago and while interesting and eye-opening, The Business is supposed to be all about the girls, right? Well, I happen to have been fortunate and blessed enough to have gotten ahold of THE girl in adult right now: Ms. Kristina Rose.

I contacted Kristina Rose back on CHRISTMAS DAY of LAST YEAR at the behest of a company that shall remain nameless to interview her for a magazine they were putting together for the upcoming AVN Awards Show and Adult Entertainment Expo. As with everything else in my life, things fell apart at the zero hour. But Kristina, trouper she is, kept her end of the bargain, regardless and was a gracious, humorous, candid, eloquent and extremely honest interview. What was originally intended to be a mere twenty questions on my part ballooned into what you're about to read. We've all seen the interviews in other magazines that almost seem as if they're either flat-out fraudulent, written by a man or that the subject isn't being themselves but instead a character. I assure you, that while Kristina Rose is a "character" in the best sense of the word for sure, this isn't a role she's playing. So without further adieu, I present to you CJ's Great Lost Interview with the One and Only Kristina Rose.


CJ: What was your family life like? Do you consider your childhood happy? Would someone describe you as a wild or rebellious child?

KR: I think I grew up in a typical American family. My mother and father have been divorced ever since I could remember and they both remarried and had more kids. It was like I had two families. I felt lucky. Some kids only had one. I always remember being a happy child for the most part. I recall people saying I was shy, ambitious, unique and always daydreaming.

CJ: How old were you when you realized that, as far as your sexuality, that you were a little different from other girls your age? When did you lose your virginity? Do you remember it as being a good or bad experience?

KR: I think you always think you're different from everyone else when you first start discovering your sexuality. I don't necessarily think anyone really is though. I knew that my interest in sexuality at such a young age was a little different than most, but I think you always feel kind of weird about the whole thing no matter what age you discover your sexuality at.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old. I lost it to my little high school boyfriend whose wiener I named "The Walnut" because it looked like a third testicle. Needless to say, it wasn't a particularly thrilling experience and I didn't do it again until a year later. Ha, haa.

CJ: Was porn something you stumbled into or did you actually have aspirations on becoming a pornstar and sought out a way to get in the business?

KR: Porn was something that just kind of happened. Looking back now, I should have seen it coming. It was always around or involved in my life in some way or another. I have been a fan ever since the first time my dad told me not to watch channel 98 (black box porno channel circa 1994). I never really sought it out as an occupation. I just watched it, but after getting offer after offer and being such a big fan of it I decided to take the leap during a time in my life when I had nothing really going on. I needed to get another job so I could support myself and porn kept randomly coming up over and over again in my life so I decided to try it. It's not like I was a saint before I got in the biz so I figured why not get my jollies and pay my rent at the same time? It was the best decision I've ever made!

CJ: Why do you do porn, personally? Is it money or is there another driving, determining factor?

KR: This is that "which came first, the chicken or the egg" question. Obviously, the money is a big part of it. Anyone that says otherwise is an idiot and a liar. I was a slut before porn so it's not that I'm faking my sexuality. I just didn't really think I could get paid for that until I got offered to do porn. Then it just kind of made sense. Everything just came together. I love sex and I've always been fascinated by pornography and the different kind of sexual fetishes people have. I guess you could say I've always been sexual and the sexuality I exude got me the offers to do porn and the money is what got me to do porn and my natural sluttiness has made me a success in the game.

CJ: What do you like most about sex, on camera and off-camera? How would you describe your sex life off-camera?

KR: What I like about sex on camera is the game. We're all chasing after that perfect scene. When you do an amazing scene the feeling in the air is like a drug. Not just for the performers, but for everyone on set. It's electric! It gives you a high I could only imagine athletes and heroin addicts understanding.

My sex life off camera is very different from my sexual escapades on camera. In my private life when I have sex with someone there is usually feelings involved. I like certain things. I keep those things a secret. It's not that they're all very scandalous, it's just I like to keep some things private just for me. I can't give you guys everything. Some things I like to keep tucked away just for me and that's all I'm gunna say ;)

CJ: Despite being diminutive, you have an absolutely enormous personality. Do you feel as though men are intimidated by you?

KR: I don't feel like men are intimidated by me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that's part of my charm. I'm approachable. I'm that bario girl from around the way. The one you had a crush on but could still fart in front of.

CJ: Are you involved? What's the first thing you notice about a man? Would you be opposed to dating someone in the business?

KR: I'm seeing someone I like. The first thing I notice about a guy is his aura. I know that sounds weird, but I'm not a looks person. I always like people based off the vibes they give me, like how their presence changes the room. I am very opposed to dating within the industry. It's always a bad idea to shit where you eat.

CJ: I had the pleasure of meeting and kicking it with you at the end of '07, start of '08 when you were still brand new to The Business. Since then, I've watched your career literally explode in the following years: more box covers than I can count and eventually becoming Elegant Angel's Slutwoman . At what point did you personally feel as though you'd 'arrived' and weren't just another anonymous or disposable B-girl in the biz?

KR: For a long time I wouldn't allow myself to think I'm a big name or that I have "arrived". I was always afraid that if I admitted that, that it would all go away and I also feared becoming one of those girls that gets all big headed and refers to herself in the third person. Ha! I have always tried as much as possible to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. But, I think after I got the "Slutwoman" title I felt the shift. It was an awkward feeling for me at first. I felt like if I acknowledged it that I would seem like one of those conceited girls I can't stand. I only just started allowing myself to embrace it as of recently. It's a good feeling and an odd feeling. People start to talk to you and treat you slightly different. In a good way and a bad way. I try to enjoy my accomplishments now rather than pretend they don't exist. It still makes me feel embarrassed when someone refers to me as a "big name" or whatever, but in a good way.

CJ: How do you deal with your current notoriety? When a fan recognizes you or stops you in public, how do you handle those situations? Are they flattering or creepy? How do you regard your online fans like ones who post obsessively about you on message boards or who follow you on Twitter? What do you think attracts your fans to you?

KR: It still feels weird to me when I get stopped at the airport or grocery store. I still can't believe people know who I am. Haa, haa. But I love it. Without my fans I wouldn't have the success I have now. You can give someone all the awards in the world and it doesn't mean shit, because at the end of the day it's the fans and people that buy our porn that matter. Sometimes fans are creepy. Sometimes they're sweet. It seems to be 50/50. I love all my fans. Those people are the people that pay my bills, in a way. They helped me gain the success I have now. I have nothing but love for my fans. Even the creepy ones. I think what attracts people to me is my realness. I don't care what people think of me. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not always put together just perfect like a model. I don't say what I should, I say what I feel and I don't hide behind an image my agent created for me. I am who I am take it or leave it and I think that's why people are attracted to me. I'm someone they can relate to because I have flaws. That and I think I just seem like a great lay. ;)

CJ: Who in the business do you admire or have a great deal of respect for? Who new do you see as having all the tools to go far or become the next big thing? Male, female or both. Do you watch your own scenes? Who is Kristina Rose's favorite porn star to watch?

