Gethsemane to Golgotha

Unearthed: The Definitive Kristina Rose Interview

2011-08-19T18:16:00.001-07:00

First, let me apologize for it being an entire YEAR since my last update but something tells me that after this, you'll find it in your heart to forgive me. I haven't conducted a porn star interview since the Justin Slayer one FOUR years ago and while interesting and eye-opening, The Business is supposed to be all about the girls, right? Well, I happen to have been fortunate and blessed enough to have gotten ahold of THE girl in adult right now: Ms. Kristina Rose.

I contacted Kristina Rose back on CHRISTMAS DAY of LAST YEAR at the behest of a company that shall remain nameless to interview her for a magazine they were putting together for the upcoming AVN Awards Show and Adult Entertainment Expo. As with everything else in my life, things fell apart at the zero hour. But Kristina, trouper she is, kept her end of the bargain, regardless and was a gracious, humorous, candid, eloquent and extremely honest interview. What was originally intended to be a mere twenty questions on my part ballooned into what you're about to read. We've all seen the interviews in other magazines that almost seem as if they're either flat-out fraudulent, written by a man or that the subject isn't being themselves but instead a character. I assure you, that while Kristina Rose is a "character" in the best sense of the word for sure, this isn't a role she's playing. So without further adieu, I present to you CJ's Great Lost Interview with the One and Only Kristina Rose.

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CJ: What was your family life like? Do you consider your childhood happy? Would someone describe you as a wild or rebellious child?

KR: I think I grew up in a typical American family. My mother and father have been divorced ever since I could remember and they both remarried and had more kids. It was like I had two families. I felt lucky. Some kids only had one. I always remember being a happy child for the most part. I recall people saying I was shy, ambitious, unique and always daydreaming.

CJ: How old were you when you realized that, as far as your sexuality, that you were a little different from other girls your age? When did you lose your virginity? Do you remember it as being a good or bad experience?

KR: I think you always think you're different from everyone else when you first start discovering your sexuality. I don't necessarily think anyone really is though. I knew that my interest in sexuality at such a young age was a little different than most, but I think you always feel kind of weird about the whole thing no matter what age you discover your sexuality at.

I lost my virginity when I was 15 years old. I lost it to my little high school boyfriend whose wiener I named "The Walnut" because it looked like a third testicle. Needless to say, it wasn't a particularly thrilling experience and I didn't do it again until a year later. Ha, haa.

CJ: Was porn something you stumbled into or did you actually have aspirations on becoming a pornstar and sought out a way to get in the business?

KR: Porn was something that just kind of happened. Looking back now, I should have seen it coming. It was always around or involved in my life in some way or another. I have been a fan ever since the first time my dad told me not to watch channel 98 (black box porno channel circa 1994). I never really sought it out as an occupation. I just watched it, but after getting offer after offer and being such a big fan of it I decided to take the leap during a time in my life when I had nothing really going on. I needed to get another job so I could support myself and porn kept randomly coming up over and over again in my life so I decided to try it. It's not like I was a saint before I got in the biz so I figured why not get my jollies and pay my rent at the same time? It was the best decision I've ever made!

CJ: Why do you do porn, personally? Is it money or is there another driving, determining factor?

KR: This is that "which came first, the chicken or the egg" question. Obviously, the money is a big part of it. Anyone that says otherwise is an idiot and a liar. I was a slut before porn so it's not that I'm faking my sexuality. I just didn't really think I could get paid for that until I got offered to do porn. Then it just kind of made sense. Everything just came together. I love sex and I've always been fascinated by pornography and the different kind of sexual fetishes people have. I guess you could say I've always been sexual and the sexuality I exude got me the offers to do porn and the money is what got me to do porn and my natural sluttiness has made me a success in the game.

CJ: What do you like most about sex, on camera and off-camera? How would you describe your sex life off-camera?

KR: What I like about sex on camera is the game. We're all chasing after that perfect scene. When you do an amazing scene the feeling in the air is like a drug. Not just for the performers, but for everyone on set. It's electric! It gives you a high I could only imagine athletes and heroin addicts understanding.

My sex life off camera is very different from my sexual escapades on camera. In my private life when I have sex with someone there is usually feelings involved. I like certain things. I keep those things a secret. It's not that they're all very scandalous, it's just I like to keep some things private just for me. I can't give you guys everything. Some things I like to keep tucked away just for me and that's all I'm gunna say ;)

CJ: Despite being diminutive, you have an absolutely enormous personality. Do you feel as though men are intimidated by you?

KR: I don't feel like men are intimidated by me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that's part of my charm. I'm approachable. I'm that bario girl from around the way. The one you had a crush on but could still fart in front of.

CJ: Are you involved? What's the first thing you notice about a man? Would you be opposed to dating someone in the business?

KR: I'm seeing someone I like. The first thing I notice about a guy is his aura. I know that sounds weird, but I'm not a looks person. I always like people based off the vibes they give me, like how their presence changes the room. I am very opposed to dating within the industry. It's always a bad idea to shit where you eat.

CJ: I had the pleasure of meeting and kicking it with you at the end of '07, start of '08 when you were still brand new to The Business. Since then, I've watched your career literally explode in the following years: more box covers than I can count and eventually becoming Elegant Angel's Slutwoman . At what point did you personally feel as though you'd 'arrived' and weren't just another anonymous or disposable B-girl in the biz?

KR: For a long time I wouldn't allow myself to think I'm a big name or that I have "arrived". I was always afraid that if I admitted that, that it would all go away and I also feared becoming one of those girls that gets all big headed and refers to herself in the third person. Ha! I have always tried as much as possible to keep my feet on the ground and my head out of the clouds. But, I think after I got the "Slutwoman" title I felt the shift. It was an awkward feeling for me at first. I felt like if I acknowledged it that I would seem like one of those conceited girls I can't stand. I only just started allowing myself to embrace it as of recently. It's a good feeling and an odd feeling. People start to talk to you and treat you slightly different. In a good way and a bad way. I try to enjoy my accomplishments now rather than pretend they don't exist. It still makes me feel embarrassed when someone refers to me as a "big name" or whatever, but in a good way.

CJ: How do you deal with your current notoriety? When a fan recognizes you or stops you in public, how do you handle those situations? Are they flattering or creepy? How do you regard your online fans like ones who post obsessively about you on message boards or who follow you on Twitter? What do you think attracts your fans to you?

KR: It still feels weird to me when I get stopped at the airport or grocery store. I still can't believe people know who I am. Haa, haa. But I love it. Without my fans I wouldn't have the success I have now. You can give someone all the awards in the world and it doesn't mean shit, because at the end of the day it's the fans and people that buy our porn that matter. Sometimes fans are creepy. Sometimes they're sweet. It seems to be 50/50. I love all my fans. Those people are the people that pay my bills, in a way. They helped me gain the success I have now. I have nothing but love for my fans. Even the creepy ones. I think what attracts people to me is my realness. I don't care what people think of me. I don't pretend to be something I'm not. I'm not always put together just perfect like a model. I don't say what I should, I say what I feel and I don't hide behind an image my agent created for me. I am who I am take it or leave it and I think that's why people are attracted to me. I'm someone they can relate to because I have flaws. That and I think I just seem like a great lay. ;)

CJ: Who in the business do you admire or have a great deal of respect for? Who new do you see as having all the tools to go far or become the next big thing? Male, female or both. Do you watch your own scenes? Who is Kristina Rose's favorite porn star to watch?

KR: There's a lot of people I look up to and admire in the industry for different reasons. As a performer I've always really admired Annette Schwarz. She is one of those real people. There's no one like her. I also look up to and admire [Elegant Angel directrix] Mason . Her vision and how she captures scenes is amazing. She ignites something in every performer that she shoots. Porn is lucky to have her because in my opinion she's way beyond us. I also admire Belladonna as a performer and business woman. I like that she just does her and that's it. Take it or leave it. I admire Alexis Texas for the same reason.

For a while I've thought Asa Akira is one of those girls that was going to be the next big thing. I was bugging William H. [director at Elegant Angel] and Mason for the longest time telling them how great Asa is and that I thought she had something special. I also think Andy San Dimas is another girl to keep your eye on. As well as Ashli Orion. Ashli is one of the most underrated performers in the game. She deserves a lot more props.

I do watch my own scenes. I always have. I like to see what the finished product looks like and also I like to see why something got a good review or a bad review. If you don't watch your scenes I think you're really missing out on an opportunity to see how you can do your job better. I also like to jerk off to my favorite scenes from time to time. My favorite performer to watch is still Annette Schwarz. She's still my favorite.

CJ: Now be completely honest here and this is in no way meant to disregard or disrespect Tori Black's accomplishments but did you feel as though you should have won AVN's Performer of the Year last year? I mean, is that not a personal goal or is it for you, as a lot of people like to say, 'just an honor to be nominated'? I feel as though you're a strong front runner again this year so obviously not winning didn't diminish your value and it's rare for someone to have two such similarly strong years back-to-back like this.

KR: I did feel slightly snubbed last year because I didn't win ANYTHING I was nominated for and I (literally) busted my ass all year long, haaa, haaa, but it is what it is. We all want to win. We all think we were the best. We all want awards. The real winning is being nominated at all and that's what I try to remember.

CJ: Chemistry between stars is important. Who do you find sexy or feel you have the best onscreen sex with?

KR: Without even having to think, I know I have the best onscreen chemistry with Manuel Ferrara. I don't know what it is. There's just something about us. We just have something. Personally, we are very different people. But as soon as that camera is on it's like no one else in the world exists. We devour each other like animals and every time just gets better and better. Every scene I do with Manuel trumps the last. Sometimes I feel like maybe we were lovers in a past life or something. We just have a weird connection that neither of us can explain. I stopped trying to analyze it a long time ago and now I just enjoy it from time to time when I get the chance to work with him.

CJ: Seeing Sasha Grey's crossover/mainstream success and also being represented by Mark Spiegler (aka Shylock, Grey's agent), do you in any way envy her position or think that perhaps you can achieve the same things? Do you even want to? How much of your success do you attribute to his guidance?

KR: Mainstream success seems to be very important to a lot of girls. I never really paid too much attention to it, until more recently. After getting the opportunity to do a couple of mainstream projects I'm much more open to it now than I was a year ago. I like getting the opportunity to do something different. It's fun to break out of my comfort zone. I'm hoping this year that I'll get more opportunities to experience that.

I think Sasha Grey's success is very important for us girls in the industry whether you're trying for mainstream success or not. She is really showing the world that there is more to some of us porn girls than just the typical stereotypes people have about the industry.

I attribute a lot of my success to Spiegler. He really is a genius. I told him what my goals were when I first got with him and his guidance and connections have gotten me the success I was trying to attain. Spiegler is the most talented agent in the game. There's no question about it. I have big dreams for myself and it's no accident that I chose Mark Spiegler to be my agent. I know he is the one that can help me make my dreams a reality, because he already has.

CJ: In a land of fake blondes and even faker big tits, do you ever feel self-conscious about your looks or your body in any way? Is there anything that you would change? Is there anything anyone has ever pressured you to change?

KR: I feel more comfortable in my body now more than I ever have before. When I first got in the business I was told by many people that I would never be a big name because I didn't have the right "look." I never understood that and I went out of my way to prove people wrong. I wouldn't change one thing about my body. I love my body. If I wanted boobs I could have them, but then I wouldn't be me. I like me and I only want people to like me for me. From time to time someone will say something about my body or something I "should" change, but those people are usually idiots, so I just disregard them. I like how I look. I would fuck me and I have 40,000 followers on Twitter that feel the same way. ;)

CJ: Do you enjoy it when people praise your physical charms, such as your butt?

KR: Of course! It's feels good to be told you're pretty.

CJ: Porn is notorious for being known as a somewhat competitive, cutthroat environment, especially amongst the female talent. Clear the air on that: are women in the business generally supportive of one another or are they catty and manipulative? Have you ever had a feud or major disagreement with anyone?

KR: Women in the industry go both ways, but I will say that there are very few girls that have enough confidence to be supportive of other girls in the industry. Porn is not a team sport. It's every girl for herself. At the end of the day we're all trying to be the best, get the most work, get the best reviews, win all the awards etc. That's just how it is. I always admired the girls that went out of their way to help me out or clue me into things about the industry. I always wanted to be that girl rather than the kiss you in the face kick ya in the ass type. I think I've done a good job at that. What most girls don't think about is that although porn is not a team sport on the surface underneath all the competitive shit, it is. I feel like as women in this industry we should stick together but, that's easier said than done. Unfortunately, until women get over this lack of confidence and jealousy bullshit we'll always be one step behind the men.

As far as feuds and disagreements with other girls in the industry, yeah, I've had and still have beef with some girls. If you're a woman in the industry it just goes without saying that you've had at least one beef with one girl at sometime during your career. There's so many different types of people in this business, you're bound to run into a couple of idiots.

CJ: Fans always assume that everyone in The Business knows everyone else in The Business but we both know nothing could be further from the truth, even if The Business is, for the most part, a small and tight-knit fraternity; a band of outlaws, if you will. But please, take some time to describe your relationship with Alexis Texas.

KR: Alexis Texas and I have a very special bond. Words can't really describe it. Anyone that knows us knows that and Mason really captured it well in our movie "Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman." I think that even if we weren't involved in the industry that we would have found each other somehow. I recall the first time I really met her was on set for her first Buttwoman movie. Something just clicked on set that day and we've been best friends ever since. We're so different yet so much alike. A lot of people think it's funny that we're so close because we're so different. I feel like we balance each other out in a weird way. We have this unspoken understanding about things. I know she can look at me and know exactly what I'm feeling and I feel the same way towards her. What I have with Alexis is very special. I've never had a bond like that with someone before. I've had close friendships but this goes beyond that. It's a friendship, a love affair and a family all rolled into one girl that just so happens to have the most amazing ass I've ever seen. I love that girl.

CJ: What would you say to a young girl who watches you now and wants to do what you do? Do you feel your sexuality has empowered you or makes you a positive role model?

KR: That's always a question I have a hard time answering. Porn isn't for everyone. It's a lot harder than it looks. You really have to be a certain type of person to be able to do this job and be successful. I feel like porn has really taught me a lot about myself not just sexually, but (I know this is gunna sound so hilarious and corny buuut) I feel like I have learned a lot about life because of my involvement in the industry. I didn't really fully know who I was when I got started in the business and I can say now that I have a good idea who I am and I like the person that I have become. If you want to do porn I would suggest really thinking about it. Take your time. Because once you do it, you can never take it back. Your life does change. I've seen it turn out good and I've seen some people fall down a dark path. I've done both. The best advice I could give a girl that is thinking about doing porn is really think about the pros and cons and always go with your gut.

CJ: Finally, what would you say to porn's detractors? Those that think it objectifies women, that it takes the beauty out of sex or worse yet, that it is nothing more than legalized prostitution and that you're going to burn in hell for even participating?

KR: You're entitled to your opinion, but I would have to disagree at least for me. When I first got into the industry my self-confidence was as low as it could get thanks to mainstream media. Now I'm more confident than ever. Porn has helped me see myself in a different light. Porn is what you make it. If you take it to a dark place it's gunna be dark and seedy. If you take it to a good place you could have an amazing experience like the one I've had. It's all up to the viewer. It's all up to you.

Mid-Year Top 10, 2010 (Sort Of)...

2010-08-02T19:02:00.000-07:00

I understand that this is the very definition of "a day late and a dollar short", being a month later than usual. But, admit it: this hasn't exactly been the best year for the business. Nor has there been many fresh new faces worth talking about; rising, glistening and shimmering, from an unfortunately, very shallow talent pool. So for right now, what you see is what you get...

10. Charley Chase
Watermelons 2, Round Latin Asses, Busty POV, Massive Asses 5

If it were physically possible for Cameron Diaz and Mila Kunis to produce an actual lovechild, the result might look like this Italian/Puerto Rican wildcat from Kentucky. At it for the better part of three years now, Charley Chase (a true triple-threat who loves interracial sex who is blessed with both huge God-given breasts and a round, wide ass) is finally starting to be appreciated by her peers and fans alike and without the inclusion of funnel-assisted, cum-gargling sexual circus acts to her repertoire. Her performances are all-natural and organic, the perfect complement to a body so booming from head-to-toe, it has landed her in nearly every genre, niche and fetish flick you can imagine.

@Thecharleychase

9. Kerry-Louise
Asslicious 2, Rack Jobs, Heels and Whores

Kerry-Louise is the best and current entry in a long and storied tradition of fantastically filthy birds from England coming Stateside to entertain US audiences with their own unique brand of debased and uninhibited, no-holds barred sexual acrobatics (but surprisingly, no anal). She brings with her a horny Lincolnshire accent, an over-the-top bedside manner, a larger-than-life personality to match her oversized proportions (32FF-24-34), enormous collagen-inflated DSLs and a tattoo (one of many) on the inside of her left bicep that reads, ”Act like a PRINCESS, Fuck like a Slut.” If that doesn’t tell you all you need to know about Kerry-Louise, nothing will.

@kerrylouisexxx

8. Juelz Ventura
Black Listed 2, Lex the Impaler 5, Rico the Destroyer 2

Once known as Layna Laurel, Juelz Ventura (the name she took on when she augmented her breasts in 2008 to a 32D from her formerly natural 32A's) was born in Brasilia, Brazil and raised in Oak Creek, WI. When she first leapt onto the hardcore scene, I'll admit that I paid her little attention and assumed she'd simply be the implanted version of her equally un-tame-able agency-mate, Andy San Dimas. Oh, how wrong I was. Not only is Juelz energetic and unintimidated, she doesn't shy away from Cock of Color, either which is, from where I'm sitting, always a plus.

@JuelzVentura

7. Amia Moretti
Teenage Pink POV 4, Just Over Eighteen 22, Jailbait 7

When you talk “teens”, I have to say that she, hands down, rules the roost from a performance standpoint. The girl can simply do no wrong. I once posted:

"Does Amia Moretti depress me about porn? Precisely the opposite, actually. This kid is one of the few performers today that gives me HOPE about girls in the business. Like many here, I couldn't care about her reasons for choosing to do it or her off-camera dealings; what she does on-camera is what concerns me and she's currently Top 10 material in my book when it comes to that.

The OP sounds more "depressed" about society in general and the factors that put a girl like Amia into the business than about porn itself. But if he IS worried about Amia in relation to fucking and sucking - don't even trip: she's got that shit handled."

@amiamiley

6. Jennifer White
Barely Legal 97, Schoolgirl POV 8, American Anal Sluts

The last girls that I can recall hitting the ground running this quickly, this effortlessly and had this kind of buzz amongst hardcore fans went by the names Taylor Rain and Bree Olson. And if you know who they are, then you know that if this is your profession, that's not bad company to be in. And if you've never seen Ms. White perform, it gives you a pretty good idea of what to expect when you do. Brace yourself.

@xJenniferWhitex

5. Gracie Glam
Starlets 2010, Cum Spoiled Brats, Jerkoff Material 5, Teen Glazing

Every so often, a new girl comes along that is just so naturally hypnotizing, there's no need for gimmicks or circus acts. You'd watch her do next to absolutely nothing and be perfectly willing to pay for the privilege. Remember Karina Kay? Penny Flame? Girls so magnetic, so full of personality that it didn't matter what they were doing or who they were doing it with, you wanted to witness it. Gracie Glam is one such girl. And those eyes?! If there were ever a set that deserved the designation of "bedroom", it's this pair.

@GracieGlam

4. Asa Akira
Swimsuit Calendar Girls 4, Asa Visits London

This Japanese Princess was Gonzo Royalty before she ever stepped foot on a set. Few can match her performances. Even fewer, her looks. If there’s any doubt, check Jules Jordan’s Invasian 4 and hit me back when you’re able catch your breath. When London Keys is the only other girl even CLOSE to being in her lane or satisfying fans of Asa's niche, that gives you an idea of how wide the gap truly is between her and the rest of the pack. R.I.P. to the competition. Asa Akira is Insatiable.

@AsaAkira

3. Kristina Rose
Bootylicious Girls, Buttwoman vs. Slutwoman

In my mind, Kristina Rose is the REAL reigning AVN Performer of the Year and still the girl to "beat" come January. Honestly, who else is in the running? Who poses a threat? Is there a better ALL-AROUND performer working that I don't know about? I doubt it. If there is any justice in the world, this will be her year.

@KristinaRosexxx

2. Mason Moore
Busty Housewives 4, Slutty and Sluttier 11

Don't let the old cliché' discourage you: sometimes judging a book by its cover can be a good thing. I knew from the minute I laid eyes on Mason Moore that she was something special and she has been one of the rare talents over the past five years who has actually managed to exceed my expectations. Her look (big fake tits, long nails, tattoos and piercings) will divide viewers down the middle as far as where they place their loyalty (and $$$) but if you can find a better PURE PERFORMER, regardless of the packaging, please email me. I don't think one currently exists. If AVN gave out a Most Improved Porn Star Award, Moore would and should be the only nominee.

@MASON_MOOREXXX

1. Sadie West
Angels of Debauchery 8, Pornstars Punishment 1

This is the first time in a long time that I've been stumped for a single word to describe a woman. Seriously - Webster is actually going to have to INVENT a new one because I went through the dictionary front to back and I still can't find a single one that fits "Psycho" Sadie West. Even more amazing is that Ms. West was once a New Sensations exclusive contract performer. Well, lemme be the first to tell ya: Ashlynn Brooke she ain't. This girl is an entertainer. She has yet to take the anal plunge (not really a prerequisite for my fanboi adulation nor adoration) but right out of the gate, she popped up in so many interracial titles once she put Scott Taylor's company in her rear view, I literally lost count and I started to wonder exactly why I never saw THIS Sadie while she was under contract. Because the REAL Sadie, the one we're getting now, attacks every single scene, regardless of whom it’s with, with such ferocious intensity that it's hard not to become instantly and seriously concerned for the poor girl's safety and sometimes even question her SANITY. Seriously, her onscreen histrionics are downright unhinged and frankly, a bit bizzare. I believe that if she wanted to, she could take over the world. I mean, if Jenna Haze could do it...

@Sadie_West

My Top Five Favorite Movie Couples of 2009

2010-01-31T13:56:00.000-08:00

5. Oskar & Eli
Kåre Hedebrant & Lina Leandersson
LET THE RIGHT ONE IN (2008) dir. Tomas Alfredson

Oskar: How old are you?

Eli: Twelve...more or less. What about you?

Oskar: Twelve years, eight months and nine days. What do you mean "more or less"? When’s your birthday? Are you really twelve?

Eli: Yes. It’s just I’ve been twelve for a very long time.

Based on John Ajvide Lindqvist’s novel of the same name, Låt den rätte komma in (Lindqvist also penned the screenplay which, unfortunately but understandably leaves out many of the more controversial elements of the source material), movies like this one make me thankful that vampire mythos and the inherent romance element that inevitably intertwines itself into the narrative isn’t confined to sensationalist or overly-angst-y American ideals, like HBO’s breakout hit “True Blood” or the increasing but inexplicable craze over Stephanie Meyers’ “Twilight” novels and subsequent movie franchise.

Here, the year is 1982 and the setting is a small snowy Stockholm suburb called Blackeberg where our protagonist, 12-year old Oskar (a very blonde, very pale and extremely gaunt Kåre Hedebrant) lives with a seemingly doting mother, who has divorced his alcoholic father. Routinely humiliated at school by bullies, Oskar is a bright but quiet child who is fascinated with death and forensics, keeping a scrapbook of newspaper clippings about crime and murders but who himself is not even remotely violent, to the point where he won’t even strike back at the tormentors who harass him almost daily. That is, until he meets Eli (Lina Leandersson), a fellow 12-year old girl and kindred spirit of sorts who overhears Oskar outside on their rusty playground, acting out his imaginary revenge with a small pocket knife. Eli has just moved in next door with her guardian Hakan, is never seen during daylight hours, seems unaffected by the bitter cold and quite frankly, always looks a little sickly and even dirty.

As their strange friendship blossoms, it becomes evident to Oskar that Eli is a vampire but to her surprise, he isn’t afraid of her. In fact, after a life of loneliness, isolation and solitude, she is his only friend. But with Eli and Hakan’s arrival comes a series of murders, which leads to whispers and paranoia amongst the town’s locals. Whether or not this is a straight ahead vampire/horror movie, a simple and subtle boy-meets-girl story or an understated coming-of-age tale is left to the viewer. A case can be made for all three but I personally prefer to think that, given the ending (a finale that would otherwise be judged as gory and extreme if it wasn’t so touching and sweet that you almost want to cheer), it is ultimately a pensive and deliberately paced yarn about how a vampire cursed with eternal life comes to, by total happenstance, recruit a new familiar (companion or servant who guards her during the day) with all of those other elements thrown in for good measure.

4. Burt & Verona
John Krasinski & Maya Rudolph
AWAY WE GO (2009) dir. Sam Mendes

Verona: Yeah, you’re right. It’s unfair that she can’t have a baby. And that bad parents still get to be parents. And good parents die when their daughters are in college. So what? Look, all we can do is be good for this one baby. We don’t have control over much else.

Unmarried long-time couple Verona De Tessant (SNL’s Maya Rudolph) and Burt Farlander (John Krasinski of NBC’s “The Office”) are two long-distance freelance writers who discover in a hilarious opening sequence (and one that deftly shows what banter would be like between two people who write for a living) that Verona is, unexpectedly, with child. When they share the news with Burt’s parents (Verona’s parents are deceased), in hopes that they’ll be willing and helpful grandparents, they are surprised to learn that the elder Farlanders have already made plans to move to Antwerp, Belgium...a month before the baby is even due. With nothing tying them to the place they currently live any longer, Burt and Verona set off on a cross-country trip to visit relatives and old acquaintances in an attempt to find somewhere suitable for them to start their new family and finally establish some much-needed roots.

However, this is not a road movie (Burt and Verona fly and take trains as well as drive). It’s an incredibly sincere and reserved romance helmed by Academy Award-winning director Sam Mendes (American Beauty) from an oft-times funny screenplay by real-life couple Dave Eggers (the well-known satirist makes his screenwriting debut here) and novelist Vendela Vida (which, I’m sure, accounts for the effortless chemistry between the fictional Burt and Verona). From Arizona to Wisconsin to Canada to Florida, Burt and Verona catch back up with their wildly and hilariously dysfunctional friends and family, none of them quite providing the right support system or environment in which they want to raise their newborn. In their turns especially, Allison Janney and Maggie Gyllenhaal’s encounters (in Phoenix and Madison, respectively) with Burt and Verona are an absolute riot: Janney as a loud-mouthed and mentally abusive mom/wife and Gyllenhaal as a New Age free-spirited hippie, Earth mother-type. The more realistic and sobering moments come from visits with Burt’s brother in Miami, whose wife has left him to raise their daughter alone and a trip to Montreal reconnecting them with college friends (Chris Messina and Melanie Lynskey) who, for as happy as they seem, heartbreakingly, cannot conceive.

I’m not sure who thought the pairing of Krasinski and Rudolph as the leads (especially considering both are pretty much famous for their supporting work) would be a wise idea but the casting director deserves a pat on the back and a hefty raise. Krasinski is the infinitely likeable, sweet and thoughtful everyman he has portrayed so well for many years now as Jim on “The Office” but who knew that Rudolph could be so soulful and mesmerizing, conveying so much yet saying so little? She’s a true revelation. Together, they are magical. They are quite the quirky duo, not because of any outstanding idiosyncrasies but because they are a movie couple who are very much completely, totally and genuinely in love; there is never a moment where we feel as though they might EVER fall apart or break up. They are utterly believable and perfectly matched.

3. Sang-hyun & Tae-ju
Song Kang-ho & Kim Ok-vin
THIRST (2009) dir. Park Chan-wook

Priest Sang-hyun: I wanted to live with you forever and ever. Together again in Hell then.

Park Chan-wook. His Vengeance Trilogy. If you're not familiar already, get there.

His stab at the eternally popular vampire romance, Thirst revolves around Catholic priest and frequent hospital volunteer, Sang-hyun (Song Kang-ho) so selfless that he submits himself to experimentation that necessitates he be subjected to the near-guaranteed fatal Emmanuel Virus in hopes of helping the scientists get closer to manufacturing a vaccine. He, of course, succumbs to the disease but after a blood transfusion makes what can only be described as a miraculous recovery. The transfusion and tainted blood used therein somehow results in Sang eventually discovering that he has become an undead creature of the night complete with all the traditional drawbacks. Immediately, his entire world is thrust into turbulent upheaval. Not only is he overcome with an insatiable bloodlust but if he refuses to feed, the effects of the EV virus begin to resurface and he suffers immeasurably (the EV virus takes you out in pretty gruesome way). A terrible pickle for a man of the cloth to be in, to say the least. And blood isn't the only thing he begins to lust after...

Performing his routine priestly duties at the local hospital, Sang is reunited with a childhood friend, Kang-woo, a sickly mama's boy and his wife, the initially timid and sheepish Tae-ju (Kim Ok-vin). In secret, Sang and Tae-ju quickly devlop and consumate their slow-burning mutual crush then resolve to eliminate her spouse from the equation (this plot point being based very loosely on the novel Thérèse Raquin by Émile Zola) and escape the abuse and apparent omniscience of Tae-ju's overbearing mother-in-law. The story takes a number of odd and darkly comedic turns from there, none of which I want to spoil. Ok-vin, sexy but not quite all there, is the real find here and the performance to watch. A former beauty queen in her native South Korea, who figured she'd have this sort of range? Her transformation from kookily docile and reluctantly subservient housewife to overwhelmingly confident, remorseless and ruthlessly efficient murderess is a treat to witness and a joy to behold. I once wrote of their relationship:

"This is about as dysfunctional a relationship as you're likely to see this side of Secretary, Punch Drunk Love, True Romance, Natural Born Killers and The Shape of Things combined. Toss in the quandary of a man of the cloth being forced to kill not only to satisfy his uncontrollable and newfound bloodlust but to keep a very ugly and fatal disease at bay and you've got the recipe for quite the quirky and shocking "vampire" movie. And all of that is before you add the complications that murder, cover-ups and an already-disturbed secret lover who suddenly develops a God complex tends to cause."

2. Ryan & Alex
George Clooney & Vera Farmiga
UP IN THE AIR (2009) dir. Jason Reitman

Natalie: How does it not cross your mind that you might want a future with someone? You’re an asshole. Don’t you think it’s worth giving her a chance? A chance at something real. Can you stop condescending for one second or is that one of the principles of your bullshit philosophy? The isolation, the traveling…is that supposed to be charming? It’s a cocoon of self-banishment. Screw you. You have set up a way of life that basically makes it impossible for you to have any kind of human connection. And now this woman comes along and somehow runs the gauntlet of your ridiculous life choice, comes out on the other end smiling just so you can call her ‘casual’? *I* need to grow up? You’re a 12-year old!

The one word you see in nearly every review used to describe Up in the Air (adapted from Walter Kirn's 2001 novel of the same name) is "timely." Upon first viewing, it is bound to resonate but not just because of today's global financial meltdown and the current economic climate. For me personally, it's because of my age and where I am in my life, the benefit of having a variety of life-changing experiences and a different outlook on how not only people and the world-at-large works but my relationships with them as well. Make no mistake, Up in the Air is as much about human interaction and detachment as it is about corporate layoffs and the many people such events affect. More than any other pair I've described previously, I probably relate to Ryan and Alex the most. Their dilemmas are my own, their attitudes are immediately familiar and the way in which they go about relating to one another instantly strikes a chord.

