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Tuesday, May 09, 2006 

Delayed Satisfaction

Late-night softcore skin flicks are as American as promiscuity and fake tits. Who knew that adding three loose law enforcement agents would create such a classic guilty pleasure?

Move over Andy Sidaris.

Busty Cops is a rare find. It's a movie that's smart enough to know what it is and lampoon the conventions of other B-movies that might take themselves a bit too seriously. The cast includes not retired Playboy Playmates or Penthouse Pets past their prime but genuine hardcore porno stars. Among them: Sharon Wild, Maya Devine lookalike Angel Cassidy, Allysin Chaynes, Sunny Leone, Ashley Fires, Deanna Merryman, Kelli Summers and Seanna Ryan. And of course, while they are not the best actresses, they manage to accurately portray characters with names as absurd and humorous as Licka Lottapuss and Taluca Lake as realistically as one would expect.

One of the most telling and easily enjoyable parts of the movie isn't even included in the feature itself. During the end credits, an unseen female interviews two of the stars: hot and busty (duh!) brunette Nikki Nova and syrupy-voiced country bumpkin Katie James. Throughout, the girls give "serious" answers, mocking the cast, crew and the "high-end production values" of the "Oscar-worthy" free cable stroke flick they've just wrapped with their tongues planted firmly in cheek. I'm afraid the printed word may not do it justice but I had to transcribe it for prosperity's sake. I'd find it hard to believe that they scripted this interview but it's almost even more impossible to entertain the thought that these girls we think are airheads actually ad libbed their off-the-cuff, highly entertaining and witty answers. Enjoy.

Katie James: Hi, I'm Katie James and I'm playing Ashley, a Busty Cop.

Nikki Nova: I'm Nikki Nova and I'm playing Max, also I think at some point it's Maxie Overdrive, also a Busty Cop.

NN: Katie...she really...very, very just cute personality -- made everything so much fun. Great tits -- feel so natural. Not saying that they aren't, I'm just saying, you never know.

KJ: Well, I'm trying hard not to tear up but I've become really close to all the day players and everything in such a short time. The casting was of such quality that I'm at a loss for words. *Nikki leans over to comfort Katie* And I'm usually quite eloquent, aren't I? I really don't want this movie to end.

Interviewer: Now I know I didn't tell you what our budget was but what would you suspect the budget is based upon the huge production value of this movie?

KJ: Well, I heard rumors that it was more than WATERWORLD, the Kevin Costner movie. *Nikki busts out laughing off-camera* But that was hear-tell, you know whatever that word is...

I: Hearsay.

KJ: That's hearsay! I hear'd it, now I'm tellin' it! See, you can tell I'm from Alabama. *wistfully* Ah, you can take the girl outta the trailer...

NN: Chloe. Don't know her real name (she's referring to the third Busty Cop, Digital Playground exclusive contract performer, Jesse Jane). Booty for days. Really. You just wanna fuckin' slap it and bite it and rub it... Yeah, Jesse. Mmmm.

I: How did you feel about your director?

NN: He's brilliant. I really don't know how else to sum it up. Very intense. Husky. Very husky. A real husky fellow.

KJ: Renaissance man. Very nuturing, I have to say. His mind is so fertile...

NN: Fertilizes a lot of things. Manure. A lot of manure.

I: Nikki, I noticed you really know how to handle a gun. Why is that?

NN: Umm...I thought we weren't going to bring up my past?

I: Well, I know I promised but...

NN: That's a touchy subject because I would just like to say at this point, too, that nothing was ever proven. And I just think it's good for a lady to have some protection.

I: Do you expect to win an Oscar for your performance in Busty Cops?

KJ: *covers her mouth, embarrassed* Oh! Ha ha. Oh, stop! I really shouldn't -- well, yes.

I: Who is your favorite person on the crew?

NN: *thinks* Hmm...I'm gonna have to say my boy, Langston [the boom operator]. Yeah.

I: What about Langston turns you on?