KR: There's a lot of people I look up to and admire in the industry for different reasons. As a performer I've always really admired Annette Schwarz. She is one of those real people. There's no one like her. I also look up to and admire [Elegant Angel directrix] Mason . Her vision and how she captures scenes is amazing. She ignites something in every performer that she shoots. Porn is lucky to have her because in my opinion she's way beyond us. I also admire Belladonna as a performer and business woman. I like that she just does her and that's it. Take it or leave it. I admire Alexis Texas for the same reason.

For a while I've thought Asa Akira is one of those girls that was going to be the next big thing. I was bugging William H. [director at Elegant Angel] and Mason for the longest time telling them how great Asa is and that I thought she had something special. I also think Andy San Dimas is another girl to keep your eye on. As well as Ashli Orion. Ashli is one of the most underrated performers in the game. She deserves a lot more props.

I do watch my own scenes. I always have. I like to see what the finished product looks like and also I like to see why something got a good review or a bad review. If you don't watch your scenes I think you're really missing out on an opportunity to see how you can do your job better. I also like to jerk off to my favorite scenes from time to time. My favorite performer to watch is still Annette Schwarz. She's still my favorite.

CJ: Now be completely honest here and this is in no way meant to disregard or disrespect Tori Black's accomplishments but did you feel as though you should have won AVN's Performer of the Year last year? I mean, is that not a personal goal or is it for you, as a lot of people like to say, 'just an honor to be nominated'? I feel as though you're a strong front runner again this year so obviously not winning didn't diminish your value and it's rare for someone to have two such similarly strong years back-to-back like this.

KR: I did feel slightly snubbed last year because I didn't win ANYTHING I was nominated for and I (literally) busted my ass all year long, haaa, haaa, but it is what it is. We all want to win. We all think we were the best. We all want awards. The real winning is being nominated at all and that's what I try to remember.

CJ: Chemistry between stars is important. Who do you find sexy or feel you have the best onscreen sex with?

KR: Without even having to think, I know I have the best onscreen chemistry with Manuel Ferrara. I don't know what it is. There's just something about us. We just have something. Personally, we are very different people. But as soon as that camera is on it's like no one else in the world exists. We devour each other like animals and every time just gets better and better. Every scene I do with Manuel trumps the last. Sometimes I feel like maybe we were lovers in a past life or something. We just have a weird connection that neither of us can explain. I stopped trying to analyze it a long time ago and now I just enjoy it from time to time when I get the chance to work with him.

CJ: Seeing Sasha Grey's crossover/mainstream success and also being represented by Mark Spiegler (aka Shylock, Grey's agent), do you in any way envy her position or think that perhaps you can achieve the same things? Do you even want to? How much of your success do you attribute to his guidance?

KR: Mainstream success seems to be very important to a lot of girls. I never really paid too much attention to it, until more recently. After getting the opportunity to do a couple of mainstream projects I'm much more open to it now than I was a year ago. I like getting the opportunity to do something different. It's fun to break out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping this year that I'll get more opportunities to experience that.

I think Sasha Grey's success is very important for us girls in the industry whether you're trying for mainstream success or not. She is really showing the world that there is more to some of us porn girls than just the typical stereotypes people have about the industry.

I attribute a lot of my success to Spiegler. He really is a genius. I told him what my goals were when I first got with him and his guidance and connections have gotten me the success I was trying to attain. Spiegler is the most talented agent in the game. There's no question about it. I have big dreams for myself and it's no accident that I chose Mark Spiegler to be my agent. I know he is the one that can help me make my dreams a reality, because he already has.

CJ: In a land of fake blondes and even faker big tits, do you ever feel self-conscious about your looks or your body in any way? Is there anything that you would change? Is there anything anyone has ever pressured you to change?

KR: I feel more comfortable in my body now more than I ever have before. When I first got in the business I was told by many people that I would never be a big name because I didn't have the right "look." I never understood that and I went out of my way to prove people wrong. I wouldn't change one thing about my body. I love my body. If I wanted boobs I could have them, but then I wouldn't be me. I like me and I only want people to like me for me. From time to time someone will say something about my body or something I "should" change, but those people are usually idiots, so I just disregard them. I like how I look. I would fuck me and I have 40,000 followers on Twitter that feel the same way. ;)

CJ: Do you enjoy it when people praise your physical charms, such as your butt?

KR: Of course! It's feels good to be told you're pretty.

CJ: Porn is notorious for being known as a somewhat competitive, cutthroat environment, especially amongst the female talent. Clear the air on that: are women in the business generally supportive of one another or are they catty and manipulative? Have you ever had a feud or major disagreement with anyone?

KR: Women in the industry go both ways, but I will say that there are very few girls that have enough confidence to be supportive of other girls in the industry. Porn is not a team sport. It's every girl for herself. At the end of the day we're all trying to be the best, get the most work, get the best reviews, win all the awards etc. That's just how it is. I always admired the girls that went out of their way to help me out or clue me into things about the industry. I always wanted to be that girl rather than the kiss you in the face kick ya in the ass type. I think I've done a good job at that. What most girls don't think about is that although porn is not a team sport on the surface underneath all the competitive shit, it is. I feel like as women in this industry we should stick together but, that's easier said than done. Unfortunately, until women get over this lack of confidence and jealousy bullshit we'll always be one step behind the men.

As far as feuds and disagreements with other girls in the industry, yeah, I've had and still have beef with some girls. If you're a woman in the industry it just goes without saying that you've had at least one beef with one girl at sometime during your career. There's so many different types of people in this business, you're bound to run into a couple of idiots.

CJ: Fans always assume that everyone in The Business knows everyone else in The Business but we both know nothing could be further from the truth, even if The Business is, for the most part, a small and tight-knit fraternity; a band of outlaws, if you will. But please, take some time to describe your relationship with Alexis Texas.

KR: Alexis Texas and I have a very special bond. Words can't really describe it. Anyone that knows us knows that and Mason really captured it well in our movie "Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman." I think that even if we weren't involved in the industry that we would have found each other somehow. I recall the first time I really met her was on set for her first Buttwoman movie. Something just clicked on set that day and we've been best friends ever since. We're so different yet so much alike. A lot of people think it's funny that we're so close because we're so different. I feel like we balance each other out in a weird way. We have this unspoken understanding about things. I know she can look at me and know exactly what I'm feeling and I feel the same way towards her. What I have with Alexis is very special. I've never had a bond like that with someone before. I've had close friendships but this goes beyond that. It's a friendship, a love affair and a family all rolled into one girl that just so happens to have the most amazing ass I've ever seen. I love that girl.

CJ: What would you say to a young girl who watches you now and wants to do what you do? Do you feel your sexuality has empowered you or makes you a positive role model?