Only Jason Reitman's third feature (Thank You For Smoking and Juno being the first two), Up in the Air's central character, Ryan Bingham (who might come off as completely unlikeable if he weren't portrayed by the unmistakably suave and debonair George Clooney) loves his job. Or maybe he doesn't love it. But he's great at it and he does love the fact that it requires him to be everywhere except for his one bedroom "home" in Omaha, Nebraska, an idea that he visibly abhors ("Make no mistake, moving is living," he preaches during one of his seminars, a secondary gig of his). On the road or in the air in excess of 270 days a year, it is Ryan's duty to terminate employees when their own bosses lack either the time, inclination or simply the courage to do so themselves. Following him around, at first, his life doesn't seem all that bad: luxurious hotel rooms, his meals and cars paid for and he accumulates an obscene amount of frequent flyer miles and preferred customer perks at a sickeningly alarming rate. Things look up even more when Ryan meets his female mirror image in a hotel VIP lounge one evening in the form of Alex Goran (Vera Farmiga), a fellow corporate traveler who has no qualms about being Ryan's "casual" lover as they hook up all over the country whenever time and geographic location permits. "I'm the girl you don't have to worry about. Think of me as yourself...but with a vagina," she intimates at one point. I'd like to think that to most men, that's music. They're not necessarily in love or even looking for that in one another, but it is a mature and controlled sort of lust that perhaps only the over-30 crowd wouldn't have difficulty understanding.

But just when we settle into what Ryan does for a living and he gets us comfortable with his life and his personal philosophies, (not to mention his total no-strings-attached "relationship" with Alex) he's called back to home base in Omaha and informed that his very own job might be in jeopardy. At least, in its current state. Thanks to a hand-raising Harvard graduate and new efficiency expert named Natalie Keener (Twilight's Anna Kendrick, who right away exudes a too-smart-for-her-own-good smarminess and stuck-up prissiness), Ryan's firm has decided, on her suggestion, to eviscerate their travel expenses by eighty-five percent by grounding their employees and having them do their firings via video conferencing. This decision couldn't come at a worse time for Ryan who not only has a good thing going with his new friend Alex but is achingly close to reaching a mysterious traveling milestone that he desperately wants achieve. He appeals to his boss (Jason Bateman) by citing Natalie's inexperience and unfamiliarity with what it is they do for a living so an accord is reached: Ryan is allowed to stay on the road a little longer...but only long enough to show Natalie the ropes. Ryan makes it very clear that he vehemently opposes the idea of firing by "iChat" but what he doesn't seem to realize is that his own selfish "life choice" shuts the very people who should be most important to him out of his life and denies them the dignity he's so adamant about protecting and giving others in very much the same way. When he finally comes to this realization and decides he needs and wants this connection, the movie takes an interesting and believe it or not, unexpected detour.

Kendrick, not surprisingly, earned herself a Best Supporting Actress nod at this year's Academy Awards, effectively portraying a seemingly confident go-getter but who ultimately shows herself to be riddled with self-doubt and who has a lot more heart and is more easily affected than she would like to let on. With her cold, emotionless and matter-of-fact delivery Natalie sees everything in black and white (her diatribe about her ideal mate and where she thought she'd be in life at 23-years old is priceless), is eager and smart but soon reveals herself to be every bit of her youthful 23 years and about as insecure and naive as someone that age can be. Who I can't get over, though, is Vera Farmiga (who is also nominated for Best Supporting Actress). After years of having seen nothing special about her in The Departed, Joshua and Orphan (but, of course, I thought little neophyte ingenue Isabelle Fuhrman acted circles around everyone in that...), I can't get her classy performance out of my head. Not a conventional beauty by any stretch of the imagination, she still manages to be a ravishingly sophisticated and drop dead sexy woman who wrings more from my heart with her knowing glances and shrugs, sage wit, worldly observations and an air of earned self-confidence than ten Angelina Jolies and Megan Foxes could with their over-inflated lips and other assorted body parts. To say that she's simply "beautiful" in this performance gives the word "beauty" too much credit.

1. Tom & Summer
Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Zooey Deschanel
(500) DAYS OF SUMMER (2009) dir. Marc Webb

Narrator: As he listened, Tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told. These were stories one had to earn. He could feel the wall coming down. He wondered if anyone else had made it this far. Which is why the next six words changed everything:

Summer: I've never told anybody that before.

When I first saw (500) Days of Summer I thought the following moment would sum up Tom and Summer's relationship (and maybe even a few of my own):

Summer (innocently coming to a troubling realization): All we do is argue...

Tom (instantly indignant): THAT. IS. BULLSHIT!!!

But upon further retrospection, the scene that most accurately depicts these two (and once again, perhaps any relationship) is when Tom is invited to Summer's house for a party. The screen splits into two when he arrives, one side showing Tom's 'expectations' and the other, 'reality.' And at no point do they ever perfectly align. Such are relationships, such is life. I wish we could all look back at our own experiences with the benefit of such a tool. I think most of us would be very surprised at what we saw. Tom's problem is that he, unfortunately, lacked the ability to make the separation.

The film feature debut for music video director Marc Webb, (500) Days of Summer gives us a shuffled timeline of nearly eighteen months in the relationship of Tom Hagen (Joseph Gordon-Levitt), an aspiring architect who currently works writing greeting cards and the new administrative assistant at his job, Summer Finn (Zooey Deschanel). We are told from the start that while it is a classic story of "boy meets girl" that "it is not a love story." In fact, the first day we're shown is Day 488, the day that Summer and Tom break up, so we know from the onset that their relationship is ultimately doomed. What we don't know is how they got there. And even though we know the eventual destination, we still root for them the entire journey anyway.

Gordon-Levitt (Brick, Mysterious Skin and The Lookout) is a hopeless romantic. If I had to compare him to an animal, it would undoubtedly be a puppy: emotionally enthusiastic and "all-in" but once whipped, he's wounded and hurt. But not to the point where he hates his master and can't be won back with the smallest amount of attention. It's these personality traits that make his irrational obession with Summer the worst of ideas. Summer is his polar opposite. She doesn't believe in love and doesn't want anything even remotely resembling a serious relationship. She's eccentric, a little spacey and lives in the moment. The movie even dedicates a short montage of flashbacks and supporting data in an attempt to, unsuccessfully, explain the phenomenon of Summer's logic-defying appeal. How they manage to pair up, in and of itself, actually defies logic but pair up they do. And one could say that Summer strings Tom along, fully aware of how he feels about her but I suppose the case can be made that Tom is equally responsible because he also knows Summer's stance from the very beginning. But he, of course, ignores it and tries, through the sheer force of his will and determination, to change her mind and make Summer feel for him what he feels for her. As we already know, it doesn't work.

While this movie does employ its fair share of funny gimmicks and slick camera trickery (the musical number, complete with an animated bird set to Hall & Oates after Tom and Summer's first night of intimacy springs to mind, as well as Tom imagining himself as the star of a depressing black-and-white French New Wave extistentialist movie after their breakup), the jumping around and back-and-forth through time isn't one of them. It's a device that more or less acts as a meditation on how fallible the human memory is. Repeat viewings will show that because this tale is told from Tom's point of view that things aren't always as they seem and not always quite as he remembers them. Many apparently happy moments and events he recalls fondly are an illusion or rather, he ignores what's really going in favor of what he wants to see. That might be why we don't see Deschanel's mysterious character fleshed-out as much as we'd like or fully understand Summer's subtle changes. This is why her punch-in-the-gut revelation to Tom regarding the nature of their relationship on that park bench near the end is so bewildering; we, like Tom, never see it coming.

They say it's better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. After seeing this you, along with Tom, will understand why. There's a lesson to be learned in the losing.

The Mid-Year Top Ten

2009-07-03T09:04:00.000-07:00

I haven't done this since 2005.

10. Jayden Jaymes (Monster Curves 3, Pornstars Like It Big 5)

If there’s one thing that can be said about me, it’s that I have an irresistible and uncontrollable attraction to the wrong women. And make no mistake, Jayden Jaymes is THE wrong woman. Any pornstar cliché you can think of, Jayden wears it well and it likely fits her as snug as a pair of Kanye West’s skinny jeans. However, this vapid, materialistic and self-important drama queen has the goods onscreen and really, that’s all that matters. With her photogenic face and prototypical pornstar body, she correctly came to the conclusion that she is entitled to be porno royalty and she’s not only eager but ready, willing and able to wear the crown.

9. Asa Akira (FornicAsian, Too Small To Take It All)

So perfect it appears specially handcrafted by the good Lord himself, it seems almost sacrilegious to put Asa’s mischievous mega-watt smile and equally glowing personality ahead of her fantastic body when it comes to naming all the things I love about her. The only thing keeping Asa from breaking into the top five is that most find her sexually unadventurous (read: no anal, no IR). She’s constantly and consistently on her game but it’s her game’s limitations that currently frustrate even her most loyal followers. It looks like we may have another graduate of the Nautica Thorn School of Fucking on Film.

8. Julia Ann (Busty Housewives 2, MILF Next Door 4)

After spending nearly the entirety of her career as a contract girl at Wicked Pictures where anal and interracial sex materialized about as often as heterosexual American Idol winners, a newly-invigorated and contract-free Julia Ann re-emerged this year and this incarnation seems as down to fuck a guy who sleeps on a park bench covered in newspapers as she was to screw Brad Armstrong and Randy Spears in five features a year. I, for one, welcome the sudden change in direction. Until now, watching a Julia Ann scene was always akin to the lingering frustration and regret of not really fucking your first girlfriend as good as you think you should have.

7. Priya Rai (Big Wet Tits 8, Filth Cums First 4)

After a less than stellar start and my predictions of an early porno “death” for her, Rai eventually settled in and shattered every single one of my expectations of her and finds herself in this placement on my personal mid-year list. Somewhere along the way, her eyes got opened and her performances underwent a complete 360. It was like witnessing the Red Sea part, looking down and seeing the sand was made of gold, brown sugar, bacon and all red gummy bears. These days, even if some fans find it annoying, Priya lets it ALL hang out on camera and has added squirting to her repertoire which keeps her constantly booked and calling her own shots on shoots.

6. Isis Taylor (Black Assassin 5, Every Last Drop 9)

You’ve got to like the buzz currently surrounding this Peruvian/Scottish/Israeli newbie. I get more emails commenting or asking about Isis than I got condolences when my grandfather passed away. Without doing a single thing, Taylor’s so hot I feel like I should slather my skin in sun block before watching her fuck. I almost wish she would STOP working because my cock and right hand both need a breather. If it’s not too early to start mentioning it, she has to undoubtedly be leading the pack of girls most likely to be robbed of a Best New Starlet nomination in January. For right now, pencil her in.

5. Mason Moore (Rack It Up 3, Sweet Cheeks 11)

Right now, Mason Moore versus nearly any male performer will turn out an affair as lopsided as Bobby Brown’s hair during the “Every Little Step” days. Mason is a dominator who either leaves her male co-stars so impressed that they offer her THEIR phone numbers when the cameras stop rolling or running down to their local courthouse to file “hit and run” charges against her after they regain consciousness.

4. Charley Chase (Deep in Latin Cheeks 3, Juicy Latin Coochie 2)

She blows guys like she’s got a severe protein deficiency, has perhaps porn’s most telegenic tits and though her androgynous name might lead you to believe she’s part of the male cast, believe me when I say Charley Chase is ALL woman, proving it more and more with each passing performance. Were I a director that had to shoot her, I’d make sure I covered my entire set in plastic beforehand: to catch all the assorted fluids that inevitably fly whenever she does her thing and to more easily dispose of her partner’s body when everything is said and done.

3. Angelina Valentine (Head Master 3, Throated 17)

Adult’s deepest throat just might be the sexiest and most voracious tattooed brunette performer to EVER grace our screens not named Katrina Kraven. Mind you, Valentine is in possession of just as many performance limitations as talent I criticized earlier but my dad always told me, ”you don’t step over a dollar to pick up a nickel” and Angelina is a fuckin’ C-note. She doesn’t do much but what she does do, she does so well it makes her peers resemble so much loose change.

2. Ava Rose (Apple Bottomz 6, Battle of the Asses)

One of porn’s oldest yet constantly recurring stories is that of the contract girl released back out into the gonzo wild, unfettered, unshackled, rejuvenated and suddenly putting on the sorts of performances that wins her legions of new fans and makes her old admirers fans all over again. Finally free of Adam & Eve and dragging so much junk in her trunk these days that her ass is literally taking up entire box covers, Rose is red-hot and her resurgence might have even possibly been the impetus that convinced baby sis, Mia, to come out of “retirement” to join her. The Roses have played a pivotal role in restoring balance to the Force.

1. Kristina Rose (Pornstar Workout, Teenage Spermaholics 6)

Sometimes a performer’s ascent seems almost predestined...preordained, as if arranged by a higher power. I still remember meeting and getting to hang out with Kristina Rose before she was KRISTINA ROSE and I saw her potential firsthand immediately. Once she was actually out of the gate, a constant stream of Rose-related fanboy hyperbole made me back off of her a bit; with the slim pickings currently strewn about the current adult landscape it felt more like fans needed someone, anyone to latch onto and MAKE the next “one.” But certain facts cannot be denied. Kristina is a “throwback” of sorts to “real” pornstars and is perhaps porn’s current most solid all-around performer. Regardless of the reasons, this “Dirty Girl” is the queen until further notice.

I Feel Like...Bustin' Loose

2009-06-07T17:58:00.001-07:00

If there is one truism in the adult industry, it is that you can count on there never being a shortage of eager, young female talent; some chomping at the bit to make a name for themselves, others wanting nothing more than to avoid notoriety and remain under the radar so as not to arouse the suspicion of family and friends while they obtain a quick financial jumpstart. Girls rush this sordid sorority for any number of reasons and just as often make unceremonious exits for reasons equally as complicated. But for as many women who find themselves carelessly careening on the most uncaring carousel of California's flesh circus, only once in a great while is the business blessed with a talent that is utterly and truly unique.

"The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete and everything after you bears your mark."

Whether currently active or enjoying "retirement" there are only a handful of names that still evoke strong reactions and fond memories whenever they are mentioned. Of course, the Vanessa Del Rio's and Nina Hartley's go without saying. But in this millennium alone we've had our share of personalities who will likely be remembered as legendary. Belladonna. Taylor Rain. Ariana Jollee. Jenna Haze. Sasha Grey. If porn were sports, its pornstars "sexual athletes" and you were one of their peers, these are the names that you would undoubtedly feel honored to be mentioned amongst. These are the Larry's, Magic's and Jordan's of their field during their era.

The field becomes even narrower when you focus on a single genre. For me, my predilection has always been to lean towards the more buxom and busty end of the spectrum. If porn has never hurt for fresh faces, it's suffered even less for a magnificent and endless procession of extraordinary breasts (this list expands exponentially if we venture beyond these shores). Whether natural (Charley Chase, Sativa Rose), artificially enhanced (Carmella Bing, Velicity Von) or downright dubious (Amy Ried), we've seen our fair share of some truly amazing tits in recent years. Fantasies in the flesh, they are the reason we watch porn in the first place: impossibly beautiful, cartoonishly built and the filthiest of fucks who do the dirtiest things we can only dream about to their lucky castmates. But if I had to narrow it down to five sets that completely changed the landscape, dominated the market and stole every box cover once they were unveiled, they would be:

5. Cassandra Calogera ('07) - The "newest" star on my list, this is a girl I once called the "future" of this specialty scene. If fucking were an organized sport and the powers-that-be were looking to aggressively market their best and brightest to attract new fans, Calogera (The Naughty Cheerleaders Club) would already have a variety of million dollar endorsements with Nike kicking off a campaign of clever commercials featuring a puppet version of herself (Hell, she and Jenna Doll could have been the Kobe/Lebron of the genre but Doll subtracted herself from the equation when she proved to be practically allergic to semen).

In Big Wet Tits 6 (Elegant Angel, 2008), I noted: "Number one, her eyes are simply mesmerizing. I find it nearly impossible to look directly into them and not be hopelessly and helplessly entranced. Secondly, her mouth is a marvel; perfect, pouty and the more I see of it, just plain perversely passionate when it’s got a prick trapped between her fantastically full lips."

4. Natasha Nice/Whitney Stevens ('06) - Immediately breaking my own rules, I couldn't narrow the list down to simply five because I couldn't, in good conscience, bring myself to leave either of these cuties off of it. Just when the big bust market was in danger of starting to sag and become stale, these two soft-skinned doe-eyed ingénues, neither old enough to legally purchase alcohol at the time of their debuts, burst onto the scene with shy smiles, drool-worthy and full floppies and injected new blood into a niche that for the two previous years had been in an unrivaled and undeniable stranglehold by the three women below. Catch them both in Jonni Darkko's BOOB BANGERS 4 (Evil Angel, 2007).

3. Sara Stone ('04) - "She's always struck me as someone who has lots of energy but rarely puts it to good use. I've never found anything she does particularly exciting or in any way above average but I have to admit to liking Sara Stone (Young Ripe Mellons 8, Big Titty Woman 2), at least physically."

A somewhat tame and tepid performer at best (with no interracial or anal sex in her repertoire to speak of, either), Sara nonetheless managed to amass a fan base as sizeable as the mounds on her chest strictly on the strength of those glorious globes and a smile capable of simultaneously melting your heart and sending enough blood to your crotch to stiffen your nether regions and loosen your grasp on your wallet. She retired briefly in '07 only to return in late '08/early '09, much to the delight of big boob connoisseurs everywhere.

2. Brandy Talore ('04) - I first caught the adorable and lusciously thick Brandy when she was just doing the nude modeling and solo masturbation thing for SCORE magazine. When she made the decision to finally make the leap to hardcore (beginning with Lethal-Hardcore's BUILT FOR SEX 2), I was ecstatic...that is, until I saw her first few performances. She was pretty boring to watch to say the very least and I soon and often wondered if all my excitement was for naught. With time, though, came slight but steady improvement. Fortunately for her fans today, the timid newbie with the super natural chest is long gone and in her place stands a spectacular 5-year veteran who has finally got her act down pat. Her best assets, to me however, are those fantastic nipples. Each one looks like a tremendous gooey gumdrop, begging to be pinched, tugged, licked, gnawed and creamed on. Those things are amazing.

1. Gianna ('04) - An indomitable force so immediately recognizable, so spectacular, she needs only a single name (even if she's been saddled with the last names "Michaels" and sometimes "Rossi" throughout her career). George Bernard Shaw has been attributed with saying, "The goal of an artist is to create the definitive work that cannot be surpassed." Well, if God can be called an artist, consider Gianna His definitive work.

Five-foot ten-ish and every inch of it all-natural and plush WOMANHOOD, Gianna (”G” For Gianna) consistently and constantly exudes a fun and playful vibe while simultaneously maintaining the appearance of a voracious and insatiable genuine thirst for sex during her scenes. She is by far, the most pro-active and energetic on-screen screw on this list. She can be smiling and laughing (and oh my, what a laugh it is) one second and then the minute a guy (or guys) finds her spot, she's suddenly staring a hole through them (directly into their SOUL, it seems at times) with a transfixing and seductively hypnotic gaze, intensely concentrating on getting herself off. And those otherworldly tits of hers just never stop bouncing, jiggling and/or swaying back and forth the entire time. She recently made the decision, after five-plus years of performing and Pavlov's dog-like salivating and boundless anticipation from her die-hard fans, to finally open up her backdoor in Elegant Angel's upcoming BIG WET ASSES 15.

I said of her performance in Martin Del Toro’s BANG MY TASTY TWAT (Platinum X Pictures, 2006): "She twists Chris Charming's cock as she strokes the nut up out of it and literally slurps it out right from the head of his dick. He, in turn, reacts like she just sucked his LIFE FORCE out. She EMPTIED him and left HIS legs shaking.

Then she laughed.

God, I love that bitch."

See what I mean in this clip from Devils Films’ Titty Worship

Rock Steady

2009-01-28T10:59:00.001-08:00

"I've got knives in my eyes, I'm going home sick."

Spend any amount of time talking to me about movies and eventually I'm going to feel the need to bring up Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Though, truth be told, I'm not sure what I'll say first or in what order I'll assemble my praise but an adulation shower will be forthcoming so have an umbrella handy. I'll talk about how his talent was basically unknown to me until he started doing movies because I was never a fan of "3rd Rock from the Sun." I'll praise his brave career choices and his opting to do small independent movies like "Mysterious Skin" and "The Lookout," marveling at how he somehow managed to embody such commanding screen presence growing up in the world of television sitcoms. And inevitably, I'll make my way to the hard-to-categorize whodunit, "Brick" (2005).

“Emily said four words I didn't know. Tell me if they catch."

The first thing people notice (and write about, and now I've somewhat inadvertently joined them) about Rian Johnson’s “Brick” is the language. "I gave you Jerr to see him eaten, not to see you fed," Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s Brendan Frye says at one point. And even though it is during a somewhat heated argument between the two of them, even his assistant vice principal has to compliment him. “Nicely put." Brendan smugly gives credit where it is due: "Accelerated English." It is just that type of hard-boiled inside vernacular that teenagers use to block and insulate themselves from adults (and their multiple, rapidly-changing meanings) that actually set this whole tale in motion. After Brendan receives an unexpected, vague and panicked phone call from his ex-girlfriend and shortly thereafter finds her dead body, he begins his own private investigation, determined to make sense of her cryptic last call to him and find her killer.

"I need words."

JGL is a teenaged version of Jack Nicholson's gumshoe Jack Gittes in "Chinatown" just decidedly more deadpan and glum with a heap of intensity and attitude simmering just beneath the surface. Mostly an outsider aside from the only associate of his we see (appropriately nicknamed The Brain, who assists him in unraveling this mystery and with whom he shares some typically slick back-and-forth banter with), but Brendan isn’t necessarily ostracized. His loner status is completely voluntary. You get the impression that he willingly resides at the fringes of the pack because he feels he shares nothing in common with his peers. Or maybe he doesn't view them as his "peers" at all. He seems to understand in a very mature way that the cliques and parties and social circles and events don't matter in the long run but he still adheres to the hierarchy, politics, knows who's who, the various ins and outs, while standing back and at times, even appears slightly amused at how the puppet theater all plays out.

"The ape blows or I clam."

As far as the world Brenan inhabits, his high school isn't at all like Beverly Hills 90210 or even Dawson's Creek. Rather it is an unseemly and seedy, David Lynchian alternate universe where murderously criminal-minded kids run the local underworld; where “bulls” are cops, a “burg” is a town and a “yeg” is a tough and it's not uncommon to see students cutting backroom deals with the assistant vice principal (coincidentally portrayed by another famous private dick, "Shaft"'s Richard Roundtree). Only here could a student say the town’s drug kingpin is “supposed to be old…like 26” without a hint of irony and have it be taken with even a modicum of seriousness. Brendan navigates this somewhat unpredictable territory, filled with an assortment of sirens, jocks, bullies and burnouts, with a quiet and determined intensity and encounters all manner of Mickey Spillane and Raymond Chandler-like clichés. You’ll find, like the classic detectives of the past, he’s also capable and willing to mix it up physically when he has to, as well.

"You're a quite a pill. Why'd you take a powder the other night?"

The resident femme fatale, Laura (Nora Zehetner), exudes a natural and demure girlishness that belies her possible deadliness. Zehetner does a superb job of emulating the demeanor of vixens past, lowing her voice to a slow and deliberate, yet sophisticated and seductive muted whisper, making cryptic comments that hide ulterior motives and saying just enough to make you wonder if she really doesn't know anything or if her entire lexicon is just naturally filled with a library of unintentionally inviting double entrendres. Brendan isn’t so easily swayed and immediately identifies her as a potential liability. "I'm not heeling you to hook you. I. Can't. Trust. You. Brad was a sap, you weren't. You're with him, so you're playing him. So you're a player. With you behind me, I'd have to tie one eye up watching both of your hands. I can't spare it."

"Better stop meeting me in the open, too. I'm gonna start getting visible. I need you on the underneath.”

Rookie director Rian Johnson’s debut feature and tribute to noir set in a San Clemente, CA high school won the Sundance Film Festival’s Special Jury Prize for Originality of Vision in 2005. Not only does it have style to burn but it’s a very dark and smart homage that stands on its own as opposed to being some run-of-the-mill indie movie where the young actors pretend to be grown ups and do adult-like things for the amusement of those who might familiar with the genre’s typical conventions. It would also be a great way to introduce a curious teenager to detective stories. And if you don’t believe that the kid from “3rd Rock from the Sun” can carry a movie or be a convincing leading man, brace yourself for a very pleasant surprise.

New Kids on the Block

2009-01-03T19:34:00.000-08:00

I did it 365 days ago... I can do it again!!!

Ones to watch in 2009

10. Madelyn Marie

Age: 21

I love it when images speak for themselves. Physically, Madelyn's utter perfection from head-to-toe.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass Titans (Evil Angel, dir. Raul Cristian), New to the Game 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Stoya Atomic Tease (Digital Playground, dir. Celeste), Fresh Outta High School 13 (New Sensations, dir. Greg Lansky), Fresh Breed 5 (Gina Lynn Productions)

Internet - 2 Chicks Same Time, Fast Times at NAU, My Sister's Hot Friend (Naughty America), Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

Christian Sings the Blues about Madelyn Marie.

9. Katie Cummings

Age: 19

Five feet and five inches of robust and voluptuous Miami-bred, Cuban-flavored womanhood.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big White Bubble Butts 4, I Like Phat Buns 4 & Big Tit Brotha Lovers 14 (Exquisite), Deep in Latin Cheeks 3 & Wet Juicy Asses 4: The Latin Edition (Jules Jordan Video), Teens With Tits 13 (Diabolic), What An Ass 7 (Digital Sin), Big Bubble Butt Cheerleaders 8 & Big Bubble Butt Latin Sluts 6 (Evasive Angles), More Cushion for the Pushin' 3 & Plump Rumps 3 (Lethal-Hardcore), 110% Natural 17, Wasted Youth 7 & Smothered N' Covered 7 (Red Light District), Work It Work It Get It Get It 2, Juicy Latin Coochie & Slutty and Sluttier 8 (Evil Angel), Poolside Pussy & The Whole Enchilada 3 (Vouyer Media), Fresh Out The Box 11 (Mercenary Pictures)

Internet - Monster Curves (Reality Kings)

Christian Sings the Blues about Katie Cummings.

8. Dylan Ryder

Age: 27

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big Ole Titties (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Soft in the Middle (Digital Sin, dir. Tyrone Shuz), Cheating Wives Tales 11 (New Sensations), Truly Nice Ass 8 (DVSX)

Internet - Big Tits In Sports, Doctor Adventures, Milfs Like It Big, Mommy Got Boobs (Brazzers), Big Tits Boss, Milf Hunter, Monster Curves, Milf Next Door (Reality Kings), Milf Lessons, Milf Soup (Bang Bros), 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Big Sausage Pizza, Big Boobs POV

Christian Sings the Blues about Dylan Ryder.

and...

Jayden Jaymes

Age: 21

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass For Days 6 (Diabolic, dir. Greg Allan), Oil Overload 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Chris Streams), Naughty College School Girls 49 (New Sensations), Big Wet Tits 6 (Elegant Angel), Big Pretty Titties (Exquisite)

Internet - Ass Parade, Big Tits Round Asses, Big Tits Cream Pie, Fuck Team Five (Bang Bros), Baby Got Boobs, Real Wife Stories, Doctor Adventures, Big Tits In Sports, Big Tits At Work, Big Tits At School, Pornstars Like It Big (Brazzers), Naughty Athletics, Fast Times at NAU (Naughty America), Monster Curves, Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

These two remarkable big boob brunettes aren't exactly new but after suffering a "false start" of sorts when they first began, they both came back last year and returned not only hardly recognizable from their previous incarnations but better than ever. Reinvigorated, rejuvenated and repackaged, Dylan and Jayden have both re-emerged and watched their relevance rebound from remission. Recognize.

7. Mz Berlin

Age: 29

The enigmatic Mz Berlin is obviously more into fetish and BDSM than 'conventional' b/g, which is an almost crying shame because she's got a body seemingly specifically designed for that sole purpose. You can check out my favorite mistress, her flaming red hair and contrasting alabaster skin at her blog where she does a great job of detailing her goings and cummings.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Big Boobs Are Cool 2 (Burning Angel Entertainment, dir. Mitch Fontaine)

Internet - Big Naturals (Reality Kings), Big Tits Round Asses (Bang Bros), Doctor Adventures, Big Tits at Work (Brazzers)

Christian Sings the Blues about Mz Berlin.

6. Lucky Benton

Age: 31

Every so often someone comes along with gigantic, swinging, pendulous mammaries so glorious and unbelievable we all have to stand and take notice in slack-jawed wonder and amazement. Gianna. Brandy Talore. Whitney Stevens. Cassandra Calogera. 2009 might end up being remembered as the year we all got Lucky.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Cheating Wives Tales 12 (New Sensations, dir. Mario Rossi), Milf Date (New Sensations, dir. Eddie Powell), Monster Tit Sex Zombies (Wicked, dir. Mark Stone), Double Vision 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Erik Everhard), More Cushion For The Pushin' 3 (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze)

Internet - Big Tits at School, Mommy Got Boobs, Real Wife Stories (Brazzers), Naughty Office (Naughty America), Cougars in Heat, Soccer Mom Score, Mr. Big Dick's Hot Chicks, Big League Facials, Chubby POV

5. Mya Nichole

Age: 24

Mya's a wiry yet busty do-it-all freak who's been making her name by appearing in a steady stream of Evil Angel movies (Anal Acrobats 3 (dir. Jay Sin), Evil Anal 7 (dir. Manuel Ferrara), Gape Lovers 3 (dir. Jay Sin) and Fuck Slaves 4 (dir. Jake Malone) and apparently has no aversion to creampies as evidenced by her romps in Internal Cumbustion 14 (Zero Tolerance, dir. Donnie Cabo), Internal Damnation 2 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Chris Streams), Internal Injections 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox) and Incumming 15 (Diabolic, dir. Gregg Alan). At his blog Christian says, "When you click on my model link to LA Direct, check out what she will do......good fucking gravy, what WON'T this chick do? You have to appreciate her willingness to do anything and everything on camera."

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Ass Cleavage 10 (Zero Tolerance, dir. Mike Quasar), Squirt in my Gape 3 (Elegant Angel, dir. William H.), Deep in Latin Cheeks 3 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Alexander Devoe), In Thru The Back Door 5 (Vouyer Media, dir. Vince Vouyer), Hot Sauce 7 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Obscene Behavior 5 (Red Light District, dir. John Strong), Need For Seed 3 (Diabolic)

Internet - Big Tits Cream Pie (Bang Bros) Big Butts Like It Big (Brazzers), Naughty Athletics, 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Porn Fidelity

4. Hanna Hilton

Age: 24

Before Steve Hirsch's real evil empire, Vivid, signed her to an exclusive performer contract, it was easy enough to see upon very first glance that the mind-boggling top-heavy Hilton was a true revelation. Scenes featuring her are in frighteningly short supply as of right now, especially pre-Vivid ones but even in those rare appearances it was readily apparent that the great state of Indiana might have possibly blessed us with a second straight busty blonde Best New Starlet. Check her out in the upcoming Bounce directed by B. Skow.

Perfs of note thus far:

Internet - Real Wife Stories (Brazzers)

3. London Keys

Age: 19

This thick and soft half-japanese teen with a downright dazzling smile wears her delectable 'Freshman 15' oh-so-well over her tat'd and pierced bod. This rarity (a naturally busty asian teen?) was brought to the adult world's attention by Anabolic director Ivan after shooting her for his Nice Rack 17. I've been watching her career with great interest ever since. She's got some scorchers dropping soon in Ass For Days 7 (Diabolic, dir. Gregg Alan), Real Racks 6 (3rd Degree, dir. Danny Case) and Bounce (Vivid, dir. B. Skow).

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - No Cum Dodging Allowed 10 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Mike John), Boobaholics Anonymous 4 (Jules Jordan Video, dir. Mike John)Natural Born Swallowers 3 (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Teens With Tits 13 (Diabolic, dir. Ray Bones), New to the Game 4 (Diabolic, dir. Sid Knox), Poolside Pussy (Vouyer Media, dir. Van Styles), Daughter I'd Like To Fuck (New Sensations, dir. Greg Lansky), Barely Legal 88 (Hustler, dir. Erica McLean), In It Goes, Out It Cums 6 (Red Light District, dir. Mark Wood)

Internet - Baby Got Boobs (Brazzers), Teens At Work (Mofos), 2 Chicks Same Time, My Sister's Hot Friend, Fast Times at NAU and Naughty Bookworms (Naughty America), 18 Years Old, Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings), Big Tits Round Asses (Bang Bros).