NN: Love the chocolate. He works that boom like - like no man.

I: I bet you could work that boom like no woman.

NN: You know it, baby.

I: What was your favorite location to shoot in on this film?

KJ: The Fortress of Bustitude, absolutely! The money that went into that, just constructing it from the ground up...just to make things more real. The director and the producer said, "Money isn't an issue."

I: Anybody on the set that you'd like to fuck that you haven't?

NN: Maybe just Langston. *Nova seductively eyes Langston who is off-camera, holding the boom. She sucks her finger, licks her lips slowly, winks and blows him a kiss. We see the boom come into frame towards her open mouth as she leans her head back*

NN: And Hawaii! We had such a beautiful location in Hawaii. Got a helicopter ride there, too!

KJ: Yeah, I didn't even mind giving that pilot a blowjob.

NN: And that was awesome of you, by the way. Thank you.

KJ: You know, I did it for the team. Because we all wanted to see the island -- *whispers* it wasn't that big. (not sure if she's referring to the island or the pilot here)

I: Nothing but the best on our productions, I have to say. Helicopter rides...

KJ: I'm spoiled, I'm totally spoiled!

NN: No, honey, don't sell yourself short - you swallowed.

KJ: Well, okay, like I said, there's no "I" in "team."

I: What about our fantastic cinematographer, Herbie Bueno? What'd you feel about him?

NN: I think he's brilliant. But I don't know if he's legal.

I: Did you have sex with anybody on the crew?

KJ: *bashful* Pretty much everybody, that's why it's gonna be so hard to leave.

I: Who was your favorite?

KJ: *looks off-camera at someone* Uh...*embarrassed* What's your name again? *voice off-camera says "April"* April, by far!

I: What was it about April?

KJ: Cunnilingus: redefined!

I: So you think you and Langston are gonna hook up after the movie?

NN: I don't know, I don't think he has a car. But I have always fantasized about doing it on the bus. I love public places. Maybe Herbie Bueno can give us a ride in his Chevelle.

I: What're you gonna do when you leave this set today?

NN: I wanted to try to score some drugs maybe and make a little extra money while I'm in town. I heard you could make a lot of money on Santa Monica.

I: You need a penis there, though.

NN: *disappointed* Oh.

KJ: *whispers* You've got a strap-on...

NN: Strap-on? Yeah, a purple strap-on.

KJ: *still whispering* Maybe you shouldn't share that with everyone.

I: Try Sunset.

NN: Sunset? Yeah? Okay.

I: So you're just gonna go cop some drugs and go hook out?

NN: Yeah. And I st- took one of the badges off the set so if I do get pulled over, I'll pretend that I'm like, undercover, ya know?

KJ: She is SO in character. They'll believe her.

I: So is the badge the only thing you've stolen from this multi-million dollar production?

NN: *pause* What're you trying to say?

I: Tell me about those guns. Why do you have so many guns?

NN: I didn't say I had many, I said I had some. I have...*thinks* ...three registered. And eighteen that aren't.

I: So you have a bunch of illegal weapons, is that what you're saying?

NN: *annoyed* No, that's not what I'm saying. That's what you're trying to imply.

I: You don't happen to know anything about the six wallets that were stolen out of the Talent Room, do you?

NN: No, why? Did somebody say something?

I: One of the girls said that her entire makeup bag was missing. Are you sure you had nothing to do with that?

NN: *stands* No, you know what? This is fucking bullshit, okay? This interview is over as far as I'm concerned. Langston, honey, let's go find Herbie and get the hell outta here. *Nova walks off, leading Langston along by his belt, boom mic and all*

I: Katie, thank you so much. We really appreciate all your fine efforts on this film.

KJ: Thank you and I hope you enjoy the film. I know you haven't seen the final cut, I heard it's amazing.
*whispers* Are we finished? *stands and checks back pockets* Anybody seen my wallet? Nikki's gone? *runs out of the room* Hey Nikki! Wait! Herbie! Herbie wait!