KR: That's always a question I have a hard time answering. Porn isn't for everyone. It's a lot harder than it looks. You really have to be a certain type of person to be able to do this job and be successful. I feel like porn has really taught me a lot about myself not just sexually, but (I know this is gunna sound so hilarious and corny buuut) I feel like I have learned a lot about life because of my involvement in the industry. I didn't really fully know who I was when I got started in the business and I can say now that I have a good idea who I am and I like the person that I have become. If you want to do porn I would suggest really thinking about it. Take your time. Because once you do it, you can never take it back. Your life does change. I've seen it turn out good and I've seen some people fall down a dark path. I've done both. The best advice I could give a girl that is thinking about doing porn is really think about the pros and cons and always go with your gut.

CJ: Finally, what would you say to porn's detractors? Those that think it objectifies women, that it takes the beauty out of sex or worse yet, that it is nothing more than legalized prostitution and that you're going to burn in hell for even participating?

KR: You're entitled to your opinion, but I would have to disagree at least for me. When I first got into the industry my self-confidence was as low as it could get thanks to mainstream media. Now I'm more confident than ever. Porn has helped me see myself in a different light. Porn is what you make it. If you take it to a dark place it's gunna be dark and seedy. If you take it to a good place you could have an amazing experience like the one I've had. It's all up to the viewer. It's all up to you.

Monday, August 02, 2010 

Mid-Year Top 10, 2010 (Sort Of)...

I understand that this is the very definition of "a day late and a dollar short", being a month later than usual. But, admit it: this hasn't exactly been the best year for the business. Nor has there been many fresh new faces worth talking about; rising, glistening and shimmering, from an unfortunately, very shallow talent pool. So for right now, what you see is what you get...

10. Charley Chase
Watermelons 2, Round Latin Asses, Busty POV, Massive Asses 5

If it were physically possible for Cameron Diaz and Mila Kunis to produce an actual lovechild, the result might look like this Italian/Puerto Rican wildcat from Kentucky. At it for the better part of three years now, Charley Chase (a true triple-threat who loves interracial sex who is blessed with both huge God-given breasts and a round, wide ass) is finally starting to be appreciated by her peers and fans alike and without the inclusion of funnel-assisted, cum-gargling sexual circus acts to her repertoire. Her performances are all-natural and organic, the perfect complement to a body so booming from head-to-toe, it has landed her in nearly every genre, niche and fetish flick you can imagine.


9. Kerry-Louise
Asslicious 2, Rack Jobs, Heels and Whores

Kerry-Louise is the best and current entry in a long and storied tradition of fantastically filthy birds from England coming Stateside to entertain US audiences with their own unique brand of debased and uninhibited, no-holds barred sexual acrobatics (but surprisingly, no anal). She brings with her a horny Lincolnshire accent, an over-the-top bedside manner, a larger-than-life personality to match her oversized proportions (32FF-24-34), enormous collagen-inflated DSLs and a tattoo (one of many) on the inside of her left bicep that reads, ”Act like a PRINCESS, Fuck like a Slut.” If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about Kerry-Louise, nothing will.


8. Juelz Ventura
Black Listed 2, Lex the Impaler 5, Rico the Destroyer 2

Once known as Layna Laurel, Juelz Ventura (the name she took on when she augmented her breasts in 2008 to a 32D from her formerly natural 32A's) was born in Brasilia, Brazil and raised in Oak Creek, WI. When she first leapt onto the hardcore scene, I'll admit that I paid her little attention and assumed she'd simply be the implanted version of her equally un-tame-able agency-mate, Andy San Dimas. Oh, how wrong I was. Not only is Juelz energetic and unintimidated, she doesn't shy away from Cock of Color, either which is, from where I'm sitting, always a plus.


7. Amia Moretti
Teenage Pink POV 4, Just Over Eighteen 22, Jailbait 7

When you talk “teens”, I have to say that she, hands down, rules the roost from a performance standpoint. The girl can simply do no wrong. I once posted:

"Does Amia Moretti depress me about porn? Precisely the opposite, actually. This kid is one of the few performers today that gives me HOPE about girls in the business. Like many here, I couldn't care about her reasons for choosing to do it or her off-camera dealings; what she does on-camera is what concerns me and she's currently Top 10 material in my book when it comes to that.

The OP sounds more "depressed" about society in general and the factors that put a girl like Amia into the business than about porn itself. But if he IS worried about Amia in relation to fucking and sucking - don't even trip: she's got that shit handled."


6. Jennifer White
Barely Legal 97, Schoolgirl POV 8, American Anal Sluts

The last girls that I can recall hitting the ground running this quickly, this effortlessly and had this kind of buzz amongst hardcore fans went by the names Taylor Rain and Bree Olson. And if you know who they are, then you know that if this is your profession, that's not bad company to be in. And if you've never seen Ms. White perform, it gives you a pretty good idea of what to expect when you do. Brace yourself.


5. Gracie Glam
Starlets 2010, Cum Spoiled Brats, Jerkoff Material 5, Teen Glazing

Every so often, a new girl comes along that is just so naturally hypnotizing, there's no need for gimmicks or circus acts. You'd watch her do next to absolutely nothing and be perfectly willing to pay for the privilege. Remember Karina Kay? Penny Flame? Girls so magnetic, so full of personality that it didn't matter what they were doing or who they were doing it with, you wanted to witness it. Gracie Glam is one such girl. And those eyes?! If there were ever a set that deserved the designation of "bedroom", it's this pair.


4. Asa Akira
Swimsuit Calendar Girls 4, Asa Visits London

This Japanese Princess was Gonzo Royalty before she ever stepped foot on a set. Few can match her performances. Even fewer, her looks. If there’s any doubt, check Jules Jordan’s Invasian 4 and hit me back when you’re able catch your breath. When London Keys is the only other girl even CLOSE to being in her lane or satisfying fans of Asa's niche, that gives you an idea of how wide the gap truly is between her and the rest of the pack. R.I.P. to the competition. Asa Akira is Insatiable.


3. Kristina Rose
Bootylicious Girls, Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman

In my mind, Kristina Rose is the REAL reigning AVN Performer of the Year and still the girl to "beat" come January. Honestly, who else is in the running? Who poses a threat? Is there a better ALL-AROUND performer working that I don't know about? I doubt it. If there is any justice in the world, this will be her year.


2. Mason Moore
Busty Housewives 4, Slutty and Sluttier 11

Don't let the old cliché' discourage you: sometimes judging a book by its cover can be a good thing. I knew from the minute I laid eyes on Mason Moore that she was something special and she has been one of the rare talents over the past five years who has actually managed to exceed my expectations. Her look (big fake tits, long nails, tattoos and piercings) will divide viewers down the middle as far as where they place their loyalty (and $$$) but if you can find a better PURE PERFORMER, regardless of the packaging, please email me. I don't think one currently exists. If AVN gave out a Most Improved Porn Star Award, Moore would and should be the only nominee.