2. Mason Moore

Age: 23

A mostly unknown and mysterious quantity at this point, Mason, with her various and elaborate tattoos and midnight black tresses (in the tradition of Katrina Kraven and more recently, Angelina Valentine) is just my type. So far she has 2 romps for Brazzers latest venture, MOFOS (Can She Take It? and Day With a Pornstar) under her belt and has done 5 scenes for Brazzers (Real Wife Stories twice, Baby Got Boobs, Big Tits At School and Big Tits In Sports) which remains one of the few places you can catch her on a regular basis.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Wet Juicy Juggs (Lethal-Hardcore, dir. Chucky Sleaze), Cruisin' for Latin Pussy (DVSX, dir. Juan Cuba), Tunnel Butts (Jules Jordan Video/Cruel Media, dir. Chris Rolie)

Internet - I Have a Wife, Housewife 1-on-1 and 2 Chicks Same Time (Naughty America), Big Tits Boss (Reality Kings), PornFidelity.

Christian Sings the Blues about Mason Moore.

1. Asa Akira

Age: 23

A full-blooded Japanese hottie, Asa has a magazine model's flawless face, a beautiful and ever-present smile and energy to burn in her scenes. Her upcoming performances in Asian Fucking Nation 3 (Evil Angel, dir. Jonni Darkko) and Gabriella Fox Nude (Digital Playground, dir. Robby D.) are poised to turn a lot of heads that haven't had the good fortune of seeing this cookie in action already.

Perfs of note thus far:

DVD - Top Notch Bitches 7, Ultimate Feast 3 & Drowning in Bitch Juice 3 (Gina Lynn Productions), Control Freaks (Vouyer Media, dir. Vince Vouyer), Fetish Fucks 3 (Vouyer Media, dir. Van Styles), Bombshell Bottoms 4 (Vouyer Media, dir. Donnie Cabo), Make Me Creamy 4 (Vouyer Media, dir. Donnie Cabo), Shot Glasses (Zero Tolerance, dir. Mick Blue), Sticky Sweet (Digital Playground, dir. Robby D)

Internet - Naughty Office (Naughty America), Cum Fiesta (Reality Kings)

Dream for an Insomniac

2008-12-13T17:45:00.000-08:00

That's the picture that started it all for me. And by "all" I mean EVERYTHING. I think that single image jumpstarted my interest in women overall, brunettes especially...hell, anything "sexual" whatsoever. And I still remember the first place I saw it.

I couldn't have been any more than seven or eight years old and I was tagging along with my dad. He was at one of his buddy's houses, playing cards and drinking beer as was typical for him to do on Saturdays and I was roaming around this strange house, trying to find the bathroom. I don't remember the portrait but I will never forget the postcard that was jammed into the lower right hand corner of the frame that hung in that hallway. It was that exact postcard you see above. And no exaggeration necessary, it changed my life. I remember standing in that hallway, almost trying to memorize it, so that I could take that image home with me that night.

I became so infatuated with that voluptuous bikini-clad vixen that I began to dream about bronze-skinned brunettes whenever I slept and I started to target and focus on them just as much in my waking hours, as well. I recall having a matchbook with the legendary pin-up's nude image on it that I kept in my underwear drawer. My mother found it, made my dad have a "talk" with me about it and then made ME throw it away. My obsession eventually led to me finding out the name of the woman on that postcard and I remember that moment as being...well, it was akin to a heathen finally finding Jesus Christ. A weight had been lifted and it felt like the end of a very long journey or scavenger hunt. Little did I know, it was only the beginning.

It's always been my goal to educate those around me and the first chance I got, a written assignment in English class, I wanted to share what I had learned about Bettie Page and what I had learned, I thought, was a very interesting story and certainly one worth telling. Maybe not appropriate for 4th or 5th graders, which is what I was, but I didn't know any better. I gathered what information I could (and back then it was scarce, which is what made Bettie so mysterious and twice as interesting as say, Abraham Lincoln. In those days, people assumed Bettie, once one of the most well-known women in the world, had simply vanished at the height of her fame and popularity) and poured my heart into probably the best one or two-page biography ever written by a 10-year old. My reward? A trip to the principal's office and a phone call to my parents. At this point, it wasn't the first time such a thing had happened and it surely wouldn't be the last but this was the one time I didn't understand why.

They say people and personalities never really change and that particular aspect of mine was carved out from Day One. Today my parents are never really surprised at their only son's interests, the company he keeps or the types of trouble he routinely finds himself in. I'm not sure they'd trace it all back to the iconic Bettie Page and a postcard, either. But she had an impact, an influence on me and so many others that can't and won't ever be accurately measured, some of which we take for granted and don't even realize. I realize. And I am grateful.

R.I.P. Bettie Page April 22, 1923 – December 11, 2008

"Breaking" Paradigms

2008-11-21T17:44:00.000-08:00

For comic book collectors, past and present, 2008 has been an outstanding year of onscreen adaptations. This summer will be remembered as the one that gave us the first legitimate blockbuster of the season in IRON MAN (with Robert Downey, Jr. in the titular role), followed by the second highest grossing movie of all time in Christopher Nolan’s THE DARK KNIGHT. I’ve watched Guillermo Del Toro’s beautiful and entertaining HELLBOY II countless times since the DVD hit shelves and who would have ever thought we’d see Edward Norton as THE INCREDIBLE HULK? Even better, we still have WATCHMEN to look forward to in March of next year.

The question all fans tend to raise again and again is, however, in the pantheon of truly great superhero movies, how do these recent releases stack up? Where do they place alongside the universally accepted standards like the first SPIDERMAN or X-MEN 2, for example? And for every time I hear a case made for fare like SUPERMAN RETURNS or BLADE there is always one comic book/superhero movie that tends to get overlooked.

“Real life doesn’t fit inside little boxes that were drawn for it.”

As more and more adaptations find success by grounding themselves in gritty reality, M. Night Shyamalan’s (The Sixth Sense) UNBREAKABLE (2000) remains the most realistic depiction of what it might be like if a regular human being was suddenly imbued with very irregular superhuman powers. Not only that but it may also be Shyamalan’s personal best.

UNBREAKABLE’s characters, security guard David Dunn (Bruce Willis) and comic book art dealer Elijah Price (Samuel L. Jackson) lives intersect when a train on which David is a passenger derails and he emerges unscathed, the only survivor. Elijah hears about this miraculous incident and takes a special interest in David, who he sees as his opposite, since he himself suffers from an affliction known as osteogenesis imperfecta, a condition that renders his bones very brittle and easily breakable. Suffering in this way feeds his insatiable interest in the fantasy world of comic books and the escape they provide but it might also be responsible for his certainly eccentric and perhaps mentally disturbed nature. His mostly depressing childhood is detailed in a series of painful and heartbreaking flashbacks (In fact, the opening alone would be considered horrifying if it were placed as the introduction to any other movie. In a Philadelphia department store, a young black woman gives birth to a baby boy. A doctor (Eamonn Walker) enters the room to have a look at the still-crying newborn before the ambulance arrives. The mask of disbelief that suddenly covers his face tells the whole story. ”What happened during the delivery? Did you drop this baby?” ) while David’s past is shrouded in mystery and slowly unravels as UNBREAKABLE creeps to its conclusion.

David and Elijah are indeed connected and are very much opposites. While David has believed all his life that his frighteningly real gifts have just been a coincidence, it’s Elijah’s deranged notions and infatuation with comic books that, by coincidence, turn out to be real. When UNBREAKABLE finally reaches its legitimately shocking and heart-pounding denouement, David has found out who he truly is but he also finds out who Elijah is and despite his fragile nature, he isn’t quite as helpless or friendly as he appears.

In UNBREAKABLE we find M. Night using a few familiar devices and revisiting themes that would come to permeate nearly all of his future works (and I don’t mean the “twist” ending, either): young children in central roles (here it is Spencer Treat Clark as the son who believes his father is somehow special) and unexplained martial problems (Robin Wright Penn plays Willis' estranged wife). Throughout his career, Shyamalan, early on at least, was hailed as a young genius and has often drawn comparisons to the late, great Alfred Hitchcock. While I would personally never go that far, I will say that he has similar success at building suspense. He also has a great gift in that, while writers like Tarantino, Mamet, Smith and others write characters who supposedly talk like we talk, Shyamalan creates people who act like we act. He knows when to be “still” and let a character’s silence or being in thought, their movement and their actions be the only exposition the audience needs or will get. Night also makes interesting choices with his camera, often times choosing to shoot intimate conversations from a distance as if we were eavesdropping on the participants or shooting his characters’ individual perspectives from decidedly different angles. He also makes great use of color to differentiate between the worlds of Dunn and Price.

UNBREAKABLE is, without a doubt, what the world would look like if superheroes actually walked among us. NBC’s Heroes this ain’t. To quote Frank Miller, a person need not fly to be "heroic." If this were a comic book, it would be an origin story; a journey where someone finding something exceptional within themselves, a hero answering “the call” and it all plays out very realistically. The characters are your average, “everyday” people and, as Shyamalan himself says, exist in a world where the hero is “flawed” and the villain is “endearing.” In the end, we learn a simple truth: good cannot exist without evil. That every protagonist needs an antagonist and when one takes up his mantle, then so can the other. “Now that we know who you are, I know who I am,” Elijah says tearfully in one of his final bittersweet lines. It is a proud moment for him and after witnessing all of his life’s hardships, it would be a rewarding and uplifting experience for the audience as well...if it weren’t also so simultaneously unnerving and discomforting.

Go Hard

2008-11-02T08:28:00.000-08:00

'Zack & Miri Make A Porno' director Smith suffers from an identity crisis

Pittsburgh residents Zack and Miri have been slacker roommates and best friends since graduating high school ten years ago. After recent financial crisis, inadvertant internet celebrity and a chance meeting with a porn star at their humiliating high school reunion all conveniently intersect, Zack hatches a plot to use all of the above as the impetus to make his own amateur adult movie to get them out of debt. He enlists the aid of his co-worker Delaney (The Office's Craig Robinson, a scene-stealing machine) to act as producer, a hockey buddy Deacon (Jeff "Randall Graves" Anderson) as his cameraman and through an audition process hires "Bubbles" (a droll and boring Traci Lords), Stacey (the perpetually perky Katie Morgan), Barry (Ricky Mabe) and Lester (Jason Mewes, more than willing to provide the full-frontal male nudity) to round out the cast of -- what else would a porn parody be called in a Kevin Smith movie? -- "Star Whores." During the filming of their homemade project, Zack and Miri discover feelings for one another that they didn't know they had.

Don't believe the hype. For all the highly-publicized battles with the MPAA over the final rating, banned movie posters, television spots conveniently changing the title depending on what hour they aired and how outrageous and controversial Kevin Smith would like you to believe Zack & Miri Make a Porno is, it is completely underwhelming.

I went in expecting to be pleasantly surprised with non-stop and full-on hilarity in the same vein as Clerks II (a movie I thought would be a surefire disappointment and a self-serving grab at the cash) but Zack and Miri comes up short and ironically enough, this seems to be the movie where Smith is finally taking aim at crossover appeal. I didn't see anything here that would even warrant a very hard R much less an NC-17 rating. Other than the overabundance of coarse language (which feels it's there just for the sake of being there) that seems to have replaced the usual wit and pop culture ruminations of Smith's characters and the nudity, which is a lot less frequent than the title would lead you to imagine, I can't see how anyone would find this movie any more offensive than any number of potty-mouthed, toilet-humor movies that have preceded it. It's not that I wanted or needed anything more intense or graphic but the filming of the actual porno seemed fairly comical, over-the-top and tame considering all the fuss that's been made over the past few months.

It's as if Smith had a great idea for a romantic comedy but was missing something that would sell it so in between seeing cameos by the likes of Stormy, Nautica Thorn, Jenna Haze and Aurora Snow in Judd Apatow's movies (the 40 Year Old Virgin director who has seen significant more success than Smith following a slightly dumbed down version of the blueprint one could say Smith created yet Apatow improved upon it by having actual craft and utilizing way better comedic acting talent) and seeing Katie Morgan on HBO, he came up with the implausible "make a porno" slant and quickly jotted down the rest of this threadbare script on a napkin. This is very obviously an "I've got a cool title and I'll just write a movie around it" movie and it shows. In fact, Miri is so underdeveloped as a character that I still don't know what it is she even did for a living (which is a shame because Elizabeth Banks might very well be the best thing here). Apparently out of ideas, Smith even harkens back to Clerks (I know, surprise surprise) when "Star Whores"' first location gets destroyed and Zack decides to shoot the movie where he works after hours, the same way Smith famously shot Clerks at night in the convenience store where he was employed.

Zack and Miri isn't going to do itself any favors as far as other Apatow comparisons go, either; for the first twenty minutes I thought that's exactly what I was watching, not to mention Smith takes the liberty of casting about half of Apatow's regular and peripheral players (check out Gerry Bednob basically being "Mooj" from 4YOV all over again, this time as Zack's boss at the Bean-N-Gone coffee shop, Seth Rogen remains the very same unattractive yet sincere and loveable schlub he is in Knocked Up and that's just for starters). Smith has deviated from the conventions he more or less created to make an Apatow-a-like movie in an attempt to finally reach the broader audience that has managed to elude him but in the process lost the rambling yet unique dialogue and inherent charm that I go to see Kevin Smith movies for. On the bright side, there are a few comical cameos in the form of Justin Long, Brandon Routh, Tisha Campbell-Martin and for eagle-eyed porn fans, Pittsburgh's own Ricki Raxxx gets a few seconds of screen time.

It's a considerable stretch to believe that two life-long pals could only come to the realization they they're in love with each other after having their backs against the wall to the point where they have to have onscreen sex. But the promise of a Kevin Smith movie got me into the theater, which was entirely the point. But I should leave feeling satisfied that Smith delivered what he promised, not that I got duped. And ninety minutes later I felt more like a sucker than a proud Smith acolyte. This is not what I go to see his movies for. It's a shame that after years of inspiring others, Kevin Smith is no longer content to be himself.

360°: The Law of Karma

2008-10-23T15:15:00.000-07:00

Edward Norton's Cinematic Comeuppance
What goes around comes around...even in the movies.

The cult of FIGHT CLUB fanboys is so overwhelming I'm tempted to hate this movie. But I can't. Because before the world-at-large saw it, before every ineffectual cubicle-dwelling weakling who felt as though they didn't have a voice until FIGHT CLUB came along and spoke for them got their hands on it, this movie was all mine. Having been one of the few people who actually read the novel by Chuck Palahniuk BEFORE the movie had even been optioned, I felt I had the right to claim it as such. When I found out Edward Norton (who I had been following almost obsessively at this point in his career after seeing PRIMAL FEAR, reading about every little thing he did, from what card sharks he hung out with and learned from researching his role in ROUNDERS the year before to the beef he had with director Tony Kaye over the final cut of AMERICAN HISTORY X) had signed on and so had Brad Pitt, I lived, breathed and slept this movie from the planning stages to principle photography until the day it wrapped and finally got shipped to theaters.

Anyway, if you've seen the movie, you should be familiar with this scene. The Narrator (Ed Norton) who was once Tyler Durden's prized pupil and best friend, let's the green-eyed monster get the best of him when he sees Tyler slowly start to favor a blonde pretty boy-type, "Angel Face" (Jared Leto), a young up and comer in Tyler's latest invention, Project Mayhem. The Narrator doesn't confront Angel Face right away. No. He stews silently and waits for his opportunity to handle it mano y mano, in Lou's basement, on the blood-splattered cardboard where "fight club" goes down. And he destroys Angel's Face. What's the word they used in PREDATOR? Oh yeah -- FUBAR. Leto, for the rest of the movie, is Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. His dashing good looks intact, The Narrator reclaims his place at his mentor's side...which ironically, if you know this movie's "surprise" twist, wasn't ever really in jeopardy to begin with.

FIGHT CLUB (1999) dir. David Fincher

Here's a line that didn't make it into the movie: "Getting God's attention for being bad was better than getting no attention at all. Maybe because God's hate is better than His indifference."

Unlike FIGHT CLUB, I can't lay claim to having already read David Benioff's novel, The 25th Hour, before seeing this. But while it may not go down in movie history as anything special or even providing any standout moments, I'm a fan of 25TH HOUR because I just happen to dig a day-in-the-life movies of this nature. And that's exactly what this is: the last full day of freedom that drug dealer Monty Brogan (Edward Norton) will experience before he has to head to prison to pull a seven-year stretch for a crime that he's still in the process of unravelling the mystery of how he got pinched in the first place.

Of course, Monty does what every guy in his soon-to-be state-issued shoes would do: he goes to a party at a nightclub being thrown for him by the very people who got him sent up to begin with, brings along the girlfriend he suspects of possibly setting him up (Rosario Dawson), his two lifelong boyhood pals (Barry Pepper, Phillip Seymour Hoffman) and an underaged high school student (Anna Paquin). When the night is over, fearing he may be a little Right Said Fred for prison i.e. too sexy for his future cellmates, he asks his friend Frank (Pepper) for a final favor: to beat him up; make him ugly to buy himself some time and keep the daily anal rapings to a minimum, at least at first, until he can heal. Of course, inititally Frank refuses but Monty knows just what to say and do to get under his skin until finally Frank is left no choice. And thus, the ass-whupping that Norton doled out in FIGHT CLUB finally, three long years later, comes back to bite him in the fat, fleshy part of his rear right here. Observe:

25TH HOUR (2002) dir. Spike Lee

That's for those years you stole Salma Hayek from me, you smug bastard.

I will never EVER forgive you, prick.

Fashionable Fads: Don't Try To Play Me Out

2008-10-18T13:29:00.001-07:00

Some things aren't "in" until your favorite celebrity wears them. Some things aren't officially "out" until your favorite celebrity says they are.

When I was coming up in '88, an era that many consider to be THE Golden Age of hip-hop, the fashion statement of choice was truck jewelry. Huge "dooky" gold french ropes around your neck in the 'teens, each one bigger than the next and the bigger the better. From Biz Markie to Big Daddy Kane to the infamous collection of Slick Rick (which he seemed to rock three-quarters of all at once at any given time and often bragged that he had so many that other emcees used to borrow his chains), the best way to show off your newfound affluence was how much gold you were sporting. That is, until December 14, 1988 when Keenan Ivory Wayans dropped I'M GONNA GIT YOU SUCKA, a send-up of blaxsploitation movie cliches (complete with major parts for '70s film fixtures and icons like Jim Brown, Isaac Hayes, Antonio Fargas, Ja'net DuBois and Bernie Casey) set in the present time where the drug of choice for young black youth was, you guessed it, gold chains. Watch Jack Spade's (Keenan Ivory Wayans) hilarious (but played completely straight) reaction when he finds out from his younger brother Junebug's widow Cheryl ("A Different World"'s Dawnn Lewis) what the cause of his premature death really was.

"Oh God, NO! Not GOLD!"

Directed by Robert Townsend, 1987's HOLLYWOOD SHUFFLE may have pre-dated and beat the following movie to the punch when it came to making fun of the one major fad black people will NEVR live down (coincidentally with a character played by Keenan Ivory Wayans) but it wasn't until John Landis and Eddie Murphy's COMING TO AMERICA that the jheri curl breathed its final breath. For those that don't know the story, Murphy's African prince Akeem, rather than go along with a proposed arranged marriage in his home country of Zamunda, comes to New York (Queens, specifically) in search of his true love. After many false starts and failed attempts he finally finds her but she is dating an obnoxious and entitled prick named Daryl Jenks ("ER"'s Eriq La Salle) whose family owns SOUL GLO, a company that specializes in black hair care products. There are many sight gags about Daryl and his family sprinkled throughout the movie but the one thing that nearly every viewer has in common and will likely never forget is the SOUL GLO television commercial and that ridiculously funny theme song.

"Just let your sooooooouuuul gloooooow! Just let it shine through!"

Aaron McGruder has for years long used THE BOONDOCKS, in print and more recently through his animated series on Cartoon Network, to skewer many aspects of black popular culture. During the first season he introduced a closeted gay rapper by the name of Gangstalicious (voiced by reknowned "conscious" rapper/actor Mos Def) to tackle the idea of secretly homosexual entertainers in the hip-hop world and to comment on blind hero worship. This past season, Gangstalicious returned and his same-sex preferences were further exposed with things like his latest single, "Homies Over Hoes", being outed by a former groupie with a book deal named "Wonder Cheeks" (inspired, of course, by former video vixen-turned-author Karrine "Super Head" Steffans) and lastly, his foray into the fashion world. In the following clip, Gangstalicious (who has taken to wearing pink) appears on Regis and Kelly's daytime talk show to introduce his own line of colored bulletproof vests, super-long white tees with an interesting added function, wife beaters that look suspiciously a lot like sports bras and finally PEARL NECKLACES. I find this the most scathing yet scarily effective satire McGruder's been responsible for yet, forcing his fans to take a long hard look in the mirror at themselves and letting them know through laughter that the general public doesn't always know the whole story and not every trend you follow is necessarily borne out of the place where you think it may have been.

"We just want cats out there in the street, you know, to step their jewelry game up."

Spic-N-Spanish: So Fresh, So Clean

2008-08-23T20:31:00.001-07:00

Growing up on the east coast, I can honestly say that while not ever wanting to literally BE a New Yorker, there are certain things I admire about the state and how differently they conduct business as compared to some states I’ve lived in (and I’ve hung my hat A LOT of places over the years, believe me). One of those things is public access television. The language, the nudity…there’s a whole unseen-by-the-world-at-large culture going on out there that makes me feel as if I’ve been left out of a secret that everyone else knows.

But thanks to my favorite rogue journalist and ghetto entrepreneur, Khalid Strickland of INSOMNIAC and AMPED magazines, I got my hands on “The Spic N Spanish Chronicles Vol. 1” hosted by his man, Big Al and finally got a taste of what I’ve been missing. Big Al, quite the character in his own right (and you have to be charismatic and watchable to carry even five minutes of a television show, public access or not), hosts various clips from his show - some new, some old, some never before seen - with his favorite exotic dancer, Argentinean/Italian Honey Bunny, on his lap. I'd wager Al’s onscreen persona is probably very much like his personality off-camera: he’s a fun (and admittedly horny) everyman who keeps the party going with the sheer power of his perverse presence. Al’s “I’m just one of your homeboys” approach gives the DVD a laid back feel that makes it way more fun than it would be if he were some paid talking head. Welcome to his wild world and prepare to chill…

In the first segment Big Al hosts a 30th birthday party for a close friend and brings along – guess who? – Honey Bunny and her stripper-in-arms cohort, a redhead named Theresa. Needless to say, the girls Al has in tow tear the birthday boy apart, ripping off his t-shirt, grinding on his lap and smothering his face with their gigantic asses FULLY nude. THEN they turn their attention towards each other. The next segment goes a step better than simply taking you to the 2002 Puerto Rican Day Parade. Big Al takes us to a Webster Hall afterparty during a Hot Body Contest. In order to hang with a super-thick and scorching out-of-towner from Cali who looks like she does this sort of thing for a living, the NY natives are forced to quickly step their game up and re-think their individual Hot Body strategies. I mean, you can literally see the jealousy form on the amateurs’ faces when this stacked pro performs. So like any contest involving women competing for a cash prize and the attention/affection of a club packed to the rafters with sex-starved men, it’s not long before it goes beyond the pale or being a simply conventional contest. With a bit of instigation from the screaming audience and the onstage emcee, things quickly get out of control. Soon inhibitions disappear as the ladies put aside their pride (and the vast majority of their clothing) to come out on top. Who actually wins might ultimately surprise you but what’s not a surprise is that it’s not really the girl who wins at all but the crowd in attendance.

The disc continues in a similar vein for the duration of its 105 minute running time. Two years later, back at Webster Hall once again after the Puerto Rican Day Parade, Big Al runs into two sexy freaks from Boston willing to get raunchy for his camera. Another night, another party (May 2005) and Al somehow ends up dancing and making out with legendary pornstar Tiffany Mynx. Lastly, a trip to the Bronx in February 2007 brings us to the REAL Bada Bing and Big Al (“You’re ALWAYS here,” one of the girls tells him) takes us on a guided tour of the club and introduces us to a few of the dancers up close and personal backstage. In an additional 32 minutes of Special Features, you’ll get a glance at a whole lot of latino unity as Al kicks it with world-famous video vixen Gloria Velez at the Bada Bing, Terror Squad-ians Fat Joe and Remy Ma at a pool party in Miami, you got Lil Kim, Ice-T, Jadakiss, Fabolous and of course, more tits and ass in the form of a wet and wild shower show back at Al's favorite strip club in the whole world, Bronx's Bada Bing.

Hit Big Al’s MySpace up to get yourself a copy ‘cause I ain’t parting with mine. This is a definitely a joint you can just throw in the player during some “homie time” and kick back. And it feels every bit like the next best thing to being there.

God bless Cable Access.

Mono Loggin'

2008-07-28T20:38:00.000-07:00

Ben Affleck and Al Pacino both have a serious bone to pick with The Man Upstairs...

1 a: soliloquy 2 b: a dramatic sketch performed by one actor c: the routine of a stand-up comic
2: a literary composition written in the form of a soliloquy
3: a long speech monopolizing conversation

On the DOGMA DVD the chapter is entitled simply "Epiphany." It is, of course, describing Ben Affleck's Bartelby -- who, up until this major turning point, was the peacemaker of our angelic duo compared to his bloodthirsty companion-in-exile, Loki (Matt Damon) -- coming to the sudden realization that in order to get back into the Heaven from which he has been banished for all eternity that he, an angel, may have to actually kill a human. And not just any human, but the Last Scion (Linda Fiorentino), the last living descendant of Jesus Christ himself. For me, it was the realization that despite being a part of this low-budget but highly entertaining Kevin Smith-directed movie and talented ensemble, Ben Affleck is capable of shining BRIGHTLY if given the right opportunity. I'll admit to his leading man good looks but I never took Affleck seriously as an actor until I saw this scene. An odd movie to reach that conclusion, no question, but below is the scene and Affleck's star-making perf in its entirety.

DOGMA, (1999), "He gave them more than He ever gave us. He gave them a choice. They choose to acknowldege God or choose to ignore Him...They were favored best among all His endeavors and some of them don't even believe He EXISTS! And in spite of it all, He has shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us?"

In a movie that features a cardboard and blank-faced Keanu Reeves as hotshot Southern lawyer Kevin Lomax and the sublimely beautiful Charlize Theron sobbing uncontrollably when she's not flat-out weeping through the vast majority of her onscreen time as his neglected wife on the verge of a nervous breakdown, it seems as if the final fifteen minutes of DEVIL'S ADVOCATE with a scenery-chewing Al Pacino might be the only minutes even worth watching. Unfortunately, Mr. "Hoo-ha"'s classic and inspired tirade simply doesn't work without everything that precedes it. But make no mistake, all roads lead here. This scene is what it's all about, what every single event in DEVIL'S ADVOCATE has been building towards. And you'll find that the final act, this "hellish" climax, was worth every second. It's the over-the-top Pacino we've come to at least know if not love (see: SCENT OF A WOMAN, HEAT) but in this instance, his fire (heh) and his passion make perfect sense. Ingest a tiny bit of it for yourself.

DEVIL'S ADVOCATE, (1997), "Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster...He's a tight-ass! He's a sadist! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!"

Three More Days...

2008-07-15T18:11:00.001-07:00

Batman: Gotham Knight

Similar in spirit and intent to The Wachowski's THE ANIMATRIX and George Lucas' CLONE WARS, Batman: Gotham Knight consists of six interlocking animated shorts that serve to bridge the gap between BATMAN BEGINS and the upcoming THE DARK KNIGHT. Japanese directors, studios and production houses handle the animation duties while American writers already intimately familiar with the Caped Crusader tackle the storytelling. Below are images and a synopsis of each individual tale.

Have I Got a Story For You
Josh Olsen (A History of Violence)
Studio 4°C (Spriggan)

A lone child coasts up and down the concrete bends of an empty skate park, waiting patiently for more of his friends to arrive. "You won't believe where I've been!", his three friends say as they show up one after the other, each one just a little more eager than the next to tell their stories and one-up the last (very similar to the "Legends of the Dark Knight" episode from Season Four of BATMAN: THE ANIMATED SERIES, which is included, along with three other classic episodes, on the bonus disc of the 2-disc edition). The first child to spin his yarn, coincidentally, looks like a member of the mutant gang from THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS. In his story, Batman is a demonic and gaseous apparition. "Dudes, he's like this living shadow! Every time the guy gets a hand on him, he disappears back into the other shadows...then pops out somewhere else!" The next story, told by the girl of the group, imagines Batman as a living, flying human bat. She exaggerates, describing Batman decapitating his enemy. When one of her friends calls her on it, citing that Batman doesn't kill, she shoots back, "I'm making it more colorful, yo!" The third story has a mechanized, combat armor-covered Batman thwarting a robbery atop a skyscraper tourist attraction, arriving in a huge flying fortress. Just as the last story ends and the fourth friend complains of "missing all the action", Batman and his nemesis from the three previous stories, The Man In Black, come crashing through the window, continuing their fight. Just as the bad guy is about to get the drop on Bats, the fourth kid saves Batman by clocking the criminal from behind with his skateboard and he's able to see Batman for what he really is: just a (extraordinary but still very much human) man in a suit. "Nice work, kid. Looks like I owe you one."

Crossfire
Greg Rucka (Batman, Detective Comics, Gotham Central)
Production I.G. (Ghost in the Shell, Blood: The Last Vampire, Kill Bill Vol. 1, Jin-Roh, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Blue Seed, Patlabor)

Jacob Feeley, an escaped inmate referred to as The Man In Black and "the high-tech psycho" from the first story, gets mysteriously dropped off in Lt. James Gordon's office by the Batman. Gordon chooses two detectives from his hand-picked Major Crimes Unit who have been partners for six weeks, Crispus Allen (who is very vocal about his distrust of Batman) and Anna Ramirez (who disagrees and appreciates what Batman has done for Gotham -- "Because of him, I'm not ashamed to be a cop anymore.") to drive Feeley across the Narrows (which Ramirez refers to as "a whole island abandoned to madness" and still shut off from the rest of Gotham due to the events at the end of BATMAN BEGINS) and to Arkham Asylum to be incarcerated. Throughout the dangerous trip, (which Allen resents and considers to be "running an errand for a vigilante") the two clash repeatedly and Allen reveals his intentions to transfer out of Gordon's MCU after dropping off Feeley. When Ramirez pulls their car over to talk to Allen and perhaps change his mind, the two find themselves directly in between a confrontation between two rival gangs, Salvatore "Sal" Maroni's men and the men of a gangster known simply as "The Russian." Maroni's men are mowed down and Maroni hides behind Allen and Ramirez's vehicle, which The Russian obliterates with a rocket launcher. Everyone gets clear in time just as the Batman arrives on the scene, easily dispatching The Russian and his men and saving Allen's life. Maroni tries to take Ramirez hostage but Batman rescues her and upon recognizing her, notes that Lt. Gordon is a good judge of character before disappearing into the night. Allen, who has his pistol trained on Batman, can only watch in shocked amazement from a distance.

Field Test
Jordan Goldberg
Bee Train (Wild Arms, Noir)

Lucious Fox, the gadgets guru and head of Research & Development at Wayne Enterprises, invents a device that can deflect bullets. Bruce Wayne attends a charity golf tournament to get closer to businessman Ronald Marshall and discuss the recent mysterious death of a woman, Teresa Williams, who was a thorn in the side of Marshall. During the tournament, Wayne steals Marshall's PDA using Fox's new toy. Later that night on his yacht, Sal Maroni dresses down his men for not locating and killing The Russian. Suddenly, Maroni's boat is taken over (hijacked remotely by Batman), and crashed into another yacht, one occupied by The Russian and his men. Recognizing each other, both gangs immediately open fire. Batman leaps into action, Maroni's men's bullets being stopped by Lucious' invention. After taking out all of each boss' men, Batman, his hand around their throats, attempts to arrange a truce between Maroni and The Russian until he can accumulate more concrete evidence on both. An accord is reached but a Maroni man Batman must have missed fires a shot at him which is automatically deflected and ricochets into another of The Russian's lackeys. Batman rushes the young man to a hospital in a tense drive. "You killed me," the punk says. Batman gets the boy to help in time but Wayne has a talk with Fox the next day about the device, "It works too well, I'm willing to put my life on the line to do what I have to. But it has to be mine. No one else's." Lucious puts the device away, into a box and closes it, where we have to assume it will stay.