1. Sadie West
Angels of Debauchery 8, Pornstars Punishment 1

This is the first time in a long time that I've been stumped for a single word to describe a woman. Seriously - Webster is actually going to have to INVENT a new one because I went through the dictionary front to back and I still can't find a single one that fits "Psycho" Sadie West. Even more amazing is that Ms. West was once a New Sensations exclusive contract performer. Well, lemme be the first to tell ya: Ashlynn Brooke she ain't. This girl is an entertainer. She has yet to take the anal plunge (not really a prerequisite for my fanboi adulation nor adoration) but right out of the gate, she popped up in so many interracial titles once she put Scott Taylor's company in her rear view, I literally lost count and I started to wonder exactly why I never saw THIS Sadie while she was under contract. Because the REAL Sadie, the one we're getting now, attacks every single scene, regardless of whom it’s with, with such ferocious intensity that it's hard not to become instantly and seriously concerned for the poor girl's safety and sometimes even question her SANITY. Seriously, her onscreen histrionics are downright unhinged and frankly, a bit bizzare. I believe that if she wanted to, she could take over the world. I mean, if Jenna Haze could do it...


Sunday, January 31, 2010 

My Top Five Favorite Movie Couples of 2009

5. Oskar & Eli
Kåre Hedebrant & Lina Leandersson
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008) dir. Tomas Alfredson

Oskar: How old are you?

Eli: Twelve...more or less. What about you?

Oskar: Twelve years, eight months and nine days. What do you mean "more or less"? When’s your birthday? Are you really twelve?

Eli: Yes. It’s just I’ve been twelve for a very long time.

Based on John Ajvide Lindqvist’s novel of the same name, Låt den rätte komma in (Lindqvist also penned the screenplay which, unfortunately but understandably leaves out many of the more controversial elements of the source material), movies like this one make me thankful that vampire mythos and the inherent romance element that inevitably intertwines itself into the narrative isn’t confined to sensationalist or overly-angst-y American ideals, like HBO’s breakout hit “True Blood” or the increasing but inexplicable craze over Stephanie Meyers’ “Twilight” novels and subsequent movie franchise.

Here, the year is 1982 and the setting is a small snowy Stockholm suburb called Blackeberg where our protagonist, 12-year old Oskar (a very blonde, very pale and extremely gaunt Kåre Hedebrant) lives with a seemingly doting mother, who has divorced his alcoholic father. Routinely humiliated at school by bullies, Oskar is a bright but quiet child who is fascinated with death and forensics, keeping a scrapbook of newspaper clippings about crime and murders but who himself is not even remotely violent, to the point where he won’t even strike back at the tormentors who harass him almost daily. That is, until he meets Eli (Lina Leandersson), a fellow 12-year old girl and kindred spirit of sorts who overhears Oskar outside on their rusty playground, acting out his imaginary revenge with a small pocket knife. Eli has just moved in next door with her guardian Hakan, is never seen during daylight hours, seems unaffected by the bitter cold and quite frankly, always looks a little sickly and even dirty.

As their strange friendship blossoms, it becomes evident to Oskar that Eli is a vampire but to her surprise, he isn’t afraid of her. In fact, after a life of loneliness, isolation and solitude, she is his only friend. But with Eli and Hakan’s arrival comes a series of murders, which leads to whispers and paranoia amongst the town’s locals. Whether or not this is a straight ahead vampire/horror movie, a simple and subtle boy-meets-girl story or an understated coming-of-age tale is left to the viewer. A case can be made for all three but I personally prefer to think that, given the ending (a finale that would otherwise be judged as gory and extreme if it wasn’t so touching and sweet that you almost want to cheer), it is ultimately a pensive and deliberately paced yarn about how a vampire cursed with eternal life comes to, by total happenstance, recruit a new familiar (companion or servant who guards her during the day) with all of those other elements thrown in for good measure.

4. Burt & Verona
John Krasinski & Maya Rudolph
AWAY WE GO (2009) dir. Sam Mendes

Verona: Yeah, you’re right. It’s unfair that she can’t have a baby. And that bad parents still get to be parents. And good parents die when their daughters are in college. So what? Look, all we can do is be good for this one baby. We don’t have control over much else.

Unmarried long-time couple Verona De Tessant (SNL’s Maya Rudolph) and Burt Farlander (John Krasinski of NBC’s “The Office”) are two long-distance freelance writers who discover in a hilarious opening sequence (and one that deftly shows what banter would be like between two people who write for a living) that Verona is, unexpectedly, with child. When they share the news with Burt’s parents (Verona’s parents are deceased), in hopes that they’ll be willing and helpful grandparents, they are surprised to learn that the elder Farlanders have already made plans to move to Antwerp, Belgium...a month before the baby is even due. With nothing tying them to the place they currently live any longer, Burt and Verona set off on a cross-country trip to visit relatives and old acquaintances in an attempt to find somewhere suitable for them to start their new family and finally establish some much-needed roots.

However, this is not a road movie (Burt and Verona fly and take trains as well as drive). It’s an incredibly sincere and reserved romance helmed by Academy Award-winning director Sam Mendes (American Beauty) from an oft-times funny screenplay by real-life couple Dave Eggers (the well-known satirist makes his screenwriting debut here) and novelist Vendela Vida (which, I’m sure, accounts for the effortless chemistry between the fictional Burt and Verona). From Arizona to Wisconsin to Canada to Florida, Burt and Verona catch back up with their wildly and hilariously dysfunctional friends and family, none of them quite providing the right support system or environment in which they want to raise their newborn. In their turns especially, Allison Janney and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s encounters (in Phoenix and Madison, respectively) with Burt and Verona are an absolute riot: Janney as a loud-mouthed and mentally abusive mom/wife and Gyllenhaal as a New Age free-spirited hippie, Earth mother-type. The more realistic and sobering moments come from visits with Burt’s brother in Miami, whose wife has left him to raise their daughter alone and a trip to Montreal reconnecting them with college friends (Chris Messina and Melanie Lynskey) who, for as happy as they seem, heartbreakingly, cannot conceive.

I’m not sure who thought the pairing of Krasinski and Rudolph as the leads (especially considering both are pretty much famous for their supporting work) would be a wise idea but the casting director deserves a pat on the back and a hefty raise. Krasinski is the infinitely likeable, sweet and thoughtful everyman he has portrayed so well for many years now as Jim on “The Office” but who knew that Rudolph could be so soulful and mesmerizing, conveying so much yet saying so little? She’s a true revelation. Together, they are magical. They are quite the quirky duo, not because of any outstanding idiosyncrasies but because they are a movie couple who are very much completely, totally and genuinely in love; there is never a moment where we feel as though they might EVER fall apart or break up. They are utterly believable and perfectly matched.

3. Sang-hyun & Tae-ju
Song Kang-ho & Kim Ok-vin
THIRST (2009) dir. Park Chan-wook

Priest Sang-hyun: I wanted to live with you forever and ever. Together again in Hell then.

Park Chan-wook. His Vengeance Trilogy. If you're not familiar already, get there.