In Darkness Dwells
David Goyer (the Blade trilogy, Batman Begins)
Madhouse (Ninja Scroll, Vampire Hunter D: Bloodlust, Trigun, Highlander: The Search for Vengeance, Hellboy Animated, Todd McFarlane's Spawn, Perfect Blue, Wicked City, The Boondocks)

This segment opens with Lt. Gordon and MCU Detectives Ramirez and Allen investigating an incident of sudden mass hysteria at a cathedral where the preacher, Cardinal O'Fallon was abducted mid-sermon by a "lizard man." Alone, Gordon and Batman bounce ideas off of each other. Batman suspects Jonathan Crane aka The Scarecrow is responsible for the congregation's uncontrollable fear, stating that Crane has been at large since that night in the Narrows at the end of BATMAN BEGINS. Gordon confirms his suspicions by saying that CSI found traces of the weaponized hallucinogen Crane is known to use. Batman gives Gordon a communication device ("And in case you're tempted to try and track me with it, don't bother. The signal is locked with quantum cryptology. The signal bounces off a dozen different satellites. You'll never be able to follow it.") to keep in contact with him while he tracks O'Fallon's abductor down into Gotham's sewers. He's heard an urban legend about a "Killer Croc", a cannibal and he believes it to be true. "I've found some footprints. Based on the size and depth of the depressions, I'd estimate our monster is weighing more than three hundred pounds." As Batman makes his way through the murky, dimly-lit labyrinth, Gordon updates him from a helicopter flying overhead. It turns out that Killer Croc (real name: Waylon Jones) is a former circus sideshow freak and an inmate at Arkham Asylum where he was a test subject in Dr. Crane's fear aversion therapy program (his fear? Bats). Croc appears, Scarecrow's fear toxin boiling in his veins, and attacks Batman. Batman defeats him but not before he can bite Batman with his razor sharp teeth, infecting him with toxin as well. Batman finds Cardinal O'Fallon being put on trial by the Scarecrow for attempting to help the homeless, whom the Scarecrow states he doesn't want helped. Batman easily handles the Scarecrow's men, even with his judgment impaired, and uses the methane in the room to spark an explosion that allows him to escape with the Cardinal. Back on the surface, Gordon's helicopter arrives to usher the Cardinal to safety. He offers Batman a hand, but the injured Batman merely says, "Maybe next time" and flies off on his own.

Working Through Pain
Brian Azzarello (Batman, 100 Bullets, Hellblazer)
Studio 4°C

Back in the sewers, Batman is confronted by a fear toxin-infected man so frightened at the sight of him that he shoots Batman and runs away. Batman staggers to a secluded corner and pulls a device from his utility belt that cauterizes the wound. In a flashback, we see a young Bruce Wayne volunteering at a makeshift hospital, assisting doctors performing surgery without anesthesia. Back in the present, Batman attempts to climb his way up out of the sewers but is too weak. Another flashback finds Bruce at a market in India, looking for training. The group he wishes to train him won't accept him so he becomes the student of a woman named Cassandra, who is an outcast for deceiving the group that declined Bruce and teaching their secrets to outsiders. As a montage of Cassandra teaching Bruce skills that eventually sees him sleep on a bed of nails and walk on hot coals, Batman contacts Alfred and arranges to be picked up. Lying under the grate where Alfred is coming, Batman discovers a gun in the garbage. In flashback, Cassandra is harassed late one night by a group of young men at her home, calling her a betrayer for teaching Bruce. Before going outside to confront them she begs Bruce to stay inside but he disobeys her, taking on the group of men and using his martial arts skills (and his newly-learned skill of withstanding pain) to send them running. When he goes back inside looking for Cassandra, however, it is him who is sent packing. "It's time. You have learned what you wanted to, haven't you? You shouldn't thank me, Bruce. I failed you. You came asking for help in dealing with your pain. But your pain is beyond my abilities. Perhaps yours, as well. For your pain is leading you down a path you desire." In the present, Batman burrows deeper into the garbage beneath him, finding more and more guns. When Alfred finally arrives, he looks down into the sewer and asks for Batman's hand only to find Batman staring back up with two arms full of pistols. "I can't." Those final words and that final image of him staring up helplessly at Alfred is such a great metaphor: he can't reach out to even help himself because of the pain and the burden of the guns, which he won't leave behind so that they don't hurt anyone else in the future.

Deadshot
Alan Burnett (Batman Beyond)
Madhouse

"Deadshot" opens with Bruce reliving the night of his parents' murder. In his gym he does one-armed pushups to let off some steam but Alfred arrives with a large bag of pistols which he refers to as Wayne's "gun collection." Bruce reaches in, pulls one out and cocks it. "You have to know your enemy, Alfred. I'd never use one but even I can appreciate the attraction of a gun. The heft, the sleekness, the cool steel, the precision and the power. The power to change lives, history. The power of God." As he says this, somewhere else, a masked hitman is assembling his sniper rifle as he rides a ferris wheel. He fires a single shot, which goes several blocks and finds its mark, Mayor Manning, at a party holding a champagne glass. The bullet goes through his head, killing him instantly. The assassin leaves a single shell casing, engraved with the initials "D.S." on the amusement park ride. The next day, he sips drinks on a yacht with the man who contracted him to carry out the killing. He has another job, this time in Gotham. "The place is changing," the figure tells him. "The police are developing a backbone which is why we need this hit. Our Russian associates have been having difficulties there. His removal would alleviate most of their problems." Back in Gotham, Batman talks to Detective Crispus Allen on a rooftop where Allen reveals that Lt. Gordon has been targeted by the Russians for assassination by a mercenary named Deadshot. Batman vows to do his part to protect Gordon and hints that Deadshot may have been in Gotham before. He tosses Allen the PDA from "Field Test" that he stole from Ronald Marshall at the golf tournament. He says that in it there is evidence of a wire transfer made to someone just before Teresa Williams was killed. As Gordon's motorcade moves through the streets, Batman watches and Alfred lends satellite-assisted support from back in the Batcave. Gordon's car passes by two subway trains, one of which houses Deadshot, who has Gordon in his sights. Batman is able to deflect the bullet meant for Gordon but that is when Deadshot reveals his true intentions: to flush Batman out by going after Gordon and then kill Batman for his client. The climax takes place in a tunnel atop a moving subway car where Batman rushes Deadshot and uses the razors on his gloves to dislodge the machine gun mounted on his wrist and best him hand-to-hand. "It was just like that night in the alley, Alfred," Bruce says later. "The closeness of the walls, the gunfire. It seems I've been trying to stop those two bullets all my life. It's a fool's dream, Alfred. Sometimes I think I should just be done with it." But Bruce wanders to an open window where he sees the Bat-Symbol in the night sky and we know that his crusade will never end.

Why So...Villainous???

2008-07-04T17:37:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that the last time Bat-Mania gripped this country in such a way was almost 20 years ago. On June 23, 1989 Tim Burton's whacked-out vision of Bob Kane’s most culturally significant creation opened in theaters with Michael Keaton as eccentric billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne/caped crusader and Jack Nicholson as the Clown Prince of Crime, The Joker. By the time the BATMAN movie and the multitude of subsequent marketing tie-ins (everything from toys, t-shirts, the Skidz pants, MTV's Batmobile giveaway and anything else you can think of) had taken the world by storm, I had ingested nearly everything I could get my 13-year old hands on in the year and a half prior since learning the film was being put into production, including the campy albeit still entertaining ‘60s Adam West/Burt Ward television series. As it turns out, it was an excellent time to kick my comic collecting into full gear. '87-'89, whether intentional or not, turned out to be the most creative and influential years in the Batman mythos as I had ever experienced as a collector of any single comic book character. Beginning with BATMAN: YEAR ONE (Batman issues 404-407, written by Frank Miller and is the work that inspired me to go back and find individual issues of '86's THE DARK KNIGHT RETURNS, also by Miller) in '87, followed by the Alan Moore (V FOR VENDETTA) Joker "origin" story/graphic novel THE KILLING JOKE, The Joker murdering the second Robin, Jason Todd, in '88's A DEATH IN THE FAMILY (Batman issues 426-428) and finally Grant Morrison's (HELLBLAZER, which was adapted and became the Keanu Reeves vehicle, CONSTANTINE) ARKHAM ASYLUM.

As a nearly lifelong fan of all things Batman, never in my wildest imagination did I ever think that a movie this mature with such a great cast of acting talent featuring these characters would ever be made or that someone would care enough or be able to give such a great portrayal of Bats' most famous nemesis that it would potentially garner attention from the Academy. But right now, that's the buzz. And honestly, it comes as no surprise. Ever since I first saw stills of Heath Ledger in his rained-on, wind-streaked Joker makeup and especially after I heard his voice in the first THE DARK KNIGHT teaser trailer, I had the utmost confidence (confidence Christopher Nolan rightfully earned with BATMAN BEGINS) that Ledger (who I am not ashamed to admit won me over in BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN) would commit himself to the type of performance that would make moviegoers all but forget Jack Nicholson's hammy and over-the-top performance and finally portray the Joker correctly; as the psychopathic murderer and violent sociopath that I remembered from his appearances in the comics I named above that I loved so well. The more footage I see and the more word-of-mouth I hear from people who have been lucky enough to see advanced screenings, the more my suspicions are confirmed. There are those that say the odds are against him. They cite that only one actor has ever won an Oscar posthumously (Peter Finch, Best Actor in 1976 for NETWORK) and conventional wisdom says that the Academy generally doesn't award actors who are playing the "bad guy." That may have been the case in the past but in my lifetime, that stance has significantly, substantially and obviously softened. Here are five notable winners who weren't exactly sympathetic or heroic yet still took home that golden statuette:

BEST ACTOR – 1991 – ANTHONY HOPKINS, THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (dir. Jonathan Demme)

Dr. Hannibal "The Cannibal" Lector (Anthony Hopkins) mentally breaks down FBI Agent Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster): "You know what you look like to me with your good bag and your cheap shoes? You look like a rube."

BEST ACTOR – 2001 – DENZEL WASHINGTON, TRAINING DAY (dir. Antoine Fuqua)

Crooked cop Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington) shows his rookie partner, Jake (Ethan Hawke) the ropes on his first day: "You lucky..If I ain't have more pressing business I'd cut your fuckin' dick off and stick it right up that little funky ass of yours, bitch!"

BEST ACTOR – 2006 – FOREST WHITAKER, THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (dir. Kevin McDonald)

Director Kevin McDonald talks about casting Forest Whitaker as reviled and brutal dictator Idi Amin: ”He actually said to me, 'You don't think I can be angry enough, do you?'"

BEST ACTOR – 2007 – DANIEL DAY-LEWIS, THERE WILL BE BLOOD (dir. Paul Thomas Anderson)

Ruthless oilman Daniel Plainview (Daniel Day-Lewis) finally enters the relgiously fanatical Paul Sunday’s (Paul Dano) church to seek “salvation”: “I am a sinner. I AM A SINNER. I’m sorry, Lord.”

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – 2007 – JAVIER BARDEM, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (dir. Joel & Ethan Coen)

Unsettling hitman Anton Chigurh (Javier Bardem) creepily toys with a potential victim, a small gas station owner (Gene Jones): "What’s the most you’ve ever lost on a coin toss? Call it. Just call it. You need to call it. I can't call it for you. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Of course, I’m reserving final judgment until I actually see THE DARK KNIGHT on July 18 but I’d say Heath Ledger has more of a shot at Oscar gold than people seem to think.

Today It Rained Champagne

2008-06-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

...or The Who’s TOMMY aka “the movie responsible for fucking up my life.”

Ann-Margret's snifter (and maybe more) needs filling.

I might be revealing my age by asking this question but do you remember the HBO series, “Dream On”? In the opening credits, you see the main character put in front of the television as an infant by his mother and proceed to see him grow up in front of that very same set while real life around him passes him by. As a result, during his adulthood when faced with certain situations his mind flashes back to various clips from old movies, television shows and commercials. The great and unique part of the show was that these flashbacks were situationally appropriate and often used to hilarious effect. If a woman made Martin mad, you might see that classic clip from “The Public Enemy” where James Cagney smashes a grapefruit into Mae Clarke’s face, for instance.

What do baked beans, laundry detergent and chocolate have in common? Ann-Margret inadvertantly made them all a part of one of my earliest masturbatory fantasies.

I totally related because my childhood wasn’t unlike Martin’s. I was exposed to so much I probably shouldn’t have been at a such an impressionable young age because my parents basically let the idiot box babysit me. That’s not to say they were bad parents but with no supervision and no such invention as the V-chip during my formative years, I watched nearly EVERYTHING. And as a result, I got my brains scrambled in one of the worst possible ways. There’s no way a steady diet of tentacle-rape hentai, LSD-influenced rock operas and ‘80s-era softcore porn can be good for human being in the single digits. I’m no psychologist but the odds of you turning out “normal” are decreased exponentially, I’d wager.

I can assure you, love's got NOTHING to do with what you're about to see from this Nutbush, TN native. View at your own risk.

But nothing and I mean NOTHING, probably freaked me out more as a kid than seeing TOMMY. I can’t even single out a particular scene (though, the scene that shows what initially traumatizes young Tommy is pretty powerful stuff); it was ALL screwed up to me. As an adult, it’s obviously a little less scary (albeit only a little) but no child should be voluntarily or even inadvertantly subjected to that movie. The scene with Tina Turner (“The Acid Queen”, the original Krazee-Eyez Killa) stuck with me my entire LIFE until I was old enough to see the movie in my late teens and make sense of it. But as a 7-year old? That scene was frightening. Absolutely HORRIFYING, actually. It was as if someone finally came up with a method to film a NIGHTMARE. Incidentally, I’m STILL terrified of Tina Turner to this very day as a result. The silver lining, depending on your point of view, is that I’m still very much attracted to older women...and Ann-Margret.

Ann-Margret influenced your favorite porn stars not only with her skin-tight mesh outfits but by hanging around creepy and old bearded pervs before it was cool.

I guess the moral is, if you’re reading this and you’re anywhere near my age, it’s likely you have a few children of your own. And if you do, I beg you, please be more responsible than my parents were. Watch what your kids are watching. Monitor their viewing habits. Young minds are fragile, easily influenced and even more easily warped. I’m living proof. And you don’t want your kids to turn out like me. Trust me.

Write Different

2008-06-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

Whether it was a load of creatively pretentious b.s. or whether he cribbed it from someone else, a friend once told me that everyone has one great idea; everything they do afterwards is just a variation of that original idea. I thought it an impossibly preposterous notion when I first heard him say it but nowadays, the more music I listen to, the more movies I watch, the more I’m inclined to believe him. Not that this is necessarily always a bad thing.

It’s not uncommon to find folks who are fans of their favorite actors and if you’re lucky enough, you may even be able to find someone dedicated or educated enough to follow certain directors. But how many people observe the career path of screenwriters? Sure, there are a few that nearly everyone knows but for me, the late ‘80s and the late ‘90s respectively belonged to two guys who inspired and continue to inspire me and not only redefined but completely owned the genres they specialized in.

While it may have originally debuted in the US on January 20, 1998, episodes from the first season of DAWSON’S CREEK didn’t make their way to Misawa, Japan (where I was stationed as a Marine at the time) until much later that year. Seeing as how network television wasn’t readily available to us, we had to rely strictly on word of mouth, videotapes sent by family or hope AFRTS (which we affectionately referred to as “A-Farts” but actually stood for the Armed Forces Radio and Television Service who, of course, tended to only show the most boring, family-related programming) picked a show up to see it. I didn’t even figure I was missing anything much until September 17, 1998. That was the day I walked by a local newsstand I frequented and saw a 19-year old and tanned brunette enchantress, wearing only a tank top and denim cutoffs, her body inserted through a tire swing, a quiet sea of blue serving as the backdrop. And I immediately fell in love with "…those eyes, those eyes just stained with loneliness." That girl was Katie Holmes and that quote about her eyes was from DAWSON’S CREEK’s creator, writer Kevin Williamson. Now I HAD to watch.

And watch I did. The most common criticism leveled against the show is the reason why I fell in love with it. The teenagers on DAWSON’S CREEK didn’t talk like teens at all (one mag went so far as to say they “talk like they came from a planet ruled by Manhattan psychologists, one where small talk is punishable by death."). Or maybe most people tend to sell teenagers short because to me, the characters didn’t speak a lot differently from myself, just a little better scripted, of course, but there wasn’t a huge or dramatic disparity.

As it turns out, Williamson single-handedly breathed new life into the "teen horror" genre in the late ‘90s and set new standards for what was considered typical adolescent dialogue. In 1996, a screenplay he had written and sold to Miramax back in ’94 originally titled “Scary Movie” was directed by Wes Craven (A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET) and released as SCREAM (ironic that the Wayans’ SCREAM parody ended up being called SCARY MOVIE, a title they likely knowingly stole seeing as how they don’t seem to have a single original idea). I shouldn’t have to describe at length how popular SCREAM was and what it started. 1997 brought I KNOW WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER (which starred, in another bit of irony, Sarah Michelle Gellar who was best known as “Buffy The Vampire Slayer”, a role that Katie Holmes had reportedly turned down) which Columbia Pictures rushed out and shamelessly touted as being “from the writer of SCREAM”, despite having purchased the screenplay from Williamson before he sold SCREAM to Miramax. To counter, Miramax hurried SCREAM 2 into production (in addition to filing a lawsuit against Columbia), which also came out in 1997. However, I had no idea that Williamson was responsible for any of these movies at the time of their release.

The first movie I went to see that I was actually aware that Williamson wrote was the first movie I saw when I landed back in the US after being in Japan for nearly three years. That movie was THE FACULTY and I remember having the most girlish conversation ever for a former Marine to have on my way home from the airport with my girlfriend’s younger sister, trying to catch up on what I had been missing on DAWSON’S CREEK (AFRTS had only aired four episodes before I put Misawa in my rearview). I’d love to say that Williamson’s script was the main reason for me being excited about it but the truth was yet another young bronzed brunette named Jordana Brewster (D.E.B.S.) caught my eye on the movie poster and Robert Rodriguez (DESPERADO, FROM DUSK TILL DAWN) was directing, which inevitably meant the inclusion of Salma Hayek as part of the cast. A Williamson script with Rodriguez behind the camera? A match made in heaven, right? Well, not quite. But it was still great fun (Famke Janssen has a small part and Piper Laurie, best known for her roles in THE HUSTLER and CARRIE, also appears) for a movie that Williamson himself pitched as “Invasion of the Body Snatchers meets The Breakfast Club” (In fact, Williamson has a great affection for John Hughes-like conventions that are very evident in his work. Just see Episode 7 of Dawson’s Creek's first season, “Detention” and his casting of Molly Ringwald in TEACHING MRS. TINGLE). It was also the movie where I started to recognize that at least one of Williamson’s lead characters are almost always named Casey, except on DAWSON’S CREEK where Joshua Jackson’s character is named PACEY.

Unfortunately, screenwriters don’t always make the best directors. Stepping behind the camera for the first time in 1999, Williamson directed TEACHING MRS. TINGLE, which starred guess who, Katie Holmes, in a screenplay Williamson penned as a student at UCLA that was originally titled ”Killing Mrs. Tingle” but renamed due to the massacre at Columbine High School. I don’t recall the movie doing brisk business or reading a single favorable review. I didn’t see it in theaters but instead opted to rent it when it dropped and I don’t remember a single thing about it; a sure-fire personal sign that there wasn’t anything special about it TO remember. It did, however, show itself to be a writer's movie with Helen Mirren's and Katie Holmes' characters more than once clashing over the meaning of the word "irony":

Mrs. Tingle: Always the victim, aren't we, Ms. Watson?
Leigh Ann Watson: Well there are certain similarities between society today and seventeenth century Salem. I guess that would be the irony of it all.
Mrs. Tingle: Irony is the opposite of what is or might be expected. For example, if Ms. Watson was expecting an A on her history project, she might find the actual result to be rather ironic.

Later...

Mrs. Tingle: Always the salem witch, completely innocent, wrongly accused.
Leigh Ann Watson: Ironic, isn't it?
Mrs. Tingle: You still don't know what that word means. Metaphoric, yes. Symbolic, maybe. But there's no irony involved. Would you please look that word up?

I’m not sure what he’s up to today (other than a few assorted projects here and there and the fact that he came out of the closet in 1999) but Williamson had one hell of a run while it lasted. Nothing like the next writer I’m going to discuss but awfully close...

Greed Is Good

2008-05-14T19:26:00.000-07:00

Glengarry Glen Ross (1992) "I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it."

Alec Baldwin

Boiler Room (2000) "Anybody who tells you money is the root of all evil doesn't fucking have any!"

Ben Affleck

Break Up To Make Up

2008-05-12T12:49:00.000-07:00

As WILD THINGS in my previous post showed us, sometimes the most passionate lovemaking on film starts out with a good tussle...

The Postman Always Rings Twice (1981), "Wait a minute! Wait! Get off. All right, come on. Come on! COME ON!!!"

Jack Nicholson and Jessica Lange

I didn’t see THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE until 1997, after trading a stack of porn on VHS for some classics on DVD (back then, a brand spankin' new format and VHS, in my eyes, was on its final legs) that a friend had fraudulently acquired but had little use for since he hadn't yet purchased a DVD player (I also got COOL HAND LUKE, DOG DAY AFTERNOON, CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF, ONE FLEW OVER THE CUCKOO'S NEST and a few others). I had heard lots about it, however, and I remember not being able to wait to see this infamous spur-of-the-moment sex scene between Jack and Jessica (somewhat off-topic, one of my best friends from high school went on to marry one of Lange's neices) on the kitchen table of Cora’s diner that was so hot that people often wondered if it wasn’t genuine (and fans of film just loooove those “did they or didn’t they?” moments in cinema). Real or not, you’ll see for yourself that it’s every bit as good as advertised; I wasn’t disappointed. Also, should you ever want to see the movie in its entirety, keep an eye out for a young Boy Scout who, at the time, no one knew would grow up to become a man with a history of violence, future MMA champ Chuck Liddell.

A History of Violence (2005), "Get off of me. Fuck you, 'JOEY'!!! Get off!"

Viggo Mortensen and Maria Bello

Little known fact: A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE is actually a comic book adaptation. That’s right. Written by John Wagner and illustrated by Vince Locke, A History of Violence was a graphic novel released the same year I first saw THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, 1997. So when I heard David Cronenberg was set to direct a motion picture based on it starring Viggo Mortensen (and who hasn’t had at least a slight man-crush on LOTR’s Aragorn since this fine example of inhuman Middle-Earth bad-assery?) and Maria Bello (who, since THE COOLER, has always reminded me of a slightly sluttier version of MULHOLLAND DR’s Naomi Watts), I was psyched. I missed it in theaters so I had to wait for the DVD (this movie, ironically, was the final Hollywood motion picture released on VHS...only eight long years after I "predicted" the death of tapes). Of all the reviews I read of this movie before I saw it, I don't recall a single critic mentioning the busted-lip, body-bruising “love” scene between “Tom” and “Edie” that spontaneously jumps off in their stairwell after Viggo's character reveals a long-kept secret to his betrayed wife. It’s certainly worth mentioning. And remembering, as you’ll soon see.

HLA

2008-05-11T16:50:00.000-07:00

BOUND (1996), "Isn't it obvious? I'm trying to seduce you."

Jennifer Tilly and Gina Gershon

WILD THINGS (1998), "You are scared, aren't you?"

Denis Richards and Neve Campbell

MULHOLLAND DR. (2001), "And you don't have to sleep on that couch. This is a huge bed. Come on, just get in and get a good night's sleep."

Naomi Watts and Laura Harring

Nowhere Fast? Think Again!

2008-05-10T17:18:00.000-07:00

THE MATRIX Trilogy is the Wachowski’s best-known and crowning achievement for a reason. Borrowing liberally from science fiction of all sorts, cyberpunk culture, hacker subculture, video games, comic books, anime, philosophy and religion, The Matrix was a heady, mind-bending amalgam that changed not only the way such stories were told but the way they were shot technically and presented visually. Ever since BOUND, The Wachowki’s have always been cinematic innovators. Well…they’ve done it again.

SPEED RACER is as big and loud as it is bright and shiny. And eye candy? If by some miraculous in vitro abnormality I happened to be born with retinas that were covered in taste buds rather than tiny veins, I’d have gone into sugar shock from the opening sequence alone. The races, which seamlessly blend and blur the lines between live-action and animation but never feel poorly conceived or a case of CGI being overused, will instantly recall an LSD-infused version of the racing game F-ZERO combined with Disney’s TRON and the pod races from THE PHANTOM MENACE, humanly-impossible to navigate twisting neon-lit tracks littered with futuristically-modified Hot Wheels cars being driven by an eclectic bunch of “headhunters, jackals and thugs” better suited for a pro wrestling ring competing for belts and busty valets than trophies and checkered flags. All of this with the most wacked-out “visualization” option you can imagine on your Media Player of choice as the backdrop. The cityscapes are part AKIRA, part Besson’s THE FIFTH ELEMENT and more than anything else, very reminiscent of George Lucas’ STAR WARS prequels. In short, SPEED RACER, with costume design that is almost DICK TRACY-like in its eye-popping-ness and primary colors, is absolutely fuckin’ gorgeous and during its races, you’ll often find yourself with your mouth hanging open, fingertips digging into your arm rest and leaning back in your seat trying to remind yourself to breathe.

Literally chasing his brother’s ghost when the movie opens, “Speed” is the latest driver in the Racer family, which includes his father Pops (John Goodman), his mother Mom (Susan Sarandon), his younger brother Spritle (Paulie Litt) and Spritle’s pet chimp, Chim Chim. So close to the Racers that they are practically family are mechanic Sparky (Kick Gurry) and Speed’s girlfriend, Trixie (Christina Ricci). Throughout this first race a series of flashbacks show how single-minded young Speed was about racing, how he met Trixie and most importantly how his much-admired older brother Rex died doing the very thing Speed loves so much. Impressed by Speed Racer’s uncanny driving skill is the head of Royalton Industries, Royalton (Roger Allam, who you will recognize from V FOR VENDETTA where he played Lewis Prothero “The Voice of London”, a movie rumored to have actually been directed by the Wachowski’s) who sets about wooing Speed to join his team via expensive gifts and a WILLY WONKA-like tour of his factory. When Speed (part neckchiefed Elvis Presley with his oil slick-black pompadour and part James Bond with his tricked-out Mach V car) rejects his offer things turn ugly and Royalton uses his corrupt racing connections in the form of gangster Cruncher Block (John Benfield) to give Speed an eye-opening and difficult lesson in who really controls what happens on the track and the “unassailable might of money.” Desperate to prove Royalton wrong, Speed along with the help of his dark guardian angel “The Harbinger of Boom” Racer X (Matthew Fox) embark on a series of hard-fought, heart-stopping races that will hopefully make Royalton eat his words.

With a voice that effortlessly switches back and forth from booming and authoritative to calm and firm, John Goodman has been America’s dad since he was “Dan Conner” and made being married to obnoxious and overweight loudmouth Roseanne Barr, even fictitiously, look like a do-able task. Playing “Pops” isn’t a tremendous stretch. Susan Sarandon, for her part, also embodies all the qualities of your typical housewife as “Mom” and she puts it all behind the warm and caring face of everyone’s mother or the face everyone’s mother should have; the face that seems to look deeper than just the surface and conveys that she knows you inside out without her uttering a single word of motherly reassurance. Round-faced and saucer-eyed Christina Ricci’s face is practically an anime caricature as is; she appears right at home here saying things like “Cool beans” and “Hubba hubba,” openly doting on her beau. LOST’s Matthew Fox as Racer X was very Aaron Eckhart-ish – handsome and mysterious – behind his black leather, identity-shielding digs. Which brings us lastly to Emile Hirsch (THE GIRL NEXT DOOR, ALPHA DOG) who as the lead and “Speed” Racer isn’t really required to do a ton of heavy-lifting acting-wise, still seems to have learned everything he knows about his craft from watching lots of early Leonardo DiCaprio.

The running time is long, the language was, at times, surprisingly coarse and the story’s a bit heavy for children to handle (talk of corporate sponsorship, the stock market, fixers and villains straight out of the British underworld of a Guy Ritchie movie will likely go over most youngsters’ heads) but the Wachowski’s have done their job in providing the summer its first fun and campy thrill-ride and a visually entertaining spectacle, to boot.

Just like they always have.

Cast-Iron Casting

2008-05-05T14:09:00.000-07:00

Any comic book/movie buff worth his or her salt likely got very excited whenever they first heard that Robert Downey, Jr. would be cast as Tony Stark in this summer’s first legitimate blockbuster, IRON MAN. The idea was a perfect one and it made perfect sense but only to those who know the Tony Stark character AND have followed Downey’s tumultuous career (sadly, the movie version of Tony Stark doesn’t battle his demons of alcoholism in this installment). His talent so prodigious and the parallels in his own life so similar to Stark’s, it was a natural match. But if you had no idea about any of this you could only be excited about that metal CGI warrior flying through the clear blue sky in the trailers and Downey, growing a sculpted goatee like Stark’s, cracking wise as his pretty red and gold suit made things go boom.

Finally, this weekend the world got to see what longtime IRON MAN and Robert Downey, Jr. fans alike have known all along. As Tony Stark, Downey couldn’t more closely resemble the fictitious character in appearance and playboy swagger and now given a grand stage on which to perform, everyone can see his considerable talent, not-so-subtle wit and underappreciated comedic timing on full display, as well. As Ben Stiller (who directed Downey in the upcoming TROPIC THUNDER) said recently, “Finally this summer [Robert] gets to have his cake and let us eat him up all the way to the multiplex.”

By now everyone should be familiar with the story: weapons manufacturer and technological genius Tony Stark, while visiting Afghanistan demonstrating new weaponry for the US military, has his convoy ambushed and in the ensuing fracas is wounded and captured. His captors, in particular a menacing bald baddie with Ghengis Khan-like ambitions, demand that Stark duplicate his technology for him or be killed. Instead, Stark fashions a one-man, weapons-laden scrap-metal calamity (a hulking, iron homage to the Golden Age Mark I suit) and escapes, decimating the lion's share of his tormentors and their entire camp in the process. Once back in the US, having seen the effects his death-dealing has had on the rest of the world, Stark immediately halts Stark Industries' production on any and all military weaponry. However, there are still bad guys out there in the world using his weapons to their own evil ends. But with all the right materials at his disposal at home, Tony can easily fashion a better suit and put an end to that...

Director Jon Favreau (who cameos as one of Tony’s handlers/bodyguards, Hogan) surrounds Downey with an impressive supporting cast (maybe not nearly as impressive as Christopher Nolan’s BATMAN franchise but pretty darn close) that includes HUSTLE & FLOW’s Terrance Howard as Stark’s best friend and Air Force pilot, James Rhodes. Howard, as anyone who has seen the aforementioned HUSTLE & FLOW, CRASH or PRIDE knows, can convey intense and real emotion with the best of them and just through the sheer power and wavering tone of his voice, despite his limited screen time, makes you believe that he and Stark have known and genuinely cared for each other for years (in a nod to Marvel comics continuity, Rhodes slyly glances at a single-color Iron Man suit prototype in Stark’s garage for a moment, teasing perhaps putting it on and joining his best friend on his mission. He smirks: “Next time.” For those who haven’t followed the mythos over the years, Rhodes does in fact don an Iron Man suit of his own and dubs himself War Machine when Stark fakes his own death).