His stab at the eternally popular vampire romance, Thirst revolves around Catholic priest and frequent hospital volunteer, Sang-hyun (Song Kang-ho) so selfless that he submits himself to experimentation that necessitates he be subjected to the near-guaranteed fatal Emmanuel Virus in hopes of helping the scientists get closer to manufacturing a vaccine. He, of course, succumbs to the disease but after a blood transfusion makes what can only be described as a miraculous recovery. The transfusion and tainted blood used therein somehow results in Sang eventually discovering that he has become an undead creature of the night complete with all the traditional drawbacks. Immediately, his entire world is thrust into turbulent upheaval. Not only is he overcome with an insatiable bloodlust but if he refuses to feed, the effects of the EV virus begin to resurface and he suffers immeasurably (the EV virus takes you out in pretty gruesome way). A terrible pickle for a man of the cloth to be in, to say the least. And blood isn't the only thing he begins to lust after...

Performing his routine priestly duties at the local hospital, Sang is reunited with a childhood friend, Kang-woo, a sickly mama's boy and his wife, the initially timid and sheepish Tae-ju (Kim Ok-vin). In secret, Sang and Tae-ju quickly devlop and consumate their slow-burning mutual crush then resolve to eliminate her spouse from the equation (this plot point being based very loosely on the novel Thérèse Raquin by Émile Zola) and escape the abuse and apparent omniscience of Tae-ju's overbearing mother-in-law. The story takes a number of odd and darkly comedic turns from there, none of which I want to spoil. Ok-vin, sexy but not quite all there, is the real find here and the performance to watch. A former beauty queen in her native South Korea, who figured she'd have this sort of range? Her transformation from kookily docile and reluctantly subservient housewife to overwhelmingly confident, remorseless and ruthlessly efficient murderess is a treat to witness and a joy to behold. I once wrote of their relationship:

"This is about as dysfunctional a relationship as you're likely to see this side of Secretary, Punch Drunk Love, True Romance, Natural Born Killers and The Shape of Things combined. Toss in the quandary of a man of the cloth being forced to kill not only to satisfy his uncontrollable and newfound bloodlust but to keep a very ugly and fatal disease at bay and you've got the recipe for quite the quirky and shocking "vampire" movie. And all of that is before you add the complications that murder, cover-ups and an already-disturbed secret lover who suddenly develops a God complex tends to cause."

2. Ryan & Alex
George Clooney & Vera Farmiga
UP IN THE AIR (2009) dir. Jason Reitman

Natalie: How does it not cross your mind that you might want a future with someone? You’re an asshole. Don’t you think it’s worth giving her a chance? A chance at something real. Can you stop condescending for one second or is that one of the principles of your bullshit philosophy? The isolation, the traveling…is that supposed to be charming? It’s a cocoon of self-banishment. Screw you. You have set up a way of life that basically makes it impossible for you to have any kind of human connection. And now this woman comes along and somehow runs the gauntlet of your ridiculous life choice, comes out on the other end smiling just so you can call her ‘casual’? *I* need to grow up? You’re a 12-year old!

The one word you see in nearly every review used to describe Up in the Air (adapted from Walter Kirn's 2001 novel of the same name) is "timely." Upon first viewing, it is bound to resonate but not just because of today's global financial meltdown and the current economic climate. For me personally, it's because of my age and where I am in my life, the benefit of having a variety of life-changing experiences and a different outlook on how not only people and the world-at-large works but my relationships with them as well. Make no mistake, Up in the Air is as much about human interaction and detachment as it is about corporate layoffs and the many people such events affect. More than any other pair I've described previously, I probably relate to Ryan and Alex the most. Their dilemmas are my own, their attitudes are immediately familiar and the way in which they go about relating to one another instantly strikes a chord.

Only Jason Reitman's third feature (Thank You For Smoking and Juno being the first two), Up in the Air's central character, Ryan Bingham (who might come off as completely unlikeable if he weren't portrayed by the unmistakably suave and debonair George Clooney) loves his job. Or maybe he doesn't love it. But he's great at it and he does love the fact that it requires him to be everywhere except for his one bedroom "home" in Omaha, Nebraska, an idea that he visibly abhors ("Make no mistake, moving is living," he preaches during one of his seminars, a secondary gig of his). On the road or in the air in excess of 270 days a year, it is Ryan's duty to terminate employees when their own bosses lack either the time, inclination or simply the courage to do so themselves. Following him around, at first, his life doesn't seem all that bad: luxurious hotel rooms, his meals and cars paid for and he accumulates an obscene amount of frequent flyer miles and preferred customer perks at a sickeningly alarming rate. Things look up even more when Ryan meets his female mirror image in a hotel VIP lounge one evening in the form of Alex Goran (Vera Farmiga), a fellow corporate traveler who has no qualms about being Ryan's "casual" lover as they hook up all over the country whenever time and geographic location permits. "I'm the girl you don't have to worry about. Think of me as yourself...but with a vagina," she intimates at one point. I'd like to think that to most men, that's music. They're not necessarily in love or even looking for that in one another, but it is a mature and controlled sort of lust that perhaps only the over-30 crowd wouldn't have difficulty understanding.

But just when we settle into what Ryan does for a living and he gets us comfortable with his life and his personal philosophies, (not to mention his total no-strings-attached "relationship" with Alex) he's called back to home base in Omaha and informed that his very own job might be in jeopardy. At least, in its current state. Thanks to a hand-raising Harvard graduate and new efficiency expert named Natalie Keener (Twilight's Anna Kendrick, who right away exudes a too-smart-for-her-own-good smarminess and stuck-up prissiness), Ryan's firm has decided, on her suggestion, to eviscerate their travel expenses by eighty-five percent by grounding their employees and having them do their firings via video conferencing. This decision couldn't come at a worse time for Ryan who not only has a good thing going with his new friend Alex but is achingly close to reaching a mysterious traveling milestone that he desperately wants achieve. He appeals to his boss (Jason Bateman) by citing Natalie's inexperience and unfamiliarity with what it is they do for a living so an accord is reached: Ryan is allowed to stay on the road a little longer...but only long enough to show Natalie the ropes. Ryan makes it very clear that he vehemently opposes the idea of firing by "iChat" but what he doesn't seem to realize is that his own selfish "life choice" shuts the very people who should be most important to him out of his life and denies them the dignity he's so adamant about protecting and giving others in very much the same way. When he finally comes to this realization and decides he needs and wants this connection, the movie takes an interesting and believe it or not, unexpected detour.

Kendrick, not surprisingly, earned herself a Best Supporting Actress nod at this year's Academy Awards, effectively portraying a seemingly confident go-getter but who ultimately shows herself to be riddled with self-doubt and who has a lot more heart and is more easily affected than she would like to let on. With her cold, emotionless and matter-of-fact delivery Natalie sees everything in black and white (her diatribe about her ideal mate and where she thought she'd be in life at 23-years old is priceless), is eager and smart but soon reveals herself to be every bit of her youthful 23 years and about as insecure and naive as someone that age can be. Who I can't get over, though, is Vera Farmiga (who is also nominated for Best Supporting Actress). After years of having seen nothing special about her in The Departed, Joshua and Orphan (but, of course, I thought little neophyte ingenue Isabelle Fuhrman acted circles around everyone in that...), I can't get her classy performance out of my head. Not a conventional beauty by any stretch of the imagination, she still manages to be a ravishingly sophisticated and drop dead sexy woman who wrings more from my heart with her knowing glances and shrugs, sage wit, worldly observations and an air of earned self-confidence than ten Angelina Jolies and Megan Foxes could with their over-inflated lips and other assorted body parts. To say that she's simply "beautiful" in this performance gives the word "beauty" too much credit.