Joining Downey and Howard are Gwyneth Paltrow and Jeff Bridges, Paltrow as Stark’s loyal assistant and sweet near-love interest, Virginia "Pepper" Potts. I’m always impressed when a star as big as Paltrow (her Oscar isn't exactly of the 'Marissa Tomei' variety) is able to put aside whatever reservations they might have to take a smaller role that another actor might consider beneath them (Michael Caine as Alfred, anyone?) and then nail it so pitch-perfectly you can hardly see anyone else in their place. As much as Downey was Stark, Gwyneth was Pepper. People who only know Jeff Bridges as “The Dude” in the Coen’s cult-classic THE BIG LEBOWSKI will hardly recognize him as the bald and bearded Obadiah Stane, the man who ran Stark Industries after Tony’s parents were killed in an automobile accident but had to relinquish control when Tony was old enough to run the business himself. He may smile widely in Tony’s face, dress sharp and accept awards on Tony’s behalf while Tony gambles, drinks and womanizes but beneath all his cigar-chomping “I’m only looking out for your best interest” speeches lies a dangerous nemesis with a whole lot of resentment towards our hero, especially when Tony changes the company’s direction after escaping captivity.

Favreau, shockingly, manages to almost effortlessly put it all together into an immensely entertaining and cohesive package that, while running well over two hours, never feels overly long and certainly never drags. Hell, I felt it ended too soon and I can’t recall the last time I felt that way about a movie of this type with this sort of running time. Thankfully and in a surprise to virtually no one, the door is left wide open for a sequel at the movie’s conclusion, of course. Given this one’s tremendous and various successes, IRON MAN will be hard to top. But in watching the final few minutes I took a long hard look at Paltrow and Downey onscreen together and wondered to myself, “Would I rather see these two again in a few summers or Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst? After suffering through Spider-Man 3?” Please...

Bring on IRON MAN II.

"It's Complicated..."

2008-05-04T15:50:00.000-07:00

A Messiah complex is a state in which the individual believes him/herself to be, or is destined to become, the saviour of the particular field, a group, an event, a time period, or in an extreme scenario, the world.

I happen to have a Mariah complex. Mariah Milano has, in recent times, proven herself to be, if she chose to, a standout talent in the latina genre. With the help of her model-gorgeous face, her smooth bronze complexion and unmistakable tanlines, not to mention her perpetually-erect and puffy nipples, her scenes have been transcendent and powerful; if no one else’s, she saves MY world from time to time. Based strictly on physical appearance, she's totally my type: it's almost as if it were fate.

The Cassandra complex is a term applied in situations in which valid warnings, predictions or concerns are dismissed or disbelieved.

For months now I’ve lived with the pain of the foreknowledge that Cassandra Calogera is the “future” while having my opinion dismissed as the insane ramblings of a sick porn-addled mind. But in the large natural breast arena I’ve known since I first laid eyes on her, her trademark pout and hypnotizing gaze that Cassandra is The Redeemer and all lesser performers will one day kneel at her feet.

Five by Five

2008-04-12T16:26:00.000-07:00

25TH HOUR (2002), “You can be from wherever you want. I was just curious.”

Spike Lee follows the last day of freedom in drug dealer Monty Brogan’s (Edward Norton) life before he heads to Otisville prison to do a seven-year bid. The movie is one of Spike’s best (BAMBOOZLED being my personal fave) and contains one of his strongest casts but the reason this clip is here is because watching this the other day I never realized that in this scene (a flashback to when Monty first meets his current girlfriend, Naturelle Rivera) Rosario Dawson and Vanessa Ferlito share screen time long before they starred in Tarantino’s DEATH PROOF together (though they have no scenes together in that). It’s also hilarious that Monty literally picks up a much younger woman ON A PLAYGROUND.

OUT OF SIGHT (1998), “Let’s get outta here.”

When bank robber Jack Foley (George Clooney) escapes prison he takes a hostage, US Federal Marshal Karen Sisco (Jennifer Lopez) and the two end up sharing trunk space and being inexplicably attracted to one another despite being from two very opposite worlds. After chasing Jack across several states (to apprehend him, for other, more personal reasons or both), Karen is having a drink alone at a posh hotel when Jack suddenly and very suavely appears. Anyone who has seen the movie will also note that this is the point when the numerous flashbacks get closer and closer together until we are in the present and the flashbacks cease. Meanwhile, “Gary” and “Celeste” allow themselves to enjoy one night of passion together before going back to who they really are immediately after.

ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND (2004)

I was surprised to find that someone liked this scene as much as I did enough to post it on YouTube. It’s not even an integral or important piece of the movie but one that I just found very cute in a relationship sort of way. In it, Joel (Jim Carrey) and Clementine (Kate Winslet) take turns smothering each other, a silly and playful game, something between lovers that some might find odd but it’s “theirs”, ya know? It’s a shame it’s dubbed in French because I love the part where Winslet says, “Okay, one more then it’s my turn.”

CLOSER (2004), “You're phenomenal. You're so clever.”

This is one of the most brutal and heart-wrenching breakups in a movie EVER. Larry (Clive Owen) returns home from a business trip, ready to confess to wife Anna (Julia Roberts) that he cheated on her with a prostitute while he was away only to have her hit him with an even bigger bombshell: she’s leaving him for Dan (Jude Law, who is simultaneously breaking the news to his girlfriend Alice, played by Natalie Portman). Owen launches into a downright scary interrogation of Roberts that’s part justified, part sad, part sadistic and masochistic but all the way nasty. I think Julia’s final retort will take almost anyone who figures her only an onscreen sweetheart by absolute surprise.

I HEART HUCKABEES (2004), “You're a hypocrite. You're misleading these childen.”

In this clip Albert Markovski (Jason Schwartzman) and Tommy Corn (Mark Wahlberg), Albert’s “other”, both of whom have hired a pair of “existential detectives” (played by Dustin Hoffman and Lily Tomlin) have dinner with the adopted family (consisting of Jean Smart and Jonah Hill) of an African doorman, who Albert is convinced holds the key to one of his many “coincidences.” Hilarity ensues when the head of the family’s occupation turns out to be at direct odds with the idealogy of Albert’s “Open Spaces” coalition and everyone disagrees with Tommy’s take on the use of petroleum.

The (Hidden) Stones That The Builder Refused...

2008-03-28T20:33:00.000-07:00

The Boondocks Season 2 Episode 14
The Hunger Strike

In an effort to have BET removed from the air completely, Huey takes a stand and goes on a hunger strike. His protest catches the attention of media monger Rev Rollo Goodlove, who reappears to once again hitch his spotlight-seeking wagon to the publicity and media circus surrounding the event much to the chagrin of the network's inept executives, Weggie Rudlin & Deborah Leevil.

The Boondocks Season 2 Episode 15
The Uncle Ruckus Reality Show

BET gives Uncle Ruckus his own reality show in their bid to further brainwash and de-educate their black viewership. Eager to confirm his true heritage, Ruckus visits a genealogist who reveals a shocking truth...at least, to Ruckus.

Buy Any Jeans Necessary

2008-03-26T19:12:00.000-07:00

Kanye West is an easy guy to hate.

Despite the great music and crafting possibly the best hip-hop album of last year in GRADUATION he's still an annoying and arrogant prick. You can argue all you like about it being justified but that doesn't erase the fact that the personality that he presents in public, despite his signficant and considerable talent, is still very much that of an asshole.

But you've got to give it to the guy when it comes to self-promotion. And if you didn't hear about his Listening Party for GRADUATION before it dropped, the word is if you weren't there...well, then you missed out. In addition to doing the customary "party to my all-new music" thing, West set his songs to a few classic works of science fiction and anime, creating a listening "experience" that has now been leaked to the 'net. As you will witness below, the marriage was marvelous.

Enjoy.

Akira.

2001: A Space Odyssey.

TRON.

Oldboy.

When They Reminisce...

2008-03-16T15:58:00.000-07:00

In the orgasmic clutches of the Excessive Machine: Jane Fonda, Barbarella (1968).

Jesus Quintana (John Turturro) in The Big Lebowski (1998). That creep can roll, man.

Takeshi Kitano (aka Beat Takeshi) and the boys and girls of Class 3-B in 2000's Battle Royale. Not pictured: their grisly and violent deaths.

Pornification Globalization

2008-03-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

Not only is porn big business, it’s worldwide business. But when most fans think of foreign-born talent, the majority of the names on the tips of their collective tongues come from Prague or somewhere else in or near the Czech Republic (Angel Dark, Jane Darling, Monica Sweetheart, Silvia Saint, Nikita Denise, Liliane Tiger, Sharka Blue, Laura Lion, Daria Glower, Barbara Summer) Hungary (Michelle Wild, Rita Faltoyano, Mandy Bright, Cynthia Pendragon, Laura Orsolya) or perhaps even Germany (Ana Nova, Katja Kassin, Annette Schwarz) and France (Melissa Lauren, Katsumi) and we’ve even managed to import a few Canadians (Shyla Stylez, Lauren Phoenix, Lanny Barbie) to all take part in our morally corrupt flesh trade.

Personally, I have a weakness for British accents. Seriously. Like, I’ve seen SPICE WORLD from start to finish an embarrassing number of times just to hear those girls speak. It’s pretty goddamn ridiculous. I can still get my fix currently with stars like Alexis Silver, Savannah Gold and Leah Jaye but I still miss the days when I had options like Destiny Deville, Michelle B., Jamie Brooks, Carmel Moore, Alexis May and Hannah Harper (or even Cathy Barry, Kirsten Halborg and Denise Davies on occasion).

The following girls are five of my favorite dirty birds from the UK to ever get "buggered" on these shores and a few of their best scenes when paired with stateside talent.

US vs. UK

5. Sophie Dee
Birthplace: Llanelli, Wales
Born: January 17, 1984
Like most pornstars, Sophie was a bit more voluptuous when she first arrived here but the one thing that will never change is that adorable, bashful smile and her oversized, electric blue eyes. Her DP at the hands of Mark Wood and Alec Knight in “Ass Appeal #5” (Hustler, 2007; dir: Van Styles) is what two-on-one sex should look like, while if you ever wanted to know what it might be like to do Sophie yourself, check out “Filthy Anal POV #2” (Acid Rain, 2006; dir: Benjamin Brat) which pits her versus Tony T.

4. Holly Wellin
Birthplace: Wigan, England
Born: July 4, 1986
Ten years my junior and ironically enough born on this country’s independence day, Manchester, England native Holly Wellin has long been a personal favorite; I’ve gone so far as to say her glory hole scene in Belladonna’s “Cock Happy” (Evil Angel, 2006; dir: Belladonna) with Mark Ashley was the most enjoyable outing in the bunch and in my eyes, stole the entire show, even with it being the living legend Belladonna’s triumphant and long-awaited return to boy/girl sex. She’s matched against Jerry & Mark Wood in “Gaped Crusaders” (Hustler, 2006; dir: Van Styles) and once again, Van ends up capturing yet another stroker’s time capsule-worthy DP.

3. Alicia Rhodes
Birthplace: Manchester, England
Born: September 8, 1978
After hearing so much about and eventually seeing her performance in “7 The Hard Way #2” (Red Light District, 2003; dir: Vince Vouyer), I felt almost proud to plunk my money down on the counter and purchase “Double Dip’Er #2” (JM Productions, 2003; dir: Francesca Le) where she also happens to front the box, the poles of Mark Wood and Scott Lyons filling both of her holes. I’m generally not a fan of gangbangs (or anything where the amount of cocks outnumber the pairs of tits present) but the 40 minute-plus endurance trial she puts on in ”7 The Hard Way #2” with Brandon Iron, Dick Delaware, Randy Spears, Steve Holmes, Tony Tedeschi, Benjamin Brat and Scott Lyons made a strong and long-lasting impression on a lot of people. How can you not love a slut who readily admits, “I’m a filthy whore and you’re my fucking rent boys!!!” while being stuffed airtight by a basketball team plus two?

2. Roxy Jezel
Birthplace: London, England
Born: June 5, 1982
If there’s one universally recognized fact about Club Jenna girl Roxy Jezel it’s that she simply does not tire. You can NOT wear her out. She’s a hummingbird on crystal meth, something that was first brought to my attention in ”Banana Cream Pie #2” (Video Team, dir: David Aaron Clark) with Brian Surewood, Brett Rockman and Brian Heston. I hadn’t ever seen Roxy in action before and I was genuinely taken aback by her boundless energy. Then came “Asian Bang” (Video Team, 2005; dir: Xavier Blaze).

I said, ”The coup de grace here is Roxy Jezel. The girl is simply a Duracel battery...who ends up fucking the absolute shit out of [Brian Surewood] in a one-on-one on his desk. Their tryst alone would be enough to satisfy most viewers but then Surewood invites in Steven French, Jack Venice and Buster Good and all. Hell. Breaks. Loose. Of course, she's humped silly in every orifice, wailing and shrieking for more every second of the way. I mean, honestly, I can only think of two words to describe the finale and that is "Jesus Christ." Roxy is in a performance class all her own as we all know but Lord, I haven't seen her fucked this well by multiple partners since DAC's "Banana Cream Pie #2."

1. Isabel Ice
Birthplace: Cardiff, Wales
Born: April 15, 1982
When you’re talking about a girl like Isabel Ice it becomes difficult to cite too many specific perfs as highlights because when you’re a performer like Isabel Ice, every scene is a highlight. If the adult entertainment industry had its own Sportscenter-like television show, Isabel, while she was active here in the States, would have been in the Top Plays of the Week EVERY week. Check her out in “Fully Loaded #2” (Red Light District, 2004; dir: Michael Stefano) with Mike Stefano, John Strong, Erik Everhard and Juan Cuba or “Tear Me A New One” (Platinum X Pictures, 2005; dir: Jake Malone) with Brandon Iron, John Strong, Michael Stefano, Mr. Pete and Steve Holmes in a show that ends with all the guys giving Ice anal cream pies which she squeezes out onto a dinner plate and licks up. It might not get me off personally but you've got to appreciate and admire the depravity.

Kittens on a Hot Tin (Grind) House

2008-03-03T21:24:00.000-08:00

or Further Deconstructing My Unhealthy Obsession with Brunettes...

You might not know it by looking at her now but Elizabeth Taylor was super-fine back in her day.

I was on a Paul Newman kick of sorts at the time and screening CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF (1958) in ‘97 when I got to see for myself for the very first time just how sexy Liz used to be. In the clip above witness a surprisingly-curvy Taylor slip out of a form-fitting beige ensemble, saunter around in just her white satin slip (do women even still wear slips under their dresses nowadays?) and continuously throw herself at hard-drinking Paul Newman to no avail (I liked this movie so much, in fact, that I named my first dog “Brick” after Newman’s character here).

Premiere magazine says, "Famous for her violet eyes, radiant looks, love of jewels, and many, many marriages, Taylor's onscreen legacy (she grew up onscreen, from National Velvet to Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) is matched by her larger-than-life celebrity. And in her prime, she was a lushly sexual star — watch Cleopatra; Cat on a Hot Tin Roof; Suddenly, Last Summer; and Reflections in a Golden Eye to see why her many, many husbands got down on one knee."

And while I openly lament the lack of true movie “stars” in Hollywood nowadays, I’ll gladly take some of the fly-by-night substitutes we’ve gotten in their place. Case in point: Electra and Elise Avellan.

For those of you who don’t know Electra and Elise, they are director Robert Rodriguez’s nieces and made their first (and so far, only) appearance in GRINDHOUSE as Marley Shelton’s “Crazy Babysitter Twins.” They had limited screen time and very few lines but I can’t think of one guy who saw them that didn’t want to see a WHOLE lot more after PLANET TERROR ended. Here’s that “more.”

...and they’re 22 years old, just in case you were wondering if they were legal. Sure, neither Electra nor Elise will ever be Elizabeth Taylor but in 2008, I figure they'll do in a pinch.

Cowboys To Girls

2008-03-01T16:01:00.000-08:00

AKA “The Sins of The Father”

After all these years, I’m starting to realize that maybe as a kid I sold my dad a bit short.

But then again, don’t we all?

Of course we all know there is no way our parents could have ever been as cool as us or knew as much as we did; time has obviously passed them by and they as may as well had been trying to make our dinner by rubbing two sticks together as far as we were concerned. And their personal taste in everything from clothes to food to movies and television? Good God. No contest.

I can’t tell you how many frustrating weekday afternoons I spent silently simmering in my own bedroom, watching “Tranzor Z” or “Jayce and the Wheeled Warriors” on my dinky black and white because my dad, drinking an after-work cold one and relaxing in the living room watching the big TV, would commandeer that space to watch Rawhide, Bonanza and The Rifleman every afternoon. As someone who just wanted to see five robot lions form one giant robot around 5:30pm while ignoring his homework, I just couldn’t figure out the appeal of shows that were intentionally in black and white (if he wanted black-and-white so badly, why not just switch places with me?) that took place in an era my father didn’t live and quite frankly, wouldn’t be welcome. What was the fascination? How on Earth could he relate?

The older I get the more I’m finding out that it’s true we somewhat become our parents, as scary as that thought is, especially to those of us who don’t necessarily even like our folks. Be that as it may, I’ve gained an appreciation for the uniquely American Western genre over the years and finally, maybe me and pops have something in common after all. A love affair that began for me in 1992 with Clint Eastwood’s UNFORGIVEN has continued right on up to today and James Mangold’s 3:10 TO YUMA remake (coincidentally, I once compared Mangold’s second directorial effort, COP LAND, to a Western. Thus YUMA seemed a natural transition and perfect fit for him) with no end in sight. In fact, I just recently purchased the MAN WITH NO NAME trilogy...for a second time.

”This country’s getting’ old and it’s time to get old with it. Now The Kid don’t want it that way. Might be a better man for it. I ain’t judging.” - James Coburn as Pat Garrett

I’m no stranger to Sam Peckinpah or his unique brand of violence but recently cable afforded me the opportunity to DV-R two of his more controversial classics, STRAW DOGS (1971) (which I’ve seen hundreds of times but hadn’t for years) and PAT GARRETT & BILLY THE KID (1973), which I had never seen. It won’t mean much for me to say I was impressed considering how much praise this movie and the man responsible have had showered on them over the ensuing twenty-five years since its release but I will say that I was much more impressed than I ever expected to be. I didn’t start watching until nearly 5AM and fully expected to fall asleep (I was DEAD tired) before it ended but it more than kept my attention for the duration.

Starring Kris Kristofferson as unpredictable but likeable outlaw Billy The Kid (It’s too bad that today’s generation only knows Kristofferson as the crusty, old mentor to a black vampire hunter but for some reason, I kept seeing Kurt Russell when I would look at young Kris’ mannerisms. Even more sad that the same people are more likely to remember the Jock from THE BREAKFAST CLUB as William H. Bonney than Kristofferson but then again, we’re talking about a group whose generation-defining movie is AMERICAN PIE not PORKY’S and their coming-of-age more closely resembles CAN’T HARDLY WAIT than SIXTEEN CANDLES) and James Coburn who looks like, well...a younger but never really “young” James Coburn (but does on occasion remind one of Lee Van Cleef in THE GOOD, THE BAD and THE UGLY when he allows his mustache to grow out about midway through and takes to dressing in all black) all the familiar Peckinpah themes are in place (the scene with the children merrily and innocently playing on the noose that is set up in the gallows to hang Billy The Kid recalls the opening of THE WILD BUNCH (1969) where the street kids set some scorpions on top of a hill of red ants) and of course, the bright red Shaw Brothers-like blood flows (and looks) like paint. Once it actually began, I doubt that PG&BTK went more than 7-10 minutes without someone getting shot and dying. The deaths range from meaningless (but not truly without meaning, just...needlessly futile. A hopeless sort of pointlessness, if you understand what I’m saying) to poignant to ultra-violent.

I cried: I accidentally rubbed UTZ Red Hot potato chips powder into my right eye as I watched. I laughed: mostly at the way the women were portrayed. It seems as if they only exist in the world presented here for the sole purpose of being random and disposable; ready, willing and anonymous sex objects to sleep with and discard. It was either that, get slapped around, raped or in some cases, all three. And that was by “heroes” and “villains” alike, though at times, lines blur and it becomes increasingly difficult to tell who is who depending on your point of view.

The only woman who didn’t fit into this mold (or anything else at this point despite starting her career as an absolutely gorgeous woman who would easily qualify as “my type”) was Katy Jurado. Part of a three-person posse that consisted of her husband, Sheriff Baker (played by Slim Pickens), Pat Garrett and herself, Mrs. Baker was her husband’s no-nonsense, shotgun-toting deputy and a woman of few words. Watching her rough-and-tumble exterior peel away before your very eyes as she watches her husband slowly succumb to a mortal wound suffered during a gunfight attempting to interrogate a few of Billy The Kid’s old running buddies is one of the more touching death scenes of not only this movie, but in my recent memory. There’s nothing trivial or glamorous about dying here. And it’s the people you least expect who show deep regret in their eyes and in their gait when they’re forced to take a life.

It was a worthwhile watch and now, no doubt, a purchase. I just hope my son wasn’t as upset with me while I watched it and he wanted to see HAPPY FEET for the millionth time. History has a weird way of repeating itself. Life's funny that way, I'm finding out.

The Miseducation of Eva Angelina

2008-02-22T22:33:00.000-08:00

A screenplay by Crucifixio Jones

MUSIC: “SWEET EMOTION” BY AEROSMITH
FADE IN EXT. THE LAS VEGAS STRIP – NIGHT
All the requisite sights pass over a car’s windshield; the gleaming pyramid that is the Luxor, the huge lion head of the MGM Grand, the dueling pirate ships that front Treasure Island and the jumping, high-sprouting fountains of the Mirage. The windows, tinted pitch black on this SUV, don’t allow us to immediately see the figure driving inside.

INT. SUV – NIGHT
The camera slowly travels up the body of an unidentified but very bronzed female; up from her immaculately pedicured feet as they work the gas and brake until it reaches a familiar heart-shaped tanline over her left breast where it lingers for a bit before finally gliding up to reveal the face of EVA ANGELINA, a 22-year old, 5’3”, Chinese/Cuban brunette whose glistening white smile lights up the dark interior and the clear Vegas night.

EVA ANGELINA (VOICE-OVER)
I’ve come a long way since I first started in this business four years ago. Back then I was just 18-years old and I hardly knew a fraction of what I know now. Hell, the only thing about me now that’s the same as back then are the glasses on the tip of my nose. So much has changed and I’ve come so far. Or should I say “cum”?

CUT TO: EARLY EVA ANGELINA HIGHLIGHTS MONTAGE
MUSIC: “I’M A SLAVE 4U” BY BRITNEY SPEARS
The lyrics seem to take on special significance as the images of Eva next to Teagan in Red Light District fare “Cum Swapping Sluts 7” flickers by or her scene with Mark Ashley in “Just Over Eighteen 10” and her turn with Mark Ashley AND Mr.Pete in New Sensations’ “Teen Dreams 7.” Spears continues to coo seductively over each sex scene: “All you people look at me like I’m a little girl/Well did you ever think it’d be okay for me to step into this world?” seems eerily appropriate. It’s evident from the clips that while Eva is young in age, she’s a more-than-capable performer. She knows her partners’ bodies, she’s in tune with her own and she seemingly just knows sex. Period. She looks like a natural phenomenon, pulchritudinous poetry in motion. Even at this early stage, she looks like a professional. Which she is.

EVA ANGELINA
Those were the good old days and while my personal life threatened to keep my star from rising, I persevered. Not only did I come back wiser and stronger than before, I reinvented myself. [laughs and jostles her boobs in her bra] It was like starting all over again, brand new but this time I knew what to expect. And as a result, I think my fans came out even bigger winners than me.

CUT TO: PRESENT DAY EVA ANGELINA MONTAGE
MUSIC: “STRONGER” BY KANYE WEST
“N-n-now that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger…I know I got to be right now, ‘cause I can’t get much wronger...” The beat drops and an explosion of highlights bursts forth. When Kanye belts “I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW!” choice bits from Evil Angel’s “Angels of Debauchery 4”, Platinum X Pictures’ “Big Giant Titties 1”, Elegant Angel’s “Cum Drenched Tits 2” and Zero Tolerance’s “Double Decker Sandwich 6” speed by in rapid MTV-style edited succession. This is, without a doubt, a different talent than we saw in the first montage. It’s the same person, sure, but she’s no longer the somewhat flat-chested little girl. She’s very much a young woman now and every inch looking every bit the part.

EVA ANGELINA
And now? I can’t be ignored. I don’t think anyone would want to. 2006 was great but I’ve had a year unlike any other before in 2007 and finally I’m due to get what I deserve come January. I’ve worked my ass off. Upload. Big Wet Asses 12. Bikini-Clad Cum Sluts. Big Wet Tits 5. E For Eva. And of course, Operation: Desert Stormy for my homegirl! I don’t know how this crazy documentary ends but if I had to imagine...

CUT TO: INT. MANDALAY BAY – AVN AWARDS SHOW NIGHT
MUSIC: “SUPERSTAR” BY LUPE FIASCO

Congratulations to Eva Angelina, winner of AVN's Best Actress (Video) award for her role in Sex-Z Pictures' UPLOAD.

Remember The Time II

2008-02-12T10:02:00.000-08:00

Dechiphering Over 20-Odd Years of Personal Preference

G.I. Joe's The Baroness in 1985. POV Fantasy 2's Eva Angelina in 2005. In 20 years what's really changed?

I've often been accused of falling for the same type of woman. They could have, as one friend puts it, all come off the same assembly line. And as much as I deny that opinion, I've recently come to realize that it's something of a fact. It's true. I tend to fall for women who are, at least physically, very similar. But this also isn't a new occurence; it's been this way for a very, very, very long time. I might be giving away a bit about my age but what follows are a few of my childhood crushes I'd like to share. Personally, I'd argue that these three ladies are nothing alike: one is Italian, the other is Chinese and and one is the product of Irish and Iraqi-Chilean parents by way of London, England. But taking a good look at them today, I'd wager it's a safe assumption to say that I definitely have a "type." It just goes to show that it's true when people say the more things change, the more they stay the same and you really can't run from who you are.
-----
THE EARLY YEARS

Ornella Muti

FLASH GORDON (1980) was one of my favorite movies as a kid! I'm not sure how old I was when I first saw it but I can at least say I’m not so old that I saw it when it was originally released. I think it might have actually been one of the first movies I caught once my parents finally got cable. However old I was, it seemed like this movie had everything and I must’ve watched it (along with STAR WARS and GALAXY EXPRESS 999) whenever it came on, likely checking those tiny monthly cable guides for each showing to make sure I didn’t miss it. Back then I couldn’t tell you WHY I liked Princess Aura so damn much, I just knew I did. I liked her long, dark straight hair. I liked her almond-shaped eyes. And I was in love with her deep and husky, seductive accent and her deliberate, just-above-a-whisper voice. I didn’t know what I would do with her once I had her but even back then, I knew I wanted her.

For something.

"NO! NOT THE BORE WORMS!!!"
-----

Charlotte Lewis

By the time THE GOLDEN CHILD dropped in 1986, Eddie Murphy could do no wrong in my eyes. And to a young and impressionable 10 year old that had already seen him do his thing on Saturday Night Live (I still remember all of my cousins and myself huddled around a tiny black & white television in my bedroom the night that Buckwheat got shot), DELIRIOUS, 48 HOURS, TRADING PLACES and BEVERLY HILLS COP, he was probably the funniest man on Earth. It was a no-brainer that I’d see THE GOLDEN CHILD. What I didn’t expect to see was Kee Nang, his athletic and mystical Tibetan sidekick who just happened to get drenched by a ruptured water pipe during her first action sequence in the movie, magically transforming her crisp white summer ensemble into a dripping wet, see-through fetish outfit that clung to her every previously-hidden curve like warm poured latex. AND she could fight!

The infatuation had begun in earnest.

-----

Joan Chen

In 1990 I was just starting my second year of high school and I guess you could say I was more or less finding out who I was and following my own tastes and interests instead of going along with the crowd. Thank God for that because if I hadn't, I might not have known who David Lynch was until much later in life or ever watched what my parents referred to as that "dry-ass show," TWIN PEAKS during its original televised run. Nowadays there isn't much left to say about the show that hasn’t been said a million times over already, especially since its recent re-release to DVD. But when I wasn’t gushing over how different, how weird and strange and how good this odd new show was to anyone who would listen, I was telling them how they had to tune in...at least long enough to see fine-ass Jocelyn ”Josie” Packard who owned the saw mill. Growing up in a small town that was eighty percent white, I’m not sure if I had ever even seen an Asian woman before. I recall Chen having this quiet dignity about her but at the same time being just flat-out sexy, smoldering and sensual.

I think I’ve been chasing similarly enigmatic and exotic women ever since.

-----

More as my crushes develop.

Or not.

I Have a Nightmare...

2008-01-21T21:50:00.000-08:00

It's a damn shame that starving kids in Africa got "We Are the World" and Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. got this...

"Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere."

Hello New World

2008-01-04T17:42:00.000-08:00

Ones to Watch in 2008

10. Abbey Brooks

I've had my eye on Abbey Brooks since she debuted. Back then she was in a relationship with someone and thus was only doing g/g. Now she's not and she's not. As you can probably imagine, I'm watching her a little bit more intently now. Soft, blonde and all-natural with an irresistable smile and huge creamy, floppy boobs, she can't work nearly enough in the new year, as far as I'm concerned.

9. Renae Cruz

Renae Cruz is going to benefit from the lack of really hot and capable latina performers currently. Once there were too many to count (typical of latins, huh?)...but now it's just Renae Cruz. Looking at her right now, I'm not terribly upset about Cruz's stranglehold on the game.

8. Rachel Roxxx

Dubbed Rachel "Nothin' But Heat" Roxxx earlier this year by me and a friend (shout to DJ Drama!), because this girl's scenes, for a newbie, are simply on fire. She's that all-too-familiar, almost-guilty pleasure: the cute lil' girl next door who looks and fucks like a grown-ass woman.

7. Claudia Downs

If you wanna make an immediate splash in adult, enter the biz with a unique hairdo. It's certainly working for bleach-blonde and pixie-cut alabaster kewpie doll, Claudia Downs. And the fact that she's a depraved, do-it-all, IR-hungry, cum-guzzling porcelain prodigy doesn't hurt, either.

6. Angelina Valentine

If there was a Supreme Blowjob Ambassador of the Year award, Angelina Valentine would've gotten my vote in '07. When this sassy Venezualan first appeared on the scene she was a little more flat up top than she is right now but since pumping up, she's been on a slutty, cock-slurping tear. Call it a hunch but I think she's gonna be a real trouper and "suck it up" throughout '08, as well.

5. Kelly Devine

Porn's got an infatuation with big ass'd white girls. It can't even be considered an anomaly anymore (I'm lookin' at you Chelsie Rae, Alexis Texas, Charlotte Stokely, etc.). It goes back as far as Nina Hartley, if not further. But the latest in this long line of proud jizz biz tradition is Kelly Devine, a pouty-lipped brunette with REEEEEdiculous ass. Welcome to this lewd lineage, Kelly. Make us and your predecessors proud.

4. Jenny Hendrix

People are already all piled up a mile high on the Jenny Hendrix bandwagon and trying to get a taste of her Anal Experience. She's going to be around a while and I'm sure that with that backyard, if that's your thing, it'll all be worth witnessing. Fans are already lined up...all along the watchtower.

3. Rachel Starr

Rachel Starr's my personal number one, to be completely honest. My choice, if you will. ;) You haven't actually seen cowgirl performed correctly until you've seen this lil' buckeroo do it (coincidence?), trust me on that one. This Dallas native is a star like the 50-yard line at Texas Stadium and you'll see for sure in '08. That much I guarantee.

2. Priya Rai

The fuckin' fanboy 'net buzz surrounding Indian Priya Rai is driving me goddamn banana sandwich, for real. I put her here at #2 not because I've personally enjoyed a damn thing she's done since making the leap to hardcore but because it will be interesting to see her either fall flat on her face (or rather, on those enormous bolt-ons) or quit doing b/g in less than six months time. I can't wait to tease her "fans."

1. "Adrenalynn"

This is a curious pick for me as well, seeing as how the former Adrenalynn (now Digital Playground "property", Adrianna Lynn (TM) ) is bound by the most hated, restriction-enforcing, work-limiting of all devices: the exclusive performer contract. But before signing with porn's equivalent of Satan, this ballerina/tattoo artist had all the tools (including, I shit you not, a tattoo around her ASSHOLE!) to immediately take the world by storm. Instead she'll now be doing it one slow-mo, cheesy soundtrack'd movie at a time, maybe six times a year if we're lucky, for that horse head company that gave us such uncontrollable jackoff-inducing fare as fuckin' PIRATES. What a waste.

Never Knew A Love Like This

2007-12-28T16:20:00.000-08:00

Brianna: A Love Supreme

AVN's soon-to-be crowned Female Performer of the Year

Comes of Age and also became

Elegant Angel's Buttwoman with

Her Fine Sexy Self.

and she's also...

the final cast member of Van Styles' Azz Fest 6.

Ball-A-Holic

2007-12-25T15:12:00.000-08:00

Sometimes with all the porn talk, it's easy to forget I'm a hoops head first (well, maybe behind hip-hop). I remember watching this game last year during the playoffs and damn near dropping my phone on Golden State's previous possession, when Baron Davis nailed some crazy, twisting, out-of-control, spinning floater in the lane and the Warriors suddenly became the most entertaining they've been to watch since the Run-TMC era (or possibly the Tim Hardaway, Latrell Spreewell & Chris Webber period) there "back in the day". The momentum was clearly going ALL their way, the game was for all intents and purposes over (119-99 with less than three minutes to go in the 4th quarter) and the crowd noise? Off the fuckin' meter (and they actually HAD a meter to prove it), even for the playoffs. It didn't hurt that the Warriors had just pulled off one of the biggest upsets in recent basketball history by eliminating the number one seed, the Dallas Mavericks, in the previous round. Then THIS happened. If I almost dropped my phone the play before, I about threw that bitch and ran outta the room when I saw this insane shizz.

The NBA: Where Get Your Bitch-Ass Out The Way, Nigga happens.

Davis got Kirilenko straight up, too. It wasn't on some "he got me when my back was turned" or "I came to help out late" shit. Baron gets around Williams at the top of the key and AK-47 is right there to meet Davis in the paint. He's facing him, his arms outstretched in a feeble attempt to block what he has NO IDEA is coming and they both leave their feet at exactly the same time. It just didn't pan out for Andrei; I guarantee you the shit didn't go how he was probably envisioning it a few split seconds before the unthinkable happened. And leave it to Stephen Jackson (a perpetual cheerleader for foolishness, as evidenced by his behavior off the court as well as his role in the Indiana Pacers vs. The Palace at Auburn Hills melee a few seasons back) to come over and rub salt in Utah's wound by helping Baron (who got a tech for excessive celebrating/taunting for lifting his jersey after the dunk) celebrate by brushing his shoulders off FOR HIM after this downright vicious yoke.

"Nasty...to say the least."

This ish was so powerful that it turned Mike Tirico, the "whitest" black sportscaster since Bryant Gumble and Ahmad Rashad, into a nigga again! Listen to his call. Hubie Brown is saying whatever bullshit he was talking about and all of sudden you hear Tirico cut him off mid-sentence: "OOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAW, MAAAAAAAN!" I still end up rewinding this and watching it four or five times in a row. This was the night that B-Diddy made a "believer" out of me.

And Andrei Kirilenko, for sure.

R U Experienced?

2007-12-25T09:45:00.000-08:00

The fourth cast member of Azz Fest 6 is none other than the Electric Lady herself, JENNY HENDRIX.

A Rose By Any Other Name

2007-12-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

Maybe you've heard of newbie Kristina Rose, maybe you haven't. Chances are, however, you'll remember the name after seeing her in AZZ FEST 6. Every cast needs a new girl, some fresh meat that ain't really hip to the game just yet. Consider that requirement for this flick filled. All thick and no thorns, prepare to see Ms. Rose blossom and bloom soon...

She's STILL Your Girlfriend

2007-12-18T22:12:00.000-08:00

...and she still does the internet. Azz Fest 6 will also feature the deliciously decadent...

Dana DeArmond.

Primarily known as one of the leaders of porn's short-lived but hugely popular "alt" movement, Dana has been before Van Styles' lens three times before, all with exceptional results...

...in Ass Appeal 4, Take It Black 4 and the recently-released Gaped Crusaders 2 Dana gave her partners all they could handle and then some...

In the case of Van Styles and Dana DeArmond, it's looking like the fourth time might be the charm...

Where in the World is Alexis, TX?

2007-12-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

In Van Styles' AZZ FEST 6, that's where...

As you can now clearly see, the reports of Styles' signature series' demise (rumors I may have had a hand in starting) have been greatly exaggerated. To be distributed by Metro, never let it be said that you can't go home again.

Olivia O'Lovely and Lauren Phoenix closed the book on a great chapter in adult at the conclusion of Azz Fest 5 (released Sept. '04!). If the old saying is true and it's hard to keep a good man down then it's even more difficult to keep a great money-making, fan-pleasing series discontinued.

Azz Fest 6 just wrapped and like always you can expect the biggest and the best asses currently available on the adult landscape, starting with arguably the most popular and brightest new star of '07 with all the right remarkable ass-ets, Alexis Texas. Enjoy the sneak peek and keep checking back.

Deadly Nightshade

2007-11-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

The smile. The tattoos. The awesome natural tits. The legendary ass and arch. The girl-next-door, adorable face and the genuinely sweet personality (both of which are clearly evident and more prominent should you ever meet her in person). Meet Belladonna the totally insatiable slut and gleeful do-anything whore of your dreams. Her baseball bat in the ass in No Limits is the stuff you tell (rather, warn) your grandkids about.

I'll admit I was late to the Belladonna bandwagon. I was still getting back into porn when she began tearing up sets in 2000 so it was actually Diane Sawyer who introduced me to this poor little girl from Utah who the industry and her abusive performer boyfriend had used up and thrown away. Like all starlets who denounce the business after they've done everything under the sun, I was skeptical. I went back and found what I had been missing. All it took was one scene to convince me that Belladonna was a lifer and no one had taken advantage of her. She was a goddamn phenom and she was most definitely in the right business.

5. Straight to the A 1/Redlight District (2002) -
dir. Vince Vouyer
w/Mark Ashley & Darren James
My introduction to Bella and the scene that pretty much assured me that no one who can stick four fingers and two cocks in her ass with a smile can be all bad. I don't think I had ever seen anything quite this nasty in a long while and Bella served to shock me into the new millennium with her antics. After seeing this, I was desperate to see more.

4. A2M 1/Anabolic (2002) -
dir. John Strong.
w/Erik Everhard & John Strong
This scene is the definition of intense and I believe that even if the title hadn't been A2M that wouldn't have stopped Bella from repeatedly gagging on Everhard and Strong's dicks to taste her own ass over and over again. Throughout, the trademark gap-toothed grin remains permanently affixed to her face and she constantly (and genuinely) remarks how much she loves it (even during the double-anal, which was definitely still somewhat new to me at the time). Rog called it one of the best anal scenes of that year. But he miscalculated. It's probably one of the best anal scenes of all-time.

3. Sweet Cheeks/Anabolic (2002) -
dir. Erik Everhard.
w/Jon Dough & Lexington Steele
Shot during Anabolic's heyday and with the three gentlemen involved, you are assured quality. Another DP that ends with big loads for Bella. She works her normal magic with Lex, nearly deepthroating my man multiple times.

2. Lex Steele XXX 2/Redlight District (2003) -
dir. Lexington Steele.
w/Avy Scott & Lexington Steele
The inclusion of Avy Scott (who has a very real and palpable affection for Bella in this scene; they were roommates at the time, IIRC) puts it just a notch above her barn-burner with Lex in Up Your Ass 19. Until the recent Cock Happy, this was THE Bella vs. Lex scene to see. The trademark long black tresses are a thing of the past by this point in her career: Bella shocked fans by sporting a blonde buzzcut in this scene, if you recall that period, and it served to be a bit of foreshadowing to the very "different" and carefree Belladonna we would see in the years that followed.

1. Ass Worship 2/Evil Angel (2002) -
dir. Jules Jordan.
w/Erik Everhard, Jay Ashley & Pat Myne
Jules has shot Belladonna plenty of times over the years and even worked with her a few times himself but NONE of those scenes compares to this one. This is THE ONE that flat-out made me a Belladonna fan for LIFE. Here Bella takes on three of the most intense and hardcore male performers of that time (and still, really) and makes it look easy. Jules captures that ass doing things I CONTINUE to marvel at today. Just typing this paragraph makes me wanna pull my copy down and watch it again. It is here that Bella pulled out all the stops and proved she was not only a force to be reckoned with but simply UNPARALLED. If you want see the EXACT moment when Bella got the crown, this is the movie, this is the scene. When the boys lock her in airtight, *I* am in heaven. I can't tell you how many times I've completely and utterly failed making it to the cum-farting finale. You're not truly a porn fan if you haven't seen this. I remember sitting in stunned amazement the first time I did. You will, too.

After seeing all this, I realized Sawyer's PrimeTime Live piece didn't have a leg to stand on. Belladonna was no one's victim. She was in it to win it and as we've all seen since, she's still winning.

Remember The Time

2007-10-18T07:55:00.000-07:00

"GET HIM A BODY BAG!"
Daniel La Russo vs. Johnny Lawrence, The Karate Kid (1984)

I like to keep you guys on your toes and choose the unpredictable so here goes:

Forget the sequels. Forget Hilary Swank. It was Ralph Macchio as the bullied and big-hearted Daniel LaRusso who made us believe.

This movie came up with some friends and myself the other day while discussing Steve McQueen. (Before you start asking how we made that leap, McQueen's son, Chad played Dutch, the Cobra Kai with the curly blonde hair. "Points or no points, you're dead meat. DEAD MEAT!" He was 24 at the time, looking every bit of it, too, playing a high schooler. And who do you think introduced that random bit of trivia?) This movie has so many unforgettable moments and images, I'm sure I'll forget more than a few as I type. People talk about Cinderella Man...no. For a kid that was my age when this was released, The Karate Kid was INSPIRATIONAL.

It was 1984 and Big Brother didn't have complete control of us yet as Orwell had predicted. I was 8 years old. EIGHT years old. In the twenty-one years that have passed since then, I don't believe I've ever forgotten one frame of this movie. This is as big a part of my generation's pop culture as John Hughes movies.

Daniel (Macchio) was the ultimate underdog. Watching the movie again recently, I felt even worse for him than I ever did when I was eight. Not only does he move to a new town with his single mother with no friends but everyone at his new school, for some reason, doesn't like him, is rich and knows karate. So on top of not being able to compete with them for girls' affections (Elisabeth Shue, 21, in this case) financially, he gets his ass kicked on a daily basis, too, much like the guy who gets sand kicked in his face in those old bodybuilding ads. It's so sad to watch. Every time something seems to be going right for Daniel, it goes terribly wrong. He gets embarassed at the beach by his chief rival, Johnny Lawrence. He gets gang stomped by the Cobra Kai's on Halloween. He finally gets to go out on a date with Shue, but his mother has to drive them. And assist in pushing the car just to get it started. As he's being ribbed by the other kids for not having a car, his mom shows up, right on cue, to pick them up. She doesn't even realize how embarassing she is to him with her broken down jaloppy.

Enter Pat Morita.

He teaches Daniel about LIFE. And through various and seemingly pointless chores, he teaches Daniel KARATE. They even bond (Danny puts Miyagi to bed after he has some sort of liquor-induced war flashback). For his birthday, he gives Daniel one of his many vintage cars. But all of this doesn't end the relentless Cobra Kai's who are determined, it seems, to see Daniel either move away, kill himself or come to school with an AK and clear'em all out Columbine-style. Instead Morita fashions a truce with Kreese, the Kai's sensei, to leave Daniel be until he can kick ALL THEIR ASSES in an upcoming tournament. Daniel doesn't believe he has a chance. But he makes it all the way to the semis before a Cobra Kai almost ends his chances of competing with a illegal blow to LaRusso's knee. Back in the lockerroom, Daniel's mom and Shue are supportive. You did your best, they say. You would've won if they hadn't cheated, they say. None of it matters. "DAMMIT!" I distinctly remember Daniel cursing at this point; I think it was the first time I heard someone who was supposed to be no more than 16 curse in a movie (though Macchio was actually fuckin' 23!). "Mr. Miyagi, you gotta help me. This isn't gonna stop until I beat them. I haven't proved anything except that I can take a beating and quit." You all know what happens next. The two most memorable moments in this movie, if not in all of '80s movies.

Pat rubs his hands together and miraculously heals Daniel's leg and Danny wins the tournament with that Crane Kick which we saw him practice on a lonely beach as the sun set in the background and is STILL emulated to THIS DAY in other movies (even if it's simply played for comedy). But back then, in 1984 it was serious business. He put it right here...*points to chin* RIGHT ON JOHNNY'S GRILL, DAWG! And it looked like it hit him like a shotgun blast. He went down holding his face and crawling around on his hands and knees like Mike Tyson did when he was looking for his mouthpiece versus Buster Douglas. Daniel got the trophy, the girl and the respect of his peers in the end. Johnny even snatches the hardware from the announcer and insists on giving it to Daniel himself. "Hey LaRusso, you're all right." He was better than all right. He was the best...AROUND!

My Dixie Wrecked

2007-09-29T17:13:00.000-07:00

As a guy, it’s a difficult thing to explain. But one thing that every excuse in the history of premature ejaculation excuses has in common is that it’s never our fault. It’s a humiliating and confidence-depleting experience; one that, after going through it, we wouldn‘t dare wish on anyone, not even our worst enemy. Which is exactly why we can’t help but laugh when it happens to someone else. Especially, a so-called “professional.”

One of the first girls I ever saw make a guy just come (or cum, depending on just how vulgar you want this to get) completely unraveled was Shyla Stylez. It was early on in her career and she wasn’t nearly the voluptuous blonde glamazon she is today. As flat-chested and skinny as she was back then, her sexuality was that rare pure and raw kind that made it difficult to even be in the same room with her, much less be tasked to actually fuck her. I recall watching her locked in a DP with two guys and one of the men, try as he might, just could not get it together. He’d dip in for a few strokes and almost always had to immediately had to pull out. Then he suddenly decided to get brave and go against that strategy. He should’ve known better. It ended badly.

As Morpheus told Neo in the original Matrix, “Fate, it seems, is not without a sense of irony.”

One of the latest times I’ve seen this phenomenon was, once again, with Shyla Stylez (hence this new stat being named after her) in A-List 2 with Sascha. So it goes that The Shyla Stylez Index is named after a girl who has solidified her place amongst the greats by making Manuel Ferrara pop twice in Evilution 2 and is a measurement of the likelihood of a particular porn star to make either the viewer (or in some cases, their onscreen partner) orgasm prematurely. While not necessarily a good thing, it’s always a funny thing to witness and in a unique sort of way, an accomplishment of sorts for the female talent. Should such a statistic become widely used or accepted, I know I’d be a proud little starlet if I ranked high on this list. In a profession where the opportunities for bragging rights for individual performers are few and far between, I’d take what I could get.

So here’s the meat (yes, I realize I am not at a loss for bad word choices today) : I’d wager the average length of a sex scene nowadays is about twenty minutes. If the average scene is about 20 minutes and you (or the guy in the scene) “lasts” the entire time, that’s an SS index of 100 (which with this sort of stat is a negative; the objective is to make the guy climax quickly, the faster, the better, in fact). However, if the viewer doesn’t make it and ends up looking for Kleenex about five minutes in, that’s an SS index of 25. Ten minutes would d be 50, fifteen minutes would be 75 and so on. So the lower the number, the better.

Let's do Gianna:
5.5 (the average time in minutes the viewer might “last”) divided by 20 (the length of an average sex scene) = 27.5 (Shyla Stylez Index)

To what end would a consumer/viewer use these numbers? To choose which stars’ scenes to watch and to rank their favorite stars’ skill level. It would also serve as an indicator and somewhat accurate predictor when determining a particular “pairing” and it’s possible excitement level. For example: If Rebeca Linares (SSI: 32.3) and Bree Olson (SSI: 28.2) are in a scene together, chances are, you won’t hold out very long.

It can also be used to gauge a performer’s marked improvement or steady decline. Kimberly Kane (whose current SSI probably hovers around 99.5) was hot when she started (Fresh New Faces 4, Who’s Your Daddy 4, Vouyer Vision 1) but now (apparently, she’s g/g crazy and her rare b/g forays aren’t even a fraction as hot as they used to be) she’s just garbage. The flipside to that coin would be performers like Harmony (SSI: 40.2) and Annie Cruz (SSI: 46.6) who started somewhat mediocre but now burn up television screens and computer monitors on a frighteningly consistent basis. Exciting performers, regardless of their looks, partners or any other circumstance, most times equal relatively exciting and satisfying scenes.

This formula has only a few qualifiers. I only consider the last ten most recent scenes I’ve seen the performer in; that gives the best indication of what a performer is capable of currently. That, and the woman must be currently active. That’s it.

Gianna, Shyla Stylez & Carmella Bing: A combined SSI of .001

Eva Angelina, Nikki Benz & Rachel Roxxx: You do the math.

Shyla Stylez Index Leaders
Talent	SSI
1. Gianna	27.5
2. Bree Olson	28.2
3. Sienna West	30.9
4. Rebeca Linares	32.3
5. Claire Dames	34.0
6. Harmony	40.2
7. Ava Devine	45.1
8. Annie Cruz/Sandra Romain	46.6
9. Flower Tucci/Tory Lane	48.3
10. Roxy Deville	49.9

Dynamic personalities and compatible sexual styles make good scenes and there are many intangibles that comprise a great scene. But as far as raw data and stats go, CJ’s Shyla Stylez Index isn’t such a bad guideline.

Graduation

2007-09-03T19:38:00.001-07:00

For most adult authorities, the time of year has come where they begin their nomination processes and look to award the superlative performers and performances of the past year.

Having been a part of such selection committees in the past, what better time to give my expert opinion on such matters but in a way that offers a bit more explanation and validation than a simple list.

What follows is the most recognizable and common periodic measure of one's performance: report cards. I've selected who I have determined to be fans' favorites of 2007 and applied the typical grading scale. The grades themselves weren't used to decide their rank or placement; their presumed popularity with the casual viewer was the basis for that.

Also, while this list isn't a personal top ten list (as in, I'm not personally a fan of everyone who made the cut), the assessments are all my own.

So who made the grade and who needs Summer School?

----------

1. Bree Olson

Before the recent Adam & Eve contract, Bree Olson (Big Wet Asses 10) was the name (and a few other choice body parts) on everyone's lips. Blonde, blasphemous and anything but bland, Bree'll be sorely missed amongst the gonzo ranks. I've been singing her praises endlessly and incessantly since first laying eyes on her and Olson's likely a shoe-in for Female Starlet of the Year in January. In the meantime, you will soon be able to catch her alongside Carmen Luvana and Ava Rose in Eden, A&E's shot-on-location in Hawaii, big-budget feature that will be seeing a lot of press (and awards) before year's end.

1. Ability: A-
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: A
4. Diversity: B
5. Influence: C

1. Brianna Love

I gave both Ivan's Sweet Cheeks 8 and Sam No's Massive Asses five-star reviews. The common thread? Talented direction and Miss Brianna Love.

Don't call it a comeback! Her Shane's World title sums up Love's entire performance year: Brianna Love Comes of Age. With the help of some high profile appearances in a few Elegant Angel productions (her work in Big Wet Asses 11, It's a Daddy Thing 3 and Blow It Out Your Ass 2 have all but erased the memory of former Elegant Angel stalwart and now-contract performer with Nasty Dollars.com, Flower Tucci), Brianna's returned with an ass that's bigger and better than ever. It really has been her year. First, she's been tapped to be in John Leslie's Brianna Love: Her Fine Sexy Self feature. And in the ever-capable hands of William H. and "Sam No", Brianna Love is Buttwoman should be THE magnum opus befitting a performer of her looks and caliber's re-emergence.

1. Ability: B
2. Looks: B+
3. Activity: B
4. Diversity: A-
5. Influence: B-

3. Jenna Haze

Still riding a crest of momentum largely built on her return to b/g (due to the dissolution of Jill Kelly Productions, where she was an exclusive g/g-only performer) and the wildly popular, critically-acclaimed Jenna Haze Darkside, Haze is still going strong and even managed a mainstream appearance in "Superbad" (alongside Aurora Snow; Jules Jordan fans, how fitting is that?) as one of the Vagtastic Voyage girls. Still, there have only been a few notable perfs in '07: Evil Anal 2, Crack Addict 6, A-List 2, Internal Cumbustion 10 and another title featuring her as the sole performer, Interactive Sex with Jenna Haze.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: B-
5. Influence: B

4. Annette Schwarz

It should come as no surprise that a woman who goes by the nickname "Circus Pferdchen", with her dreamy and perpetually half-parted eyelids and kewpie doll-ish good looks, is as unrepentently slutty as she is. Take into account her origins. This native German came into the game the old-fashioned way; literally baptized into the business in Europe in John Thompson's infamous GGG movies. Since then, the "circus" has been stateside now for about two years. In '07, Schwarz blessed us with perhaps THE Performance of the YEAR in William H's Big Wet Asses 11 with Manuel Ferrara. The powers-that-be at Elegant Angel must have been similarly impressed; they crowned Annette their new Slutwoman shortly thereafter. Directed by a newly-rejuvenated and recently re-invigorated Mason, it streets on September 25th.

1. Ability: A+
2. Looks: B-
3. Activity: B
4. Diversity: A+
5. Influence: A

5. Rebeca Linares

They simply don't come much sexier than Spanish-born Rebeca Linares. Like most stars from other countries, she got her start doing movies in her homeland, getting her first break by being friends with someone who was friends with Evil Angel director/performer and Belladonna's ex-fiance, the notorious Nacho Vidal. Eventually, it only made sense to come to where the industry lives and thrives, so Rebeca made the inevitable move to the City of Angels permanently. In a recent AVN interview Rebeca revealed that her family knows about her career and that her mother is a Sandra Romain fan. It just struck me as weird because I don't think I'd want to know what performers my parents preferred... Easily spotted by the tan-lined heart on her right butt cheek, Linares made waves this year in Manhandled 2, Blow It Out Your Ass, Gaped Crusaders 2 and Iodine Girl.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: A+
4. Diversity: A+
5. Influence: B

6. Gianna

Gianna's Big Pretty Titties are worthy of Titty Worship.

It's starting to look like measure of one's individual performing success is to be such a standout talent that a director wants to center an entire movie around you and only you. Brianna Love has hers now. Jenna Haze's boyfriend made sure she got hers. But I wonder if either will match the excitement I felt when I saw that one of the best shooters in the game today, Jonni Darkko, had hand-picked my personal favorite porn star, Gianna, to headline his G For Gianna. Able to get by on her great enthusiasm, aggressive nature during her scenes and her fabulous rack, it won't be long before fans start demanding Gianna open her backdoor for business (an act she has yet to allow) to remain popular.

1. Ability: A
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: B-
4. Diversity: B-
5. Influence: B-

7. Sasha Grey

Having one's first on-screen sex in the sequel to legendary director John Stagliano's award-winning Fashionistas would be an unbelievably daunting task for most. But not for then-18-year old "existentialist" Sasha Grey, who was selected personally by Stagliano's wife, Karen (former AVN-Award winning performer Tricia Devereaux). Grey didn't disappoint then and hasn't since, going on to win XRCO's Best New Starlet and two AVN Awards, including one for her participation in a marathon orgy scene in the aforementioned Fashionistas Safado: The Challenge.. The self-proclaimed "Fuck Junkie", fan of French New Wave and Italian Neo-Realism movies set out to change the world's perception of the industry, find herself sexually and has articulately defended her decadence on The Tyra Banks Show and The Insider. Much has been made of her but I figure anyone who's a fan of Jeanna Fine can't be all bad. The world eagerly awaits the as-yet still unreleased The Awakening of Sasha Grey, a film that promises to contain all the extreme, hardcore sex Grey favors, lensed by Sasha's idol, friend and mentor, Belladonna.

1. Ability: B+
2. Looks: B+
3. Activity: C+
4. Diversity: A
5. Influence: A

8. Belladonna

If you don't already know the past seven years of the legendary Bella's resume, gladly return to the rock you crawled from under. You should know the story already...the baseball bat, Nacho, the Primetime interview and then after many years of filthy, frivolous and unbashed whoring, marriage and directing/performing while pregnant in her own g/g-only movies...yadda, yadda, yadda. Sadly, after a recent scare, Belladonna "retired" from performing. Well, at least she will...right after she's finished filming The New Devil in Miss Jones 2 for Vivid and her own "psychotic-thriller" feature that has, according to her, been in the conceptual stages for at least three years. She will, of course, also continue to direct her Deadly Nightshade productions to be distributed exclusively through Evil Angel.

1. Ability: A+
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: D
4. Diversity: A
5. Influence: A+

9. Eva Angelina

I'm generally not one for girls bucking to land themselves a contract but I consider it a grave injustice that someone has not yet gone to great lengths to lock up Eva Angelina's services since reinventing herself a few years ago with breast augmentation surgery. While she may not do everything under the sun sexually, Eva's a Chinese-Cuban stunner who still manages to turn in very spirited performances time and time again despite her limited on-camera repertoire; she's a talent that's hard to not get behind, figuratively and literally. The highly photogenic O.C. gal engaged in a few anal forays in '07 but only for members of her website.

1. Ability: B-
2. Looks: A
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: C+
5. Influence: C

10. Alexis Texas

Look up there at all that. Buttworx. Massive Asses. Sweet Cheeks 8. Whatabooty 2. Apple Bottom Snow Bunnies. Big Butt Teaze. Guessed Alexis' best ASSet yet? Charlotte Stokely, eat your heart out. With a relatively threadbare resume (under some 30 scenes in a little under a year, though, a glut of her scenes seem to all be streeting at once, prompting talk of OVERexposure already), Alexis Texas has still managed to become a hugely popular starlet in her own right and is as in-demand as ever. Maybe barely working has its own set of benefits. With a bumper like hers, it's difficult to not keep coming back and still wanting more.

1. Ability: C
2. Looks: B
3. Activity: C
4. Diversity: C
5. Influence: C-

----------

1. Ability (workrate)
2. Looks (self-explanatory)
3. Activity (how often they worked)
4. Diversity (variety of work done)
5. Influence (the ability through their performances to affect others or somehow change previous industry-related norms)

An Unstoppable Force Meets An Immovable Object

2007-09-02T07:12:00.000-07:00

Somtimes the greatest things can be found in the most unexpected places.

It's a meeting that perhaps should have been heralded with a little pre-scene build-up, some boxing-like hype to prepare the world for the first-time confrontation between these two carnal heavyweights.

In this corner, Ava "Diablo Córneo" Devine, a 33-year old Chinese-Italian force of adult nature hailing from Long Island, New York, the likes of which we have not seen from that state since Ariana Jollee and the closest thing to Devine's spiritual cousin, the legendary Vanessa Del Rio. Every inch - all woman, every curve - all dangerous.

Devine Retribution: All Your Nut Are Belong To Ava

Approaching thirty-two years of age, Manuel "Matador Sauvage" Ferrara is a multiple award-winning and reigning AVN Male Performer of the Year. The Frenchman has left more than his fair share of stretched out but extremely satisfied female orifices in his uncircumsized wake. He's every bit the aggressive destroyer that Devine's fans consider her to be but his frequent former parter, co-conspirator and debutante demolisher, Steve "Poppa" Holmes won't be able to have his back this time around with Ava. I'm not entirely sure it would even make a difference.

In recent weeks, citizens and media alike have made much ado about MIchael Vick and dog fighting. What they need to be concerned with are putting two pit bulls like these in the same arena together and turning them loose to have sex. It is similarly inhumane. It's not a pairing I would have expected from Naughty America and their "Diary of a MILF" website but here it is, nonetheless, and other than a familiar set, with the two principles involved it feels nothing like typical Naughty America fare. The set-up is unimportant (unless you somehow find bad acting enjoyable) as Manu attacks Ava in typical fashion, ravaging her bald twat with his fingers and tongue before Devine begins the game of physical one upsmanship by doing her best to swallow his beer can-sized cock. She screams (amongst other things) "I want that big cock in my pussy!" as she maneuvers herself onto Ferrara's lap for reverse cowgirl from the spoon position and uncharacteristically bares her breasts, something she has seemingly been reluctant to do since having somewhat unattractive and visible scarring from her reduction. There's more power-fucking of Devine's gash in cowgirl (people still tend to overlook Ava's absolutely marvelous, thick and meaty ass) and doggie and her hair begins to stick to her glistening face. Alot of kissing accompanies the missionary and Ava is a giddy school girl by the time Ferrara strokes several streams of semen directly into her mouth and onto her face. She's a shiny mess at the conclusion but that's Ava at the end of ANY scene. It's not often you see Ava meet her match but she got "handled" by Ferrara and that alone is enough to deem this scene somewhat historic and noteworthy.

Twenty-seven minutes and thirty-five seconds of pure mayhem courtesy of Naughty America. Check it out. It's due to be on their DVD release of Diary of a MILF: Vol 7.

Laura from Naughty America said: "Glad you liked it. Ava was literally unable to form complete sentences during that scene. Hot stuff."

Random Ish

2007-08-18T08:13:00.000-07:00

Five Slow Songs I Can't Stop Playing:

1. Usher - Anything really. I'm just feelin' the kid this week for some reason. "Burn" especially but "U Got It Bad" is equally as timeless.

2. Amerie - I Just Died (All I Have) - I don't know if it's a subconscious thing with me because I happen to know that Amerie is a local girl or what, but her voice does something to me that not many current R&B singers do. Every time I rave about a new song of hers (or in most cases, even an old one), a friend of mine just explains it away thusly, "I don't know, nigga...you and Amerie just got some kinda connection I guess I don't understand."

I imagine if I grew up in D.C. with A, she'd have been the skinny, shy girl that sure, everyone thought was cute, but wasn't really trying too hard to get with because she didn't really have a bangin'-ass body. Then a few years after you two graduate high school, you happen see her at the local carnival one summer and immediately regret your decision, kicking yourself for being so young, so foolish, so shallow so many years ago. But it's too late. There she is, late-blooming Amerie Rogers is all grow'd up now and the ensuing scene looks like something straight out of a Kodak or Cialis ad. You watch from afar, literally boiling over with the greenest kind of envy as she smiles her picture perfect Crest-white smile at some tall, dark Tyson Beckford-lookin'-ass nigga, looking genuinely happy as she holds his hand in hers and some fluffy pink cotton candy in the other. Meanwhile, Blackanova carries all the various stuffed animals he's won for her, knocking over old-fashioned milk bottles with his overly muscular arms. Or maybe listening to this song makes me imagine Amerie as "the one who got away" way too much.

3. New Edition - With You All The Way (All For Love) - This song moves along at just the right tempo, culiminating in a powerful crescendo by the time Ralph, going for dolo here, reaches the chorus. And best believe, Tresvant fuckin' pours on that innocent schoolboy falsetto that had so many underaged and confused girls' panties wet long before that thing was even supposed to happen to them. You'ze a singin'-ass mafucka if you can jumpstart PUBERTY in the opposite sex. Thanks to Mr. Sensitivity, I probably shaved a good couple of years off the time I would have normally had to wait to lose my virginity. VH1's Behind the Music might've taught us that NE never really got paid but they got CJ laid and in the end, that's all that really matters.

4. Omarion - The Truth (21) - I find myself lost in the moment whenever O's ballad to how awesome his girl's "love" is comes on. Example: I was driving home one Friday afternoon and got stuck in traffic (a similar situation once resulted in me conceiving Kanye's "Can't Tell Me Nothing" remix with Young Jeezy before it actually happened. Point being: good things happen when CJ is stuck in traffic singing), when I noticed the people in the minivan next to me staring inside my car. I thought it might have been the dried loogie on the back passenger's side that didn't quite clear the car when I spit it directly into the wind a few minutes earlier but they didn't seem to notice that dried and crusty green stuff splattered across the dirty glass. That's when I realized I had been singing what I considered the "best part" of this song ("Oh girl, you are the one, that is no doubt -- you're what my momma was talkin' 'bout!") at the top of my lungs, fantasizing that I was peforming this song to perfection, trademark Omarion dance steps and all, on American Idol, winning not only the entire competition but this whole country's undying adoration.