1. Tom & Summer
Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Zooey Deschanel
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER (2009) dir. Marc Webb

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything:

Summer: I've never told anybody that before.

When I first saw (500) Days of Summer I thought the following moment would sum up Tom and Summer's relationship (and maybe even a few of my own):

Summer (innocently coming to a troubling realization): All we do is argue...

Tom (instantly indignant): THAT. IS. BULLSHIT!!!

But upon further retrospection, the scene that most accurately depicts these two (and once again, perhaps any relationship) is when Tom is invited to Summer's house for a party. The screen splits into two when he arrives, one side showing Tom's 'expectations' and the other, 'reality.' And at no point do they ever perfectly align. Such are relationships, such is life. I wish we could all look back at our own experiences with the benefit of such a tool. I think most of us would be very surprised at what we saw. Tom's problem is that he, unfortunately, lacked the ability to make the separation.

The film feature debut for music video director Marc Webb, (500) Days of Summer gives us a shuffled timeline of nearly eighteen months in the relationship of Tom Hagen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), an aspiring architect who currently works writing greeting cards and the new administrative assistant at his job, Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel). We are told from the start that while it is a classic story of "boy meets girl" that "it is not a love story." In fact, the first day we're shown is Day 488, the day that Summer and Tom break up, so we know from the onset that their relationship is ultimately doomed. What we don't know is how they got there. And even though we know the eventual destination, we still root for them the entire journey anyway.

Gordon-Levitt (Brick, Mysterious Skin and The Lookout) is a hopeless romantic. If I had to compare him to an animal, it would undoubtedly be a puppy: emotionally enthusiastic and "all-in" but once whipped, he's wounded and hurt. But not to the point where he hates his master and can't be won back with the smallest amount of attention. It's these personality traits that make his irrational obession with Summer the worst of ideas. Summer is his polar opposite. She doesn't believe in love and doesn't want anything even remotely resembling a serious relationship. She's eccentric, a little spacey and lives in the moment. The movie even dedicates a short montage of flashbacks and supporting data in an attempt to, unsuccessfully, explain the phenomenon of Summer's logic-defying appeal. How they manage to pair up, in and of itself, actually defies logic but pair up they do. And one could say that Summer strings Tom along, fully aware of how he feels about her but I suppose the case can be made that Tom is equally responsible because he also knows Summer's stance from the very beginning. But he, of course, ignores it and tries, through the sheer force of his will and determination, to change her mind and make Summer feel for him what he feels for her. As we already know, it doesn't work.

While this movie does employ its fair share of funny gimmicks and slick camera trickery (the musical number, complete with an animated bird set to Hall & Oates after Tom and Summer's first night of intimacy springs to mind, as well as Tom imagining himself as the star of a depressing black-and-white French New Wave extistentialist movie after their breakup), the jumping around and back-and-forth through time isn't one of them. It's a device that more or less acts as a meditation on how fallible the human memory is. Repeat viewings will show that because this tale is told from Tom's point of view that things aren't always as they seem and not always quite as he remembers them. Many apparently happy moments and events he recalls fondly are an illusion or rather, he ignores what's really going in favor of what he wants to see. That might be why we don't see Deschanel's mysterious character fleshed-out as much as we'd like or fully understand Summer's subtle changes. This is why her punch-in-the-gut revelation to Tom regarding the nature of their relationship on that park bench near the end is so bewildering; we, like Tom, never see it coming.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. After seeing this you, along with Tom, will understand why. There's a lesson to be learned in the losing.

Friday, July 03, 2009 

The Mid-Year Top Ten

I haven't done this since 2005.

10. Jayden Jaymes (Monster Curves 3, Pornstars Like It Big 5)

If there’s one thing that can be said about me, it’s that I have an irresistible and uncontrollable attraction to the wrong women. And make no mistake, Jayden Jaymes is THE wrong woman. Any pornstar cliché you can think of, Jayden wears it well and it likely fits her as snug as a pair of Kanye West’s skinny jeans. However, this vapid, materialistic and self-important drama queen has the goods onscreen and really, that’s all that matters. With her photogenic face and prototypical pornstar body, she correctly came to the conclusion that she is entitled to be porno royalty and she’s not only eager but ready, willing and able to wear the crown.

9. Asa Akira (FornicAsian, Too Small To Take It All)

So perfect it appears specially handcrafted by the good Lord himself, it seems almost sacrilegious to put Asa’s mischievous mega-watt smile and equally glowing personality ahead of her fantastic body when it comes to naming all the things I love about her. The only thing keeping Asa from breaking into the top five is that most find her sexually unadventurous (read: no anal, no IR). She’s constantly and consistently on her game but it’s her game’s limitations that currently frustrate even her most loyal followers. It looks like we may have another graduate of the Nautica Thorn School of Fucking on Film.

8. Julia Ann (Busty Housewives 2, MILF Next Door 4)

After spending nearly the entirety of her career as a contract girl at Wicked Pictures where anal and interracial sex materialized about as often as heterosexual American Idol winners, a newly-invigorated and contract-free Julia Ann re-emerged this year and this incarnation seems as down to fuck a guy who sleeps on a park bench covered in newspapers as she was to screw Brad Armstrong and Randy Spears in five features a year. I, for one, welcome the sudden change in direction. Until now, watching a Julia Ann scene was always akin to the lingering frustration and regret of not really fucking your first girlfriend as good as you think you should have.

7. Priya Rai (Big Wet Tits 8, Filth Cums First 4)

After a less than stellar start and my predictions of an early porno “death” for her, Rai eventually settled in and shattered every single one of my expectations of her and finds herself in this placement on my personal mid-year list. Somewhere along the way, her eyes got opened and her performances underwent a complete 360. It was like witnessing the Red Sea part, looking down and seeing the sand was made of gold, brown sugar, bacon and all red gummy bears. These days, even if some fans find it annoying, Priya lets it ALL hang out on camera and has added squirting to her repertoire which keeps her constantly booked and calling her own shots on shoots.

6. Isis Taylor (Black Assassin 5, Every Last Drop 9)

You’ve got to like the buzz currently surrounding this Peruvian/Scottish/Israeli newbie. I get more emails commenting or asking about Isis than I got condolences when my grandfather passed away. Without doing a single thing, Taylor’s so hot I feel like I should slather my skin in sun block before watching her fuck. I almost wish she would STOP working because my cock and right hand both need a breather. If it’s not too early to start mentioning it, she has to undoubtedly be leading the pack of girls most likely to be robbed of a Best New Starlet nomination in January. For right now, pencil her in.