What? I can't dream in my own car?

5. Ne-Yo - Get Down Like That (Remix) (feat. Ghostface) (In My Own Words) - Watching Late Night with Conan O'Brien the other night, guest Tina Fey told an interesting story about her show "30 Rock." She said that Ghostface Killah had been on the show twice (Tracy Morgan, another of Fey's co-stars, is good friends with Ghost) but he's basically been appearing for free because he doesn't bother to fill out the paperwork that would allow him to be paid for his guest spots. She claimed it wouldn't be a tremendous amount anyway (likely around $500 she estimated) and while I can understand that netting an extra five hundred bones wouldn't necessarily be a priority for the Wally Champ, who'd likely just go out and blow it that same afternoon on a baby blue bathrobe with "Tony Starks" in rhinestones and sequins across the back, oversized aluminum gauntlets painted gold and an order of ravioli to-go from Carraba's, I couldn't help but wonder how many larger opportunities have passed where Ghost's "g was just 'too futuristic'" to handle his business. The way Ne-Yo ripped the chorus of "Back Like That" for Ghost (especially on the Kanye-assisted remix), I can only hope that the Ironman did this verse for free, too.

Stronger

2007-08-12T07:08:00.000-07:00

While other companies continue to age or outright fold, a few others attempt to shake things up in a major way, deftly dodging becoming dinosaurs.

This is a tale of two companies. Each with illustrious and storied adult entertainment histories. But also two ships rapidly sinking and desperately in need of a way to right themselves.

Both Elegant Angel and Anabolic Video have found the means to inject a feeling of youth, vitality and freshness by handing the reins over to creative directors who, while their respective outlooks on porn may vary from the norm, the results can't be denied. The buzz is heavy and with good reason.

Elegant Angel - Quirky Yet Experienced Auteurs Don't Fight Change; They Face & Embrace It

After rocketing back to prominence on the strength of basing new and innovative lines around popular and dynamic performers, Elegant Angel has done it yet again, using their can't-miss formula to ressurect two of their classic and iconic lines and hand them over to two of the best directors to ever peer through a viewfinder.

William H is almost single-handedly responsible for Elegant's resurgence. He's shot camera or directed nearly every one of their releases since coming onboard with Heavy Handfuls 2 in 2002. I still remember the day I picked up Booty Duty 11 on a lark (seeing as how it looked much different than anything I had seen from Elegant in recent years and the cast was the SHIT) and I've been following the former Mr. Nutsack ever since. His resume is much too long to reproduce here but William has done every fetish, genre and niche movie you can think of since hanging his trademark bucket hat at Elegant. The recent installments of Big Wet Asses (previously created by former Elegant Angel director Thomas Zupko) are probably his best. Knowing asses like he does likely made him an easy choice to captain the new BUTTWOMAN movie starring Brianna Love.

Mason. Mysterious, enigmatic and William H's spiritual "sister", controversy and critical acclaim have followed this notoriously reclusive directrix wherever she has decided to don her identity-shielding burka. Frustrating at times to follow because of her frequent self-imposed hiatuses (she has been directing just as long as William H but has produced only a fraction of his output), Mason has worked at Patrick Collins' House of Ideas before, shocking the world with her two Dirty Trixxx and Lady Fellatio movies before disappearing and reemerging at Platinum X Pictures with Sexual Disorder and Riot Sluts. She was responsible for some fairly amazing scenes and more of what her fans expected (Riot Sluts 2 for PXP and Sluts at Excessive Entertainment) then suddenly resurfaced at Elegant Angel once again, this time cleverly disguised as SAM NO and blessing us with a more tame vision than her followers are used to with Massive Asses. That identity, thankfully, has been cast aside in favor or returning to her old familiar moniker to trumpet the crowning of a new SLUTWOMAN, Annette Schwarz and their Scorsese/DeNiro-like collaboration. A famously depraved mind paired with the most prolific performer to emerge from Germany since Katja Kassin, who willing nicknamed herself 'Circus Pferdchen' (Pferdchen translates as "little horse" or "prostitute" in German). I can't wait to see the results.

Anabolic - New Directors Tackle Historic Lines While Predecessors' Ghosts Loom Large

True fans of adult can't help but get a little misty-eyed when one mentions series like Bring Em Young, Initiations, Nice Rack, Up Your Ass, The Gangbang Girl, Women of Color, Balls Deep, Sweet Cheeks, Oral Consumption and the A Cum Sucking Whore Named... line (which has starred a virtual who's who of talent over the years: Katsumi, Belladonna, Shyla Stylez, Aurora Snow, Francesca Le and Adrianna Sage just to name a few). We all remember the halcyon days at Anabolic and their classic cadre of talent:

Mike John: Directed Up Your Ass 12-20 after Sean Michaels' run on 1-11 but is probably more noted for helming the Down The Hatch, Lewd Conduct and most famously, Perverted POV for sister company Diabolic before moving on to Red Light District where Perverted POV became POV Pervert and innovated No Cum Dodging Allowed and Semen Sippers amongst others before finally landing at Jules Jordan Video.

Lexington Steele: Balls Deep 1-7 and The Black Bastard were his calling cards as he presided over a few Initiations and also the classic Women of Color series. Created Iron Maidens at Diabolic. Started his own Mercenary Pictures after an ill-fated deal with Red Light District.

Jon Dough: Created the long-running Bring 'Um Young series and shot the first the majority of the first eighteen installments and also the first three volumes of Ass Cream Pies, Nice Rack 9 & 10. His Spring Chickens 1-5 and Un-Natural Sex 1-6 appeared under the Diabolic banner. Dough tragically committed suicide late last year.

Erik Everhard: Picked up Un-Natural Sex where Dough left off with 7-9, was the brains behind Sweet Cheeks 1-4 and 2-on-1 11-14 at Diabolic. Was a part of the exodus to Red Light District where he was responsible for the series Outnumbered, Sport Fucking, Ass Obssessed and others. Currently directs for Jules Jordan Video after a short-lived relationship with Evil Angel.

Directors Su, Sal Genoa, Yani Z and Rob E. Digital kept the ship afloat in the interim and provided some good porn (Teenage Anal Princess, Lascivious Latinas) and the less said about the way-too-long Chico Wang era the better. At least someone eventually recognized the leak in the hull and moved to patch it up before it was too late. When one takes into account their past, it's easy to see that their new directors will have huge shoes to fill. They are:

Ivan: Well-known for his work at Tom Byron's now-defunct Evolution Erotica and his Dawn of the Head and Texas' Asshole Massacre movies, he has since directed A2M 11, Sweet Cheeks 8 and created Cream Plosions at Anabolic. He continues to do big things, going the extra mile and releasing Anabolic's first two-disc set for his Nice Rack 15.

Whitney Stevens, Natasha Nice & Ryaan Reynolds

Ricky D: In late May, Rick Lovin officially moved from Diabolic and jumped ship to the Anabolic side of the house. While over at Diabolic, Ass For Days and Hot Sauce demonstrated his love for big butts and spicy latinas, respectively but he also managed to churn out 2-on-1's 22-27 and Incumming 6-12 (Incumming 6 was his first movie). Sweet and Petite 3 was his first Anabolic release and I'm anxiously anticipating his take on Bring 'Um Young with the upcoming #25.

Veronique Vega, Sativa Rose & Lela Star

Tony T: Previously reviled for his seeming mental instability, asshole-ish intensity and rough play during scenes, a maturing Tony has since dialed his antics back a notch and is rapidly emerging as a solid, reliable talent. He was the perfect choice to create a Gag Factor-like blowjob series called I Wanna Get Face Fucked while simultaneously shooting Sweet Cheeks 6, Up Your Ass 27 and Balls Deep 8 & 12.

Porn ain't dead. It just lives in two new houses.

Jackin' Pop Swagger

2007-08-04T17:51:00.000-07:00

Why, with the world getting smaller and smaller by the fuckin' minute due to rampant and exponential advances in technology, does the adult industry always seem to be so woefully behind times?

Any time there's a pseudo-scandalous event or popular mainstream movie, some feature company corporate suit will no doubt and almost cartoonishly get a dimming light bulb over his dome and think to himself, not to mention convincing others, that shooting a "porno" version of either will somehow be a brilliant idea.

Three to five years later.

Damn guys, is your paperboy 85-years old and delivering your morning paper that late on his motorized shopping cart? Look behind your computer. Does your internet connection consist of chicken wire and two Campbell's soup cans? While I'm almost certain there is considerably less turnaround time to shoot an adult movie, author a few thousand DVDs and have it on the street in a timely manner than it is to do the same thing for a big-budget Hollywood movie, obviously, the adult industry has never heard of or rather simply refuses to pay heed to the old chiche about striking while the iron is hot. The only thing they seem to do right is get rights to distribute the latest "leaked" celebrity sex tapes. Which generally stink (except for purely sentimental reasons, John Wayne Bobbitt UNCUT, which in addition to its simple yet clever title, gave me a heaping helping of Veronica Brazil and Jasmine Aloha at a time when they were two of my faves back in '94 and I was finally old enough to legally buy my own stroke material instead of ransacking my mom and dad's bedroom whenever they dared leave the house for more than three minutes).

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completey down on this type of shit in the biz. SPACE NUTS deserved all its various accumulated accolades and I'm a huge fan of the early Jenna Jameson features when she laying down the blueprint for how a contract girl should put in work and virtually WAS Wicked Pictures. But these days it seems as if there's not an original bone in anyone's body that is responsible for supplying adult "entertainment."

The DaVinci Load (which has already spawned a sequel despite Tinseltown not even producing one themselves yet), The Ozzporns, The Sopornos, Cheating Housewives, Desperate Housewhores, From Lust Till Dawn, Hustler's Britney (urgh) REARS franchise, Naked Aces (damn. It's so bad they're even mocking BAD movies now)...the list is never-ending.

Jordan Septo (who probably still proudly wears a faux-leather fanny pack and Skidz parachute pants for all I know) and his Venom Digital Media are leaping headlong into the high definition AND feature end of the pool simultaneously in another month and a half or so with a release entitled PARIS & NICOLE GO TO JAIL. Well, not only is the title about as creative as the last ERNEST movie but Paris is long out of jail (and take it from me, I'd be hard pressed to call what she served as "real" time) but I don't think there's one -- not even the absolute bestest, slimiest, wall-scaling, royalty-chasing/Princess Di-murdering kind -- paparazzi alive or dead who has spotted these two unabashed media and attention whoring socialties in the same state or under the same constellation together since 2003. These sheisty bitches admitted to not even liking each other when we thought they were friends. But I was willing to forgive Venom and give Septo a pass if there was any indication that this would at least offer something different or even remotely enterataining. But no dice.

Says Septo: Aubrey Addams (Nicole) and Sindee Jennings (Paris) "find that life is different on the inside, and at first have trouble adapting, but soon learn how to get things in prison by becoming friendly with the warden, the guards, the inmates, things of that nature."

Oh.

So in other words, it's a typical jailhouse-set porno. One that sounds suspiciously like EVERY OTHER flick or scene I've seen set in the hoosegow. So not only is this shit more stale than the Chick-Fil-A waffle fries from two days ago rotting in the wastebin by my feet, it's also a crazy hackneyed idea and uninspired, to boot. Please. Someone stop me from wringing my hands in masturbatory anticipation.

I blame myself. It's my own fault and I know it. Maybe I expect too much, you know, looking for a porno parody to be smart for once, offer a few funny jokes, twists or any semblance of originality. That's giving the wrong type of people too much of the right kind of credit. I should know by now that all porn will ever do is find some teen who sort of looks like a celebrity X, dress her up a bit to look even more the part, slap the celebs name on the box, have the chick suck a few dicks, send out the press release and wait for the cash (hopefully) to roll in. Rinse, lather, repeat. If they're lucky, recycle. Who needs social commentary, even from a pornographer, about the absuridty of those two know-nothing, do-even-less airheads, Paris and Nicole, even being famous in the first place? Gettin' that C.R.E.A.M. is what's really important. Let's try to focus.

Something to ponder, though, before I bounce: Behind the Green Door, Deep Throat, Chameleons, Night Moves...what do all of these classics have in common? Hint: they didn't rely on current events, pop culture or Hollywood to spoon feed them a direction or an idea or point the way. Yet for some strange reason, in 2007, we still have "respected" directors like Vivid's Paul Thomas remaking DEBBIE DOES DALLAS flicks nearly thirty years after the original was first released.

Shit like this is exactly why the "relax, it's just porn" set will never get the respect any other talentless two-bit entertainer or semi-celeb (ironically, just like the ones they want to parody here) gets. Because they don't take themselves even half as seriously and in actuality are more than equal. Instead, the cameras keep rolling, the brains get put away and the fans continue to be force fed every lame idea (NAPPY-HEADED HOES???) the brain trusts in Porn Valley churn out.

And they wouldn't have it any other way.

Bittersweet

2007-07-28T15:55:00.000-07:00

Gonzo "it" girl BREE OLSON's recent signing to Adam & Eve has gotten a lot of people (at least those who bother to pay attention to such "news") talking.

Sadly and predictably, it's the same type of gum-flapping that takes place whenever such an incident occurs. Every masturbating miscreant that ever, in their most private moments, sat alone in his grandparents' basement and blew a "goodnight" load into those striped socks with the toes in'em that their great aunt was nice enough to mail them with that check for twenty-three dollars on their birthday, watching that innocent-looking yet simultaneously insufferable and insatiable blonde ingenue take a thick and veiny pork sticker in her distended poop chute knows in their heart of hearts, despite their best intentions, the eventual fate of their favorite fantasy.

Even though long-time fans have lived through this scenario time and time again, dating back to the very first contract girl, it amazes me that there's still a sect that continues to hold out hope that "this time'll be different." Both the contracted star and the signing company play into offering loyal consumers this fools' gold. "We love Bree's dirty side. That's one of the main reasons we went after her! She'll bring a new edge to our productions...we definitely don't want to tame her!" read the press release heralding the announcement. How many times are we expected to swallow such obviously empty promises? Whether it's A&E's "style" that ends up becoming the cause or our own precious Bree turning into yet another way-too-comfortable, complacent, spoiled and lazy "star", she will not remain the same nor will she change for the better. Bet your crusty jerk socks on it.

Still, fans foolishly wish against all semblance of what normal people would call logic that a company whose sole purpose is to produce the very tame and vanilla, nearly softcore couples fare that most of us openly abhor is suddenly going to change its mission statement and start shooting bukkakes, double anals and interracial gangbangs because they acquired the exceptional and one-of-a-kind services of the current flavor of the month. If that had even a remote chance of happening then why weren't Vivid and Wicked ever knocking down the doors of Sandra Romain (who's retiring) or Audrey Hollander (who had to start a company with her husband to work as much as she does)? Here's a clue fan boys: your current favorite couldn't give a fuck about you. The corporate machine, to no one's surprise, cares even less.

In fact, I'd wager the only time a performer sincerely does care what a fan has to say or thinks is when it serves to bolster their rapidly growing ego.

Keep in mind, you're talking about a girl who is actually in the business, not an outside observer. But even if she were a simple fan, a young girl in this wacky biz, just like you still has the good sense to know what a life under contract would more than likely entail. She's seen Jenna Jameson and maybe even Tera Patrick on television once or twice. It's been said before but a contract only serves the chick who signs it. If they truly wanted to keep doing what makes their fans happy, they wouldn't sign a contract in the first place since they know it would effectively put an end to all those nasty things they supposedly love to do and tell us with a straight face fills that little hole in their hearts that's been empty ever since they ran away from home, their ex-boyfriend fucked them over or their dad walked out on mom so many years ago. But the truth is, I'd imagine a girl breathes a long and exasperated sigh of hard-earned belief when she signs her name on the line that is dotted. Finally, they can leave all that dirty gonzo work behind. They want to arrive at signings in the company limo, wear the glamorous gowns, take pretty pictures, sit in the fancy booth for a change in Vegas and have a line of horny twenty-somethings out the door waiting impatiently just to say they saw her. Going into wardrobe, getting dressed up and memorizing lines like a "real" actress sure as hell beats going to the same house every few weeks to have twenty different unattractive mopes jerk off over your face while you force a smile and pretend to be genuinely happy. Tommy Gunn and Jean Val Jean aren't exactly George Clooney and Brad Pitt but they'll do.

A young lady would be a fool to not work less, make more contractually guaranteed money and receive a shot at that ever-elusive crossover, mainstream popularity. Girls who have been on both sides of a contract will debate the first two. But the third, while having a legitimate possibity of happening, won't happen with Adam & Eve. Who has A&E ever "made"? Take a hard look at their roster and it might just open your eyes. Carmen Luvana who is a stunning girl and remains somewhat popular amongst fans of features, for all intents and purposes, has been the face of the company for years now and is hardly a household name. Mari Possa's fifteen minutes of notoriety was a product of her being a regular on Showtime's "Family Business" with significant other, Seymour Butts; A&E just wisely hitched their trailer to that wagon after the fact.

Ava Rose, a gorgeous brunette from Alaska, entered the business with her younger sister in tow and by a great many, was seen as the superior sibling in the performance department. But all it took was hooking up with Adam & Eve to change public perception. Under contract for a little over a year now, Ava is now persona non grata on the lips of her former fans and has switched places with lil sis Mia Rose in their hearts. Without question, she received more love from the people who watch and buy her movies when she was a freelance fuckette. Say hello to Lanny Barbie and Katsumi in obscurity for me.

Adam & Eve have given me no cause for joy or celebration and no reason to make me believe they'll suddenly reinvent the wheel with the acquisition of Bree Olson.

So some big bad adult entertainment corporation locked down your darling and you're wondering how to deal? Move on. A new one will have your rapt and undivided attention in week's time or less anyway. Your former girl will be fine, trust me. In the meantime, here's what you can do: go and find all your DVDs with Bree Olson and stack them up next to all the movies that feature your hot co-worker or that chick you always see at the mall but never have the balls to talk to. I bet that Bree pile is a LOT taller. So be happy she did even ONE movie at all, stop pining for her, mourning her like she's dead instead of simply having a new, single employer and enjoy what she's left behind. Then get up, get out and start working on making that other stack reach as high or higher than Bree's. Take my word for it, you'll be over Ms. Olson in no time.

Big Things Poppin' in Springfield...um, Bladensburg

2007-07-04T19:39:00.000-07:00

Upon seeing the crowd for myself and in person, all doubts I had in my mind about 7-11 perhaps not making their money back on this Simpsons tie-in/marketing scheme were quickly put to rest.

In case you hadn't heard, a few 7-11 stores across the nation dug into their own pockets and converted themselves (until the 30th of this month) into formerly-fictional Kwik-E-Marts in an effort to help promote and drum up interest (all while making a KILLING if what I saw today is any indication) in The Simpsons Movie (official site), dropping on July 27th. The Simpsons have been around since 1989 (I was 13 years old), possibly a bit longer than most people reading this blog have even been alive. They are, without a doubt, an American institution and I would consider it a tad un-American if there was a soul out there who didn't have at least a passing interest in their big screen, feature-length debut after waiting 18 years for this moment to finally arrive.

So the minute I heard there was one such Kwik-E-Mart about 28 miles from me (in Bladensburg, MD - why on Earth they chose this place, I'll never know. A truly disgusting little ghetto of a town but I guess it's better to have it here than to risk a bunch of traffic congestion and whatever else by putting it in the heart of D.C.), I had to make the pilgrimage. Odd that "mecca" would be a 7-11 of all places.

I pulled up and was immediately greeted by COMIC BOOK GUY reading (surprise!) a comic and holding some nachos. The sign next to him reads "5 Minute Parking." Of course, violators will be towed at their own expense.

Oddly enough, the first thing I saw when I walked inside was the youngest member of the Simpson clan, MAGGIE crawling across the frozen foods. The freezer is located all the way in the back of the store but her head is so huge, it catches your eye immediately. God forbid she loses her balance and that thing falls on someone.

When I got myself situated and refocused I found myself standing in front of a huge display of KRUSTY-O'S which were limited to 2 boxes per customer and going for the oh-so-modest price of $3.99. I instictively picked up a box and continued my journey...

I turn to my right and there he stands in all his plastic and shiny glory, Kwik-E-Mart proprietor APU stationed near the magazine rack and standing next to an empty folding/director's chair. The sign behind him politely reminds customers "This Is Not a Library." It was at this point that an actual Indian lady put her child in the chair and handed me her disposable camera to take a picture of them together. I happily obliged. Far be it from me to disappoint or keep a family apart by not snapping them with a relative.

I "buzzed" by the BUZZ COLA display (which, as you can see, doesn't actually have a BUZZ COLA dispenser...I think they may have been selling it in cans, though) in search of the Holy Grail...

NOT the Holy Grail but instead Grandpa Simpson's retirement home cohort, JASPER literally "chilling" in the freezer.

Don't think I didn't knock those little rugrats there down to get my SQUISHEE on. I got whatever those two flavors on the far left are...blue something and red something. I don't remember. It was blue and red! I'm black. That's all I needed to know.

On my way to the counter to pay for my merch, some redneck patron voluntarily told me that usually they actually sell a HOMER donut but that they're always sold out. Hence none being pictured. I wish I had, however, taken a picture of that hick's truly disappointed face.

As I inched closer to the register (which had four clerks on duty, it was CRAZY busy! I've never been in a 7-11 that had more than two people working), I happened upon a super SPECIAL DEAL: 3 For the Price of 3!!!

Me, my Krusty-O's, a Squishee and notorious numbskull HOMER SIMPSON enjoying a few hot dogs. I was NOT sitting in that chair but the girl who took the picture for me was more than happy to give me her number after I handed her my iPhone to snap the pic. YES -- iPussy!

The Goods back at the pad. I don't know if I'll ever even eat that damn cereal but that Squishee container is already empty - it was hot and it's a long ride to my brother's house. The side of the box reads: "Krusty's Nutrition Guarantee: I guarantee I was paid to say this stuff is nutritious!" Not encouraging in the slightest...

Find a Kwik-E-Mart in your area.

One Shot, One Kill

2007-05-08T21:28:00.000-07:00

Before I begin, let me say I most definitely ripped this idea from another blog I ran across the other day. It contained many more examples, some I found boring (the guy is a real student of film and occasionally his exposition is a bit much and too technical for my taste), so I only included the ones I was more familiar with and could personally speak on. I didn't steal anyone's words, only some inspiration and the links to some YouTube video examples. The idea was so great, though, I had to share and sort of do my own.

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I think I first gained appreciation for the continuous tracking shot when I watched SWINGERS, believe it or not. Jon Favereau and Vince Vaughn's characters, two aspiring actors and incurable lounge lizards, just kept going on and on about "money" shots in movies they liked (while a RESERVOIR DOGS poster hangs on the wall behind them) and the both agreed that Scorsese's uninterrupted walk with Ray Liotta and Lorraine Bracco in GOODFELLAS as they navigate a seemingly endless trip that begins at a back entrance in the Copacabana and ends with a special and private table for two in the front row, was about the most impressive thing either of them had ever seen done with a camera. Then director Doug Liman knowingly apes or pays homage to, depending on your point of view, said shot by following their small group of nighthawks as they gain admittance into one of the many clubs they frequent.

Goodfellas (1990)
dir: Martin Scorsese
Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, Joe Pesci
Buy It!

From that point on, I started paying close attention. By the time BOOGIE NIGHTS rolled around in '97, I was able to truly appreciate the opening, whose genius likely slipped by most people, set to The Emotions' "The Best Of My Love." P.T. Anderson had my attention long ago with HARD EIGHT but he finally had the world's eye on him with the subject matter contained here and the cast. Watch as the camera begins outside, above the streets of '77's San Fernando Valley and the Boogie Nights nightclub in Reseda, as it follows Luis Guzman walking Burt Reynolds and Julianne Moore to their table, then catches up with Don Cheadle, John C. Reilly and Nicole Ari Parker, leaves Guzman to find Burt and Julianne once again as Heather Graham rolls into the frame and then trails behind her through a crowded dancefloor before finally landing on our unlikely hero, Mark Wahlberg bussing tables.

Boogie Nights (1997)
dir: Paul Thomas Anderson
Mark Wahlberg, Burt Reynolds, Julianne Moore
Buy It!

Chan-Wook Park's OLDBOY is the second installment of his much-talked about "Vengeance Trilogy" (which some believe were part of the inspiration behind the recent Virginia Tech shooter's slaying) and might be the best of the bunch. One portion you are certain to never forget is when the protagonist, Oh Dae-Su, fights his way down a hallway filled with an innumerable amount of thugs with only his wits, pure brawn...and a hammer.

Oldboy (2003)
dir: Chan-Wook Park
Min-sik Choi, Ji-tae Yu
Buy It!

True story: the only reason I discovered John Woo back in '92 was because when I saw his HARD-BOILED on my local video store's shelf, I thought it was a live-action adaptation of the Frank Miller graphic novel of the same name. It turned out to be a lucky mistake for me. For a long, long while afterwards I considered Woo the absolute best at filming action sequences and while I admit to liking THE KILLER more, it's Hard-Boiled that contains one of the best shootouts ever comitted to celluloid.

Hard Boiled (1992)
dir: Jon Woo
Chow Yun-Fat, Tony Leung
Buy It!

Most people jumped on Tony Jaa's jock the minute they saw ONG-BAK. Me? I wasn't impressed. At least, not with the movie. Jaa, on the other hand, was incredible and I couldn't wait for a vehicle that would allow him to showcase what he could really do and allow him to truly cut loose. I found that in '05's Tom Yum Goong, renamed for American consumption as THE PROTECTOR. To be completely honest, the story here isn't much better or really all that different from Ong-Bak but my God is it action-packed! There are too many portions to rave about and they generally come in pretty rapid succession but only one sequence left me breathless, as if I had been IN the scene myself, at it's conclusion and all I could say was, "Jesus Christ...was that all ONE SHOT?" Sadly, there are quite a few parts where I suspect there are cuts...basically whenever the camera takes its attention off of Jaa and focuses elsewhere. You'll see what I mean when you watch the clip. It's still no less amazing when seen in its entirety.

Tom Yum Goong aka The Protector (2005)
dir: Prachya Pinkaew
Tony Jaa, Nathan Jones
Buy It!

I missed CHILDREN OF MEN in theaters and it was something I regretted deeply after reading all the positive reviews from critics and fans I respect and even moreso when the Academy Awards rolled around. The following sequence isn't the first one I noticed as being continuous in the movie (that one comes later, as Clive Owen makes his way down a war-torn street and into a building under even heavier fire. I'll include both even if I suspect the second shot isn't continuous and contains a cleverly hidden cut; when Owen reaches the foot of the stairs the camera pans upwards and the blood-splattered lens is suddenly, yet subtly, clean again). My advice is if you have not seen this incredible and thought-provoking movie yet, do NOT watch this scene as it contains a major plot point and would completely spoil the film for you. For those of you who HAVE seen it, enjoy reliving one of the most genuinely shocking moments of Alfonso Cuaron's new modern classic.

Children of Men (2006)
dir: Alfonso Cuaron
Clive Owen, Julianne Moore, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Buy It!

I have an unhealthy obsession with Joss Whedon's dialogue that's almost on par with my love of Mamet, Tarantino and Smith. But even after a healthy diet of seven seasons of BUFFY THE VAMPIRE SLAYER and five of ANGEL, I was initially reluctant to give FIREFLY a chance because generally, I'm not a fan of science fiction. It took a friend to describe it to me as a live-action COWBOY BEBOP (one of my favorite anime series ever) and the impending release of full-length feature SERENITY before I finally caved in and bought the first and only season (it was cancelled after airing eleven of the fourteen episodes) on DVD one particularly slow weekend.

I love this scene, the movie's opening, not only because it re-familiarizes die-hard Firefly fans with all their old favorite main characters but it serves as an introduction for new viewers and does a fantastic job of showing Mal's entire crew, their basic function, the base aspects of their personality and gives you a feel for the Firefly universe through showing you the decor around the entire ship.

Serenity (2005)
dir: Joss Whedon
Nathan Fillion, Gina Torres, Chiwetel Ejiofor
Buy It!

Lately, I'm Finding Natasha Nice & Bree Oslon More Addictive Than Nicotine.

2007-04-18T09:11:00.001-07:00

I'd like to tell them both...

The Venetian's Circle Bar, at least during the Adult Entertainment Expo, serves as the unofficial base of operations for the denizens of the porn community as long as they are in town. Every night, swarms of horny bees buzz around and skirt its fringes, paying $6 a pop for a Corona that they can get for $4 not fifty yards away at the Grand Lux Cafe. But it's all about location, location, location. If you can't find (or rather, can't gain admittance to) another party and are desperate to rub shoulders with or drunkenly pester your favorite "jerk before work" piece of ass, this is the place it'll likely get done.

Natasha Nice did her first scene on Oct. 12, 2006. Here she is in "SURFER CHICK WITH BIG TITS" and "NATASHA NICE", both courtesy of the Bang Bros Network site, Big Tits Round Asses.

It was there, surrounded by porno luminaries in the form of everyone from Mike John, Tim Von Swine, Jake Malone, Kevin Moore and Ava Rose to Manuel Ferrara, John Strong, Jazz Duro and Tricia Devereaux, (not simultaneously, mind you) and contemporaries like Skronker and pwing, that I first saw her. A tiny, extremely cute and incredibly busty girl literally bounced by me barefoot, rushing up to a friend on the other side of the bar. "Oh my God, who was that?" I thought. I didn't ask aloud and I hardly wanted to make a big deal about her with all the other hotness constantly strolling by and in most cases, standing nearby. "I'm sure I'll catch her later," I told myself. Well, I didn't. Maybe as the week flew by I didn't even realize who I was looking for or somehow got otherwise sidetracked (the most likely explanation). Either way, the next time I saw Natasha Nice (the girl on the far right of my blog's banner) it was at my house (in "Teens with Tits 9") long after AEE had ended. But l'affaire de Nice' had just begun. From the moment I saw her I knew there was something special about N-Squared.

"I am on a nastier level of nasty than anyone I know. In fact I am so sick in the head sexually I can’t even say everything I’m into because it's just so forbidden and illegal!" Bree Olson in Smash Pictures' "WHALE TAIL 3" and Elegant Angel's "BIG WET ASSES 10."

Equally as hot and an early favorite to go head-to-head with Natasha for Best New Starlet honors in January is a girl whose bandwagon has grown to mammoth proportions since her debut; so massive it's definitely on some "standing room only" shit. Over at the Smash Pictures booth sat the do-it-all blonde phenom, Bree Olson. Every year a new girl comes along and changes expectations of what a "new" girl is supposed to be like. Bree Olson effortlessly carries on the proud tradition typified in recent years by the likes of Gauge, Aurora Snow, Taylor Rain, Jenna Haze and lately, Sasha Grey. It's impossible to postulate what young Bree needs to do to improve her performances at this stage in her career...she's absolutely perfect as is. At a time where the game is getting stale and there are few truly unique personalities and talents to invigorate or hold consumers' interest, The Greatest Freakshow on Earth is a revelation; anyone watching Bree for the first time will find she serves as a sobering reminder of why you ever watched porn in the first place. She's not the next big thing -- she's a sure thing.

The Pursuit of Nappyness

2007-04-15T08:16:00.000-07:00

It seems that rap music is under fire again. Now it's playing the role of scapegoat for Don Imus' ignorant-ass comments about the Rutgers Women's Basketball team and likening their contest versus Tennessee's Lady Volunteers to the "Wannabees vs. Jigaboos" in Spike Lee's School Daze. This has inevitably led to heated discussions with various friends of all races all over the country about not only Imus but hip-hop and race relations. Not all chats ended well, I'll have to admit. At any rate, I present something I feel like I wrote eons ago (more like two years ago, if that) after reading Chris Rock's Rolling Stone piece highlighting his personal Top 25 Hip-Hop Albums of All-Time (yes, I do read Rolling Stone on occasion. I even consider Peter Travers one of my favorite movie critics). It's a work in progress and in bringing it over to this blog from the messageboard where it originated, I've already added comments that weren't there before. More are probably coming. When it comes to music, I'm never at a loss for things to say or colorful, vivid memories and stories.