5. Mason Moore (Rack It Up 3, Sweet Cheeks 11)

Right now, Mason Moore versus nearly any male performer will turn out an affair as lopsided as Bobby Brown’s hair during the “Every Little Step” days. Mason is a dominator who either leaves her male co-stars so impressed that they offer her THEIR phone numbers when the cameras stop rolling or running down to their local courthouse to file “hit and run” charges against her after they regain consciousness.

4. Charley Chase (Deep in Latin Cheeks 3, Juicy Latin Coochie 2)

She blows guys like she’s got a severe protein deficiency, has perhaps porn’s most telegenic tits and though her androgynous name might lead you to believe she’s part of the male cast, believe me when I say Charley Chase is ALL woman, proving it more and more with each passing performance. Were I a director that had to shoot her, I’d make sure I covered my entire set in plastic beforehand: to catch all the assorted fluids that inevitably fly whenever she does her thing and to more easily dispose of her partner’s body when everything is said and done.

3. Angelina Valentine (Head Master 3, Throated 17)

Adult’s deepest throat just might be the sexiest and most voracious tattooed brunette performer to EVER grace our screens not named Katrina Kraven. Mind you, Valentine is in possession of just as many performance limitations as talent I criticized earlier but my dad always told me, ”you don’t step over a dollar to pick up a nickel” and Angelina is a fuckin’ C-note. She doesn’t do much but what she does do, she does so well it makes her peers resemble so much loose change.

2. Ava Rose (Apple Bottomz 6, Battle of the Asses)

One of porn’s oldest yet constantly recurring stories is that of the contract girl released back out into the gonzo wild, unfettered, unshackled, rejuvenated and suddenly putting on the sorts of performances that wins her legions of new fans and makes her old admirers fans all over again. Finally free of Adam & Eve and dragging so much junk in her trunk these days that her ass is literally taking up entire box covers, Rose is red-hot and her resurgence might have even possibly been the impetus that convinced baby sis, Mia, to come out of “retirement” to join her. The Roses have played a pivotal role in restoring balance to the Force.

1. Kristina Rose (Pornstar Workout, Teenage Spermaholics 6)

Sometimes a performer’s ascent seems almost predestined...preordained, as if arranged by a higher power. I still remember meeting and getting to hang out with Kristina Rose before she was KRISTINA ROSE and I saw her potential firsthand immediately. Once she was actually out of the gate, a constant stream of Rose-related fanboy hyperbole made me back off of her a bit; with the slim pickings currently strewn about the current adult landscape it felt more like fans needed someone, anyone to latch onto and MAKE the next “one.” But certain facts cannot be denied. Kristina is a “throwback” of sorts to “real” pornstars and is perhaps porn’s current most solid all-around performer. Regardless of the reasons, this “Dirty Girl” is the queen until further notice.

Sunday, June 07, 2009 

I Feel Like...Bustin' Loose

If there is one truism in the adult industry, it is that you can count on there never being a shortage of eager, young female talent; some chomping at the bit to make a name for themselves, others wanting nothing more than to avoid notoriety and remain under the radar so as not to arouse the suspicion of family and friends while they obtain a quick financial jumpstart. Girls rush this sordid sorority for any number of reasons and just as often make unceremonious exits for reasons equally as complicated. But for as many women who find themselves carelessly careening on the most uncaring carousel of California's flesh circus, only once in a great while is the business blessed with a talent that is utterly and truly unique.

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete and everything after you bears your mark."

Whether currently active or enjoying "retirement" there are only a handful of names that still evoke strong reactions and fond memories whenever they are mentioned. Of course, the Vanessa Del Rio's and Nina Hartley's go without saying. But in this millennium alone we've had our share of personalities who will likely be remembered as legendary. Belladonna. Taylor Rain. Ariana Jollee. Jenna Haze. Sasha Grey. If porn were sports, its pornstars "sexual athletes" and you were one of their peers, these are the names that you would undoubtedly feel honored to be mentioned amongst. These are the Larry's, Magic's and Jordan's of their field during their era.

The field becomes even narrower when you focus on a single genre. For me, my predilection has always been to lean towards the more buxom and busty end of the spectrum. If porn has never hurt for fresh faces, it's suffered even less for a magnificent and endless procession of extraordinary breasts (this list expands exponentially if we venture beyond these shores). Whether natural (Charley Chase, Sativa Rose), artificially enhanced (Carmella Bing, Velicity Von) or downright dubious (Amy Ried), we've seen our fair share of some truly amazing tits in recent years. Fantasies in the flesh, they are the reason we watch porn in the first place: impossibly beautiful, cartoonishly built and the filthiest of fucks who do the dirtiest things we can only dream about to their lucky castmates. But if I had to narrow it down to five sets that completely changed the landscape, dominated the market and stole every box cover once they were unveiled, they would be:

5. Cassandra Calogera ('07) - The "newest" star on my list, this is a girl I once called the "future" of this specialty scene. If fucking were an organized sport and the powers-that-be were looking to aggressively market their best and brightest to attract new fans, Calogera (The Naughty Cheerleaders Club) would already have a variety of million dollar endorsements with Nike kicking off a campaign of clever commercials featuring a puppet version of herself (Hell, she and Jenna Doll could have been the Kobe/Lebron of the genre but Doll subtracted herself from the equation when she proved to be practically allergic to semen).

In Big Wet Tits 6 (Elegant Angel, 2008), I noted: "Number one, her eyes are simply mesmerizing. I find it nearly impossible to look directly into them and not be hopelessly and helplessly entranced. Secondly, her mouth is a marvel; perfect, pouty and the more I see of it, just plain perversely passionate when it’s got a prick trapped between her fantastically full lips."

4. Natasha Nice/Whitney Stevens ('06) - Immediately breaking my own rules, I couldn't narrow the list down to simply five because I couldn't, in good conscience, bring myself to leave either of these cuties off of it. Just when the big bust market was in danger of starting to sag and become stale, these two soft-skinned doe-eyed ingénues, neither old enough to legally purchase alcohol at the time of their debuts, burst onto the scene with shy smiles, drool-worthy and full floppies and injected new blood into a niche that for the two previous years had been in an unrivaled and undeniable stranglehold by the three women below. Catch them both in Jonni Darkko's BOOB BANGERS 4 (Evil Angel, 2007).

3. Sara Stone ('04) - "She's always struck me as someone who has lots of energy but rarely puts it to good use. I've never found anything she does particularly exciting or in any way above average but I have to admit to liking Sara Stone (Young Ripe Mellons 8, Big Titty Woman 2), at least physically."

A somewhat tame and tepid performer at best (with no interracial or anal sex in her repertoire to speak of, either), Sara nonetheless managed to amass a fan base as sizeable as the mounds on her chest strictly on the strength of those glorious globes and a smile capable of simultaneously melting your heart and sending enough blood to your crotch to stiffen your nether regions and loosen your grasp on your wallet. She retired briefly in '07 only to return in late '08/early '09, much to the delight of big boob connoisseurs everywhere.