CJ's Top 25 Hip-Hop Albums of All-Time

1. Eric B. & Rakim, Paid in Full
The undisputed king. The R. Rakim Allah. The 18th Letter. Whatever you wanna call him or know him as, Rakim was killing cats with his slow, monotone flow and dropping five-percenter knowledge, converting more Christians to muslims with 16 bars than Farrakhan ever did. He inspired so many imitators and people who tried to emulate his style, his flow, his subject matter. It's a shame that collaboration with Dr. Dre, Oh My God, never materialized. Not only is Paid In Full filled from front to back with classic songs but if you know this album, there are verses you remember like it was yesterday from each individual song. "My Melody" might be my favorite hip-hop song EVER. Legend has it that Rakim recorded his vocals while standing in Marley Marl's SHOWER. (Nas and DJ Premeir recreate the mythological scenario in Nas' "Nas is Like" video) Incidentally, I just recently read an interview with Marley Marl and he sounds pissed about that "Make A Girl Feel" song by Teairra Marie. He feels like instead of just listening to "My Melody" and trying to artificially recreate it, they should've just called him (in other words, PAY HIM) to clear a sample. Nas owes Rakim a great debt obviously (and went a long way to repaying it with the track "U.B.R. Unauthorized Biography of Rakim" on his last album, Street's Disciple) and is often hailed as the modern version of The God (long before Jay-Z crowned himself the God MC, Jay-Hova).

2. Boogie Down Productions, Criminal Minded
Were KRS-One a slightly more charismatic emcee (and damn, that sounds odd to say considering how animated Kris is compared to the stoic "nobody smilin" image of Rakim) these number and number two spots would be interchangeable and constantly up for debate. I guess Rakim is just more...mysterious. At any rate, KRS-One is the living embodiement of hip-hop (and won't hesitate to tell you so). He's the definition of the young lion coming up to snatch the crown from the old people on top. His battle with Marley's entire Juice Crew is the stuff of hip-hop legend. Right behind "My Melody" would be "The Bridge Is Over" on my all-time list of favorite songs. After that, you've still got "South Bronx", "Super Hoe" and the title track (you can hear the hunger in his voice) to bang. He's full of contradictions, sure (he's gone on to preach about stopping the violence while this album cover features him and Scott La Rock brandishing an entire arsenal of weaponry) but I chalk that up to people changing as they age. KRS-One is STILL that nigga. I give him props just for throwing PM Dawn off-stage. That's gangsta and it was done in the name of hip-hop.

3. Run-DMC, Raising Hell
Chris Rock said, "Raising Hell is the first great rap album ever. I like Run, but I LOVE DMC. No one ever sounded like DMC; no one looks like DMC. He's like a superhero. "I leave all suckers in the dust/Those dumb motherfuckers can't mess with us." It was actually the first time I heard a guy curse on a record."

Sure enough, that was the case for me, too. "Hit It Run" (which that lyric comes from) was one of my favorite songs because it's DMC emceeing and Run doing the beatbox, a clear and obvious departure for him. Run wasn't exactly known for his beatboxing skills nor will he ever be. I don't think he ever tried it again. The curse came through so loud and so clear, DMC put so much emphasis on it, like he KNEW it was the first time you'd hear that word in a song and he wanted to make sure you heard him right. But back on topic, Raising Hell is THE album that brought hip-hop to the mainstream. Without Raising Hell there is NO HIP-HOP. Anywhere. Period. Everyone owes a debt to Run, DMC and Jam Master Jay. EVERYONE. Real heads'll cite "Peter Piper" as their favorite track on here likely but it was "Walk This Way" (with equal credit owed to "My Adidas") that was the atom bomb that catapulted these guys to worldwide superstardom.

4. Public Enemy, It Takes a Nation of Millions to Hold Us Back
The most individually influential album for me would have to be Public Enemy's It Takes a Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back. Even though they had an album prior to this one (Yo, Bum Rush the Show!) and the lead single ("Public Enemy #1") hit kinda hard, it wasn't until "Nation" that people stood up and took notice. This group, specifically lead vocalist Chuck D, opened my and so many other young black people's eyes to things that we weren't being taught in school at the time. There's only so much knowledge you can drop in a song but Chuck was so great at planting that seed and making me curious enough to go out and learn in-depth about what he was rapping about on my own. I actually owe Chuck, Flav, Terminator X, Prof. Griff and the S1W's for me being a seeker of knowledge, an independent thinker and pro-black. Without them, I don't know where my interest would have come from or who would've taught me.

And then there's their sound. Hank Shocklee, Eric "Vietnam" Sadler and the rest of the "Bomb Squad." They just...man...I can't even...

"Nation" features abrupt sequencing and violent sonic compression of rapid-fire samples, slamming-jail-door percussion, DJ Terminator X's tornado turntable work and Chuck D's outraged oratory; listening to it is like having your brain hot-wired into emergency TV broadcasts, with the apocalypse playing on every channel. - Rolling Stone

Combine that with "The Mouth That Roared", Chuck D...

"...their producing team, the Bomb Squad, creating a dense, ferocious sound unlike anything that came before. This coincided with a breakthrough in Chuck D's writing, both in his themes and lyrics. It's not that Chuck D was smarter or more ambitious than his contemporaries -- certainly, KRS-One tackled many similar sociopolitical tracts, while Rakim had a greater flow -- but he marshaled considerable revolutionary force, clear vision, and a boundless vocabulary to create galvanizing, logical arguments that were undeniable in their strength." - Stephen Thomas Erlewine, All Music Guide

How on Earth could a 12-year-old NOT be positively impacted and influenced?

5. Nas, Illmatic
I was so ready for this album to come out (am I the only person wh remembers Sony running those ads with Nas and Kurious, calling Nas "half-man, half-amazing" and touting the half-Cuban, half-Puerto Rican Kurious?). I was anticipating more than anything in the world and at the time, most of my friends didn't even know who Nas was. I remember falling asleep at night, listening to "Memory Lane" in my headphones. How many winters did I get through, playing "It Ain't Hard To Tell", picturing Nas "sneaking an uzi on an island in his army jacket lining...hitting the earth like a comet, INVASION, Nas is like an afrocentric asian, half-man, half-amazing." The guy was so nice with his that every major East Coast producer was lining up to give the dude tracks. DJ Premier, Pete Rock, Q-Tip, Large Professor, his man L.E.S. And other than AZ's verse that starts "Life's a Bitch" there are no cameos. "New York State of Mind" might be the best lead-off song on a debut EVER (even if I'm super partial to "What Up, Gangsta?" on 50's Get Rich or Die Tryin' but we'll get to him in time).

6. The Notorious B.I.G., Ready To Die
If you didn't have this album when it came out you just weren't a real fan of hip-hop. Too many classic joints to list and the majority of them aren't even fit for radio play. Fuck "Juicy", "Big Poppa" and "One More Chance." Niggas in the club was trying to hear "Warning", "The What" and "Who Shot Ya?" That's where Biggie excelled: he managed to be wildly popular in the mainstream and still be gutter enough to hold it down in the streets, all while being overweight and unattractive. I had a friend who, up until LAST WEEK, still believed it was two different guys rhymin' on "Gimme the Loot." Life After Death is equally as good and I think, a better double CD than 'Pac's All Eyez on Me but I can only choose album to put here.

7. Jay-Z, Reasonable Doubt
I don't know why I should have to explain this one. You may like Jay now, but this was Jay at his absolute best. He was so far ahead of his time. The lyrics contained here are eons ahead of what he's spitting now but back when this came out, it was too much for niggas. He had to dial it back and dumb it down for the rest of y'all to catch up. I recall hearing "Dead Presidents" late one night while I was out clubbing and I STILL pulled myself out of bed early the next morning and was standing at a local record store door BEFORE they opened to buy the single.

8. A Tribe Called Quest, The Low End Theory
The early '90s was a cool time for hip-hop. It was more "light" and alot of that was due to Tribe's influence. Hard beats were out the window and more melody invaded the songs from that period. The Native Tongues posse ruled this era and opened the doors for silly songs like "Helluva" by Brotherhood Creed, "We Run Things" by Da Bush Babees, "Fudge Pudge" by Organized Konfusion, "Blue Cheese" by the UMC's and many others. I've got a soft spot for '91-'93. All this noise got killed when RZA's grimy and sparse basement production captivated NY again with Wu-Tang's Enter the 36 Chambers but it was fun while it lasted.

9. Dr. Dre, The Chronic
I remember seeing one ad for this CD on Rap City one afternoon and I just KNEW it was gonna be a dud. It was a plain black van on an empty set with smoke streaming out of the windows. A few guys hop out, coughing and choking. That was it. Not only that but out of all the members of N.W.A., who expected Dr. Dre to be the first to release a solo album, much less a successful one? He wasn't even a rapper. Little did we know. Dre enlisted Snoop Doggy Dogg (whom the world first got a taste of on the Deep Cover soundtrack and was literally fiending for more) and a gang of then-unknown rappers: The Lady of Rage, RBX, Kurupt, Dat Nigga Daz and others and put together an album so tight, it had the East Coast reeling for YEARS until Biggie dropped Ready to Die. This is the first brick in the foundation of Death Row records and the opening salvo that started a West Coast stranglehold on rap until the label imploded and Tupac was murdered. No one even made the differentiation between West Coat and East Coast hip-hop that much or used the term "G-Funk" until Dre dropped this.

10. De La Soul, 3 Feet High & Rising
Imainge a hip-hop album that's so good you don't skip the pointless skits.

11. N.W.A., Straight Outta Compton
I don't believe I know ANYONE who isn't a fan of N.W.A. I was watching Chasing Amy a few days ago and even Jay acknowledges Ice Cube, saying "Life ain't nuthin' but bitches and money!" Hip-hop might be all misogny and materialism nowadays but back in the day these guys (Eazy-E, Ice Cube, Dr. Dre, MC Ren & DJ Yella) were the first and as their manager "Trustus Jones" says about the group CB4 in the movie of the same name, "the iller they got" the more popular they became. "Fuck Tha Police" and the subsequent attention from the FBI were the best things to ever happen to them. Their influence on modern hip-hop is indisputable and I don't believe there's been one successful West Coast act since that has broken out that hasn't been affiliated somehow with one N.W.A.'s former members.

12. Slick Rick, The Great Adventures of Slick Rick
People didn't really respect Rick's (or any rapper's) storytelling abilities until Outkast made them obvious and had the world's ear. His British accent is unmistakable. His air of class, "I'm better than you" attitude (he often called people "peasants" or "crumbs") and his excessive gold jewelry gave you the impression that he was truly rap royalty. "Teenage Love", "Mona Lisa", "A Children's Story" and "Hey Young World" were great. "Indian Girl" and "Treat Her Like a Prostitute" raised the bar on "blue" humor in hip-hop. "Lick The Balls" is SO HARD, a definite party rocker; uncharacteristic for the usually laid-back Rick. "The Moment I Feared" is the best, most effortless and fun story he's ever told.

13. Beastie Boys, License to Ill
Rick Rubin's production MADE this album. They tore shit up at least year's Hip-Hop Honors performing those songs.

14. EPMD, Strictly Business
I had "It's My Thing" on this mixtape when I was a kid and I couldn't stop listening to it. I was actually UPSET when I heard Jay-Z jack the beat for his funky ass collaboration with Foxy Brown, "Ain't No Nigga."

15. DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince, He's the DJ...I'm the Rapper
It won a Grammy. Back when rap didn't win awards. When people didn't even consider rap "music." They were the first to do it and you can't front on how fun this album is. I still listen to it today. Proudly. I'll bust out "Brand New Funk" anytime.

16. LL Cool J, Bigger and Deffer
Remember when music videos weren't on every channel, every hour of the day? Back in the days of NBC and the late-airing Friday Night Videos? I fought off the sandman for hours to catch (and of course, record) LL's "I'm Bad" video (well, that and Janet Jackson's "Pleasure Principle") to WALK it individually to each of my friends' houses to make sure everyone heard and saw it.

17. Ice Cube, Amerikkka's Most Wanted
This is EASILY far and away my favorite Cube album. It was his big "fuck you" to N.W.A. and Jerry Heller, who all thought he couldn't make it solo. This was Cube at his angriest and where did he go to get the soundtrack to back his rage? That's right, New York, baby, straight to Hank Shocklee and the Bomb Squad.

18. Wu-Tang Clan, Enter the 36 Chambers
They formed like Voltron and after unleashing their blazing sword on hip-hop in late '93, they broke down into eight individual lions and continued their reign. Method Man, Ghostface Killah, The RZA, GZA/Genius, Ol' Dirty Bastard (R.I.P.), Inspecta Deck, U-God and Masta Killa are hip-hop's last supergroup and for a good long while, there wasn't a stronger or more popular collective in the game.

19. Snoop Doggy Dogg, Doggystyle
Chris Rock likened having Straight Outta Compton to having crack. Doggystyle was my crack for A MINUTE. I had just got my license when this came out and I remember skipping out of school early and going half on this album with a friend just to LISTEN TO IT. We didn't worry about who would buy who out later, all we knew is that the album came out that day and that together we had enough to go get it. I don't think I've ever been that geeked about an album since. I mean, me and this dude went back to my house and just sat and LISTENED to the whole thing from beginning to end. No television, no video games. We sat and didn't say a word until it was over. I believe Snoop was the first person to attempt a hip-hop cover when he re-imagined "Lodi Dodi" and due to that song's classic status, alot of East Coast heads were pissed he did it. To us, rap is about originality, and alot of cats still considered covering a song "biting" because no one had done it before.

20. Outkast, ATLiens
The beat to "Elevators" is one of my favorites of all-time. The title track and the "Jazzy Belle (Remix)" are right up there. I love these guys for having the courage to be on some different shit, especially considering where they come from and how they started out. This is so far away from their first album, it's crazy. Actually, conceptually all of their albums are far away from their previous effort and I suppose that's what keeps them relevant and popular.

21. The Fugees, The Score
I have this white friend from York, PA and when "Fugee-La" came out, I remember having this long, drunken discussion with him in my car in a hotel parking lot about how dope L-Boogie was for a female emcee, just on the strength of her verse on that track. Never before had we heard a lady so easily outshine her male peers in a group. And sang the hook! We wanted a solo album. Bad. And we got one. Just wasn't what I was expecting. I wanted more L-Boogie. We got Lauryn Hill. Fuck. I gave the CD to my girlfriend. Then I TOOK IT BACK.

22. Raekwon, Only Built 4 Cuban Linx
The day I got this album (August 8, 1995, yes I remember it VIVIDLY), I recall listening to it in its entirety in my headphones because my roommate was asleep early for an important appointment the next morning. I WOKE HIM UP to listen to it (specifically "Guillotines" and "Verbal Intercourse"). Fuck his appointment. This is the best Wu-Tang solo effort.

23. Pete Rock & C.L. Smooth, Mecca and the Soul Brother
One of my favorite producers ever. "Straighten It Out", "They Reminisce Over You (T.R.O.Y.)", "Lots of Lovin'", not to mention all of Pete's remixes to these songs...I can't think of a better produced album. Except maybe their follow-up, The Main Ingredient.

24. 50 Cent, Get Rich or Die Tryin'
I remember being in Best Buy at the time this was coming out and little old white ladies were looking for it. I'd NEVER seen that before.

25. Mobb Deep, Murda Muzik
Clipse, Lord Willin'
Big Punisher, Capital Punishment
Group Home, Livin' Proof

Sex, Violence and Lots of Blood?

2007-04-09T19:48:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the GRINDHOUSE.

Anyone and everyone who knows me knows I'm a Rodriguez/Tarantino head to the core; on their collective dicks way before it was cool to do so AND before the Quentin backlash began. So you know I was in line as soon as humanly possible on April 6th to see the nostalgia-laden GRINDHOUSE, a combined effort between the two that harkens back to '60s and '70s drive-in B-movie double features. With hilarious fake trailers starting the event and suturing the two films (purposely marred by "missing reels" and print damage) together in the middle, I had the time of my life or at the very least, the most fun one can have in a movie theater without being blown.

One could consider the Tarantino-penned "From Dusk Til Dawn" a dry-run for director Rodriguez's PLANET TERROR. Containing an almost absurd amount of gore and gross-out, stomach-churning moments, Robert's segment takes place in a sleepy Texas town suddenly overrun by flesh-eating zombies. El Wray (Freddy Rodriguez), a truck driving wrecker with a secret past and go-go dancer Cherry Darling (Rose McGowan, my boo since "The Doom Generation") are the heroes in a cast that also includes Dr. Dakota Block ("Sugar & Spice" and "Sin City"'s Marley Shelton) and a slew of credited and uncredited cameos I'd rather not spoil.

Most enjoyable for me was DEATH PROOF. I'm not much into horror or zombie movies so Tarantino's dialogue-heavy ode to female empowerment entertained me endlessly. Some will say it drags and it may even bore some others at times because it seems to be going nowhere fast but have trust, the ending is completely worth it. Be patient. The first half focuses on a group of girls, Shanna (Jordan Ladd, looking much blonder and thinner than she did in Gregg Araki's "Nowere"), Arlene (Vanessa Ferlito) and a smoking Austin-based DJ, Jungle Julie (uber-hot Sydney Poitier), letting their hair down during a night out on the town. Little do they know they are being not-so-silently observed by Stuntman Mike (Kurt Russell) and his reinforced "death proof" Hollywood stunt car. After successfully stalking them, Mike moves his attention to a quartet consisting of Abernathy (Rosario Dawson), Kim (Baltimore's own Tracie Thoms in a sort of "Rent" reunion with Dawson), Zoe (Zoe Bell) and Lee (Mary Elizabeth Winstead). But Mike just may have met his match when the girls fraudulently acquire a 1970 Dodge Challenger. The subsequent car chase segment not only proves that Tarantino is more than capable of directing action sequences (not that "Kill Bill" didn't already answer that question) but he creates something (and I have no doubt this was his intention) that can proudly stand alongside all the classics he has his self-professed "gear head" stuntwomen refer to, like "Vanishing Point", "Dirty Mary Crazy Larry" and the original "Gone in 60 Seconds."

For fans of Rodriguez and Tarantino there is so much to take in, so much to love. Rodriguez satisfies his fans, stays true to his Mexican roots, employing all the regulars you'd expect and keeps his body-snatching undead story firing on all cylinders by constantly and consistently providing shock after blood-splattering shock. Tarantino's dialogue was so engaging and real it had me talking back aloud at the screen, interjecting and wanting to take part in the conversation. His white-knuckle thrill ride is well worth your time and money. Like the old monster truck show ads used to say: "$9.50'll get you the whole seat, but all you'll need is the edge!"

Three Kings

2007-03-11T10:39:00.000-07:00

"1970 somethin'..."

'72 to be exact. Christopher Wallace was born and ten years ago, on March 9th, 1997 he was taken from us. I've always celebrated his life in my own way but on this 10th anniversary of his passing, my tradition of playing his music all day long was aided and abetted by a few stellar mixtapes. On Thursday the 8th, around 10pm I started by listening to READY TO DIE from beginning to end before putting in Mr. Cee's first tribute mixtape from a few years ago. As the morning of the 9th rolled around, I woke up to BED-STUY MEETS BLUE EYES, the Frank Sinatra/Biggie mashup. During the day, Mr. Cee's latest 10th Anniversary 2-CD tribute was the soundtrack. As the sunlight faded, day turned to dusk and the temperature dropped, Mick Boogie's TRIBUTE TO BIGGIE SMALLS (which crushes that DUETS album that came out in late '05) hosted by Diddy himself ended things on an extremely high note. I listened to the black Frank White's timeless vocals over the instrumentals to recent hits and realized that even though he's gone, he is still the King of NY and yes, we'll always love Big Poppa.

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Sometimes "super soldier" serum isn't enough. Captain America is dead, his life claimed by three sniper bullets to the abdomen. The issue hit newsstands this past Wednesday and Marvel, to their credit, was able to keep this Earth-shattering and dramatic turn of events under wraps unlike DC and their Doomsday/"The Death of Superman" debacle back in '93. Steve Rogers wasn't killed by some disposable villian or all-powerful alien but rather a simple, cowardly assassin as he climbed the steps of New York's Federal Courthouse, still clad in his iconic and timeless red, white and blue costume. Rogers was 66.

"He hasn't been living in the modern world and the world does move," says Marvel Editor-in-Chief Joe Queseda.

Queseda said he wanted to readers find their own meaning in Cap's end.

"There is a lot to be read in there. But I'm not one who is going to tell people, this is what you should read into it, because I could look into it and read several different types of messages," he told CNN.

The CNN story (please watch to get the full story on the current "CIVIL WAR" storyline) also asks how “real” the death is, to which Quesada replied:

"There was period in comics where characters would just die and then be resurrected. And the death had very little meaning and the resurrection had very little meaning," he said. "All I ask of my writers is if you're going to kill a character off, please let that death have some meaning in the overall scope of things."

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At a messageboard yesterday I learned that on Wednesday March 7, director Andy Sidaris had succumb to throat cancer and passed away at the age of 76 . Shockingly, a lot of people (at an adult movie forum, no less) didn't even know who he was. I attempted to explain:

"Anyone that spent any considerable amount of time awake late-nights back in the late '80s and early '90s should know his work even if you don't know his name. Without Mr. Sidaris I might not have ever known who Julie Strain was (who, oddly enough, is married to Kevin Eastman, co-creator of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).

Director Andy Sidaris, left, and actress Julie Strain during the production for the movie RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH in this file photo from 1997, in Malibu, Calif. Sidaris started his career in television sports and finished it surrounded by scantily-clad B-movie beauties.

I think my first look at his movies came in '88 at a buddy's house, when I saw PICASSO TRIGGER (and by association, Roberta Vasquez...sooooo my type!) on Cinemax. I followed his "bullets and babes" movies from that point on, right up 'til RETURN TO SAVAGE BEACH in 1998. His casts (consisting primarily of Playmates and Penthouse Pets) intersected perfectly with my growing interest in the Playboy Empire at the time. It was a good time to be a fan of both."

Rest in peace, all of you.

Can I Talk My Shit Again???

2007-03-06T08:37:00.000-08:00

"They shoulda never gave you niggas money!!!"

These are the type of news items you see and you don't know if someone is reporting a gross inaccuracy or if a celebrity can really be this excessive or eccentric. I read stuff like this and wonder if today's artists have time to watch VH1's Behind the Music. I mean, c'mon...save your money! Fame does not last forever, 'Ye...especially in music.

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LONDON - If Kanye West were to walk into the British Raj's dining room and order dinner, it would cost the rapper about $17.50. But since the restaurant is delivering — from Wales to New York — it's going to cost a bit more.

For a feast of onion bhajees, chapati breads, biryanis, pappadums, a specially prepared fish dish and vegetables on the side, the bill will top $3,900, plus travel and accommodation for the restaurant's head chef.

The meal was requested for West and seven guests by a music promotion company, the restaurant said Sunday. The company had previously ordered food from the restaurant near Cardiff, Wales, for an after-show party for a Snoop Dogg concert in London.

But this is different. Normally, they don't deliver outside a 3-mile radius of the restaurant, which is about 150 miles west of London.

"I was horrified when I heard about this request because of the distance involved," said the restaurant's head waiter, Tarik Mohammed. "It's a long way, and our reputation is on the line. We are doing every thing to make sure the food gets there safely and every thing is aboveboard."

The meal will be prepared, cooled, shrink-wrapped and packed in dry ice in the British Raj's kitchens and — along with head chef Kaysor Ahmed — will be helicoptered from Wales to London's Heathrow Airport on Tuesday.

From there, the chef is to hop a flight to New York — monitoring the food's temperature all the way — clear customs, and head for Manhattan, where the meal is to be served during a meeting Wednesday.

The fee was arrived at by estimating the restaurant's takings for two evenings, the time Ahmed will be away, Mohammed said.

Slipping Into Darkness

2007-03-02T12:41:00.001-08:00

THE DESCENT was the best horror movie of 2006. But it's Natalie Mendoza's cave that I wanna get lost in.

I'm not big on horror movies. Scratch that. I'm not big on modern horror movies or at least the movies released nowadays that shamelessly attempt to pass themselves off as legitimate inclusions to the genre. I gave SAW a chance and I'll never forgive the person who was responsible for that lapse in judgement for as long as I live. That's how terrible it was. The fact that a new SAW gets churned out before the previous installment has even finished its theatrical run and people still line up in droves to go see it...well, I guess you could say that's the only thing about the franchise that I find truly frightening. Give me the original TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE, THE EXORCIST, PSYCHO, CARRIE and THE SHINING over HOSTEL, HOUSE OF WAX, WOLF CREEK, SILENT HILL or HIGH TENSION any day of the week. Though I will admit to being disturbed for a good while after seeing THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT and I liked 28 DAYS LATER well enough.

Another rarity in modern horror, something original, came along recently and I knew the second that the trailer was over that this British thriller would be right up my alley. THE DESCENT (not to be confused with THE CAVE) takes horror back to the basics (and ups the "personal" horror ante for me by taking place in the Appalachian Mountains much like BLAIR WITCH did by being set in Maryland). There aren't any invincible serial killers, unnecessarily gory or graphic deaths just for the sake of gore and graphic death and most of all, it doesn't rely on cheap musical cues at just the right moment to get you to jump rather than actually startling you. See this and you'll remember what it's like to see a movie that has an actual mood, pacing and that builds up genuine tension. It's just six innocent female explorers hopelessly lost, unceremoniously trapped and short on supplies. In the dark. In an unexplored cave (thus, on top of not having a map of the cavern, any chance for a rescue is out the window). Which is all plenty scary enough by itself. Then the ladies start to run into some really, really nasty and bad things lurking down there. But I don't want to spoil it for you. The director Neil Marshall (DOG SOLDIERS) described it as "DELIVERANCE goes underground." The best way to get maximum enjoyment out of this one is to go in knowing as little as possible (kind of like THE MATRIX). But do remember to recommend it to friends who haven't seen it when it's over.

I'll be honest: THE DESCENT is a great movie and that quote in the trailer about it being a "new horror classic" might not be that far off. But that isn't why I took the time to blog today. Nope. The real reason is Natalie Mendoza (pictured above and below). Natalie plays the headstrong Juno, self-appointed leader of the spelunkers and adrenaline-junkie, thrill-seeking organizer of their little annual field trips. Not only is she a looker and bad as hell appearance-wise but when the shit hits the fan, Juno is the most physically bad-ass character in the movie, too. I just had to throw up a few pictures of Natalie and cross my fingers that we'll see her again in something soon.

By the way, if you do decide to rent or purchase THE DESCENT please, please, please get the Original Unrated Cut. I was talking to a friend who saw it in theaters and the theatrical ending is way more "Hollywood" and reassuring than the original, bleak ending included on the DVD. Lest you think this is simply a "good day gone horribly wrong" movie, know that there is some story here. It begins with all of the girls at a similar get-together, one year prior, where an unexpected tragedy occurs giving us some history, a bit of character development and if you have a sharp eye, a situation or two that come into play later (and possibly justifies some questionable actions). The dynamic between the girls on this expedition shifts and changes due to their past and their level of trust in one another; it brings some of them closer together or possibly turns others against each other. Trust me when I say it's one horror movie that will require repeat viewing to pick up on everything (not to mention the visual similarities and allusions to several great horror classics of the past).

Or just because it's so damn good.

And Natalie. *drools* Don't forget her.

Who's Gonna Take The Weight??? III

2007-02-27T11:35:00.000-08:00

Jenna Jameson is without question the most well-known and successful female performer ever in the adult industry. Besides being an exceptional and eye-catching piece of ass in her early days, she also gives every new potential talent fresh-off-the-bus with stars in their eyes the hope that they, too might one day not have to submit to indignities like cream pie gangbangs or double-anal penetrations and possibly transform into respectable entrepreneurs who found and run multi-million dollar companies, never having to suffer the humiliation of another on-camera milk enema ever again. This isn't necessarily a pipe dream, per se, but I consider Jenna the exception rather than the rule, of course and strive as they might, these naive and impressionable youths need to realize they may never become and we may never see "The Next Jenna."

... and if her current appearance tells us anything, we might not even see "The Old Jenna" ever again. The Face of Modern Adult Entertainment is a shocking visual commentary on the current state of the industry. What happened exactly? Plastic surgeries? Drugs? The divorce? Whatever is to blame, the transformation Jenna Jameson has undergone in just under a year's time is a lot for any fan to mentally process (or dare I say, digest?). This is a case when a few pictures are indeed worth more than a thousand of my words.

The Monkey Has DEPARTED Scorsese's Back

2007-02-26T11:09:00.000-08:00

Being a black man, some readers may be inclined to give me a hard time about this blog seeing as how it's not about Forest Whitaker's Best Actor win for The Last King of Scotland or everyone's favorite full-bodied underdog Jennifer Hudson winning Best Supporting Actress for Dreamgirls. I'm extremely happy for them both, Lord knows I am. I am always rooting for "us"; I literally STOOD in front of my television with my fingers crossed for each of them (as well as Will Smith, Eddie Murphy and Djimon Hounsou) as their names were announced. I was moved by their genuine emotion and their recognition that their respective wins mean something not only to themselves personally but to our race as a whole during their humble and heartfelt acceptance speeches. It was an inspirational close to Black History Month.

But please understand, it was seeing Taxi Driver for the very first time that changed how I look at cinema. Talented as she may be, Jennifer Hudson was never on my radar until this year. Forest Whitaker, not to sell him short, has been around much longer and is an amazing thesp but until I actually see The Last King of Scotland for myself, my last memories of the big Texan are his portrayal of Lt. Jon Kavanaugh on this past season of FX's The Shield and the one that initially brought him to my and many others' attention, as a slick pool shark in 1986, in Martin Scorsese's The Color of Money.

In light of that fact, I think Forest would be forgiving of what is about to follow.

Finally.

I had my fears that Clint Eastwood and his magnificently-directed and acted Japanese-language Letters from Iwo Jima would spoil my joy but it simply wasn't to be. Presented with the Oscar by a triumverate of powerful and influential director friends -- Francis Ford Coppola, George Lucas and Steven Spielberg -- 64-year old Martin Scorsese, at long last, won the Best Director statuette from the Academy last night. The film he directed, The Departed, starring Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio and Jack Nicholson, also took home Best Picture.

And I couldn't have been happier.

A remake of the Hong Kong crime drama Infernal Affairs (whose plot always reminded me more than just a little of Woo's '92 kick-ass Hard-Boiled, something not helped by the fact that Tony Leung is in both) I knew The Departed was something special, even for Martin Scorsese, the second it was over. But I'll admit, at first, I was a bit skeptical.

For one, I hate American remakes of foreign film, especially ones from China; we always find a way to screw things up, completely miss the artist's intentions and toy wrongly with their original vision (critics and fans of Infernal Affairs have levied these compaints against The Departed, as well). Two, right from the outset, from the first time I saw the trailer and got a gander at the all-star cast, it felt as though Marty might be pandering to the public, going the extra mile to make this movie more accessible to the masses. Either way, his gambit paid off huge. And even a cynic like myself had to admit he was ultimately satisfied by the time the end credits rolled (Hell, I was grinning in my theater seat by the time the opening credits finally began about ten minutes in). As soon as I could power my cell phone back on, I immediately and randomly began dialing numbers, texting, instant messaging...whatever I could do to get the word out: "I don't care where you are, what you're doing, what time it is...get up off your ass and go see The Departed right now!"

The irony of all this is that I actually missed The Departed on its opening weekend. That particular weekend I made a promise to two female friends that I'd accompany them both to see the Dane Cook/Jessica Simpson vehicle Employee of the Month. I made a last ditch effor to change their minds at the ticket counter but for some reason, even though both consider themselves to be cinephiles, they insisted on sticking to our original plans. Don't think I've let either of them live it down.

And I'll be giving them an even harder time now that the 79th Annual Academy Awards are in the books and The Master, after giving us classics from Mean Streets to Goodfellas, from Casino to Gangs of New York, finally got what he has long and richly deserved. The most talked about losing streak in Oscar history is finally at an end. And it's about damn time.