2. Brandy Talore ('04) - I first caught the adorable and lusciously thick Brandy when she was just doing the nude modeling and solo masturbation thing for SCORE magazine. When she made the decision to finally make the leap to hardcore (beginning with Lethal-Hardcore's BUILT FOR SEX 2), I was ecstatic...that is, until I saw her first few performances. She was pretty boring to watch to say the very least and I soon and often wondered if all my excitement was for naught. With time, though, came slight but steady improvement. Fortunately for her fans today, the timid newbie with the super natural chest is long gone and in her place stands a spectacular 5-year veteran who has finally got her act down pat. Her best assets, to me however, are those fantastic nipples. Each one looks like a tremendous gooey gumdrop, begging to be pinched, tugged, licked, gnawed and creamed on. Those things are amazing.

1. Gianna ('04) - An indomitable force so immediately recognizable, so spectacular, she needs only a single name (even if she's been saddled with the last names "Michaels" and sometimes "Rossi" throughout her career). George Bernard Shaw has been attributed with saying, "The goal of an artist is to create the definitive work that cannot be surpassed." Well, if God can be called an artist, consider Gianna His definitive work.

Five-foot ten-ish and every inch of it all-natural and plush WOMANHOOD, Gianna (”G” For Gianna) consistently and constantly exudes a fun and playful vibe while simultaneously maintaining the appearance of a voracious and insatiable genuine thirst for sex during her scenes. She is by far, the most pro-active and energetic on-screen screw on this list. She can be smiling and laughing (and oh my, what a laugh it is) one second and then the minute a guy (or guys) finds her spot, she's suddenly staring a hole through them (directly into their SOUL, it seems at times) with a transfixing and seductively hypnotic gaze, intensely concentrating on getting herself off. And those otherworldly tits of hers just never stop bouncing, jiggling and/or swaying back and forth the entire time. She recently made the decision, after five-plus years of performing and Pavlov's dog-like salivating and boundless anticipation from her die-hard fans, to finally open up her backdoor in Elegant Angel's upcoming BIG WET ASSES 15.

I said of her performance in Martin Del Toro’s BANG MY TASTY TWAT (Platinum X Pictures, 2006): "She twists Chris Charming's cock as she strokes the nut up out of it and literally slurps it out right from the head of his dick. He, in turn, reacts like she just sucked his LIFE FORCE out. She EMPTIED him and left HIS legs shaking.

Then she laughed.

God, I love that bitch."

See what I mean in this clip from Devils Films’ Titty Worship

Wednesday, January 28, 2009 

Rock Steady

"I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home sick."

Spend any amount of time talking to me about movies and eventually I'm going to feel the need to bring up Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure what I'll say first or in what order I'll assemble my praise but an adulation shower will be forthcoming so have an umbrella handy. I'll talk about how his talent was basically unknown to me until he started doing movies because I was never a fan of "3rd Rock from the Sun." I'll praise his brave career choices and his opting to do small independent movies like "Mysterious Skin" and "The Lookout," marveling at how he somehow managed to embody such commanding screen presence growing up in the world of television sitcoms. And inevitably, I'll make my way to the hard-to-categorize whodunit, "Brick" (2005).

“Emily said four words I didn't know. Tell me if they catch."

The first thing people notice (and write about, and now I've somewhat inadvertently joined them) about Rian Johnson’s “Brick” is the language. "I gave you Jerr to see him eaten, not to see you fed," Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Brendan Frye says at one point. And even though it is during a somewhat heated argument between the two of them, even his assistant vice principal has to compliment him. “Nicely put." Brendan smugly gives credit where it is due: "Accelerated English." It is just that type of hard-boiled inside vernacular that teenagers use to block and insulate themselves from adults (and their multiple, rapidly-changing meanings) that actually set this whole tale in motion. After Brendan receives an unexpected, vague and panicked phone call from his ex-girlfriend and shortly thereafter finds her dead body, he begins his own private investigation, determined to make sense of her cryptic last call to him and find her killer.

"I need words."

JGL is a teenaged version of Jack Nicholson's gumshoe Jack Gittes in "Chinatown" just decidedly more deadpan and glum with a heap of intensity and attitude simmering just beneath the surface. Mostly an outsider aside from the only associate of his we see (appropriately nicknamed The Brain, who assists him in unraveling this mystery and with whom he shares some typically slick back-and-forth banter with), but Brendan isn’t necessarily ostracized. His loner status is completely voluntary. You get the impression that he willingly resides at the fringes of the pack because he feels he shares nothing in common with his peers. Or maybe he doesn't view them as his "peers" at all. He seems to understand in a very mature way that the cliques and parties and social circles and events don't matter in the long run but he still adheres to the hierarchy, politics, knows who's who, the various ins and outs, while standing back and at times, even appears slightly amused at how the puppet theater all plays out.

"The ape blows or I clam."

As far as the world Brenan inhabits, his high school isn't at all like Beverly Hills 90210 or even Dawson's Creek. Rather it is an unseemly and seedy, David Lynchian alternate universe where murderously criminal-minded kids run the local underworld; where “bulls” are cops, a “burg” is a town and a “yeg” is a tough and it's not uncommon to see students cutting backroom deals with the assistant vice principal (coincidentally portrayed by another famous private dick, "Shaft"'s Richard Roundtree). Only here could a student say the town’s drug kingpin is “supposed to be old…like 26” without a hint of irony and have it be taken with even a modicum of seriousness. Brendan navigates this somewhat unpredictable territory, filled with an assortment of sirens, jocks, bullies and burnouts, with a quiet and determined intensity and encounters all manner of Mickey Spillane and Raymond Chandler-like clichés. You’ll find, like the classic detectives of the past, he’s also capable and willing to mix it up physically when he has to, as well.

"You're a quite a pill. Why'd you take a powder the other night?"

The resident femme fatale, Laura (Nora Zehetner), exudes a natural and demure girlishness that belies her possible deadliness. Zehetner does a superb job of emulating the demeanor of vixens past, lowing her voice to a slow and deliberate, yet sophisticated and seductive muted whisper, making cryptic comments that hide ulterior motives and saying just enough to make you wonder if she really doesn't know anything or if her entire lexicon is just naturally filled with a library of unintentionally inviting double entrendres. Brendan isn’t so easily swayed and immediately identifies her as a potential liability. "I'm not heeling you to hook you. I. Can't. Trust. You. Brad was a sap, you weren't. You're with him, so you're playing him. So you're a player. With you behind me, I'd have to tie one eye up watching both of your hands. I can't spare it."

"Better stop meeting me in the open, too. I'm gonna start getting visible. I need you on the underneath.”

Rookie director Rian Johnson’s debut feature and tribute to noir set in a San Clemente, CA high school won the Sundance Film Festival’s Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision in 2005. Not only does it have style to burn but it’s a very dark and smart homage that stands on its own as opposed to being some run-of-the-mill indie movie where the young actors pretend to be grown ups and do adult-like things for the amusement of those who might familiar with the genre’s typical conventions. It would also be a great way to introduce a curious teenager to detective stories. And if you don’t believe that the kid from “3rd Rock from the Sun” can carry a movie or be a convincing leading man, brace yourself for a very pleasant surprise.